Adult son 23 doesn't want to ever move out

[onlyabitnosy]

Son 23 is autistic and ADHD.
He has a job and works very hard but has said that he wouldn't ever want to move out because he doesn't think he would cope on his own and would hate it.
Do we accept that he's always going to live at home or push him to be independent?

He doesn't have any friends and spends a lot of his free time with us.
He doesn't earn a lot of money but he works hard and pays his way.
He seems very unhappy and finds life quite overwhelming at times is often subject to being bullied and can be quite vulnerable which has seen him taken advantage of in the past as he's very trusting.
We'd be reluctant to leave him alone for example if we went on holiday because he is oblivious to what he's doing most of the time, loses his keys often, always seems in a daydream and I'd be worried he'd leave the oven on or not lock up.

We love him dearly and he's a lovely lad but I don't know if we are doing him any favours allowing him to stay at home indefinitely writing off any plans of making a future on his own.

He has a lot of anxiety issues and I don't want him to think this isn't his home or we don't want him here, I'd just like him to be happy and I can't believe he's going to be happy with us forever.

It might be worth exploring if there are some welcoming local community groups he can join in with. I know my brother is involved with a gardening one and it's really helped add some extra socialisation and routine to his life. Afterwards they have refreshments and he enjoys chatting with the other volunteers. I also know of a local charity that do courses aimed at teaching young adults with additional needs extra skills. They also have a venue that does various events such as bingo and games nights. So definitely worth investigating what's available where you live. That way your son can build up more confidence and he'll have safe places where he can go to socialise whether he's living at home or having moved out.

Does he take medication for his adhd/autism. That can help w focus and routine.
I think you have a lot of good advice on here. Especially your idea of him joining a social group with other autistic adults. He clearly wants to make friends and this could be a way to facilitate that.

I clearly said not going to happen straight away. And I'm not willing to give up on my own severely sn child and deem them unable to cope without me. They are other options

I think if he feels like you want to push him out sooner or later, this may develop his resistance to developing life and social skills. Let him feel "safe" and "welcome" in your company, but give him positive motivation to improve (not in the form of giving any pressure about him moving out though).

Later on, if he does gain a stable footing, he may realise he feels more ready to move out. Him gaining a stable footing may not ever happen of course, but your best shot is giving him a psychologically and emotionally "safe" environment to want to try (not a typo) very hard at self-development in the first place.

*I think if he feels like you want to push him out sooner or later, this may develop his resistance to and anxiety around developing life and social skills

Our son is 32 this year,high functioning,intelligent,well able to cope when we go away on holiday,but he's never worked and he never will.
I would love to downsize and buy him a small flat with whatever money is left over but DP isn't keen on moving.

My daughter 17 has a few problems autism, adhd , anxiety and has said she's not ready like her friends to go to Uni. I'm relieved actually. It's so hard as it is without them feeling like they have to leave. She's going to try for an apprenticeship and once she's been working a while she may feel ready.

I do think as he can work, he will be capable of living independently. But he needs to be taught to gain those skills.
A relative of mine has autism and has a job with tied accommodation. That seems to work well.

Could you join a club together so you can smooth over that starting point for him? Eg a special interest club or class?

Is there any social classes that may help him understand how to approach others and observe social norms perhaps?

@maddening yes I will sit down with him when he gets home and see what he thinks.
He loves walking so we often go on long walks verging on hikes together, he loves the outdoors and beaches and anything nature but that's not going to get him meeting people.
Although my mum belongs to a walking group, not sure if that's for all ages though, I don't want to send him along for a morning walk with pensioners.
I'll look into what's around and try and join something with him.

It seems there are lots of parents of adult DCs with additional needs here, one further piece of info that might be helpful for some of you is to get expert advice when writing your wills (the national autistic society used to do this, not sure if they still do) its worth looking at things like trusts as these can prevent your DCs losing means rested benefits post-inheritance, and protect those too vulnerable to be left with access with (potentially) large sums of money

@onlyabitnosy Ok so he’s pretty vulnerable then even at 23. Still the urge to socialise is there so that is good, he just needs practise and a safe environment.

Contrary to popular belief, autistics can still be rude, abrasive, objectionable, difficult etc even to their own kind. Possibly more so!! So autie only not always awesome. I find it all a bit nauseating, too much.

Clubs/classes where there are specific interests are best. Arts, music and tech were my thing and helped me meet a lot of friends. He will get there, but chatting to people in the park or on the street isn’t going to go well for anyone really, depending on how friendly a town/city you are in!

Great that he is driving too!!

Have a chat with him about his interests and see if you can match him in somewhere. Wishing you all the best with him.

