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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've baked my last cake

322 replies

Anycrispsleft · 20/04/2023 05:52

I live in Germany (not by choice, DH got a job here after redundancy). I have two preteen girls and I work about 45 hours a week. Averagely busy. Like I would guess most working parents, particularly mums, most my the weekend is taken up with housework, shopping, home admin etc.

We get frequent (once every 2 months or so) requests from school and the kids' hobbies to bake cakes for cake sales. I've done probably like about 50 cakes at this point. I've never liked it - I don't enjoy baking very much, or having to give up my own time, and I don't think we should anyway be asking strangers for money for things like the kids' school trips when most of the parents in our area are pretty well off (and I would happily offer to cover the costs for another child and have offered to do that in the past).

The latest request came in over Easter and we were away so I didn't see it till I was on the way home. Now I've just got a WhatsApp from the bake sale organiser telling me I have passed the deadline for replying and what cake am I supplying?

AIBU to message her back saying I don't have any time, but here's my husband's number, they can ask him for once? Or just ignore? Or supply a last minute cake? I don't want to piss them off bc the kids enjoy the hobby. I just don't want to do it! I get to Subday night every week and all I have done is work. I don't want to do any more stuff I don't need to.

OP posts:
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6
Maerchentante · 20/04/2023 09:36

I think a lot of the posters on this thread have no clue about Germans and the German language.
The message saying that she'd missed the deadline and what cake would she bake is not rude in Germany, just direct and to the point.

I was active in a sports club when I still lived over there, if we hosted a competition it was expected that parents and non-competing club members would help in one way or another. We supplied cakes, my sister even took a day off once to bake.
And for the Christmas party there would be a slip at the bottom saying "I will donate a cake (what type) or "I will not donate a cake".
It is just part of how it works over there.
We even had cake sales in Church after Mass on Sundays, usually to help fund the summer camp or an excursion of the altar servers.

starfishmummy · 20/04/2023 09:37

Most children of 7-10 years old could not access money, go to the shop, buy cake ingredients, return home, prepare the cake with complete independence, and clean the cooker, equipment, and kitchen to the standard it was before they used it, resulting in a cake of a high enough standard to be sold at a bake sale.

And they're never going to be able to do these things - be it for a cake sale or a meal - if a parent doesn't take the time to teach them to. So this is an excellent opportunity to dentist.

moonspiral · 20/04/2023 09:39

starfishmummy · 20/04/2023 09:31

Because fund raising for YOUR kids school/activities is a nice thing to do. Of course it's not compulsory but it's just a few minutes effort - if that to - buy something when out shopping if not wanting to bake.

Show quote history

Thank you. I understand where people are coming from now. Personally I still think its a pain in the bum being given yet another expectation on my list but other people might just be like ahh I'll just shove a cake in the shopping.

moonspiral · 20/04/2023 09:41

Maerchentante · 20/04/2023 09:36

I think a lot of the posters on this thread have no clue about Germans and the German language.
The message saying that she'd missed the deadline and what cake would she bake is not rude in Germany, just direct and to the point.

I was active in a sports club when I still lived over there, if we hosted a competition it was expected that parents and non-competing club members would help in one way or another. We supplied cakes, my sister even took a day off once to bake.
And for the Christmas party there would be a slip at the bottom saying "I will donate a cake (what type) or "I will not donate a cake".
It is just part of how it works over there.
We even had cake sales in Church after Mass on Sundays, usually to help fund the summer camp or an excursion of the altar servers.

But that slip seems fine to me and not at all rude. It's the "what type of cake are you donating?" When OP hasn't opted in to cake making that I find rude. I shall go and read up on German directness to try and learn. Thanks everyone.

Catspyjamas17 · 20/04/2023 09:42

And they're never going to be able to do these things - be it for a cake sale or a meal - if a parent doesn't take the time to teach them to. So this is an excellent opportunity to dentist.

And this is an excellent autocorrect, so bad I can't imagine what the poster was actually trying to say. But I'm sure school cake sales are partially responsible for keeping dentists pretty busy, so it is indeed an excellent opportunity to dentist the hell out of it.

Catspyjamas17 · 20/04/2023 09:43

The message saying that she'd missed the deadline and what cake would she bake is not rude in Germany, just direct and to the point.

I don't care if it's not rude in Germany, it's pretty rude in the rest of the universe.

ImAvingOops · 20/04/2023 09:52

I lived in Germany for about 6 months in the early noughties - in many ways they are still a very traditional society, when it comes to make and female roles, despite being very progressive in other ways.
But they were very nice too, really welcoming of children and kind.
I think it's okay to just reply that you are very busy with work right now and don't have time - just be polite and direct. Don't be salty about how she communicated - it might be a 'list in translation' thing.
Nothing stopping you from offloading this task to your husband next time in the interests of fair division of labour within your own household

MedievalMadness · 20/04/2023 09:54

Mine have been going on a week-long summer camp thing with a church group for years and the info letter always used to ask which 'Muttis' (yes, really) would be able to bake a cake to bring along. I wrote back one year saying 'Vatis' can bake too and my dh would be baking his special apple cake. The wording changed after that . Brilliant. Good for you!

Ourladycheesusedatum · 20/04/2023 09:55

DappledThings · 20/04/2023 06:26

I've only ever made sponge by combining all the ingredients in a bowl and mixing them. Is there another method that's more complicated? I had no idea I was taking a shortcut.

Show quote history

Many many cakes require stages like creaming butter and sugar together.

