Should I tell my DC's I am adopted?

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My mum had me when when she 19. My biological dad is not on on my birth certificate. My mum married my Dad when I was 3 and he adopted me. He is the only dad I have ever known. I did meet my bio dad a few years ago, I do look like him but we are not in touch any more and probably wont be ever again.

I have two DC's 16 year old girl and 10 year old boy. I'm wondering if and when I should tell them? Is it important at this stage? I don't want it to be a big 'thing' but I guess they need to be told at some point. I can't discuss it with my mam and dad, they will take it badly. I don't want a dramatic soap opera reveal. I don't want to keep secrets either. I can't tell 16 year old without telling 10 year old at same time but they are at different stages maturity wise.

Bad advice.

Your DC will find out. Possibly after you die when going through your papers and they find your birth and adoption certificates and you nor your parents will be there to explain.

Just tell them about it and ask them not to tell your parents as it will upset them. Your dad is still your dad and grandad is still their grandad and that's that.

We’re pretty transparent in my family and this would have been a casual conversation a long time ago. No big deal…families come in many different ways and I can’t see any benefit to being hush hush about it. Just tell them both

I would tell them because it is such a normal, reasonable, thing that there is no reason not to. Not telling them makes it a secret and maybe lying by omission.

I would try and do it casually when talking about relationships although it may be a bit late for that to work as well. Why do you think it would be more difficult for your son to accept? That makes it potentially more important that you think through how best to do it.

Some posters are referring to her dad as her "step dad". He's not - an adoptive father is legally the father.

It's still important that the DC know she's adopted. I think it's rather wonderful that he came into her life when she was 3 and she got a daddy. Adoption is not a dirty secret.

Your kids should be told. It is their biological information too.
Your daughter is old enough to be sensitive to the feelings of her grandparents, so I would tell the grandparents then her.

I would plan to tell your son at about 16 or 17 too.
Tell your daughter your plans so she possibly would tell him if you had an accident or sudden death.

The reason I would tell them is out of sheer respect for them knowing about themselves, their family history and health issues. They also then are alerted to family names etc should they date a cousin in future.

I'd tell them.

They might be wondering why you don't look like grandad

They might want to know their medical history in the future

They might have half siblings in the area

The concern for me would be the possibility of my children coming across any children of my biological father and developing a sexual relationship. That is why I think it is important to know who your relatives are. I have heard several stories of adopted children of the same parents meeting each other and, not knowing, even getting married. That is why I would ensure that my children knew.

My cousin wasn’t told that her mum was adopted, I felt really bad when she would be saying ‘oh I’ve inherited my physical features/interests etc from my grandad/grandma’ when every other person there knew that she had no biological link to her grandparents. I think it would’ve been far better for her to know the truth as it does feel disrespectful to exclude her from knowledge that everyone else has.

Alot of people don't though. I don't know of health related issues on my Dad's side.

I do know though that when it comes to being asked the question- saying my Dad was adopted so I don't know about his side of the family - Is an honest answer. Medical people collecting that info can risk assess it as they see fit.

My mum was adopted by her dad, I always knew, it was just a 'matter of fact' kind of deal. I've never been adversely affected by the knowledge.

I am in my sixties and have a similar background. I can't even remember when I told my DC about it but they grew up knowing that my much loved dad was not my biological dad. It wasn't a big deal to them, just part of our family history.

I haven’t rtft. But OP I believe it is best to tell children about this as soon as is possible, to do as gently as you can - do it as an opening, allow them to ask questions and try not to be uptight about it otherwise they will pick it up and think it’s a taboo subject.

Be ready for questIons like ‘have you met your birth parents’? Do you want to find them? Can we meet them? and these questions may come up, whenever. They might ask painful questions. Think about how you’ll manage that without making them feel bad for wanting to know. If you feel you can handle their questions, then you are ready to do it.

In the long run, it will deepen the relationship between you and your children to not feel like you have a secret and for them to know something about you which is important to you.

I was adopted at birth. I grew up always knowing I was adopted, I must have been told when I was very, very young, but I don't remember. It was never a secret, or something to be ashamed about. It was actually made to be something special, I remember someone saying to me once how wonderful it was that someone wanted me so much that they adopted me.

My children have also always known about my family history. Why wouldn't I tell them, it's part of me and therefore part of them. They also don't ever remember being told, as they were young at the time.

Adoption shouldn't be a secret, IMO, unless for very specific reasons. It's a wonderful thing, a true gift.

That said, I was lucky that my mum and dad were very supportive, open and happy for me to tell others. There was no perceived shame. It would be trickier if your parents will take it badly. Talk to them, help them to understand why you would want to tell your children.

@Gremlinsateit

Gosh, I would tell them. “Your grandpa is such a wonderful man. He’s my stepdad, you know, and he loved me so much he adopted me as well.”

She definitely shouldn't say this because it undermines his role completely.

He isn't her stepdad.

He's her dad.

Ah. I think you should have told them 14 & 8 years ago so they were brought up 'knowing'. That's the advice for adopted children, and I think grandchildren should be the same.

If your eldest is doing GCSEs I'd now wait until after then and then tell them both, similarly if she has end y12 exams, just in case it causes any wobbles.

I probably should have told you this before, but Granddad isn't my biological dad. Gran had me before she met Granddad and he adopted me when I was 3. I didn't tell you before as it makes no difference to me - he is my Dad - but I have realised you need to know if only because it isn't something that needs to / should be hidden, and it might be relevant if you are ever asked about family medical history.

the sooner the better really. being careful about how you tell them.

You should tell them.

Only because lots of people are doing DNA tests and discovering some of their relations aren't who they think they are.

If one of them does a DNA test when older they won't be surprised to find blood relations they know nothing about.

My DH is adopted in similar circumstances to yourself. When DHs biological dad got in touch our children were 3 and 6. So we explained it all to the kids in an age appropriate way. Now it is just a fact of their life no drama. Definitely tell them I have seen the damage "secrets" have on families.

Well, of course it depends on what OP wants to do, but I don’t think the title stepdad is demeaning or diminishing - I’m just suggesting a simple way to explain, using terms the kids will be familiar with.

My DD9 does not know that her grandad is my Stepfather. I expect it will come up at some point as I call him by his name and not dad.

My brother is my mum and stepdads son and he didnt bat an eyelid when he found out. Im hoping it the same for DD as my real dad is awful abusive drunk. we are no contact and have been for years.

It would break my heart if DD was upset as her grandad is her most favorite person in the world and he utterly adores her.

@mogtheexcellent Why not get on and mention it rather than waiting for her to ask?

Well, of course it depends on what OP wants to do, but I don’t think the title stepdad is demeaning or diminishing - I’m just suggesting a simple way to explain, using terms the kids will be familiar with

But he's not her step dad, he's her dad - legally and emotionally. There's an important distinction. OP has a birth/bio father - the kids will be able to understand that.

My dad is adopted and it was never something I was told, it was just always something my parents talked about. I knew that my Nana and Grandpa weren't biologically related to me but it was just normal. Just be open.

I would have expected them to grow up knowing, has it honestly never ever come up in the conversation even once in the last 16 years? you have left it very very late

I don't know why you havent' already. It's hiding these things that make them a big deal to kids. My brother is adopted, my kids have known forever. My mum died so their "grandma" is my step mum. Again, they have known forever. Nothing wrong in being adopted, so absolutely no need to hide it.