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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC don't want me to have another child

552 replies

tornmum101 · 19/04/2023 23:39

background: 2 DC from previous relationship with a man. Now in same sex relationship (5+ years)

My DP and I would like to have a baby together using donor sperm in the next couple of years. Both DC make negative comments about this regularly.

would you still have another child? AIBU to do something my DC say they will hate?

OP posts:
SparklyBlackKitten · 20/04/2023 09:00

I would have hated having a baby sister or brother at 15 (and 19 but then moved out).
But teenagers hate anything and anyone. The only (huge!) Issue with baby's is they wake up every few hours throughout the night disrupting the teens. Plus the teens will keep up baby with their nocturnal habits of going out etc.

So I think it would be a bad combi

Ask yourself why you really want another baby and if your own babies (teens) aren't enough.

Plus ask yourself if you can deal with a baby
And a baby with stubborn teens. And a toddler with teens. And...... etc etc

Ersorrywhatnow · 20/04/2023 09:00

'We considered adopting a baby we were looking after, when DC were 14 and 10. We all loved her dearly. But we knew that our DC would be left with a lifelong responsibility for her after we were gone, and didn't want that for them. She was likely to need lifelong care/support, and it seemed a huge thing to lay on them.'

A special needs child? Bit different, isn;t it?

User8907 · 20/04/2023 09:01

Either you talk to your kids about why they are against the idea, or you can go on and have another DC. But set your expectations low and don't expect a sibling relationship. I have some friends that have had much younger sibling (some half, some from same parents) and they haven't formed a relationship until possibly much much later in life (think when they are 30 and 50).

SparklyBlackKitten · 20/04/2023 09:01

Plus. Considering your age
You'd have to factor in if you would be able to deal with a special needs child

... unfortunately

Galatine · 20/04/2023 09:02

FixMyEyebrows · 19/04/2023 23:40

So just from your op...
Why do your kids know?
Why does it have to be donor sperm?

How about: because two women cannot produce sperm.

Kitanai · 20/04/2023 09:03

I think it serves no one to pretend this is just the same as ‘normal’ blended families.

The dc are teenagers entering difficult stages of their lives where they will desperately need their mum.

And their family breakup five years ago will have affected them negatively, no sugar coating that.

On top of all this, they are also going to be completely biologically unrelated to this baby. Which is likely going to fuel the resentment towards that baby when it is disrupting their lives and taking their mums attention away. In effect, it will be similar dynamics to having a step sibling.

I can only share my 14 year old immature thoughts at the time when I was in a similar situation.

I wondered what would happen if my father and his partner split. Was it even worth getting attached to this thing that had turned my life upside down when they could get taken away at any moment (which unfortunately turned out to be what happened).

Why was my Dad seemingly giving all his attention to on and love to this new kid who wasn’t even his? Did I matter that little?

I matured and realised how wrong some of the things I thought were but our relationship never recovered.

Skybluepinky · 20/04/2023 09:05

Strange to discus it with yr children, even at their age.
They probably think it’s strange as u will have to use donor sperm so won’t be yr partners child.

MyHouseOnTheHill · 20/04/2023 09:06

Skybluepinky · 20/04/2023 09:05

Strange to discus it with yr children, even at their age.
They probably think it’s strange as u will have to use donor sperm so won’t be yr partners child.

It will be her partners child, not their mums.

Redburnett · 20/04/2023 09:08

Prioritise your existing children.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/04/2023 09:11

SparklyBlackKitten · 20/04/2023 09:01

Plus. Considering your age
You'd have to factor in if you would be able to deal with a special needs child

... unfortunately

OP could be in her late 30s.

Wheresthebeach · 20/04/2023 09:11

Op I also think you need to be prepared for them to feel that the baby is not a sibling...there is no biological link, and the father will be unknown. They may take the view that the child is nothing to do with them.

Also if you weren't prepared to take their views on board, why ask? It seems that you asked because you were expecting them to tell you its a good idea, to validate your choice. Are you really surprised they aren't happy?

Beezknees · 20/04/2023 09:15

I have a teenager. I absolutely would not have another baby with a teenager and I'm still plenty young enough at 33. I just don't see how raising a teen and a baby can be compatible. Baby crying in the night while teen is trying to focus on school and exams? How can you give them both the attention they need when they're at completely different life stages?

DaaamnYoullDo · 20/04/2023 09:15

Do it! They're old enough to understand its not up to them what you or your partner do with your body.

Ersorrywhatnow · 20/04/2023 09:16

‘Op I also think you need to be prepared for them to feel that the baby is not a sibling...there is no biological link, and the father will be unknown. ‘

oh do take a hike with this kind of comment.
You’d say the same about people who adopt kids? They aren’t REALLY their children? They aren’t REALLY your brother or sister?

What about my kids? Are they not REALLY my wife’s children because I have birth to them? Is that how it works? Or is being a family and a parent and a sibling about more than genetics.
FFS.

OP - sorry but MN really is the worst place to ask about anything that relates to you being in a same-sex relationship. I’ve had the most basic convos that have nothing to do with my sexuality that get derailed by my having a DW and not a DH.

Catspyjamas17 · 20/04/2023 09:17

It's your call but I think you'd be unwise to start again with a baby now, particularly without everyone's agreement. What about work, university, money, pension, holidays, space, looking to retirement, freedom to do other things in life than have sleepless nights and wash nappies again? Also health and other risks to baby and mother from being older. And the kids may not be living their own lives in a few years, with the housing/cost of living situation a lot of twenty and thirty somethings will be living with/at least partly dependent on parents for a long time. It's not ideal for a GCSE/A-level student to have a baby in the house either. People manage if it happens by accident but it doesn't sound great to actually plan for this. It sounds like your kids are fairly wise to object to something that will have a huge impact on them, and you.

