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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC don't want me to have another child

552 replies

tornmum101 · 19/04/2023 23:39

background: 2 DC from previous relationship with a man. Now in same sex relationship (5+ years)

My DP and I would like to have a baby together using donor sperm in the next couple of years. Both DC make negative comments about this regularly.

would you still have another child? AIBU to do something my DC say they will hate?

OP posts:
usererror99 · 20/04/2023 08:42

HeddaGarbled · 20/04/2023 00:09

My DP and I would like to have a baby together using donor sperm in the next couple of years

Why?

It’s a bit ‘buy a baby’ as an accessory to the new relationship, isn’t it?

Agree with this

midgemadgemodge · 20/04/2023 08:42

Just read op posts

Although they are adults they are also children and my guess is that they fear being less loved

They are children form a dead relationship the new baby will be part of your living new family

MyHouseOnTheHill · 20/04/2023 08:42

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/04/2023 08:33

They don’t get a say in the matter

it’s that simple really

and plus at their ages they will be off to uni or wherever soon and living their own lives.

time for you to live yours

I have yet to see you seeing things from the children’s point of view ever, no matter what the situation. You’re all over mumsnet being awful about kids, promoting ignoring children’s feelings and telling people adults should be prioritised at every opportunity you get. Very weird.

Ersorrywhatnow · 20/04/2023 08:43

Asking a 15 year old to consider anything outside themselves is almost pointless! You and your partner decide.

NoTouch · 20/04/2023 08:48

ladydimitrescu · 20/04/2023 01:09

Maybe the feel they'll be expected to help a lot with the baby and they don't want that? It's a huge age gap. Tbh I can't imagine any 15 and 19 year old being thrilled by the idea. Ultimately it's your choice but I do think you need to ensure you're not lumbering them with any expectations of childcare.

It goes way beyond expecting them to baby sit. Having a baby/toddler is a lot of work. I assume OP is a little older given she has a 19 year old, it is way harder than when we all had the energy of being 20/30 something! OP will be knackered and the house will be bedlam right at the point her 15 year old needs her for support through stressful exams, teen angst etc.

Parenting the teens years are some of the most difficult and you need your wits about you, not be 1/2 asleep and distracted because you are a geriatric new mother.

Theluggage15 · 20/04/2023 08:48

Your poor children. All these people saying‘they’ll be gone soon’. Lots of children live at home for years now because they can’t afford to move out. The fact some people see their existing children as an impediment to their shiny new lives is awful. There are so many issues with blended families, often ignored by selfish adults unfortunately.

Weallgottachangesometime · 20/04/2023 08:48

I wish I hadn't asked now, these answers have made me feel terrible, although I had noticed from previous threads that MN is very against blended families.

But you did ask and you have received a range of views. It’s up to you at the end of the day isn’t it, but surely it is only sensible to consider all opinions and weight them up. I might not be nice hearing opinions that don’t align with your preferred outcome, but surely it’s good to hear them to consider them anyway- especially those from people who have been in your children’s shoes and had a much younger sibling.

Weallgottachangesometime · 20/04/2023 08:49

Theluggage15 · 20/04/2023 08:48

Your poor children. All these people saying‘they’ll be gone soon’. Lots of children live at home for years now because they can’t afford to move out. The fact some people see their existing children as an impediment to their shiny new lives is awful. There are so many issues with blended families, often ignored by selfish adults unfortunately.

I know! Most of the young adults I know are at home or return home, even if just for a short period, after uni. The housing market is crazy and rentals crazy. I don’t think you can assume your young adult child will be able to move out.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 20/04/2023 08:50

With out getting involved in some of the blatant homophobia on this post, I also think its a bad idea. I know the eldest in 19, so they won't be dependent on you for much longer. You said you are okay financially, but will you still be able to support your youngest dc possibly through uni, driving lessons etc. Will the new baby mean a bedroom reshuffle or sleepless nights when GCSE are being studied for? When you have a new baby that child must be your priority, so a teenager is bound to get their nose pushed out.

Ersorrywhatnow · 20/04/2023 08:51

'I wish I hadn't asked now, these answers have made me feel terrible, although I had noticed from previous threads that MN is very against blended families. '

Not as much as they;re against gay people having ( sorry i mean 'buying' ) babies!

You'll have to filter through the ' a baby's not an accessory' bullshit. Weirdly enough the same people don't object to straight couples using IVF in the same way they do to lesbians using a donor.

JaneFondue · 20/04/2023 08:51

Weallgottachangesometime · 20/04/2023 08:49

I know! Most of the young adults I know are at home or return home, even if just for a short period, after uni. The housing market is crazy and rentals crazy. I don’t think you can assume your young adult child will be able to move out.

Show quote history

Yep. They will be with you longer than previous generations.

I can't imagine how I would have felt at 15 if my mum suddenly added a new baby to the house.

Urghfedup · 20/04/2023 08:51

I’m just surprised that you’ve been together for five years and have only just started talking about children. In older relationships people tend to set their stall out early to avoid situations like this.
I think not having children would be unfair to your partner and having them would be unfair to your children. No one is going to be happy.

Noicant · 20/04/2023 08:51

You asked them and they said they don’t want that. Personally I wouldn’t have another as my existing DC are the priority rather than hypothetical kids. I’m not sure that step siblings etc are always a good thing for kids (even if they are older kids).

