DC don't want me to have another child

[tornmum101]

background: 2 DC from previous relationship with a man. Now in same sex relationship (5+ years)

My DP and I would like to have a baby together using donor sperm in the next couple of years. Both DC make negative comments about this regularly.

would you still have another child? AIBU to do something my DC say they will hate?

Is there a possibility that your children don't like your partner much?

Slightly off-topic, but I have a problem with sperm donation, if it's anonymous.

I think there are lots of children who struggle with never knowing who their (biological) father is.

It isn’t a ‘downs baby’ - it’s a ‘baby with Down’s syndrome’

Of course you have every right to go for it, but in doing so you have to accept the real life consequences, good and bad.

Whether anyone else thinks they’re justified or not, your teenagers have made their feelings clear, and instead of coming around they may very well be true to their word and totally reject a baby as their sibling. What will that mean for family harmony, and your relationships with all parties? As unfortunate and/or unfair as it may be, going ahead could mean losing your relationship with your children. Whether that’s an outcome you’re willing to live with or not is up to you.

If the DW is going to carry the baby then this new baby will not even be a half sibling but a step sibling. It's sort of the triple lutz of blended familydom to manage to have a step sibling that is born after the step parent is married into the family. It's a fairly complex setup. Maybe get some counselling first and really talk it through with a family therapist? I do think you risk alienating your biological children.

Your children’s comments are just typical teenager comments, ignore them and let your wife have her baby. They will love it once here.

I disagree that they will love it once it's here. Sure the OP can go ahead and have another child, but there's no point lying to her about how the situation will play out. They may grow to love any new siblings, but there's just as much chance, if not more that they will have very little to do with the new baby or have any relationship with them.

They've been together 5 years. Most couples in a long and stable relationship would naturally start to want a child together. Take your same-sex judgements elsewhere.

OP, I don't think your older kids should have a say in your reproductive choices. I would have a conversation to get to the bottom of what it is that worries them (finances, attention, noise, etc?) and reassure them. But beyond that, it's for you and your partner to decide.

@YukoandHiro inclined to agree with you, out of myself and all my friends who’ve had children only one was an “easy” baby, bottle fed and slept like a log. The rest were mostly breast fed and were up multiple times in the night. Many had reflux, allergies, xyz and some SEN as well which means they need held all the time and can have long crying bouts and later meltdowns and destructive behaviour.

@NewNovember respect that you’ve had 9 and more power to you, but how your children were seems outlier to what I have experienced/heard at breastfeeding groups and other groups and amongst my social circle.

Not everything in family life is done by discussion and consensus. Some things aren't part of a child's choice. You will now have to deal with your choices, but this is going to cause issues.

@Ketzele have yet to see a thread on MN where the vultures don’t descend. Everyone gets picked over and hit with negativity - it’s quite a negative place.

It's not about length of time but availability.

Babies tend to need you "now". Teens also tend to want you now (if you search, you'll see an awful lot of post from parents of teens saying that they actually reduced work hours to spend more time with teens).

All very well telling the teen that you can't talk to them now because the baby is screaming and you need to settle them but will talk later. The moment may be gone later.

Equally babies tend to cause tired parents. Tired parents may be physically present, but with the best will in the world they may not be emotionally present in the same way. And teens often need a lot of patience, which tired parents don't generally have.

Sorry if it's been answered , but why did you wait 5 years?

I haven't RTFT, OP but don't make anonymous posters make you feel terrible.

From my own perspective, with a 15 and 19 year old, in 4 years time when everyone is working/uni and probably out of the house, I wouldn't dream of it; you'll have your life back to travel the world, be completely spontaneous etc etc, which you've never had with this partner presumably, given you've had children since you met her.

But this could also be the exact reason to have another child if that's what you want. Your existing two are all but reared, and you have the means and also the desire to do it. If they were 8 and 10, I might consider their needs a bit more but at 15 and 19 I'm not convinced I'd let their opinion (certainly that of the 19 year old) sway what is a major decision for you. As a compromise I might wait until the youngest is finished A Levels but obviously I don't know how old you and more importantly your partner are.

Good luck either way.

I think you were daft to discuss it with them as though they have a say in what happens in your relationship.

However, in your shoes, I’d wait until the youngest teen has finished A’levels as a new baby in the home could be very disruptive to their studies and I think as a parent, you owe them that.

‘Maybe get some counselling first and really talk it through with a family therapist? ‘

quick question, woman remarried and wants to have a child with her new husband. Would you suggest THEY have family therapy first?

