Should I tell my DC's I am adopted?

[Whatamigoingtodopleasehelp]

My mum had me when when she 19. My biological dad is not on on my birth certificate. My mum married my Dad when I was 3 and he adopted me. He is the only dad I have ever known. I did meet my bio dad a few years ago, I do look like him but we are not in touch any more and probably wont be ever again.

I have two DC's 16 year old girl and 10 year old boy. I'm wondering if and when I should tell them? Is it important at this stage? I don't want it to be a big 'thing' but I guess they need to be told at some point. I can't discuss it with my mam and dad, they will take it badly. I don't want a dramatic soap opera reveal. I don't want to keep secrets either. I can't tell 16 year old without telling 10 year old at same time but they are at different stages maturity wise.

why wouldn’t you? It’s no drama

Thanks for replying. Do you think its the right thing to do now? I think if I leave it the weirder it will be.

I knew from about 14 that my stepfather wasn’t my biological father but I didn’t and still don’t know who he was .My mother didn’t share any information and no relatives knew. I never told my children as I had nothing to really tell them and I was slightly ashamed I guess. DNA testing has confirmed that my father was Asian ( we are all quite dark) I told my children when the older ones were in their 30s and the youngest a teenager. After the initial shock they were quite curious to find out about our heritage .

Would it be likely to come up as part of a school project ie family tree?

If not, then tell them when your youngest child is ready, though 10 yo seems about right anyway.

I probably wouldn't bother, maybe when they're a bit older. It's likely to make them curious about their heritage.

I'd tell them anytime really. But if your parents have been good parents, I really would discuss it with them first so they can understand your reasoning. It is your children's heritage after all. But also so they're prepared for any questions the children might ask. I'd also tell both your stepfather and your children how lucky you feel that he came into your life (only if that is how you feel, of course!) so they never wonder if you think of him as lacking in any way or a consolation prize.
However, if you want to wait til they're older, I don't think that's a problem either. A grandparent relationship is so much different a parent one.

my mil was adopted and was told who her siblings were when she went to highschool. There were 5 or 6 siblings who were adopted out to different families within the same region. so if your bio dad has other children it is important to let your two know.

I know what you you mean about ashamed. I feel a bit like like that. It feels like a skeleton in the closet. It kind of was a bit back in the 70’s. It won’t change anything, or I hope it won’t anyway. My dad is my dad and the kids grandad. I don’t want to shake them up without a good reason. The only reason I guess to tell them is the biological one. And I suppose ethically just because I respect them. Is there a reason they should know? Is there a reason they shouldn’t know? What is best?

Yes. It is much easier to tell kids when they’re little then it’s not “a thing”. The older one may feel lied to..or she may not bat an eyelid but be open and honest and ready to apologise for not telling her earlier if that’s something she needs to hear.

Hi,
thank you, yes I agree. I definitely will talk to my mam and dad first. Thank you for that, it’s really helpful.

I wouldn't tell the children. As you said OP, your adoptive Dad was your real father. Why introduce them to the idea of some absent sperm donor who they're never going to meet anyway?
Sometimes 'secrets' should be kept if it's for the good of all involved.

I can't tell 16 year old without telling 10 year old at same time

Why not? Serious question. Because it seems to me like you either tell 16-yr-old soon (certainly by 18) or you wait until youngest is old enough (another 6 years or so).

If you tell DC1 now & explain this is just an ‘FYI’, it doesn’t matter in any way or change things but you thought they were old enough to know, and that DC2 will be trusted with the same info at the same age, when they’re old enough to know, why is that a problem? Is it because DC1 can’t keep their counsel? Or just that you’d feel guilty?

The only reason I guess to tell them is the biological one. And I suppose ethically just because I respect them. Is there a reason they should know? Is there a reason they shouldn’t know?

The ‘biological issue’ is not a big deal. It’s not their dad, after all.

I think if it’s a respect thing, that points to you telling 16-year-old as a point of trust, but waiting to tell 10-yr-old.

You definitely need your dad’s opinion.

