DC don't want me to have another child

[tornmum101]

background: 2 DC from previous relationship with a man. Now in same sex relationship (5+ years)

My DP and I would like to have a baby together using donor sperm in the next couple of years. Both DC make negative comments about this regularly.

would you still have another child? AIBU to do something my DC say they will hate?

I didn’t spend much time with my folks at that stage either. When I was 13, they were at a really tough stage with their careers and they weren’t home that much.

but then they get home, you can have cuddles, you can watch a film etc and mostly….no screaming baby in the house!

Re the 19 year old, it’s a really nice life stage when you can be friends with your parents. I remember picking my dad up from work in the car because I’d passed my test! I remember going to see The English Patient and driving my parents! And talking about the film as adults after.

maybe it’s just me, I think this stuff is important. You will have an adult relationship with your children for much longer than you will have an adult to child interaction.

This is something people need to consider at any age.

I think you should go ahead (but consider your timing - see further down post) particularly if your wife has never had a child of her own, it’s a life experience that’s so valuable and obviously you love each other and would have the added experience of parenting together which would be lovely.

What made me give this advice is the age of your children - had you said 7 and 9 I would have said no because they’re still at the stage where they need you so much and they and baby would have vastly different interests of a weekend.

The fact is you have one adult about to enter 20s and a 15 year old. By the time a baby would be here they would be 16/17 and 20/21.

The adult should be looking at house share by that point, unless there are financial difficulties or they are staying home for sensible reasons like to save up a deposit for a house.

I would worry about both of them only in regard of key exams - the 15 yr old will have GCSEs and A levels; a screaming baby could seriously impact their ability to perform at their best. Both of them may be at home while doing further courses of study or even - as many students do - look to come home to study around key exam periods for some TLC and peace and quiet. A house with a baby isn’t going to give them that.

So yes go ahead if you would like, but try and time the birth for after the younger one has completed A levels. And consider how it will impact them if they were relying on you to give support while they carry out further study. You don’t want them to fall at the final educational hurdle due to a newborn wrecking their sleep.

But she is buying sperm. It’s slightly better than surrogacy which is truly buying a baby as at least the baby won’t be taken away from their mother. So erm donors are still unethical to a lot of people though. They have empathy for the child. But of course it’s all about what the adults want. 🙄

I have listed the three things most people do to support their children growing through their GCSE exams it's a shame if you didn't bother. How many babies have you activslly had because I have had 9 and they cried when they were hungry or tired for v short periods until their needs were meant. They certainly did not scream the house down or affect either teens excellent grades.

This is my usual stance but not in this case.

The ops eldest DC is an adult. The other not far off. In five years time they'll be off doing their own thing. They don't get to dictate what the op does.

Personally I think anyone who has teenagers is absolutely crazy to go back to the baby stage but that's just me...I couldn't be arsed to go through nappies, weaning, sleepless nights, soft play, reading records and packed lunches all over again...shudder!

Sorry this is laughable!

It's a bit different to saying all your life that you are "bi", than having a whole family and then blowing up your family by announcing actually I'm moving out with this woman I just met.

Do you see where your DC are coming from?

@NewNovember I'm not disagreeing with your previous point, but I just want to say you don't know what baby you're going to get. My eldest did scream 18 hours a day for well over six months and only slept in 30 minute slots. It turned out she had lots of allergies.
But a newborn can be very easy and can be very disruptive. It's a massive gamble.

Is their father in the picture/close by?

Any chance they might move to him?

Nobody else's business but yours.
I would not be involving anyone in the decision

Wow. Some peachy homophobia on this thread. As another lesbian mother, OP, I don't know what I think you should do, there's certainly a lot to think about. This thread has given you some ideas to ponder, but I seriously doubt the overwhelming wave of negativity is entirely unrelated to your sexual orientation.

@SparklyBlackKitten Her DW is carrying. We don't know how old her DW is but I'm guessing younger if keen to have her own baby (understandable)

I agree that they may not view this child as a half sibling especially if they have left home by the time it is born which is possible. I also don't think that is necessarily a problem. Its the same as children not always viewing mums new partner as a step parent depending on age and relationship.

Agree @Ketzele - sad to see

I think the reason why some of us who have been in this situation are advocating solely for the existing dc is that we know how tough this particularly situation is.

And fuck off with your ‘homophobia’ accusations.

I am not homophobic.

It wasn’t my dad being gay that was the problem. It was the complete shut down of any of my negative teenage emotions. They had to be ignored, and if I dared mention any discomfort, even slightly, it all suddenly became about how thinking like that hurt dad.

It all had to be happy sunshine and rainbows to validate dad. And far from homophobia, I faced much greater social pressure to be the happy supportive daughter.

But I DID feel like my earlier, happy family life was all a lie when he came out. My childhood memories all felt wrong.

And I didn’t feel any relation at all to the baby he purchased from a poorer country, which was only biologically related to his boyfriend.

You can’t force those things on teenagers and expect a happy outcome all round.

I don’t think my dad should have had to keep pretending to be straight. I don’t think he should have had to stay in a marriage he wasn’t happy in.

I just wish he’d not expected me to shove all negative feelings deep down and for once actually considered that his actions may have affected me negatively, even if he was entitled to them.

I'm really shocked at some of the comments. I'm sure you wouldn't of got this level of negativity if you'd said you and new DH wanted a baby.

I think teens will always have a tendency to be a bit embarrassed of a baby sibling but do normally come around. I think I'd sit them down and say you'll be having a baby because of x, y, z.

As a side note I'm really against surrogacy and do think that's buying a baby. Using a sperm donor is in no way equivalent of that.

As an extra side note for those who don't bother to read the comments, op is a married woman, she's not proposing a baby with someone she just met.

I remember my aunt saying her eldest DC 16 was so embarrassed when she was pregnant with their 4th - because people would know her parents had ‘done it’. So there’s that aspect.

Everything a parent does can be embarrassing for teens

Ugh I don't know. I know I would hate having baby sibling at the age of 15. Are you comfortable financially so they won't be affected and still can do their activities etc.? Really hard situation 😓

I don’t think it is about sexual orientation at all. People just seem to be very anti donor sperm/egg, I can see why. Not knowing your father, genetics or half of your extended family is a very big deal.

Everyone I know (straight or gay) who have used donor egg or sperm know both sides of their family and grew up with the luxury of a conventional mother/father family. And don’t want to listen to people who didn’t and are saying it’s a bad idea. There’s a small handful of posters on here conceived via donor who are very unhappy with their situation and discourage others from doing it, or try to.

Your DC are old enough to understand that they don’t get a say in this. It’s your life, your body, your relationship, your choice.

Your children’s comments are just typical teenager comments, ignore them and let your wife have her baby. They will love it once here.

Ignore the awful comments on here, people are just arseholes!

Absolutely how I feel as well about my mum.

It’s the expectation that as a teen who is living this, you should be all mature and rainbows and ‘enlightened’ about it, with no right to be uncomfortable or unhappy.

I spent my entire school life trying to stop my ‘secret’ from getting out because I knew I would be looked at differently, laughed at or pitied.

My mum used to laugh and say ‘if they tease you so what? Just laugh it off’

Breathtakingly arrogant of her, and all to justify what she wanted.

And ?
Anyone can have a special needs child, a girl I went to school with had a Downs baby while still in her teens.
I knew another young mum who had a baby with cerabel palsy.

So yes who will look after the child if the mums can't do it.