DC don't want me to have another child

[tornmum101]

background: 2 DC from previous relationship with a man. Now in same sex relationship (5+ years)

My DP and I would like to have a baby together using donor sperm in the next couple of years. Both DC make negative comments about this regularly.

would you still have another child? AIBU to do something my DC say they will hate?

I don’t think one 8 year old is a great yardstick for the sort of attitudes you encounter as the child in this scenario.

Kids are also ‘taught’ that drugs are bad and not to have sex before 16, they may nod along and say they agree but how they behave around friends and when adults aren’t there can be completely different.

Kids can essentially be very nasty and immature. Pretending otherwise or saying ‘but they shouldn’t be’ doesn’t change reality sadly.

Because it's none of your business that's why you won't get into it.

Human have a day off

It’s not selfish, it’s bringing a much wanted child into a family with 2 loving supportive and financially stable parents who want them. Which is a lot more than can be said for many families. One of your children is an adult and can’t dictate your reproductive choices anymore then you can dictate theirs. Personally if you can wait for your second child to be through education then I would as I can see that a new baby to a teenager isn’t a thrilling prospect.

Over anything you could have a spot on your nose and they would have something to say but does that mean people should stop living their lives?

Should that spot be removed?

why would a 15 year old be "leaving home soon"? In fact, why would the 19 year old be expected to leave? Are you going to kick your three eldest out to make room for another kid? Not everyone has a baby for lack of anything else to do with their time, either.

Don't like the truth😂

@Humanbiology I totally disagree with this. In the playground I’ve heard friends kids (sons predominantly) be called a fruit, a poof, told uuugh you’re going to grow up and marry a boy, aren’t you disgusting etc etc all because of slightly feminine behaviour and/or high pitched voices. Whether or not they actually are gay remains to be seen, but they are being targeted by bullies at 6/7/8 because they are perceived to be.

This is in 2023 in a supposed liberal country. Language from a bunch of young primary school kids. I can only imagine teens are a hell of a lot worse.

Yes things are better than say 30-40yrs ago in terms of acceptance and people behaving decently. But there is no way that there aren’t homophobic kids in school - their parents are teaching them to be that way. And you won’t find LGBTQ classes in faith schools either.

A spot isn’t a child, who is a sentient being with feelings?

My two eldest are studying towards becoming a chiropractor and hairdresser they can live with me as long as they want to.

If you can, please just don't.

I thought we were talking about school bullies. My daughter suffered racism at school a group of girls were calling out the n word.

People have children in new relationships all the time, but the responses here seem particulary vehement and I'm hoping it's not because it's a same-sex relationship.

because her wife likely doesn't have testicles.

@SoupDragon and if they were going to adopt a child there would be a lot more discussion going on and with outside agencies

what were their reasons for not wanting you to have a baby. I say go for it because they’re old enough and they’ll have left grown up/ home in a few years anyway and they don’t need your attention anymore

Coffeeandbourbons, donor sperm doesn't have to mean unknown father. I conceived via donor sperm, and dc's father is a highly involved dad. I also adopted, and there of course we have had major issues helping dc resolve feelings about a family she cannot know.

These issues are really complex, and non-traditional families need to give them a lot of thought. Note I didn't express an opinion on whether OP should have another child, and I'm surprised so many here have such certainty about whether she should.

I had my kids late in life because it took me so long to work through these issues, and because so many avenues to parenthood were blocked by homophobia. My kids (now nearly adults) are fantastic. We have of course had some problems as a family, but I have to say they weren't the ones I (or others) were anticipating.

It really isn't. I am all over the board advising pp not to have a 3rd child after a long gap!

But also a lot of posters say " Has the world changed so much since so much since I left home at 18 and never returned."

Yes. The world has changed. Beyond recognition. My DD is still at home at 22.

aargh sorry for the typos!

No one gets a say in YOUR reproduction.

Same way you have no power or say in your children future reproduction.

I know children are inherently selfish because they are still developing to understand the world doesn't exist purely for them so get a pass but full grown adults debating this is bizarre... it's really not a hard concept.

I’m too old now but at say 40 having reared 4 boys I would have been horrified at the idea of having more. I understand a new couple wanting to have a child together but if he cannot father a child it wouldn’t be his anyway. However it’s no business of your adult children wether you do or don’t.

‘My son is 8 and he is taught that there are mummy and mummy, daddy and daddy and mummy and daddy. Don't worry kids are being taught not to be homophobic today.’

Nice though that is, this thread - and many more like it- show that there’s a lot more to it that telling a kid rainbow families exist.

the charity Just Like Us published a survey saying half of young LGBTQ+ adults are estranged from at least one close family member because of their sexuality. I was surprised that it was only 50%.

in our circles DW and I are very usual in having both our families supportive of us and our kids. They still have moments though, when DW family came to our city for our wedding they didn’t tell most friends or colleagues that they were coming for our wedding. They said it was just a holiday.

2 friends of ours just got married after more than 20 years together, one groom didn’t tell his parents. His siblings knew and came to wedding but no-one else. His parents, grandparents and extended family think he’s a ‘confirmed’ bachelor.

It really isn't. I am all over the board advising pp not to have a 3rd child after a long gap!

That's fair enough. As I mentioned earlier though it was a positive in the family I grew up in.

Yes actually I would advise my DC about their future reproduction. They might not take it but if my DD got pregnant in uni, I would have something to say about that.

@Ketzele but most of the time it does mean an unknown father doesn’t it? Your arrangement isn’t really ‘donor sperm’ per se as it’s not really ‘donating’ if they plan to be a father to the child. My DH didn’t ‘donate’ his sperm to me. Your adopted child illustrates that not knowing your father or genetic background is problematic and scarring.