DC don't want me to have another child

[tornmum101]

background: 2 DC from previous relationship with a man. Now in same sex relationship (5+ years)

My DP and I would like to have a baby together using donor sperm in the next couple of years. Both DC make negative comments about this regularly.

would you still have another child? AIBU to do something my DC say they will hate?

@ModestMoon and if you are going through adoption there are many processes to go through and impact on current family will be taken into account

But really I think it's up to you two, not them. I wouldn't have asked them. If it's your DW's only chance to be a parent then it's not really fair on her for two kids to decide.

It's absolutely not fair for the 2 children to decide.
The adults in the family should have consider seriously the impacts on the the family as a whole, and particularly the already existing children if they have a baby.
Not just decide they want a baby and go ahead regardless.

Honestly, no I wouldn't

Presumably with adoption the whole family would be interviewed to determine whether it was able to meet the needs of a child, and two family members living in the same house that were vehemently against it would prevent an adoption from happening.

OP and her wife absolutely can go ahead without the support of her existing children. What she doesn’t have a say over if how her existing children react to it, and what the consequences of that would be to their relationship going forward.

there are lots of things to consider. What if they go ahead and the children are true to their word, rejecting the baby as a sibling and refusing to have anything to do with it? That could easily lead to a breakdown in not just the relationship between OP and her kids, but the kids and her wife, and between OP and her wife. What if the wife decides, as a result, that she doesn’t want her baby to interact or live with the older kids? What would that mean for OP?

Don't do it op. Enjoy your relationship. Travel. Experience news things together, have fun and then maybe in a few years enjoy being a grandparent.

@toomuchlaundry and @whumpthereitis I totally agree with you: when adopting the kids' objections would be taken into account. That wasn't my point. My point was that whether the baby is biologically related to the OP and her existing children is irrelevant to the problems that @whumpthereitis describes. If they used OP's eggs, then that would not resolve the problem of the older children potentially rejecting the new baby, and how that might impact the OP's wife, and the relationships of everyone in the family.

The points about the kids not being biologically related casuing particular problems smack of homophobia. It's implying that the OP would somehow be "less" of a mum to the new baby than her DW would be, which is absolute garbage. A few people upthread said nasty things like 'the new baby would be a step-sibling, not a half-sibling'. Also homophobic. The OP and her DW would both equally be mums to the new baby, and the OP's DC would be half-siblings to the new baby. It's like people cannot comprehend that two mums means two parents, it doesn't mean 'one real mum' and 'one pretend mum'.

Here's another way to think about it: lots of people assume that if the DW decided to leave, she would take the child with her. Why assume this? When wives leave men, they do not have permission to just whisk away shared children. Just because the woman gave birth, does not mean that the man loses parental rights on divorce. They negotiate a split (nowadays increasingly 50:50). Perhaps if DW were also the primary caregiver, then she might nave grounds to be the resident parent. But the OP would still be the child's mum and would have the same right to access.

@Robinni You make a good argument there is nothing I disagree with in your post.

Just to give another perspective -my parents divorced when I was 5. My mum remarried a few years later but it was biologically impossible for to have more kids (I have an older sibling) and my dad didn’t remarry until about 20 years later. I have (good naturedly ) lamented to them that I must be the only child whose parents remarried who didn’t get any more siblings. I would have loved it! I feel short changed!! I wouldn’t have cared what age I would have been.

@Drfosters I think you might have cared when faced with siblings who less united would have been more likely to argue with you.

And when resources (bday/Xmas presents/Uni/marriage/house money) and inheritance were cut in half or more… then you literally would have been short changed!!

It’s all very nice and idyllic thinking oh a little baby, how lovely, but then they grow up and need things.

Even if you aren’t the resentful sibling, there will be one somewhere. Though this can be the case ordinarily too…

Have two sets of friends in divorce currently and in both instances enquiries regarding future relationships have been made ie if you are going to have more sprogs in future limiting maintenance and inheritance then I want more money right now for existing kids…

@ModestMoon as an adopted person I would have concerns about the new baby not knowing who the father is, that has to be an important consideration here, but doesn't seem to be being addressed. Like it or not, this does need to be addressed, it is not as simple as 2 parents having a child together, there is an additional person involved.

Posters on here don’t want to listen to lived experiences like us. They find it too uncomfortable so settle for ‘love is all you need’ and accusations of bigotry against anyone who disagrees. Because it’s not their family or their parents they’re happy to virtue signal and make out they would be all cool and philosophical about it.

They wouldn’t be.

Isn’t that the case with anyone with more than one sibling? Is there a particular age gap when it is ok to have another child but not when you get past it? Why does anyone ever have any more than one child is siblings are going to be resentful? I have friends with ten years between children and they get on great. I know a few families where they have blended families with big age gaps and all get on fine. They have big family getogethers without any issues.

Honestly I would have loved it. I love kids and did when I was younger. Since I want my parents to live to 150, inheritance is not something I dwelled on ever but Any event I have made my parents both disinherit me in favour of my children so not relying on any money coming in. If it got shared more, it got shared.

