DC don't want me to have another child

[tornmum101]

background: 2 DC from previous relationship with a man. Now in same sex relationship (5+ years)

My DP and I would like to have a baby together using donor sperm in the next couple of years. Both DC make negative comments about this regularly.

would you still have another child? AIBU to do something my DC say they will hate?

Your colleague sounds confused. You won't judge her but her children will when they ask questions about daddy and where he is. She doesn't want to take responsibility for the choices she made. You give her too much credit you and your DW would make better parents than her anyday.

Jesus Christ it’s really very simple…. If a donor egg is used - the woman has no biological link to the child. It’s really straight forward to grasp.
Yes she’s the mum, she has PR but she has no shared biology. What is it you’re finding so difficult to understand???

Not sure why you find being a homophobic bigot so funny but hey 🤷🏻‍♀️.

@Ersorrywhatnow with ONS conceived children there are no laws preventing them from finding their biological father. With donor conceived children there is. Of course it’s probably a bit 😕 to find out your dad is Dave from the pub that mum played pool with a few times, but at least you can find out. I think it’s the not knowing that upsets a lot of donor conceived children (although isn’t the law about to change?)

The joke is you.

@Drfosters If a child from a previous relationship is 20+ years old by the point you are considering having another child there is still a valid argument to avoid having more both for existing DC and potential DC.

• If you have a child 20+ yrs old arguably you could be past the point of being able to reproduce, and have higher risk of disorders and developmental issues if you do.
• The impact on kids 20+ would be to take resources including emotional and financial support away from them and grandchildren.
• The impact on potential children is to bring them into a complex situation (blended family step siblings etc), with older parents. If you are 45 having a baby then you could be dead before they have graduated Uni or bought their first home. And also be likely to lump caring responsibilities onto them whenever they are in the midst of developing their careers/having young babies of their own when you develop dementia or have a stroke in 70s 👏👏👏🙄

A parent is the person looking after a child, loving them, caring for them. Thus forum is full of examples on just how irrelevant genetic relations are…. So the OP is the child’s parent, just as her wife is.
If they are able to keep the dialogue with the existing kids going (as it seems to according to her updates), they have a chance of making it work.
OP, keep the dialogue going, make sure both parents support all kids equally and you have a decent chance to create a beautiful slightly extended family. it won’t be easy, but when are kids ever easy :)

At least you are not ridiculous enough to say “ I’m not homophobic “
I think we all know how genetics work , why you had to point that out to the op as if 2 parents of the same sex where somewhat less than a heterosexual couple is the issue .
How can people have views as yours this day and age is beyond me

@Humanbiology Ronny Wood’s an arsehole. I saw a pic of him with wife at Paul O’Grady’s funeral and thought it was his granddaughter. Men are always selfish and prioritise their knob over their children. But then gold diggers who pander to their egos have something to do with it too. No time for him at all.

Yes, if the existing children were the ages of OP’s, for all the reasons already reiterated ad infinitum .

Thé sex of the two prospective parents is not the issue here ( although it would be foolish to pretend that the introduction of a third parent - the sperm donor aka father - doesn’t ad an extra layer of complication).

This is a great comment. A 5 year settled relationship is hardly rushing into things and the kids objections at the moment seem quite trivial. I'm sure everyone will adapt and potentially adore the new addition to the family.

Don’t let the opinion of a 15 year old on ANYTHING major in YOUR life hold
you back! We’re programmed to be selfish little arseholes at that age.

15 is a very vulnerable age. They can go massively off rails if their life is disrupted. Do you want to risk that?

You would have been better putting this in chat op.
For the hard of reading op has been in a 5 year relationship with her wife not a new one as has been quoted several times.
In your situation I would go ahead most teens who have very young siblings are absolutely grossed out by it but usually end up loving them.
How long do you put everybody else's wants above your own?
Good luck whatever you decide to do op 💐

Re. The adoption issue, you invariably find children saying as adults “oh I have such a great relationship with my adoptive parents, they gave me such a wonderful childhood with private school and a pony, but I have to find out who I really am”

So it turns out Sally Ann who gave them up at 16 is their mother or Bob who was a struggling student and resorted to the sperm bank is Dad…. There is a deep longing to find out the circumstances, to find people who look like them, biological siblings and health and social history.

That is the case whether gay or heterosexual and using donor or adopting a baby. They seek the truth as adults. Doesn’t discount all the parenting in between, but there’s the risk the relationship is usurped at a later stage or undermined.

Cynthia Nixon and her wife decided to have a baby with another gay couple (male), don’t know how they worked out whose egg and sperm would be used. But you see the little boy pictured with all four of his parents, so they’ve managed to have a baby without him losing his identity - he clearly knows he has a relationship with both biological parents while having an extra two. He’s surrounded by love, it’s lovely.

See this with heterosexual couples too; using a sister/brother/friend’s egg/sperm, and then the child has that security with the biological parent in their life rather than some banished unknown person.

