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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC don't want me to have another child

552 replies

tornmum101 · 19/04/2023 23:39

background: 2 DC from previous relationship with a man. Now in same sex relationship (5+ years)

My DP and I would like to have a baby together using donor sperm in the next couple of years. Both DC make negative comments about this regularly.

would you still have another child? AIBU to do something my DC say they will hate?

OP posts:
Ersorrywhatnow · 20/04/2023 10:13

‘Family therapy is maybe a bit far’

A bit far? I do hope OP is able to wade through the homophobia and prejudice on this thread to find something useful.
We gays are used to straight people wanting us to follow different or more ‘rules’ before we can have what they have but we’re very good a just ignoring them usually.

cadburyegg · 20/04/2023 10:13

That is a hard age. I wouldn't do it tbh, but then I'm a single parent and won't be blending my family

drpet49 · 20/04/2023 10:14

Sloop89 · 20/04/2023 09:48

If the DW is going to carry the baby then this new baby will not even be a half sibling but a step sibling. It's sort of the triple lutz of blended familydom to manage to have a step sibling that is born after the step parent is married into the family. It's a fairly complex setup. Maybe get some counselling first and really talk it through with a family therapist? I do think you risk alienating your biological children.

This. They won’t even be related at all.

Coffeeandbourbons · 20/04/2023 10:15

Ersorrywhatnow · 20/04/2023 10:13

‘Family therapy is maybe a bit far’

A bit far? I do hope OP is able to wade through the homophobia and prejudice on this thread to find something useful.
We gays are used to straight people wanting us to follow different or more ‘rules’ before we can have what they have but we’re very good a just ignoring them usually.

I can’t see anything homophobic. I’m certainly not homophobic. But my experience as a child of somebody who entered a same sex relationship then had a baby via sperm donor is overwhelmingly negative, for reasons that wouldn’t be applicable had she and my dad had a ‘whoopsy’ baby. Are your parents together? Did you grow up in a conventional family?

awaynboilyurheid · 20/04/2023 10:16

Mariposista · 20/04/2023 00:34

Most 19/15 year olds want their mum to be focussed on helping them with their A Level/uni/job options, not changing nappies and making up bottles.

This, it might be unpopular on here but I agree.

SoupDragon · 20/04/2023 10:18

drpet49 · 20/04/2023 10:14

This. They won’t even be related at all.

Show quote history

No different to an adopted sibling.

Humanbiology · 20/04/2023 10:18

Op go for it your children are 15 and 19 they will be leaving soon. I see no problem with you and your DW having a baby together if that's what you both want. I buried my mother last week she was only 65 life is too short. If you have more love to give then go for it and bring up another bundle of joy into the world.

Robinni · 20/04/2023 10:19

Ersorrywhatnow · 20/04/2023 10:13

‘Family therapy is maybe a bit far’

A bit far? I do hope OP is able to wade through the homophobia and prejudice on this thread to find something useful.
We gays are used to straight people wanting us to follow different or more ‘rules’ before we can have what they have but we’re very good a just ignoring them usually.

There’s no way anyone should have to follow different rules.

But to ignore that DC will feel differently about a baby not biologically related and to ignore that homophobia exists, and that children have to deal with it too, is to store up problems for the whole family.

Better to address the potential problems in any situation and try and troubleshoot ahead of time so that everyone is healthy and happy.

As I said I don’t know if something like therapy is the answer, but something to bring the whole family together so they remain a tight unit would be good for OP so the relationship with her biological children remains intact.

Humanbiology · 20/04/2023 10:20

awaynboilyurheid · 20/04/2023 10:16

This, it might be unpopular on here but I agree.

Show quote history

They are leaving home soon should she start knitting instead? My kids are 19, 17, 14 and 8 and I want one more too.

ladykale · 20/04/2023 10:20

mydogisthebest · 20/04/2023 07:25

Why do so many women feel the need to have a baby with every new partner? You have 2 children who are almost grown up why on earth would you even want to have a baby now?

Selfish

This is what I never get, but maybe it's different because her partner has no children?

CoffeeBean5 · 20/04/2023 10:21

Ersorrywhatnow · 20/04/2023 09:16

‘Op I also think you need to be prepared for them to feel that the baby is not a sibling...there is no biological link, and the father will be unknown. ‘

oh do take a hike with this kind of comment.
You’d say the same about people who adopt kids? They aren’t REALLY their children? They aren’t REALLY your brother or sister?