Oh my goodness there are SO many walking and hiking clubs for under 40s, and nature clubs too, so many volunteering opportunities, and actually some specifically for autistic people. This would be excellent for him, the movement and being outside is very regulating, 100% go for it!! 👍

My NT daughter shows no sign of leaving either.

He needs a referral to adult social services so you can get supported living accommodation..... eventually.... as it's a very long drawn out process.

Need to think longterm as to what will happen once you're gone. I.e... l have left DS1 share of my house in Trust so the money will be managed for him. That way he isn't at risk of financial abuse and he can claim benefits in future.

Contact the national autistic society and look on their web page. In many areas they have a local autism group who usually have a young adult social group. they also show links to other charities who might operate a whole range of social groups and by linking into these you might find information on either supported living or what they call moving on living place. The later maybe operated by housing associations and how these work is to provide supported accommodation for a set period of time to help them learn to help themselves. They than help them to find the next stage of accommodation which maybe with full support or basically independent. If you live in Cambridge or he works there the CHS operate a scheme like this

In your shoes I'd make a laminated checklist he could tick if he has done something. Check oven switched off, switch off light etc. It will over time be a little routine he can learn to help develop his independence. I have a Foster Son with learning disabilities and it has helped him a lot. Use images if you think appropriate. We have a person cleaning their teeth he can tick.

My only advice would be to never promise to your son that he will always be able to live with you. My mum had my disabled brother living with her until she died at 93. He was 67 years old and had never left her side. Had been waited on hand and foot all those years.

It was a devastating time for him (and the rest of the family) as Social Services had to start from the morning after mum's death to look for a suitable home for him. He ended up in hospital for 6 weeks before somewhere was found for him to live. It would have been so much better if there had been a planned move decades earlier.

Not real advice, but in the keys issue. Have you considered having a key pad installed perhaps on the back door so he can always let himself in regardless of losing his keys? We pet sit for neighbors and they have one at the back- as long as he’s good at remembering codes, that is.

Seriously get on sorting something for when you're not able to look after him, my brother (same age) lived with my parents but my dad died unexpectedly and my mums MH went down the pan and it was awful. He lives in a supported living place now and is doing better

Young people's brains don't mature until age 25, plus he is autistic so it will take quite a bit longer. ( Often 2/3 chronological age emotionally) He may be happy to move out in a few years.

There's supported living later as well.

Things may change. Don't worry too much about it yet.

I sort of expect mine to be around for a while, or come and go.

I wouldn’t force him to mix only with autistics it will amplify everything he’s going through. Like a smoker trying to quit having only smokers around them to talk to about smoking and the difficulties with smoking. Instead of him learning new ways of being it will just reinforce it all. Personally couldn’t think of anything more awful.

@Robinni could you be anymore insulting about Autistic people?! Jesus...

@Ontheperiphery79 I am autistic and have autistic DC. I have found that I “attract” other autistics or seek them out - mainly discovered as lots of friends now diagnosed too. But I purposely avoid going to large groups of solely autistic people because it increases my anxiety and amplifies autistic traits, which then makes my day to day life and work more difficult. I also find that autistics tend to often have comorbid mental health problems. While I have no issue in being there for my pre-existing friends and helping them. I do not need to go into a group situation where everybody has major issues and is dumping their shit on me.

So no @Ontheperiphery79 I’m not going to suggest to OP that autism only groups would be on the whole good for her son, as for me through what I’ve experienced it’s caused further stress. Sorry if the metaphor was offensive to you.

@Robinni I'm sorry that's been your experience and sorry I sounded like a stroppy teenager. My brain didn't process your simile properly at the time of writing. I still struggle with written communication and I'm too reactive (I'm AuDHD and have a lot of work to do on myself!).
I also hadn't realised you are Autistic, too, as only just caught up on this thread.
Thank you for sharing your experience, as it helps me (and others) when people write so articulately about their perspective.
X

I really feel for you. Two of my dds are autistic (one has extremely complex needs, is non verbal) and I worry a lot about their futures as they’re 13 and 12 now. It’s not unusual for people in their early 20s to still be at home. My DH lived at home until we bought a house together as he was saving for a deposit. What I think is important is getting your son to be more independent at home. Cooking, washing, ironing and other chores. Even talking through finances and getting him involved.

In terms of socialising my eldest has a lot of friends who are autistic as she’s at a specialist school but some of the kids there cause her to be anxious because they’re loud and unpredictable. I think any form of socialising is good even if it’s walking with a group of older people. You can form friendships in unlikely places and will help your son be part of something.

It’s very worrying isn’t it about the future. The big picture can be quite overwhelming so maybe small steps here and there.