I understand the points but anyone who has more than one child is taking resources away from that one. There are so many people of these forums with 3,4,5 or more children. How are they going to split their time and resources when in the most likelihood a lot of their grandkids are going to be close together in age. I know of grandparents who are constantly being pulled in different directions because of this and their children complaining their mum isn’t being fair with her time. I just don’t understand how the children being 15 years apart is worse than them being 5 years apart.

even without another baby there often will be step siblings and blended family issues. I am just struggling personally to equate that a new baby would make anything better or worse. Some step families don’t get on, some get on amazingly. some people knew good health when they are older, some don’t. Dealing in what ifs is fine but it can stop you living your life. I just feel if the OP is broody, her partner wants a baby of her own, her existing kids will come around and in any event will go off a live their own lives. Their mum will always be there but their mum will have a long time sitting in a quiet empty house twiddling her thumbs waiting to be of some need to them. (What if her children decide they don’t want children of their own for instance?). All she can deal with is the here and now and if she can reconcile the children’s longer term needs (not just their present ones) with her own then I think she should go for it.

ps if I had a baby at 45 I jolly well hope I am not dead before they graduate!! 😁

ONS conceived children there are no laws preventing them from finding their biological father. With donor conceived children there is.'

In the UK donor conceived children have the right to find out who their donor is when they turn 18.

'Jesus Christ it’s really very simple…. If a donor egg is used - the woman has no biological link to the child. It’s really straight forward to grasp.'

Doesn't make her any less of a parent though, does it?

@Drfosters as I said, and listed, before suitability of age differences and the number of children had depends on a myriad of circumstances.

In the circumstances of OP, maternal age, disinclination of existing DC, lifestage of existing DC (particularly education/career), circumstances of the origin of pregnancy, this could all feed into a complex situation that makes life difficult rather than a joy for everyone. So it would need delicate handling of current DC to make it work out - more time and attention spent on them now, delaying pregnancy until key exam periods are complete, concrete plans in place to support them with education and set up in life both emotionally and financially. With longterm financial budget set up so they do not lose out. Plans for how they all bond as a family - preplan what sort of activities/holidays to have together and division of responsibility to baby prior to pregnancy. That is what I would advise to ensure the healthiest outcome for all.

Re. Being dead before grad; one of my parents was and several friends parents also, and they had baby at circa 30! Worth thinking about.

When both of OP’s children have expressed that they’re opposed to her having another child, it’s difficult to see how having one wouldn’t worsen a situation.

Children don’t always ‘come round’, regardless of whether or not anyone else thinks they should. Yes, OP can absolutely go ahead if she wants to, knowing they’re against it, but in doing so she could easily damage or destroy her relationship with her existing children (and the relationships between her wife and her children, and her wife and herself). She doesn’t get to determine their reaction, so she has to decide whether she’s willing to accept a negative outcome.

Ranting about them being selfish and unfair won’t magically change their minds, and it won’t change the fact that OP will actually have to live with that. It’s up to her whether that’s acceptable to her or not.

I can totally understand why the OP's DC don't want another sibling at their ages. If there was a baby in the house, would the teenagers not be allowed to have parties or friends round until late in the evening because they would keep the baby awake?

The disruption a baby would cause has already been covered, but I found that my daughter needed me far more at 15 than she did when small. She had bullying and friendship issues to deal with, then GCSEs, AS levels, A levels, UCAS and boyfriend issues. I wouldn't have had the mental energy to support her if I had been caring for a new baby as well.

I think the OP did the right thing to take her DCs into consideration when deciding whether to expand the family.

If Op didn't want to take into consideration the views of the older children she should not have asked them.

They have said No, they don't want a sibling. They might never really view the child as a half-sibling anyway - it's my mums wives baby - even if mum is legally the second parent.

Op are you sure you want to go back to nappies and all the baby years?
Missing out on having an adult / more grown up relationship with your other children.

I have quite a few degrees , my comprehension is very good thank you . I just smell a bigot a mile away and you are one !

Honestly - you've just got massive blinkers on.

20 years down the line you'll be wondering what the hell you were playing at.

Embarrassing.

I was 16 when my little brother to a different father was born. My mother sadly didn't discuss her new relationship, whether we liked her new partner, whether we were comfortable with him moving in, or what we though about them starting their on family, with any of us existing children.

I was very resentful of my new baby brother, even though I loved him to bits. I spent more time looking after him than his father did. The main reason I was against them having children together was because I didn't like my mothers partner and knew that a baby would mean he was a permanent part of my life.

I left home when he was 5 or 6 years old and despite being close with him at the time, I rarely speak to him now as i've moved to a different country.

Reading the OP I must think that perhaps your children have some concerns about your DP, maybe they don't like her as much as you think, maybe they resent the new relationship and are acting happy in order to please you.

I'll never know what its like to enjoy the teenage years without having to change nappies, clean up after my baby brother, be quiet at all hours to not disturb sleeping baby etc etc which makes me sad (not that I regret my baby brother being born).
The whole experience made me feel that my mother had started a shiny new family and my siblings and I were discarded as we reminded her of our father.