Yes, I agree. Thank you for this. I think you are right. I I would like to softly let dd1 know. I think she will be ok. No drama. I respect her and that’s the reason. To be honest I think it might rock ds’s world a bit at the moment. I think dd will appreciate me telling her and I trust her. I will speak to my dad first though.

I should elaborate, the only reason I'd wait is it might hurt your dads feelings, but it's a good idea to talk to your parents first as see what they think, as he may not be bothered

My biological dad hasn’t got any other kids. He is a bit of a tit. But we still live in the same small town and there is a small chance we could bump in to him at some point. He knows I have two kids, last time I bumped in to him I told him but he wasn’t too fussed so I don’t think he will be too upset. The kids certainly aren’t missing out on another grandparent in their lives. I don’t think he cares.

I knew about my dad’s adoption under similar circumstances starting around age 4-5. I may have been told earlier, but that is my first distinct memory of it. It was always just a fact.

we Definitely never specifically told our dd. we just would mention it periodically from early on. just like we would mention other semi-interesting tidbits of the family tree to keep them all nice and normal.

I wouldn't tell the children. As you said OP, your adoptive Dad was* your real father. Why introduce them to the idea of some absent sperm donor who they're never going to meet anyway?
Sometimes 'secrets' should be kept if it's for the good of all involved.*

Completely agree. There is no need to tell them anything. I also disagree it’s a secret, your dad actually is your dad and that’s the truth, which is likely all you have ever told your kids, that ye is your dad. Why do you need to complicate this and go into a sperm donor? If it was directly relevant to them, in that THEIR dad was not their biological dad then that’s a different matter and you would say they have the right to know. But, this is not about their dad, it’s about your dad, so they have no need or right to know anything other than he is your dad.

I found out my Dad was adopted when I was about 8yrs old, sometime around then. Can't 100% remember. But they did hold off telling me until I was of an age where I could understand not to bring it up infront of my Grandparents. That was their key reason for telling me later. I don't think they waited for a specific age but more a specific level of maturity, which is different for each kid.

I had a few questions - but this was the whole truth for my case - Grandma and Grandad couldn't have a baby, so they adopted.

When I asked well what happened to the other people - I was told - the lady couldn't take care of him but must have loved him very much to make sure he went to such lovely people. My Mum was very much like - sometimes we have to put the needs of others ahead of our own and your Grandparents are your Grandparents and they are Daddy's parents. There was some explanation on how we don't talk about it with my Grandparents because they raised him and they love him just like he was their own, so it would upset them to be asked lots of questions.

I was definitely old enough to grasp that as a concept and respect it. I never had a conversation with my Grandparents about it.

I think it helped that everyone in the scenario was painted as an incredibly nice person! Your adoption is different to my Dad's. My Dad's was a social services, he didn't know any of his birth family type of adoption.

So my advice would be to tell them but do so matter of fact and just allow them to ask questions. 16yrs and 10yrs is a different age group to when I found out but I do remember neither of my parents made a big thing out of it, and they told me in a way that wasn't emotional, which meant I was able to explore the topic and ask my own questions, rather than be 'told' alot of stuff.

Like I say, I was a bit younger than your kids, so I understand the reasons my parents took the approach they did. But it really wasn't a big deal.

Would it be a secret that would have to keep?

In my limited experience, kids tend to roll with stuff like this way better when they are younger. Ex, my dd (4)’s best buddy was conceived via donor sperm, while mum was pregnant she started dating a really nice guy who was on board with pregnancy. 5 years down the line, they are happily together and just had another kid. My DD just knows that she has a daddy but other kid has a “Henry” (not his real name) and a Henry is just like a daddy except other kid wasn’t made with parts of him. Neither kid is phased at all. So I’d just tell them, especially since it’s related to two generations above.

Yes go ahead. My son always knew and I made sure granddaughter knows too. No reason they shouldn't know their family history.

My DH was adopted by his mothers 2nd husband. Our kids have always known this. It's never been a secret. Not sure why you never would have told them

@Whatamigoingtodopleasehelp is there a possibility that they may have half siblings in the area? that was my point. you wouldn't want your teen daughter dating her half brother.