I've baked my last cake

[Anycrispsleft]

I live in Germany (not by choice, DH got a job here after redundancy). I have two preteen girls and I work about 45 hours a week. Averagely busy. Like I would guess most working parents, particularly mums, most my the weekend is taken up with housework, shopping, home admin etc.

We get frequent (once every 2 months or so) requests from school and the kids' hobbies to bake cakes for cake sales. I've done probably like about 50 cakes at this point. I've never liked it - I don't enjoy baking very much, or having to give up my own time, and I don't think we should anyway be asking strangers for money for things like the kids' school trips when most of the parents in our area are pretty well off (and I would happily offer to cover the costs for another child and have offered to do that in the past).

The latest request came in over Easter and we were away so I didn't see it till I was on the way home. Now I've just got a WhatsApp from the bake sale organiser telling me I have passed the deadline for replying and what cake am I supplying?

AIBU to message her back saying I don't have any time, but here's my husband's number, they can ask him for once? Or just ignore? Or supply a last minute cake? I don't want to piss them off bc the kids enjoy the hobby. I just don't want to do it! I get to Subday night every week and all I have done is work. I don't want to do any more stuff I don't need to.

I also live in Germany. A direct, but polite, no that will not be possible will be accepted.

Mind you, your previous cakes might have been the only edible ones.
German cakes need a LOT of cream/syrup/alcohol/fruit to provide moisture, in my view.
Case in point, Sandkuchen - the clue is in the name.
(Yes, over 20 years here and I still do not love the cakes)

Early up the thread someone said "I'm not making one this time"

Perfect and direct. Takes 5 seconds to send, far less time then whipping up a Victoria sponge.

Good luck OP, I don't blame you. No idea how old your DC are, but I loved it when mine went to high school and all that shit stopped.

I have passed the deadline for replying and what cake am I supplying? this. Assumes a cake is being supplied. Rude.

Bake with your kids one more cake and then they can do it. Unless they already know how to bake, in which case they can do it. You or DH can supervise from the sofa.

I know we are a sexist society but I had no idea Germany was also so deeply rooted in transitional roles.

well it is, and it isn't. I have currently 3 male colleagues who are on 1 year paternity leave while their wives go back to work after their year. I also work with several men who have cut down their working hours - from 20 hours (part time) to compressed, to 4 days a week, as have their wives etc etc. I don't hear so much about this happening in UK

Many many women are happy with this, others not. And it is changing. (unless you're in Bayern ;) ).

If the deadline has gone I think it's cheeky to assume you would still be baking a cake tbh.

If the Mary Berry cake is so easy husband & kids can do it-or some kind of tray bake?

Also in Germany.

Fortunately never any cake sales though!

I've never got to grips with no self raising flour for cakes!

Good thing that Yorkshire puds use plain flour!

Buy a cake?
Ask your DH to bake a cake.
Get your DH to bake 4 batches of cupcakes and freeze them.
You probably have too high standards of cake too.
I wouldn't tell the organiser to text your DH just because you don't want to tell him to do his share of the parenting.

We get frequent (once every 2 months or so) requests from school and the kids' hobbies to bake cakes for cake sales.
I honestly don't see the bit where only the woman is being asked to bake a cake.

Good, I live in East Germany, where things are not quite like Brefugee describes - women my age usually worked, the kids were in a crêche about 5 minutes after birth. But is this Whatsapp group not for all the parents, as it would be in the east? The OP certainly sounds like it to me.

I have passed the deadline for replying and what cake am I supplying?
this. Assumes a cake is being supplied. Rude.

for the flowery way English frames things like this? abrupt. In German? not so much. Do you speak German?

Anyway, it is clear that so many people don't try to understand different situations in different countries, so I'm out.

OP, just tell them you've retired from cake baking and leave it at that.

Oh my god, I just google translated this to English - who the hell would send this?! If I got this, in any language, I'd be horrified and never speak to them again.

