Should I tell my DC's I am adopted?

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My mum had me when when she 19. My biological dad is not on on my birth certificate. My mum married my Dad when I was 3 and he adopted me. He is the only dad I have ever known. I did meet my bio dad a few years ago, I do look like him but we are not in touch any more and probably wont be ever again.

I have two DC's 16 year old girl and 10 year old boy. I'm wondering if and when I should tell them? Is it important at this stage? I don't want it to be a big 'thing' but I guess they need to be told at some point. I can't discuss it with my mam and dad, they will take it badly. I don't want a dramatic soap opera reveal. I don't want to keep secrets either. I can't tell 16 year old without telling 10 year old at same time but they are at different stages maturity wise.

I would tell them just for the potential health issues. But I would mention it to your DM and DF first. It doesn't make yours or their relationship any different with your DF. He is still very much your DF and their DGF.

It doesn't have to be a big reveal and it can be framed in a discussion about how all families are different.

They should be told.

If op doesn't tell them, it's quite likely they'll find out by some other means, which would be more upsetting.

They have a right to know their own heritage.

I was told when I was about 9 that my grandparents weren’t my biological grandparents, it was a non issue for us kids in all honesty, my grandparents were hurt initially, but once they realised they was still nana and grandad to us it was all fine! It’s a much bigger deal to us adults (fear of rejection I suspect) than it is to children.

I think this does sum it up really, if you all have a good relationship and your dad is your dad, it’s really no issue. Therefore something to be in the open with no real drama attached.

FYI - I know my DM’s dad wasn’t her bio dad, she never talked to me about it and I found out when I was in my 40s when my dad told me about a conversation she had had with a relative ( relative was refusing to tell her who her bio dad was).
I feel sad for my DM, she is dead now, and although it was her decision to keep it to herself I do feel sad sometimes that there may be people out there related to me in some way I will never know. She did have some health concerns and of course I can always tell medical professionals about my history but only hers no further back.

Definitely. Tell them what a great man their grandad is and how brave their gran is.

They won’t be bothered I wouldn’t have thought.

I would tell them. I wasn’t told that my siblings had a different dad and only found out when their biological dad suddenly made contact with my sister. I still wasn’t told - they left ten year old me to work it out for myself! My elderly mum is still so proud of how she is able to keep a secret and I feel like punching her often sometimes.

I would tell them or just 16 year old from a health history point of view in case it might be relevant at some point.

I'm not sure all kids know exactly what a stepdad is if they don't have one... Even for lots of stepkids, he's just "Dad."

I don't think it needs to be a massive sit down, "family meeting" moment. Can't you just introduce the idea that your Dad met/married your Mum after you were born in a matter of fact manner?

I would tell them. I’d speak to your 16yo soon

it doesn’t have to be a big deal. However, with the increase of things like ancestry DNA you don’t want it coming up at a point where there’s not someone to answer the questions or it bring a massive shock.

I need to tell my DC too

I think if you were adopted by both parents rather than one then it may be more relevant for DC.

I don’t think having a step dad is that unusual. Unless I’m missing something.

I don’t think having a step dad is that unusual.

The op doesn’t have a step dad though.

She has a dad who adopted her. There is a difference.

Like lots of pps I think it would have been more sensible to have just made it a part of the known family history as your dc were growing up. Part of the discussion about family generally. They must know that some children are adopted and that adoptive parents are full, legal parents etc.
I wouldn't make it a "I've got something to tell you ..." event.
I'd find a way that includes the information without it being the obvious focus. Presumably your dp have wedding photos? And if you were 3 years old I presume you are in some of the photos? Why not have a family photo session at your parents one afternoon. That way the story will come out naturally.

Imagine if one of your dcs wants to adopt in the future and finds out that it was regarded as a secret in their own family. That implies its shameful or second best.

I've always been honest with my children about my family and how my family is connected and their biological and emotional roles to me (basically I was brought up by grandparents and am one generation out to the generation I was born into). Because I've had those conversations since they were very little, they're just facts and total non-issues. Keeping things secret and leading to a big reveal creates issues and can potentially damage trust.

Family background does matter for health reasons. Knowing my "dad" wasn't biologically connected means that at least I don't have to worry about a very premature death from genetic issues connected to his cause of death. Awareness of who my biological father is means that I don't have to worry about forming inappropriate relationships with paternal family.

Legal documents can turn up after deaths, or when researching genealogy. That's not a good way to find out.

The best way to make it a non issue is to be open about it as early as possible. 10 is pretty late and 16 very late. However with a secure relationship with their granddad, they will still have that relationship regardless of dna.

Nope, this is all sorts of wrong. Destroys trust in an instant when (not "if") they find out.

The sort of awful, old fashioned attitude that can make a family implode for evermore.

It will be if other siblings that come on the scene out of the blue in 5-10-20 years.

What about family medical history? Genetic propensity to diseases when they come to have children of their own? They should have this information.

It may not be so relevant if you don't have a big family, but it is also quite excruciating for extended family members that are aware of the adoption, but direct descendants aren't, and then have massive misinformation about their heritage and DNA.

I've had to step away from some awfully awkward conversations because it wasn't my place to say, well, that's not actually possible... your grandmother isn't actually related to you! Is it possible extended family members may tell them inadvertently in the future?

It's difficult now it's been left so long, but I'd definitely think about telling the teen, and perhaps framing it as a, now you're going out and about by yourself more, you may bump into your biological granddad or members of his family... AND also going to the GP by herself potentially she may need to know whose medical history is actually relevant to her own medical notes. I don't think it's great to ask her to "keep a secret" either, so maybe just address it in a different way with the younger teen but at a similar time, so she doesn't feel like anything has to be kept quiet or secret from a sibling.

Keeping secrets like this is horrendous imo, the longer you leave it, the worse it will seem - and honestly, there is nothing wrong with being adopted. The secret is much worse than the fact.

This.

My great-grandmother adopted a child and it was never a secret, from anyone, so I'm not saying this from someone who has no clue of the dynamics.

My exes family had people adopted who knew and some people adopted who didn't (!) but extended family knew and the dynamic was bloody awful. On top of that, there actually IS a genetic trait she probably thinks she and her kids may inherit - there's no bloody chance because they're not related but they don't know. (EDS)

I also knew someone growing up who found out she was adopted quite late (in her teens), which is quite different to finding out your mother or grandmother was adopted, but it messed her a good'un for a few years. It didn't do any good hiding the fact.

For god's sake do NOT ask your older teen to keep it secret from the younger one

I'm in a similar position and for now have decided to not tell. My DS is 15 and he would love the drama, it would be all over Snapchat etc and he would want to meet his biological family. Other kids are too young yet.

The thing is 1) I don't want to talk to my Dad about it, my mum died a while back and he doesn't know I have traced by biological mother. Bio father died before i got that far. 2) my bio mum has chosen to not tell her 3 kids about me, not sure why but that's her choice. And bio Dad lived next village over all their lives with 5 kids. Her kids and his were acquainted but no one knows the truth, possibly not even his wife.

So in a way its not my secret to tell - I could blow up the lives and relationships of so many people in a village I have never been to. Luckily we are all ethnically the same and no one ever questions it. I would like to come clean eventually but only when DS is mature enough to be discreet forever.

Why would she do that?

Ok then, a step-dad who adopted her. OP was hardly an orphan

It won't be a "skeleton in the closet" if you simply open the door and let it out.