I've baked my last cake

[Anycrispsleft]

I live in Germany (not by choice, DH got a job here after redundancy). I have two preteen girls and I work about 45 hours a week. Averagely busy. Like I would guess most working parents, particularly mums, most my the weekend is taken up with housework, shopping, home admin etc.

We get frequent (once every 2 months or so) requests from school and the kids' hobbies to bake cakes for cake sales. I've done probably like about 50 cakes at this point. I've never liked it - I don't enjoy baking very much, or having to give up my own time, and I don't think we should anyway be asking strangers for money for things like the kids' school trips when most of the parents in our area are pretty well off (and I would happily offer to cover the costs for another child and have offered to do that in the past).

The latest request came in over Easter and we were away so I didn't see it till I was on the way home. Now I've just got a WhatsApp from the bake sale organiser telling me I have passed the deadline for replying and what cake am I supplying?

AIBU to message her back saying I don't have any time, but here's my husband's number, they can ask him for once? Or just ignore? Or supply a last minute cake? I don't want to piss them off bc the kids enjoy the hobby. I just don't want to do it! I get to Subday night every week and all I have done is work. I don't want to do any more stuff I don't need to.

I live in Switzerland and this is all very familiar! I recently got a message from DD teacher that read- open days are Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Which day are you baking a cake for?

If you say you won’t participate in this ritual- you will have the other mothers complaining that they are busy too and why are you so special? It is part of the community spirit to get involved. If you’re not bothered by that, then a simple ‘I am not baking this time’ will do.

We had bakeless cake sales when growing up - give a cake or donate the money you would have spent making the cake as an option

And you can go for years calling your colleagues Mr/Mrs Müller. It all depends on seniority work wise and, if on the same level, age. There are unwritten rules, but like many things these are getting less rigid.
I worked with someone for 12 years, she was the same age as my mother, she was always Mrs B.
My other colleague said after a few years "Please call me xyz, we worked together long enough and you are not the apprentice any more".

Buy some cookies

Alternatively bake a really shit cake.
Use salt instead of sugar
Maybe they won't ask again

If you have it in Germany, buy the cheapest pack of cupcakes from the supermarket and supply those. That's what I do. I enjoy baking, but I don't have time to do it for school. DH also doesn't, although he has been known to pick up the required cakes from the shop!

Different languages have different spectrums of directness. So for example, an English speaking person would be (and unfortunately have been, in my work setting) considered extremely rude in East Asia.

I agree that the gender aspect (messaging a woman) is not good though.

Say no, offer a donation.

The point is OP has no intention of baking anything. Which is why she has not replied to the WhatsApp.

As an aside, good luck finding golden syrup for flapjacks in Germany! You can make it, I believe, but than that is no longer minimal effort.

Buy on. Add a few extra decorations and send that in! I'd normally buy a Victoria sponge cake add a bit of thick icing and precyt decs.

I agree I've no time for baking either...

Not true, and it's regional as well. Berliners are famously rude. People from Hamburg, much more restrained and formal. In Swabia, a Norddeutscher would be considered borderline rude for marching into a bakery and demanding "ein Roggenvollkornbrot" without adding "I'd like ... please." Although Swabians can also be famously grumpy especially to outsiders.... but not as grumpy as Bavarians.

On the whole, Germany is middle of the road in rudeness. The Dutch are much worse in that regard, but are quite emphatic about framing it as directness rather than rudeness. Not entirely true in my experience (and that of other foreigners) - many many Dutch people are much better at dishing out "directness" than accepting it directed back at them.

Buy a cake

Direct insults (of the sort used by a couple of Google Translate aficionados on this thread) are very rude. Using 'du' if that's not the general consensus in the group or agreed individually is very rude (but not as rude as switching back to 'Sie' when you're already on 'du' - that's the scorched earth option). (I find what often happens with clients, people I sing with etc is that you start off on 'Sie' and at some point one of you goes 'shall we move over to 'du'? I'm XXX'. As a rule, the older or more senior person should make the first move, but where that's not clear-cut it could be either).

Sometimes the bake sale/buffet contribution-type event is set up in such a way as to assume everyone will be giving something (even if many don't). That will probably be behind the wording of the request to the OP. If this were me I might just write 'sorry, diesmal schaffe ich das nicht', or frankly I'd just buy - these volunteering-type roles can be every bit as thankless here as in the UK.

(And as half of Berlin is from Swabia these days, that kind of works )

There's a kind of 'booming older man/woman' type directness too which is perfectly normal here but would probably cause alarm in the UK. They call everyone who might be about half a minute younger than them 'junger Mann' or 'junge Frau'. It's meant in a half-condescending, half-affectionate way.

I'm old enough now that I wouldn't be bothered about making a social/cultural faux pas, or fitting in, or what people thought of me for not contributing, though certainly when I was younger and my kids were at primary school I did worry about these things, and I used to try and do/take on far too much in life then wonder why I felt overwhelmed and depressed. If it didn't suit me to take part I wouldn't now and wouldn't give a monkeys if they thought I was weird or selfish. TBH though I find people respect you more in the long term for being honest, assertive and true to yourself than being a try hard people pleaser- and also possibly letting them down as you have bitten off more than you can chew.

Not true, and it's regional as well. Berliners are famously rude. People from Hamburg, much more restrained and formal. In Swabia, a Norddeutscher would be considered borderline rude for marching into a bakery and demanding "ein Roggenvollkornbrot" without adding "I'd like ... please." Although Swabians can also be famously grumpy especially to outsiders.... but not as grumpy as Bavarians.
I think the difference here is in our definition of "direct" rather than any difference of opinion. I wasn't thinking of rudeness; I was thinking more along the lines of honestly telling people what you want; not beating around the bush or dropping hints. Having been here 30 years, for example, some of the suggestions on this thread seem passive aggressive to me. It would seem unnecessary to say something like "I'll pass this to my husband" when you could just say "That's a bit sexist for me, why don't you send this to the men too?"

I live in Germany also .My kids have finished school and i was never ever asked /told to bake a cake.

If you ask if you can Du and they say no actually let's stick with Sie is that like a massive insult

What is it with cake sales? If everyone's baking, who's buying? I bet there's pressure on people to buy as well.
So much simpler to ask for donations - if it's necessary to raise money

Interested but not to derail the topic...Aldi and Lidl have such limited food choices so do you shop/top up elsewhere aswell?
Mum was German and a great baker but I never knew about the lack of SR flour in Germany.

If you ask if you can Du and they say no actually let's stick with Sie is that like a massive insult
I've heard of people saying "no" to an offer of "Du" (haven't seen it myself) and the impression was generally that they must dislike the person offering, or dislike people in general.

I've never had an electric whisk or one of those kenwood thingies, so i've always creamed the butter and sugar first, then beat in the eggs then fold in the flour.
I can't imagine trying to just bung it all in together if only mixing with a wooden spoon. I suspect the 'all in one' relies on some kind of electrical assistance.

But, on topic, I don't bake for school sales. I bake cakes only for birthdays of close family (so no more than 2/3 times a year for people I love), I'm not a commercial cake maker.

I don't get the issue with self-raising flour. You just get a packet of baking powder and bung it in the flour. One packet per 500g usually.

Hmm - depends who it is and how they say it. In a context and situation where the offer of 'du' might be seen as inappropriate in general (e.g. a much younger new joiner offers to an older, established colleague, and there is no general 'du' culture already), it wouldn't be seen as rude for the other to nicely say 'if you don't mind, I'd rather stick to 'Sie' for now'. Between more obvious 'peers', and especially when there is a 'du' culture already, it would definitely be seen as rude and making a statement of dislike.