I'm a huge fan of all in one, I do a very nice French yoghurt cake that is the all in one method.

There are a few that just dont come out right with all in one, but generally I find little to no difference between all in one and stages.

Ymmv.

For OP, reply and say no time, go buy one or offer some euros towards whatever grift.

RobinaHood · 20/04/2023 09:57

I actually like baking but I've never baked a single cake for school. I ask the DCs if they want to bake (in which case I'd bake with them). They always say 'no' so we send nothing in. I just refuse to get into that wife work, competitive 'womanning' bullshit.

Titusgroan · 20/04/2023 09:58

Think I’d tell dh to do it for once.
Its all very sexist just asking you, I hate that presumption that mums have to do everything.
Or he can go and buy one and drop it off.

moonspiral · 20/04/2023 09:58

ImAvingOops · 20/04/2023 09:52

I lived in Germany for about 6 months in the early noughties - in many ways they are still a very traditional society, when it comes to make and female roles, despite being very progressive in other ways.
But they were very nice too, really welcoming of children and kind.
I think it's okay to just reply that you are very busy with work right now and don't have time - just be polite and direct. Don't be salty about how she communicated - it might be a 'list in translation' thing.
Nothing stopping you from offloading this task to your husband next time in the interests of fair division of labour within your own household

But surely its changed in 20 years?!

AP5Diva · 20/04/2023 09:59

YANBU and I stopped baking for bake sales long before my 50th cake. I’m actually a great baker and enjoy it but it was the casual sexism of assuming that mums have the time to do this that ruffled my feathers.

muppy · 20/04/2023 10:00

Is it ethical to sell a store bought cake at a bake sale? Are you meant to cut it up and pretend you made it, or just leave the M&S box visible? Just curious as I've never been part of a bake sale thing

AP5Diva · 20/04/2023 10:02

muppy · 20/04/2023 10:00

Is it ethical to sell a store bought cake at a bake sale? Are you meant to cut it up and pretend you made it, or just leave the M&S box visible? Just curious as I've never been part of a bake sale thing

I’ve sent in store bought. It’s fine.

We even did pizza sales at events to raise funds. You buy twenty large pizzas from Papa Johns with a discount and then sell it at £2 per slice. You get more money with far less faffing of baking and honestly pizza can actually be more healthy than sweets.

80s · 20/04/2023 10:03

I don't care if it's not rude in Germany, it's pretty rude in the rest of the universe.
In Germany it's rude if you call your work colleague by their first name without checking it's OK.
In Germany it's rude if you enter a doctor's waiting room without saying hello to the people sitting there.
That does not make these things rude in the UK.
And fact that something is rude in the UK does not make it rude in Germany.

lemonchiffonpie · 20/04/2023 10:04

I resent her hassling you! "Fick deinen Kuchen!" appeals. Or, "Soz, ich habe meinen letzten Kuchen gebacken."

But probably best to say you were away, you are working, and you won't be contributing a cake to the sale, and probably not for the forseeable future in fact. I wouldn't supply a shop cake - just wean her off the expectation of your further involvement.

moonspiral · 20/04/2023 10:08

80s · 20/04/2023 10:03

I don't care if it's not rude in Germany, it's pretty rude in the rest of the universe.
In Germany it's rude if you call your work colleague by their first name without checking it's OK.
In Germany it's rude if you enter a doctor's waiting room without saying hello to the people sitting there.
That does not make these things rude in the UK.
And fact that something is rude in the UK does not make it rude in Germany.

Thank you that's very interesting. So is there anyway of being too direct in Germany that would be seen as rude?

doradoo · 20/04/2023 10:10

@Brefugee - I do a lot of shopping in NL these days as DH now works over there, definitely much more choice in supermarkets.

Hadn't heard about the lidl scandal though! I'm an Aldi girl too and fortunately live on the nord/sud border so benefit from both types!

(Sorry to derail the tread!)

3luckystars · 20/04/2023 10:10

No time. Will donate €10 instead. All the best.

Maerchentante · 20/04/2023 10:12

lemonchiffonpie · 20/04/2023 10:04

I resent her hassling you! "Fick deinen Kuchen!" appeals. Or, "Soz, ich habe meinen letzten Kuchen gebacken."

But probably best to say you were away, you are working, and you won't be contributing a cake to the sale, and probably not for the forseeable future in fact. I wouldn't supply a shop cake - just wean her off the expectation of your further involvement.

Another Google translate fail. You'd never send "F... deinen Kuchen!", that is on the far side of rude.

80s · 20/04/2023 10:12

So is there anyway of being too direct in Germany that would be seen as rude?
I honestly can't think of one! People just don't give a shit about how direct you are to them. You'd have to actually call them something rude - such as "Schwein" - literally "pig", but can be far, far ruder than in English, depending how you use it!

Bluebellwood129 · 20/04/2023 10:13

Kokeshi123 · 20/04/2023 07:52

I want to hunt down a German bakery and buy lots of apple cakes etc. now!

OP, I would either say "sorry, no can do," or buy a bakery cake and possibly sprinkle some cat hair on it to make it look homemade ;)

Beware - Germany definitely do NOT make the best apple cakes. You will find far superior versions in many other countries including the UK

Ariela · 20/04/2023 10:13

Do flapjacks. Minimal effort.

DHsPoorBack · 20/04/2023 10:14

I voted yabu, because you are getting in a flap over just saying "I can't make one this week" or just buying a cake, if money's not an issue.