DC don't want me to have another child

[tornmum101]

background: 2 DC from previous relationship with a man. Now in same sex relationship (5+ years)

My DP and I would like to have a baby together using donor sperm in the next couple of years. Both DC make negative comments about this regularly.

would you still have another child? AIBU to do something my DC say they will hate?

You’re not “just like a father would be” at all. You will have absolutely no biological relation to this child. You’ll have parental responsibility but that’s it.

@tornmum101 but the child will have a father. Will you be ignoring that fact? Will you be supporting them in the knowledge they won’t know who their father is?

You're going to do it regardless of what your children have said, I would guess, so I'm not sure why you asked anyone.

I dont think it's unusual to discuss extending a family with children particular in blended/step families.
This is a same sex couple. They don't have sperms of their own so clearly if one of the parents becomes pregnant it will pose questions for the children.

Put the kids you have first and listen to them.

This really shows me you haven’t thought through the complexities to be honest

I understand their perspective- I think I wouldn't have wanted my own parents to have another baby as a teen let alone with a new relationship.
At the end of the day it's up to you. You've asked them, they've been honest. I suppose you need to accept that it could potentially damage your relationship with your older children.

I think your children are being incredibly selfish however that's not unusual for 'children'. I suspect you've already decided anyway else why mention it.
Of course you could suggest that they give you a time line for when they plan on leaving home and you would be prepared to delay conception for 2 years! Or maybe ask them if they would prefer to live with their dad.
Have you also pointed out that your wife has shared her life with 2 'whole humans' for the past five years. That's shared a home and presumably finances.
I guess it's just a case of getting on with it and then letting the kids know when there's something to tell. Don't get drawn into debates about who's sleeping in which room or who is/isn't going to babysit....just like your wife didn't when she 'took on' your kids. Yes, you had a general discussion but I'm guessing the rest you took on trust. You're children need to have a bit of faith.

If you’re not the birth mother or the biological father then you’re kind of adopting the child. Maybe not a legal process if you’re married, but still. I guess it’s similar to a hetero couple who use donor sperm. Name can be put on the birth certificate as the father, but he’s not the bio dad. Surrogacy and gamete donation is a bit of a minefield.

It’s interesting you only focus on this part and not how a baby will impact your older dc. Plenty of posters have said to put them first. I don’t have anything against gay people. Love whoever you want - doesn’t concern me. However, I don’t think it’s a great idea for parents to have babies when they have teens or young adults.

From personal experience I would be cautious about such a big age gap. The younger one will
resent not being part of things that your older children experienced together. The older ones will resent being sidelined and being asked to help look after their younger sibling. I would put the needs of the children you do have before everything else at least until the youngest finishes school/ college especially if they are so against it.

@JudgeRudy Well, I would at least reassure them that they won’t be expected to take any responsibility for the baby. It doesn’t matter what the OP agreed with her DW about her two children, she was a mature adult who agreed to marry someone with kids. These two teenagers who really have no say in this situation.

I'm fully taking on board all comments about how this could impact my DC. I have actually spoken to my eldest DC today about this and they said they definitely hadn't thought the child wouldn't be their sibling. Their main worry seems to be they worry they wouldn't have a close relationship as they will be potentially leaving home when child is at primary school.

neither DC has any relationship with their father (father walked away) so I take on board they might feel pushed out by baby as their stepmum will have "her own" baby.

DW has no biological children.

What I'm not impressed with is people questioning whether DW and I have thought through the donor conception process, the rights and wrongs of that, how we will raise our child etc. That is nothing to do with what I asked, I don't need comments about that.

Yes I agree it's not always relavent what someone else has agreed to or done but it's not a bad idea to 'consider' some wider scenarios. Whilst I have some sympathy for the children (I'd hate it) it's not really their decision.

So their main worry has gone from stating they won’t love this new child to now concern they won’t have a close relationship it?

That’s some turn around!

Lots of posters on here call them selfish. Lots point out how the dynamic changes when a parent gets “another” family and their focus turns from their older children. Many lament the lack of consideration and say how hurt their children are when their father stops prioritising them and pours their attention and resources into a new baby.

No,I think it sounds like 2 aspects of the same worry.

What I'm not impressed with is people questioning whether DW and I have thought through the donor conception process, the rights and wrongs of that, how we will raise our child etc. That is nothing to do with what I asked, I don't need comments about that.

But that’s tied into the wider picture about the impact on your children. They won’t be biologically related to the baby, which of course has an impact in terms of their relationship with him or her. If DW was DH, they would have that genetic link which would make things more straightforward. I would hope as the only poster who has been in your children’s shoes, my posts illustrate why.

What I'm not impressed with is people questioning whether DW and I have thought through the donor conception process, the rights and wrongs of that, how we will raise our child etc. That is nothing to do with what I asked, I don't need comments about that.

It has everything to do with what you asked, though - it's all linked to your children and the impact it will have on them.

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer in this situation. But friends of mine who have a big age gap between children. Usually get so much attention from they're older siblings and are never short of babysitter's. One friend has 18 years between youngest and oldest. She helps out dropping her off at school and picking her up when she can. They absolutely love each other.

There is such a thing as co parenting as well. A gay male friend of mine has been looking into having a child this way.

I think that’s a fantastic idea. I understand the want to have your own biological child but I don’t think it should come at the expense of the baby knowing its mother/father and extended family or siblings

From the OP; they weren’t saying they were concerned they wouldn’t love it. They told her not to have another child and that they wouldn’t love it if she did. A statement as opposed to a concern.

What is wrong with you are you religious?

I am assuming it's your children if you have them that runs your household.

I’m not the one at risk of damaging my relationship with my 19 & 15yos. Im not the only poster that thinks this is a bad idea!