I am very close to my parents and my sibling (who I honestly would have gone with the flow of we’d have any another sibling) and so wouldn’t have had any issue with it. I’d have been the person showing the baby off to all my mates! I used to babysit for the neighbours most Friday and Saturday nights from age 15 to 18 to earn extra cash anyway so I’d have done it for my parents (and they absolutely would have paid me).

it is just another perspective that is isn’t all doom and gloom.

Your children are 15 and 19.

Your OP says you want a baby in the next couple of years.

Can you afford to wait, biologically speaking, so that the baby would be born after your DC2 has done A levels and is off to uni or further training? I think this would make things a fair bit easier on everyone. Having a new - and from their perspective unwanted - baby during their GCSEs and A levels is far from ideal.

Also, you are going to have to say yes to the hamster!! I can’t see any arguments against a hamster that wouldn’t apply multiple times over to a baby…

Most people understand that life is not perfect and one size does not fit all

You would have loved it, but they’re not you. They’ve made themselves quite clear that they’re totally opposed to this.

That isn’t to say OP can’t go ahead if she wants to, she obviously can. What she needs to consider is whether she’s willing to accept the likely outcome of doing so.

@Drfosters well yes, I did say that you can get that resentment ordinarily. But could expect it to be quite full on here as both DC have voiced they don’t want a sibling. They’ll not be related to the baby and will probably be pretty pissed off to see thousands being spent on bugaboos and mamas and papas, just at the point their friends are being bought driving lessons, cars, flat deposits, Uni fees etc. Never mind exam periods would be totally disrupted if pregnancy goes ahead very soon.

It’s a blessing to have someone on here write in such a positive and cheery manner. However, sorry to say it is all conjecture, imaginary; I would have been, I would have loved. You’ve no actual experience of it. And you haven’t lost either parent so you haven’t a clue quite what it’s like when things are divided - whether that is between you and sibling or the grandchildren.

I think Op can go ahead and have another baby if it is what she wants, but timing and preplanning to manage all of the kids emotions is key. Already red flags as feathers ruffled preconception!

I am also pro hamster 🐹

I get that- I was just showing there is another perspective

but honestly what is the maximum allowable age gap between children before resentment starts?

Is this aimed at me? I clearly said that I don't think the OP should go ahead with a baby if her teenagers are serious about disagreeing. I also said that she will have to consider whether her DW is desperate to be a mum, if she doesn't have any children yet.

What I don't agree with is that the OP wouldn't be the baby's mum. Since you don't know me, you can't possibly know that I wouldn't go this route if I were married to a woman or had fertility problems. I don't see how getting assistance in expanding your family is "cool and philosophical". You also can't possibly know that I don't have gay parents, for that matter.

@Drfosters I don’t know, it can depend on a myriad of things.

Whether baby is related/from same partnership as existing DC came from, the history of the relationship between parent/s and child, surrounding issues, life stage of existing DC, additional family support such as grandparents, availability of resources - money, time, space in house, health of parents and existing DC ie will DC find it super hard to cope, will they have additional caring responsibilities.

There’s no predefined magic formula.

All people have said in this case is that it looks a bit ropey and care is needed, particularly with regard to the educational needs of the teens which are at a crucial point.

Why not confirm your situation then? It is relevant given you’re implying you have first hand experience of all this? All this ‘you don’t know that I don’t XYZ’ is just attention seeking, if you are in the same situation just say so.

I would listen to their reasons. You need to ensure you wasn't another child for you and not to please your new dp. My dd told me if I had another dc she didn't want anything to do with it (I wasn't planning on doing so but existing children do have opinions). Remember a new baby does affect them. If after listening and checking your reasoning you still want to go ahead then good luck, but ensure you really want the nappy stage again

Young adults still really need their parents because late teens/early 20s is a crazy new chapter in their lives.

I agree with @CoffeeBean5 , my two
(nearly 18 and 14) need me more now than they did say five years ago as it’s a time of immense change in their lives.

As PP’s have suggested, could you at least wait until your youngest has finished her GCSE’s or even A-Levels if she’s planning to do them? Trying to do coursework/revise will be difficult with baby in the house.

Also reassure your children that they won’t be expected to take any responsibility for the baby-if they decide that they’d like to babysit in the future, for example, fair enough, but you have no expectations that they’ll help out.

Also assure them that other people will be asked to act as the baby’s guardians in the event that something happens to you and DW.

It may be that they end up adoring their sibling, but don’t ask them to take on any responsibility at this stage in their lives, it’s not fair.

I was wondering which of the "they aren't even related to the new baby" posts to quote, but it has to be this one. I am a married woman. I am not adopting the baby, I will be the legal second parent on the childs birth certificate, just like a father would be.

Luckily my children are wonderful and far more open minded than some of MN seem to be, neither of them have had bullying issues regarding my sexuality, both have lots of gay/bi friends and neither of them has ever said the child won't be their sibling, they understand I will be just as much Mum to any new baby as DW.

Can you see what people are saying about the timing of this with your 15 year old's most crucial exam years coming up?

It will definitely have a huge impact on them trying to study with a newborn and later toddler in the home.