DC don't want me to have another child

[tornmum101]

background: 2 DC from previous relationship with a man. Now in same sex relationship (5+ years)

My DP and I would like to have a baby together using donor sperm in the next couple of years. Both DC make negative comments about this regularly.

would you still have another child? AIBU to do something my DC say they will hate?

Excellent point.

Do you always take things so literally?

I know what I’d do if my kids needed me and that I’d be there for them. Not invest in further relationships or remarry and have other babies, no way.

What happens if they are 20, 30 or 40 years old?

That's fine and you have to remember they are not toddlers who needs lots of explanations. They will be okay and the op has posted that she has spoken to them again and they are fine. I think the op is over thinking it and the majority of posters are also over thinking it. It ain't that bad they will love their new sibling. I have 4 children and we are doing just fine.

Nothing wrong with that they will still be alive and in good health hopefully.

That's what you would do she ain't you is she.

I'm on another chat board - well it's now defunct, so I was on another board.

there was heartbroken poster whose dad got a new wife about 30 years younger than him, she got pregnant (planned) and he expected his 40ish daughter to be happy, to help with babysitting and for her children to be friends with the new baby, and asked her to help out if he died.

she didn't want to deal with any of it. I think every single poster completely understood her upset, who the hell wants a baby sibling at 40?

i cannot believe some of the comments on here!!!
go ahead OP, be happy.

What do you think of Ronny Wood he had a baby at 70 and his girlfriend was in her late 30's.

It's not something I have an opinion on
but if it affects other family members, I can see why they'd be upset. I think Ronnie Wood has enough money not to ask older siblings to babysit!

of course people can do this if they want but they've got to accept the consequences might include that other DC don't want to be involved.

I do have an opinion on the hamster - DC should be allowed one!

How old are you OP? Do you really want to start again after all this time?
If I had a 19 and 15 year old the last thing I would want is to start again at the baby stage.
You are just getting your life back. It's likely your children wouldn't have a relationship with your new child, They are both technically old enough to be parents themselves now.

Yes but my point being that once they are grown up with their own families, have they a right to dictate to you whether you can have further children or enter a new relationship? If they were 30 and said I need you mum, drop everything including your new relationship because you need to put me first, would that be reasonable?

in this instance, her eldest is 19, on the cusp of starting their adult life. Their sibling will follow only a few years later. They will move out and leave their mum and partner alone in the house. Now for loads of people this is a moment to rejoice and start a new phase of their life but for a lot of people this is a sad and depressing time and they are young enough to want the house to be filled with young children again. I totally understand that. I think you need to put your existing kids first, to an extent, but you also need to remember you are a woman first before you are a mum. The OP needs to think about the next couple of years, the next 5 years and then next 10 and work out what she want her life to look like

Again, just make it clear that you have no expectations of them in regard to responsibility for their sibling- unless they wish to be involved.

One of my friends married someone with three children from his first marriage and they ended up having two more children, then a surprise third baby.

Only one of the now adult children is interested in their younger siblings and makes a particular effort to see them; none of them are their guardians either. There’s no animosity, they’re just in their late 20’s-30 and at such different life stages.

As long as you accept that your older children may not be involved in your baby’s life, that’s fine.

@Drfosters You don't stop being a Parent when your child leaves home they will still need support in other ways. They may need emotional or financial support later on or babysitting duties with the grandchildren. That's the life you sign up to and no matter what you will always be a woman.

Same exactly the same. Second marriages mess your kids inheritance up. No doubt in my mind what is most important and it’s them.

So I’m assuming adopted children do not count as real children ?

‘You’re not “just like a father would be” at all. You will have absolutely no biological relation to this child. You’ll have parental responsibility but that’s it.’

and do you feel the same about adopted children? Their adopted parents aren’t parents at all but just have parental responsibility and ‘that’s it’ ?

or do you only hold these view for same sex families?

I didn’t say not she’s not a parent, I said she will have no biological relation to the child so it’s not the same as a father.
So yes, of course I think that other people with no biological relation to the child are also the same…… strange question.

Can you quote where I said “not real children” as I can’t seem to find it …… you know, seeing as how I never actually said that…..

But you think they are less since there is no biological link ? Or is your issue purely homophobia?

‘You’ll have parental responsibility but that’s it.’

this is the bit that seems to suggest that you don’t think OP will be an actual parent. Which is bullshit.
Not having a biological link to your child doesn’t mean you’ve got parental responsibility and ‘that’s it’

Unless you think that couple who e used a donor for fertility issues - either egg or sperm also aren’t anything but guardians of some sort then your post is clearly homophobic

I didn’t say not she’s not a parent, I said she will have no biological relation to the child so it’s not the same as a father. So yes, of course I think that other people with no biological relation to the child are also the same…… strange question.

So if a man adopts a child and says he's now a father, you would consider that to be a lie? Goodness.

You’re not the ‘real’ mother or father, or who’s ‘really’ the mum or it’s not the same as etc is something that gay parents hear all the time- often from the older generations, or religious people and sometimes just from fuckwits.

I had a colleague - 4 kids, 3 different dads single parent with only 1 of the dad’s involved with the kids - offer the opinion that she didn’t think it was fair that DW and I had chosen to have children without a father.

Not once have I ever commented on her situation, because it’s not my business and From what she says she didn’t deliberately choose to be in this situ, and actually I think she’s a pretty good mum.

But it did tick me off that she looked at me and DW, 20 years together, stable, financially comfortable, obvs thought long and hard about having children together, and went ‘mmm, no, that’s not right. Those poor kids’

Nice try 😂😂😂 8/10