Coffeeandbourbons · 20/04/2023 09:18

But of course the fact OP is in a same sex relationship and would therefore use donor sperm is relevant.

Firstly because the children have already had the shock of learning their mum is bi/lesbian and has a female partner, most likely after believing they had a conventional family set up. A baby would be a further shock, just as it sounds like the dust has settled and everyone is in a good place.

Secondly because as OP as said her wife will be carrying with donor sperm this is much more complicated than ‘mum and dad having a surprise baby later on’. Would it be their ‘sibling’? Would they be expected to see him/her as such? What happens if OP and her partner split, would they have any need or right to see their ‘sibling’ at all? OP is in her 40s - not a nice topic but if she passed away would they be expected to ‘step up’ and be family to this child?

In my case it was presented to me as the baby not being my sibling but more like a relative of some kind. However mum’s partner (carrier) became severely mentally unwell so my mum took over the vast majority of the baby’s care and had no time for me any more (I was 16). I was asked if I would adopt the baby if anything happened to mum and partner or they felt unable to look after him a few years down the line (neither in good health) and caused an almighty row when I said I wouldn’t. Mum and partner split after I left home, by this point I was barely speaking to mum after everything so I have no idea how it all played out with custody but from what I’ve heard I believe the partner was trying to stop my mum from seeing him.

The damage has been done by my mum and we no longer have a relationship and haven’t seen each other for many years, she’s never met my kids. Apparently she’s very sad about this but is it surprising? I look at my own 2 children and wonder how on Earth anyone could put theirs through it all.

beeskipa · 20/04/2023 09:18

It's a bit 'you're old enough now that I'm getting a new family'. Can see why your children aren't keen - it's not like having a half-sibling a few years apart that they'll grow up with. Chances are neither of them will live with this child for more than a year or two and they're unlikely to feel like siblings - so unless you're planning more than one, this baby is going to be effectively an only child whose much elder siblings didn't want them to exist and don't really know them.

I wouldn't. You opened up the discussion to your kids by being open about it - you made it possible for them to tell you how they felt. I mean, you can do it anyway - it's your choice. But you can't expect them to suddenly be delighted if it happens.

mainsfed · 20/04/2023 09:20

OP's wife will be birthing the baby, so it's hardly 'buy a baby' Hmm

I bet the haters are angry that the dc are 19 and 15. If the children were 9 and 5 it would REALLY have given them an opportunity to froth.

Coffeeandbourbons · 20/04/2023 09:21

@Ersorrywhatnow read my posts. I was OP’s child in this scenario. PP’s comment was spot on and valid, uncomfortable as that may make some people. And your ‘equivalencies’ are nothing like what PP was talking about.

Theluggage15 · 20/04/2023 09:22

mainsfed · 20/04/2023 09:20

OP's wife will be birthing the baby, so it's hardly 'buy a baby' Hmm

I bet the haters are angry that the dc are 19 and 15. If the children were 9 and 5 it would REALLY have given them an opportunity to froth.

‘The haters’. Grow up.

shouldisay · 20/04/2023 09:22

3WildOnes · 20/04/2023 07:37

I wouldn't have another child in your circumstances. I wouldn't want my children to have half siblings.

Why not? All my siblings are half siblings. I have 4 half brothers and they are as much my brothers as full ones. Each one of them would drop everything in a heartbeat if I needed them and I would for them. I really don't get why this can be seen as an issue.

I'm stunned at some of the comments on this thread, OP I think you are getting a particularly hard time. There is no doubt a baby would change the dynamic of your family, however, that will always happen even if another baby was planned. What will make this a positive change in dynamic though is how you and your wife handle this.
You have asked your children their views and they have told you so take them on board. Why are they against it and find out specifically what it is that they will find difficult and plan how this will be handled. If they are worried about time and attention, figure out how that impact can be lessened. Bear in mind though teenagers are by their very existence selfish and they will come out the other side. They only ever see as far as the end of their own nose and how any given situation is going to benefit them.

If you and your wife want still want to have a baby after this then go for it. I wish you both well.

As for the buy a baby comments and only in it for the benefits? I have no words.

mainsfed · 20/04/2023 09:23

Theluggage15 · 20/04/2023 09:22

‘The haters’. Grow up.

Show quote history

Get a grip. Telling a woman using sperm donor that she is buying a baby is obscene and hateful.

Get some empathy FFS.

NewNovember · 20/04/2023 09:24

As long as you are not giving birth just before or during GCSE exams it's a none issue. Exams are fir the children you can be supportive abd buy them rescources plan a revision table and make them nice breakfasts on the day and have a new baby. Have been through it twice no issues.

Coffeeandbourbons · 20/04/2023 09:25

NewNovember · 20/04/2023 09:24

As long as you are not giving birth just before or during GCSE exams it's a none issue. Exams are fir the children you can be supportive abd buy them rescources plan a revision table and make them nice breakfasts on the day and have a new baby. Have been through it twice no issues.

A ‘nice breakfast’ in return for a newborn baby screaming the house down? Have you visited planet earth?

Justalittlebitduckling · 20/04/2023 09:26

tornmum101 · 20/04/2023 00:00

DC are 19 & 15

we have space/finances/time for another child.

We discuss most things with them, they are old enough to understand.

If you decide to go ahead, I think you can have an adult, respectful conversation with them and explain why you’re doing it anyway. Same with any decision you make that your older teenagers disagree with like moving house etc