I've baked my last cake

[Anycrispsleft]

I live in Germany (not by choice, DH got a job here after redundancy). I have two preteen girls and I work about 45 hours a week. Averagely busy. Like I would guess most working parents, particularly mums, most my the weekend is taken up with housework, shopping, home admin etc.

We get frequent (once every 2 months or so) requests from school and the kids' hobbies to bake cakes for cake sales. I've done probably like about 50 cakes at this point. I've never liked it - I don't enjoy baking very much, or having to give up my own time, and I don't think we should anyway be asking strangers for money for things like the kids' school trips when most of the parents in our area are pretty well off (and I would happily offer to cover the costs for another child and have offered to do that in the past).

The latest request came in over Easter and we were away so I didn't see it till I was on the way home. Now I've just got a WhatsApp from the bake sale organiser telling me I have passed the deadline for replying and what cake am I supplying?

AIBU to message her back saying I don't have any time, but here's my husband's number, they can ask him for once? Or just ignore? Or supply a last minute cake? I don't want to piss them off bc the kids enjoy the hobby. I just don't want to do it! I get to Subday night every week and all I have done is work. I don't want to do any more stuff I don't need to.

I never buy cakes from school cakes sales, it seems a bit outdated - you have no idea how hygienic the person/surroundings who made it is. I've always just taken in a shop bought one and then in later years didn't bother doing that!

Why not? Why can't I ask you why you think this?

Anyone reading this who thinks OP should buy one or just make one - Why?

Jesus. Did you get that from Google translate or something? I'm sure OP is aware of this, but for the avoidance of doubt - that is so appallingly rude and aggressive (and not funny in the slightest - any 'humour' in the English version definitely does NOT translate) that if I received that in response to a request for a cake I would never speak to you again.

Oh, and you've managed to use both the familiar and the polite (!!!) form of the second person in the same message.

Or the dads!

Dear cake bake organiser, I was able to support the school / hobby group by baking cakes at one time but have recently found it increasingly difficult to do so. I won’t be baking cakes for fund raising again but will make a donation instead when I can. Thank you for your understanding.

It reads very much like a Google translate. If I received a text like that I would most certainly feel threatened.

Rude doesn't even begin to describe this message.

She hasn't though
Shes gone "you've missed the deadline - what cake are you making" so demanding and rude

Where I live you can get a mix for chocolate (moelleux) you add, eggs & milk, mix & bung it in the oven.
The kids can do it.

Why on earth you were baking so many times if you didn’t like it and it’s such a bother for you? Why didn’t you joined occasionally or never at all? Of course the organiser messaged you because you always contributed.
As you missed deadline and they probably counted on you as usual I would contribute something what you could realistically. And maybe I would mention that you missed what’s app message. Next time just message back politely that you can’t contribute unfortunately and relax.
I agree with you that asking parents for money for the trip/ equipment is much more simple and straightforward way to get money for trips etc. However most children enjoy cake sales so schools and clubs do them. Some parents bake, some don’t, it depends on what type of parent you are and it’s completely up to you. I think your post is a bit too dramatic for the situation.

yepp - for those not in the know it involves the C-word - and the horribleness about Germany and Germans on this thread is depressing.

Yes it can be, in so many ways, a bit "old fashioned" in terms of mum = homemaker dad= earner, but it isn't all like that and it doesn't have to be if you don't want it to be. And if you just roll over and either insult it, or go along with it, it will never change.

Germans appreciate a plain "no" not a wishy-washy "I'll see what i can do" which means "no" to a Brit but to everyone else in the universe means you'll do something. (as an example). OP just needs to say no and mean it. And keep saying no, and pass every other request to dad.

Our primary changed the language after i complained so much, then helped them build something from wood over a weekend, while my DH entertained the kids making pizza and pancacakes or something. Show don't tell, and all that. And after that, parents were invited to contribute their skills in whatever way the school needed after that.

We lived in Germany too but I don’t remember doing that much cake baking, it was more washing the teams football kit and doing the pitch side coffees once or twice a season.

I definitely ‘did my time’ with the cakes in the uk when DC were younger!

That WhatsApp message would seriously piss me off

OP, how good are your children in kitchen, could they bake something? It doesn't necessarily have to be cake, muffins would do as well.

My sister got a "Becherküche" baking book for my niece for Christmas 2021. She was four then and could only read numbers, but the book is so easy to understand that she does almost everything by herself. The only thing my sister has to do is to put the cake/muffins into the oven and take it out again once finished.

When I was short of time (or could not be arsed) for the cake sales when I was in school, I would bring an Academic cake aka a Dr Oetker mix. All I needed to do was to add eggs, butter and milk.

I was commenting in response to a poster who said cake sales are for mums to do because the dads to the BBQ - at which the mums do ‘mum stuff’ like prepare the side dishes/salads. If mums have to do all the cake sales I was querying why they are also doing ‘mum stuff’ at the dads’ BBQ.

I know we are a sexist society but I had no idea Germany was also so deeply rooted in transitional roles.

I wonder if there is any country where a bake sale wouldn’t automatically fall to the women and the women wouldn’t automatically take a supportive role when the men get off their arses one a year to grill.

it really is depressing - I wonder will we ever see a more equal society?

Right and who's going to organise that then...

Shes gone "you've missed the deadline - what cake are you making" so demanding and rude

also - no. She is being direct and German. If you live here you have to get used to it pretty bloody quickly. (what were the actual words, OP, i'm guessing typically German rather than rude? if rude, a rude reply would also be ok)

You also get used to deflecting the "mum" stuff from school pretty quickly. It is a fact of life here that women still, very often, go PT or stop working for what i think is a horrendously long time. You may be in an area with high salaries, and many women love to be a SAHM (as they do in UK). Therefore the schools, not being idiots, know that more likely a mum has more time to do these things. It is how it is. And if you don't fit in that model: you say "no".

But i would recommend taking time to get to know the other parents, school functions are great for this, because it smooths the path.

"I no longer bake cakes."
Just that. No explanation, no apology, no rebuke for her presumption.

Can’t you just opt out?

OP doesn't want to make a cake. She doesn't want to get involved with the cake sale. She doesn't want to be organising stuff like this. That is the point. But still people are like get the kids to do it, buy one, whip up a sponge. Dad isn't having to do ant of this. That's the point. Cake is taking up too much of OP's brain space and she wants out

She had by not opting in. But CF cake organiser isn't having it.

Agree. I live in Germany now and work in a school. We only ask for cake twice a year and even then, it's not from all parents.

"I'm too busy at work to bake cakes. As I've previously said we are happy to contribute towards funds for activities directly. Please could you contact my husband on [x] for any future requests, he or the kids may be interested in baking."

I hate when people say this. It’s just another way to make mums feel incompetent. Most children of 7-10 years old could not access money, go to the shop, buy cake ingredients, return home, prepare the cake with complete independence, and clean the cooker, equipment, and kitchen to the standard it was before they used it, resulting in a cake of a high enough standard to be sold at a bake sale.

If, as another poster said, it’s likely just German directness and not rudeness, I think “I no longer bake cakes” is equally an acceptable response.