Should I tell my DC's I am adopted?

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My mum had me when when she 19. My biological dad is not on on my birth certificate. My mum married my Dad when I was 3 and he adopted me. He is the only dad I have ever known. I did meet my bio dad a few years ago, I do look like him but we are not in touch any more and probably wont be ever again.

I have two DC's 16 year old girl and 10 year old boy. I'm wondering if and when I should tell them? Is it important at this stage? I don't want it to be a big 'thing' but I guess they need to be told at some point. I can't discuss it with my mam and dad, they will take it badly. I don't want a dramatic soap opera reveal. I don't want to keep secrets either. I can't tell 16 year old without telling 10 year old at same time but they are at different stages maturity wise.

I don't see the point of keeping it a secret? "Grand dad became my stepdad when he married Grandma, and he loved me/us so much he adopted me" is a point of interest, not some huge terrible secret that could destabilise the kids or tear the family apart (like "your dad's not your biological dad").

If you actually keep it a secret unnecessarily though, it could come across as shocking and destabilising to them when they're adults. (They may need to know for health/genetic reasons btw.) It's not going to be a big deal at all when they're kids.

It would be a half cousin which is legal and common in some communities. I personally wouldn't choose to and there can be a higher rate of genetic issues. It might though be a good way of broaching it with OP's parents.

I'm adopted. Ds is adopted. I think secrecy around this is kind of odd. There's nothing to be ashamed of. Your Dad is still your Dad.

I do think you should tell them - a friend of mine nearly ended up dating her half-brother and was mortified to find out. She was adopted in one area and moved to a bigger city and so did her biological father's family. So it wasn't somebody local as it were and she didn't know she was adopted.

The other thing is health issues. You don't want to be thinking that you have a low risk of heart disease when it might in fact run rampant in your biological grandfather's family. My mother's family has a genetic problem with high cholesterol levels which I didn't seem to inherit but one of my children does seem to have inherited the gene. It is important that he knows about the gene and is ready to take medication and modify his diet in the future. I am sure there are lots of other diseases with a genetic component.

Gosh, I would tell them. “Your grandpa is such a wonderful man. He’s my stepdad, you know, and he loved me so much he adopted me as well.”

We told the kids that H is adopted when they were tiny, just as part of family history. I know that this situation is different, but you don’t need to dwell on how much of a tit the fellow is if you don’t want to - just that he and grandma broke up, then grandma met grandpa and he became your dad.

I always remember the story of my uncle finding out as an adult that his older half siblings weren’t full siblings, and how upset he was - everyone else in the extended family knew except him. And H’s aunt, who wasn’t told until after her adoptive parents died. It’s not nice to find this stuff out as an adult.

I really don’t understand why you feel ashamed. Growing up with a stepfather isnt unusual - yours just went a stage further.

I have an adopted son. All the younger kids born since my son’s adoption know about it. We had a big party last year to celebrate 10 years of being adopted.
I also have a stepfather who has been married to my mum for 35 years. My mum has a quite a collection of grandchildren and great grandchildren, they all know that grandad isnt mine or my brothers dad. He is just grandad.
Its not a big deal

If they ever do one of those dna tests from a website they will find out anyway and think that granny cheated on him. Just tell them, it's no big deal unless you make it a big deal.

He’s not OP’s stepdad though, he’s her dad.

Seriously this doesn’t need to be some kind of sit down talk where you confide some dark secret in your children.

I think I was about 7 when I discovered that my dad’s dad wasn’t his real dad. It was just mentioned in discussion, I don’t even think that I was told specifically, someone just made reference to it.

My uncle though was adopted and I wasn’t not told, but i was told not to just blurt it out as he was actually my cousin and my gran had adopted him. He, on the other hand, was told by a child at school when he was five that “your mum’s not your real mum,” presumably from a child who had overheard their parents gossiping.

But this isn’t the same as a child being told by their adoptive parents that they were adopted, people make far too much of this biological link further down the family, and the the almost expectation that extended family should be upset and feel betrayed at being told. Why? While your dad didn’t come into your life until you were three, their grandad has always been their grandad. They absolutely don’t need to know, but there’s nothing wrong with them knowing but it doesn’t need to be made a thing of.

I mean in reality how many of us are interested in our grandparents’ extended families? Depending on the ages likely not that much. Kids don’t have nearly the kind of connection to great aunts and uncles and second cousins as parents have to their aunts and cousins.