One of them is 15. Not an adult yet.

With children of that age, I doubt the comment would have been any different, male or female

Yes, family therapy would also be recommendable in those circumstances, if the existing children are struggling with the idea of a new baby.

I completely disagree with posters saying that it should be ignored what the existing children want.

No, it’s not their choice, but that’s not really the point. They can’t decide whether she goes ahead or not, but equally OP can’t decide how her kids respond.

Unfair or not, OP has to consider whether she’s willing to live with the outcome if they didn’t come round, were completely hostile, rejected the baby, and ultimately the relationship between OP and her children broke down.

i They've been together 5 years. Most couples in a long and stable relationship would naturally start to want a child together. Take your same-sex judgements elsewhere.

Not always or automatically, and certainly not commonly when they are older and already have an almost grown up family. Yes, lots of people go ahead and have blended families or children with different partners but not always - at least from numerous threads on these boards - with a great deal of consideration for family members who already exist or practicality, responsibility, space, finances, health risks, work, life chances etc. It's quite reasonable that posters have raised issues on these grounds and it's nothing to do with being in a same sex relationship. Being in a new(er) relationship with anyone and desiring a child with them does not simply trump all other considerations or other people's feelings. Quite often these days I feel like I'd like to bugger off with my dog and cats and go and live on my own in a little cottage by the sea, sod everyone else, but I have close family members who would be rather upset and detrimentally affected by that which would in turn upset me greatly. Life is not all about individual desires when you have other people you are responsible for and love.

@Ersorrywhatnow actually yeah, I think therapy benefits literally everyone in this situation (I know you weren’t directing your question at me, sorry hijacking!!)

i think that the chance of failure in subsequent relationships is higher, and if you’ve gone through one failed relationship with the parent of your first children, why wouldn’t you want therapy after that? I definitely would. Therapy is a wonderful thing (with the right therapist) and indicative of excellent personal reflection and health. I’d go so far as to say it’s like pre natal vitamins for the mind. Wonderful.

When I was about 15 my parents wanted to buy a run down house in a seaside town about 15 miles from where we lived. I made such a fuss about not wanting to move, being too far from school ( even though I would get a lift with mum everyday or the fast train) out in the sticks etc. that they didn’t.
As an adult I realise what a selfish prick I had been. It was an amazing opportunity for them to buy a house that would have been amazing done up and worth a small fortune now in a beautiful seaside town that they would have been lucky to retire in.
why they let me sway them I don’t know, they never got the chance again to have a house like that. And I left home 3 years later.

Don’t let the opinion of a 15 year old on ANYTHING major in YOUR life hold
you back! We’re programmed to be selfish little arseholes at that age.

Sit down with DP, find out how important this is to her. If my now DE had said she never wanted kids it would have been a deal breaker for me. I wouldn’t have stayed with her.

Regrets from inaction are the worst ones.

I wouldn't have even discussed it with them. They say that but when they're newborn sibling is in front of them they will love him/her.

Not necessarily. It's not a given.

‘i think that the chance of failure in subsequent relationships is higher, and if you’ve gone through one failed relationship with the parent of your first children, why wouldn’t you want therapy after that? ‘

No and well that’s patently bollocks because all around me I see heterosexual couples on 2nd marriages, in relationships where there’s children from previous relationships, and you’re telling me they’ve all gone to family therapy? 50% of marriages fail. Those people are going to therapy to make sure they don’t fuck up their next relationships?

I don’t think so. At least in this case it’s not some - I just met a new man and got pregnant by accident scenario or I had an affair and got pregnant. Gay women have so many more hoops to jump through, there’s no accidental pregnancy, it’s a thought out, considered decision.

@Ersorrywhatnow Family therapy is maybe a bit far, however the situation is different I’m afraid.

Woman remarries a man and has a baby with him

1. Existing children are biologically related to the new baby.
2. Teens are not exposed to bullying, negativity that may be faced by those who have gay mums who’ve just had a baby.

The main way OP could get around problem 1 is to have the baby herself, but I suspect this is a long wished for child/pregnancy by the wife.

Unfortunately, OP is going to have the problem that the existing children will not view the new baby as a sibling but as her wife’s child, essentially a step sibling, that they probably won’t have much of a desire to form much of a relationship with.

Quite different to if OP had married a man and had a biological baby with him. Sad but true. So maybe counselling could help with family cohesion. I’m not sure. But it’s certainly a more challenging circumstance.