Realistically it is ofcourse up to you but now you have asked them they will be more upset if you go ahead and ignore their feelings.

Nothingisblackandwhite · 20/04/2023 08:52

I think you owe it at least to them to try and understand why . I had a child with my partner when my kids and his where older 19s 15 and 6 and we actually discussed this prior to trying . It might be irrational reasons or simply their ages etc but at least gives you a chance to understand.

Wheresthebeach · 20/04/2023 08:53

I'm not surprised - a baby will completely change everything for them. The noise of a baby and later, toddler is all encompassing. Gosh what an upheaval and they've been through quite a lot of change already. It will forever affect their lives. The age gap is very big - so they won't have anything in common to share.

For this even to be possible you must have had them very young...so twenty or late teens? Now you're thinking of a few years time, but if the oldest in 19 then that's in your 40's? Having a baby late in life if a very different experience.

Ersorrywhatnow · 20/04/2023 08:54

Mmm, my BIL has a 15 year gap between him and the next sibling. His parents didn't consult the 15, 17 and 19 year old about how they felt about a new sibling. But I can tell you although he obvs has a different relationship to his sibs than they do each other - he gets on better with them all for starters.
He was pretty much adored and now as adults they are all very close.

Noicant · 20/04/2023 08:55

Btw it’s not because I don’t think that you shouldn’t because you are a Lesbian, I would think the same if your partners was male.

redskylight · 20/04/2023 08:55

Ingrowncrotchhair · 20/04/2023 08:19

Ask them why they are objecting - if it‘s a reasonable concern (don’t want to be a default babysitter eg), reassure them you won’t. If it’s unreasonable (as pp said, ‘teenagers are embarrassed if mum is pregnant’), then talk to them but do proceed with having a baby.

And if the concern is "you'll have less time for me with a new baby" how exactly does OP reassure them? Because it's true.

if the concern is that the baby will cry and disturb them (particularly the younger child when studying for exams), how does OP reassure them? Will she put the baby in a soundproofed room.

The best thing for the teens is not to have a new sibling. This can't be "reassured" away.

(and yes, I'd say the same thing if they were a mixed sex couple. I know several families who have babies at the same time as teens. I don't know a single example where the teens haven't hated it, been put upon and/or been sidelined to some degree to support the baby.

Itakecreaminmycoffee · 20/04/2023 08:55

They'd probably be horrendously embarrassed - I know I would've been at that age.

Nothingisblackandwhite · 20/04/2023 08:56

My apologies I’ve seen you already spoke with them .. well if the age gap is their main reason then I would probably go ahead . I’m assuming your DW doesn’t have children so it’s probably very important .
I asked a few months ago if I was bribed silly fur wanting a 4th kid at 40 and all hell was thrown in me despite us having great conditions to one more so take sone of the nasty advice with a pinch of salt . Good luck

Ersorrywhatnow · 20/04/2023 08:56

'Most of the young adults I know are at home or return home, even if just for a short peri'od, after uni'

So? They'll return home for a bit with a toddler or young kid in the house. How long are they staying??
Personally speaking, I'm not going to be basing my life after the kids are adults on whether or not they want to live with me.

MyHouseOnTheHill · 20/04/2023 08:57

Ersorrywhatnow · 20/04/2023 08:51

'I wish I hadn't asked now, these answers have made me feel terrible, although I had noticed from previous threads that MN is very against blended families. '

Not as much as they;re against gay people having ( sorry i mean 'buying' ) babies!

You'll have to filter through the ' a baby's not an accessory' bullshit. Weirdly enough the same people don't object to straight couples using IVF in the same way they do to lesbians using a donor.

I don’t object to IVF if people are using their own eggs and sperm. I think using donor eggs and sperm is unethical for anyone.

If I see homophobia, I’ll report it, but being against anyone using a donor isn’t homophobic, at least that’s not my issue with it, I can’t speak for anyone else.

readbooksdrinktea · 20/04/2023 08:58

I wish I hadn't asked now, these answers have made me feel terrible, although I had noticed from previous threads that MN is very against blended families.

I mean, you can do it. But you should probably consider the children already here - and your relationship with them - as well as the as-yet hypothetical baby. The donor baby won't have a biological link to your existing children living in the home, nor will they know who their father is, I presume. It's not as simple as you and your DW wanting a child together.

Ersorrywhatnow · 20/04/2023 08:59

'And if the concern is "you'll have less time for me with a new baby" how exactly does OP reassure them? Because it's true.'

Genuinely curious, because my kids are 11 and 13, and they're already getting more and more independent with how they spend their time.
For those with kids aged around 19 and 15 ( and i guess they'll be 16 and 20 by the time a baby is born) HOW much time do they want to spend with their parents?

At 15 I lived in my room, at school or out with friends. At 19 I was a Uni and barely came home as I had a job. As the world changed that much in 20 years??

pickledandpuzzled · 20/04/2023 08:59

We considered adopting a baby we were looking after, when DC were 14 and 10. We all loved her dearly. But we knew that our DC would be left with a lifelong responsibility for her after we were gone, and didn't want that for them. She was likely to need lifelong care/support, and it seemed a huge thing to lay on them.