DC don't want me to have another child

[tornmum101]

background: 2 DC from previous relationship with a man. Now in same sex relationship (5+ years)

My DP and I would like to have a baby together using donor sperm in the next couple of years. Both DC make negative comments about this regularly.

would you still have another child? AIBU to do something my DC say they will hate?

is OP a man?

Donor Sperm would usually indicate lesbians rather than gay men.

Sorry should have typed “she” and “hers”

There is also racism, sexism and also like you said homophobia in schools. Does that mean the world should stop pushing and creating a better world?

Then not only are you rude but your likely going to have a very shitty relationship with your kids and future grandkids.

Perhaps. Families tend to be different in different cultures. The MN way is not the only way to parent. Families from other parts of the world tend to put education above all else. Because it's our only way up.

Is that why your DD is still at home at 22?

My daughter is at uni but that doesn't mean she has left home I still support her.

I dont really understand your post but my DD is studying. And uni housing is super expensive, therefore at home. She is not pregnant.

what were their reasons for not wanting you to have a baby. I say go for it because they’re old enough and they’ll have left grown up/ home in a few years anyway and they don’t need your attention anymore

They know they this kid is very likely to be their responsibility in the near future.

Do you want a baby because you want one or to give your partner a baby? 19 years is a crazy age gap so bonding will be hard and no guarantee they’ll bond.

I was one of a bunch of siblings who got a baby sibling when we were in our teens, then another one came along. It was awful. We were expected to be quiet, not allowed to bring our mates round, our parents never had time for looking over our study plans, we had to babysit and take the littlies for walks and their washing was prioritised in that we had to always always check there was nothing for the littlies before we bunged on our Pepe Jeans knock offs.

Me and my older sibs don't really have a relationship with the younger two, we see them maybe twice a year at the most. The pair are tight, that is nice for them, but they are pretty much strangers to the older gang.

By the time they had stopped squalling and tanty-ing we were one by one off into adult life - Uni, work, armed services etc - and so close contact ended when the littlies were between about 3 and 8 years old.

What a long ramble!

In my opinion, whether it's a new relationship or not, it's nor appropriate to have a baby when you have late teens. I would be horrified to have a new sibling at that age.

Oh, goodness OP, perfectly reasonable to discuss this.

Totally understandable that your DW wants her ‘own’ child. And that you would want to do that with her.

Also totally understandable that your children would have feelings / insecurities around it. Even the 19 yo. Will the new baby supplant them, will you still feel like their Mum, will you be prioritising another woman’s baby, how will they feel about a sibling that lives with both parents while their family was split, etc etc. These are all valid feelings to have even if the reasonable rational answer is ‘of course you have the right to be happy to have a second family with your DW’.

Can you take them off on a day trip and gently discuss how they feel?

I think it is reasonable to consider whether you have the means to support more through Uni etc as your 15 yo has still to go.

Also, though I wish you the very best of luck with whatever route forward you choose, do explore all feelings around pg by donor. It did cause unexpected emotional reactions in both partners in my friends family, and their Dc too. Not saying this can’t be navigated, obviously it can and many people have been made very happy, but it can bring unexpected things to think about.

You are all family, your D.C., your DW, you love them all, of course you are sensitive to everyone’s feelings.

Don't you trust your daughter?

@SherlieXOXO You can start your own thread and talk about what you went through. I am happy to read that you are now at the healing stage. 💐

So you've expected your children to just accept their mum is a lesbian and in a lesbian relationship (not the norm) and now you're just expecting them to get on board with you buying sperm to have a baby with a woman? (again not the norm)

19 and 15 - are your baby days surely not done?

Feel really sorry for them!

Why do you want a baby? They're not accessories.

Why is it that you would like to have a baby? Does your DW have any chidlren, or is this her only shot? If she really wants to be a mum and isn't one already I can see why having two SDC who she met at 10 and 14 doesn't exactly fulfil that need for her own child. How old is she - is waiting 3 years for youngest to be more independent an option?

If your DW isn't too bothered or she already has DC, I personally would leave it. exam years are hard on teens, a baby and toddler will really make it tough. Also in a few years' time you might find you need to help out your adult DC, while also running around after a pre-schooler.

You and your wife's reproductive choices are not up to your DC. It's not their decision to make.

Having read through more, the comments about homophobia at school being a reason not to have a child are genuinely appalling. What are you all on about? Should a white woman married to a black man think twice about having children in case they get racist abuse? Should a disabled couple worry about having chidlren in case ableism means their children are targeted? Genuinely terrible comments.

The only issue that the OP needs to consider is whether this is right given her responsibility to her teenager, not for any other reason.

@Humanbiology Of course the world shouldn’t stop pushing for a better world.

What I’m saying is Op and partner need to seriously consider whether they can cope with meeting the emotional needs of their existing and potential children and to develop active strategies for keeping the family strong, happy and healthy.

Two existing have already probably gone through, and will continue to go through, issues due to the separation of parents and having mother in a lesbian relationship. The potential child will have issues due to not knowing who their father is, alienation from siblings as not biological, bullying due to the nature of their birth and gay parents.

It is all very well to want the world to be a better place. But you have to be realistic and practical to protect children and give them resilience against discrimination and abuse from other people. It is very wrong that people will give the children a hard time. But you can’t totally prevent it, so it needs to be a consideration in how OP and her wife manage this situation.

Pushing for a better world is one thing by grown adults who are adequately developed to be able to articulate their arguments, defend themselves and have confidence in who they are. Quite another matter for children growing up, who do not pop out of the womb as gay rights campaigners and will be actively bullied. Support of some description will be needed.

There is nothing wrong with you both having a baby. Lots of homophobia on this thread.
But i totally understand why your teenagers do not want you to have a baby. Babies take up loads of time and money and will leave very little for them. They aren't daft, they know you won't have as much time or money to give to them.

Also, all of this "the child won't be a blood relative" comments - so what?? If a mum adopts a one year old and then three years later adopts another one year old, they are her children and each others' siblings. You all might very well have family and friends who are not biologically related to their own children due to infertility, close (heterosexual, if it matters,.....) family members of mine for example used sperm donation because of infertility. Would be weird to suggest that their dad is not their dad. Honetsly it just smacks of homophobia. Well done geniuses, you've worked out that if two women have a baby, only one will be bioloigcally related... so what.

Your 15 year old's most crucial exam years will be impacted by a baby, then toddler, being in the house. Especially during the baby times. If the baby is a bad sleeper, it could have a hugely detrimental effect on your 15 year old's exams.

In fact timing wise, I would say having a baby in the next 2-3 years is just about the worst timing possible when it comes to the potential negative impact on her:

Blimey, a two-Mum family in our S London state school wouldn’t have raised half an eye brow. I know 3 sets of same sex parents (2x female, 1 x male who adopted) and none experienced homophobia from other parents or kids in school. Other issues, yes, but due to older adoption, and in one family an unexpected reaction of one of them to anonymous donor , but not homophobia.

Bang to rights on the hamster - that's a great comment!

But really I think it's up to you two, not them. I wouldn't have asked them. If it's your DW's only chance to be a parent then it's not really fair on her for two kids to decide.

One of my parents had another set of children when we were around your kids' ages (though the non-resident parent)(We didn't get asked and wouldn't have expected to be). I think it's probably kept them young, though it seems an awfully long time to be responsible for small kids. Not at all sure I'd want to do it.