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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I tell my DC's I am adopted?

115 replies

Whatamigoingtodopleasehelp · 20/04/2023 01:11

My mum had me when when she 19. My biological dad is not on on my birth certificate. My mum married my Dad when I was 3 and he adopted me. He is the only dad I have ever known. I did meet my bio dad a few years ago, I do look like him but we are not in touch any more and probably wont be ever again.

I have two DC's 16 year old girl and 10 year old boy. I'm wondering if and when I should tell them? Is it important at this stage? I don't want it to be a big 'thing' but I guess they need to be told at some point. I can't discuss it with my mam and dad, they will take it badly. I don't want a dramatic soap opera reveal. I don't want to keep secrets either. I can't tell 16 year old without telling 10 year old at same time but they are at different stages maturity wise.

OP posts:

nighthawk99 · 20/04/2023 15:29

Its a big thing to you because its your father, for a grandfather I really dont think they will care

memoire · 20/04/2023 15:37

Gremlinsateit · 20/04/2023 12:03

Well, of course it depends on what OP wants to do, but I don’t think the title stepdad is demeaning or diminishing - I’m just suggesting a simple way to explain, using terms the kids will be familiar with.

Show quote history

No I see where you're coming from but he is actually her dad on paper now, because he has legally adopted her. So maybe: “Your grandpa is such a wonderful man. He was my stepdad, you know, and he loved me so much he adopted me as well.” It's a good script you posted

SC210 · 20/04/2023 15:38

For everyone mentioning about how they should know for medical history reasons, it's actually pretty common to have a dad that isn't biologically your father:

https://www.google.com/amp/s/metro.co.uk/2019/06/01/one-in-ten-britons-dont-know-who-their-real-father-is-9770959/amp/

I would just explain to them that your dad is your step dad, and that he went through the legal route to get parental responsibility for you. Plenty of their friends will have step dads.

I would say that is a lot simpler that using the term adopted...I know you are technically adopted, but I say this as someone who was adopted as in, removed from their biological family, taken into foster care and then adopted by a completely new family, which raises a lot more potential questions.

One in ten Britons 'don't know who their real father is'

Genetic tests have shown that 10% of British people don't know the man they call 'dad' isn't their real father

https://www.google.com/amp/s/metro.co.uk/2019/06/01/one-in-ten-britons-dont-know-who-their-real-father-is-9770959/amp

RegainingTheWill2023 · 20/04/2023 15:59

I would just explain to them that your dad is your step dad, and that he went through the legal route to get parental responsibility for you. Plenty of their friends will have step dads.
I totally disagree with this.
Plenty of their friends will indeed have stepdads and it is wholly different relationship to the OP's father! He may have started out being a step parent but by adopting her that changed entirely. He is her father. The circumstances are different from an out of family adoption but the relationship is exactly the same.

RegainingTheWill2023 · 20/04/2023 16:01

I know you are technically adopted. It's not a technicality it's a fact!

SC210 · 20/04/2023 16:14

@RegainingTheWill2023

I guess we'll disagree.

Step dad is an easy way to explain their original relationship to children. Bluntly, he would have not adopted her without his relationship with her mother in the first place.

I don't see the need to use the term adopted when explaining it to them.

Bibbitybobbityboot · 20/04/2023 16:17

My dad was adopted. I've kind of always known so I must have been told pretty young. His parents had both died before I was born though so never knew my grandparents. I think you have to tell them, they might do Ancestry one day and get a shock (I did mine and matched to my half-uncle for example).

RegainingTheWill2023 · 20/04/2023 16:20

Bluntly, he would have not adopted her without his relationship with her mother in the first place
So what?
He could have remained her step father and taken no legal or financial responsibility for her at all. Like the vast majority of ste parents. But he chose to adopt her. That matters.

mamnotmum · 20/04/2023 16:23

I would but not as a big 'I've got something to tell you' just as if it isn't a big deal. Which obviously it isn't.

Might be relevant medically at some point x

AP5Diva · 20/04/2023 16:28

Feelings aside, your DCs should know that their maternal grandfather is not biologically related to them simply for medical history reasons. It’s up to you when and how you tell them.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 20/04/2023 16:33

SC210 · 20/04/2023 16:14

@RegainingTheWill2023

I guess we'll disagree.

Step dad is an easy way to explain their original relationship to children. Bluntly, he would have not adopted her without his relationship with her mother in the first place.

I don't see the need to use the term adopted when explaining it to them.

But he's not her step-dad - he's her dad. They're just not biologically related.

Step-dad is a very different relationship to adoptive dad.

thaisweetchill · 20/04/2023 16:33

I think you should tell them both but start with a 'I've got something to tell you'. If you strike up a conversation about your dad you can drop it in like that?

shattered25 · 20/04/2023 16:36

It's completely up to you. My mums brother (my uncle) was adopted it was mentioned once so we are aware. But that's it, to the family it's irrelevant as he has always been and always will be considered as a full whole brother. So they are actually hurt if it's ever questioned x

Disneygirl37 · 20/04/2023 19:35

I would definitely tell them. The sooner the better. I have an adopted son I would never want him to keep it secret or feel ashamed.
I've always talked to him about it in an age appropriate way it's his story. I can't ever change his story and pretend it didn't happen. Your adopted dad is your real dad and it definitely doesn't make him a lesser dad or grandad, but being adopted is part of who you are. I would tell them but not massive deal about it.

memoire · 21/04/2023 02:13

SC210 · 20/04/2023 16:14

@RegainingTheWill2023

I guess we'll disagree.

Step dad is an easy way to explain their original relationship to children. Bluntly, he would have not adopted her without his relationship with her mother in the first place.

I don't see the need to use the term adopted when explaining it to them.

I think it's a very different quality of relationships/feelings for the child. Step parent is circumstantial (and many loving step parents don't ever really view the child as their own), adoptive parent is when you've chosen the child to become your own fully. Yes it's true the adoption was propelled by marriage but it is still an active choice

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