Question is, is your dad your dad? Or do you feel some kind of sense of loss and wish he wasn’t? Is he a good father? Because that’s what counts.

I would absolutely tell them. But you don't need to make a big deal about it - just say you thought they should know and the only reason you haven't told them before is because he's your dad to all intents and purposes and you forget he's not related to you.

Keeping it secret makes it seem like a much bigger deal than it is

I think you should tell them. It might be relevant if they have any genetic related medical issues. Also I think it would be terrible for them to find out from some other source or by accident somehow (I know lots of people are finding out from doing DNA familial websites etc).

I always think that honesty is the best policy. Giving kids information in an age appropriate manner.

At 10 and 16 you should be able to say “nanny and grampy don’t like to talk about it. So please don’t speak to them about it. But If you have any questions you can ask me at any time”.

Whilst I respect that your parents wouldn’t be happy, it’s not really fair for you to have to hide a part of your life story from your children or for them to not know their family tree. I think you can manage this sensitively. You sound like you are very thoughtful of everyone's needs.

i would tell. There is nothing to be ashamed of, it may be relevant socially or medically in the future (and could be revealed by bio dads relations) and ethically it is better not to keep secrets.

I don't understand why you wouldn't tell them.

My mum is in her sixties now and she was adopted by her aunt and uncle - I've always known about it. It was just normal to me and I never saw it as any kind of big deal.

Yes, tell them now. The longer you leave it, the more it's a big shocking reveal, rather than an everyday fact.

Give your Mum and Dad a heads-up and reassure them (no need to forewarn your bio dad).

I would tell them before they are old enough to do "fun" DNA tests and it throws up unexpected relatives.

I don't understand the big secret, or dramatic framing of being adopted. Most of their friends will have step-parents or blended families and yours just made it more formal. It was obviously a lovely thing to do but no great bombshell.
I wonder whether you might have mixed feelings about your situation that might be helpful to explore though?

I found out when doing the family tree. I found it very strange that they had never told me. Much better to be honest keeping secrets makes it a much bigger deal.

You were adopted my a man who (I assume) has been in your life for many years and he is (again, I assume) a kind hearted Dad/ Grandad. It says a lot more about him, that he adopted you and raised you as his own from such a young age.
I’d have thought that was actually worth celebrating.
I don’t think it has to be a big deal - some children that are adopted have no idea at all where they are from - I think you are one of the lucky ones.

You need to tell them. If they are asked about family history at the doctors at any point they need to know they don't know that part of the family's genetic history.

Wow this seems complicated, not sure I understand what's going on here......

These two points are so important, they need repeating.

1. Encountering blood relatives without knowing you are related to them.

2. Inherited health issues. I’m amazed so many people have glossed over this. I can scarcely think of a medical appointment (including opticians) where I haven’t been asked whether other members of my family have any of a variety of health concerns. There are potentially really serious implications if those treating you don’t have access to full and accurate information.

Now DNA testing is something you give as a Christmas present it is vital they know because it will come out as soon as someone in the family does one and the dots don't join up.

We are going to be doing some thinking as a society about what family and ancestors mean in coming years. Obviously he is your father but are his parents your grandparents, his grandparents uour great grandparents etc. Whose family tree would your children follow back. They have a bilogical lineage and a societal one. They need to be prepared for this.

It's fairly likely that several of their friends have step dads, maybe even in the same situation as you. It might be something that could come up naturally one day, where you can just drop in my dad is my dad even though he's my step dad.

My step dad raised me from the age of 4, never seen biological dad since I was 3. He died this year. I won't tell DC step dad isn't bio dad as I think it's irrelevant. As far as I'm concerned he is my dad and that's all that matters.

I think you are over thinking this. You were raised by your biological mother and step father. This is a very normal situation for many many people. Fairly run of the mill really. The fact that he took on parental responsibility formally through adoption isn't particularly relevant for your children and I think focusing on that element could muddy the waters for them and could cause unnecessary worry for them.

Find ways to bring it up organically. There must be photos of you as a baby or wedding photos or friends of theirs who are being raised by step parents and story lines in TV shows.

I'd tell them because it would be better to hear this from their mother rather than via a chance encounter with their biological grandfather in the town, or if they decide to do so ancestry research at some point.