I think @Anycrispsleft all you need to do is invest €1,500 in a thermomix
(as I did as a non-baker). Currently working out at about €250 per cake / boiled egg 😉. The Germans invented it so the muttis could supply the bake sales eh

Ahh I'm in Bayern and have a different experience 😅 so many men at work / in my baby groups take paternity (neighbour downstairs took 6 months for example). My husband took 4 with first DS and is taking 4 with second (although granted he's originally a westerner). At our nursery, DH does a lot and is very involved too and I see the same with lots of dads here. But still, women are the ones sacrificing their careers still and having trouble getting back into work

All those saying that the messenger was rude I don't think understand German directness. I don't see it as rude, I'm neither British or German.

I think the answer, we've been away & I won't have time, it's perfectly acceptable.

@Brefugee Don't you find that people accusing Germans of rudeness often do so kind of ... rudely? 😂

<snort> at the Thermomix. I have a Thermomix-obsessed German in-law

As some of these replies indicate, the SAH/working thing is something that varies pretty markedly from region to region in Germany. I'm in the former East too and it's quite unusual for a mum not to work outside the home. Lots of dads do drop-offs and pick-ups. Then in some regions (e.g. Bavaria and parts of NRW) kindergartens close over lunchtimes, so people can't actually use them as childcare unless they WFH in extremely flexible jobs. When I had my first 18y ago in SW Germany, daycare for under-3s was actually called 'Tagheim' ('day home' in the sense of children's home) . But there are also plenty of regions where the picture is somewhere in between (and things are very different in urban vs rural areas anyway) and the parental leave system is set up to encourage sharing - I don't know many couples where the dad doesn't do at least a couple of months.

This.

It's Germany - you can, and should, be direct.

In terms of the difficulty of getting back into work, of course there are still sexist attitudes in places, but it's probably also worth a mention that it's illegal to dismiss a pregnant woman from the minute she knows she's pregnant until 4 months after the birth (exceptions have to go through a very strict process) and I believe a mother's job has to be kept open for her for 3 years. There's also a legal right to flexible working for parents and (I think) people with other caring responsibilities.

Just either don’t reply or say no.
Life is so much more relaxed and less stressful/more balanced when you learn to say ‘no’ to stuff you don’t want to do.

You’ve done your time - they’re being rude and selfish.

Is the hobby run by volunteers or paid for?

I would just tell them you can't do it. And yes, they should be asking the men as well. Are they sexist? Or do they contact whoever's number they have been provided?

We were in Bayern!!

But in the centre of Munich. Both times we lived there it was noticeably ahead of the uk for parent friendly work practices. With flexible hours. Saw more fathers around at drop off and pick up times. That was the early 90s so I really noticed the difference.

The other thing about work culture that impressed me was that they didn’t have presenteeism - you were expected to have work life balance. Staying on was an exception not an expectation. If you regularly worked late it would just like you can’t do your job effectively.

Some possible answers

‘I would rather spend my time smashing the patriarchy’

’since your last message I have grown a penis and of course now find baking impossible’

Because fund raising for YOUR kids school/activities is a nice thing to do. Of course it's not compulsory but it's just a few minutes effort - if that to - buy something when out shopping if not wanting to bake.

Either donate a shop bought cake or say that you have a lot on so can't bake this time but that you will put a bit of a £ donation into the pot instead?

I used to run a cookery/baking business at one point and even I used to buy doughnuts for school cake sales sometimes - they were often more popular than the home made items too.

Someone telling me about a deadline which I'd missed for my voluntary donation or keeping a list of who had and hadn't donated would be told politely but firmly to swing their hook and get a life.

I hate bake sales. I remember once baking fairy cakes from scratch. The ingredients cost about £8 and they sold them for 20p each. It would have been far better and wasted less time and effort if I’d just given them the £8. Just say ‘Haven’t got time, Mary. Hope it goes well.’

It's not really the point to sell cakes to make a profit on the cost of materials/labour though. It's a bit of fun for the kids and inclusive to sell them cheaply, the cakes are freely donated and it's all profit for the PTA.

Why is that not rude in German? Is it not considered rude to assume someone is doing something? "are you supplying a cake?" Is direct and not rude.