What about my kids? Are they not REALLY my wife’s children because I have birth to them? Is that how it works? Or is being a family and a parent and a sibling about more than genetics.
FFS.

OP - sorry but MN really is the worst place to ask about anything that relates to you being in a same-sex relationship. I’ve had the most basic convos that have nothing to do with my sexuality that get derailed by my having a DW and not a DH.

They are technically your wife’s adopted children (as they aren’t hers biologically) and adopted parents are still parents. The majority of people in this thread have said they would be against having another child when the existing children are teens and young adults. The donor sperm (whether in a homosexual or heterosexual relationship) adds an extra layer of complexity.

@tornmum101 needs to put her existing children first. People don’t leave home at 18 nowadays. Even if they go Uni, they still come home when term is over. There aren’t many affordable houses on the market and most of their salary will go on rent so they won’t be able to save for a house.

Furthermore, the 15yo will be doing her GCSEs and A Levels whilst a screaming baby she’s not even related to is disturbing her day and night. Also, her mum will be solely focused on her new adopted baby. Teens and young adults need support too, but she’ll be sidelined.

Humanbiology · 20/04/2023 10:22

Robinni · 20/04/2023 10:19

There’s no way anyone should have to follow different rules.

But to ignore that DC will feel differently about a baby not biologically related and to ignore that homophobia exists, and that children have to deal with it too, is to store up problems for the whole family.

Better to address the potential problems in any situation and try and troubleshoot ahead of time so that everyone is healthy and happy.

As I said I don’t know if something like therapy is the answer, but something to bring the whole family together so they remain a tight unit would be good for OP so the relationship with her biological children remains intact.

Show quote history

My son is 8 and he is taught that there are mummy and mummy, daddy and daddy and mummy and daddy. Don't worry kids are being taught not to be homophobic today.

ladykale · 20/04/2023 10:22

BritInAus · 20/04/2023 07:36

Some posters aren't doing a great job of trying to disguise homophobia.

if this baby was a 'happy surprise' later in life when OP had remarried a man, would the comments be the same?

Yes

Happy surprise different as it requires active steps to end

This is planned and the child will have no blood relation to them. For example, if their mum split with her partner, it's v unlikely that this child would be in their life much at all

JaneFondue · 20/04/2023 10:22

Humanbiology · 20/04/2023 10:20

They are leaving home soon should she start knitting instead? My kids are 19, 17, 14 and 8 and I want one more too.

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There are literally a million things to do with your life other than have kids or knit.
Hare on the partner perhaps. But better than being hard on the DC.

FrostyFifi · 20/04/2023 10:22

OP my siblings were 14 and 16 when I was born and were horrified at the time. We are now very close, in fact I'm closer to both of them than they are to each other.
We do share both parents though.

Irritateandunreasonable · 20/04/2023 10:23

HeddaGarbled · 20/04/2023 00:09

My DP and I would like to have a baby together using donor sperm in the next couple of years

Why?

It’s a bit ‘buy a baby’ as an accessory to the new relationship, isn’t it?

Wow.

Sugarfree23 · 20/04/2023 10:23

The issue is now you have asked them you either accept what they have said, or you completely ignore their views that you asked for. Only you can decide if you really want another child in your life.

But you also have to consider your DW will she hang around if she can't have a baby of her own?

Humanbiology · 20/04/2023 10:24

JaneFondue · 20/04/2023 10:22

There are literally a million things to do with your life other than have kids or knit.
Hare on the partner perhaps. But better than being hard on the DC.

Show quote history

Who are you???????

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 20/04/2023 10:24

Sorry, but children don't get to choose whether you have another baby or not.

awaynboilyurheid · 20/04/2023 10:26

Humanbiology · 20/04/2023 10:20

They are leaving home soon should she start knitting instead? My kids are 19, 17, 14 and 8 and I want one more too.

Show quote history

I never mentioned knitting?

museumum · 20/04/2023 10:26

I would definitely not want to share a home with a baby at 19. Whether half sibling, full sibling or even offspring, at 19 I definitely wouldn't have wanted one in the house.
I can't tell you what to do, but I do not think you should be surprised that they don't want a baby in the house.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 20/04/2023 10:27

Your existing children should be listened to, as they matter more than an as-yet hypothetical baby.
I read a lot of Ancestry stuff in FB and knowing their parentage is very, very important to people. Not even knowing their father's name could have a big impact on the new dch's feelings of acceptance in the world. I'm really sorry, but considering all the other good points that other posters have made, I think you're being a bit selfish.

Humanbiology · 20/04/2023 10:28

awaynboilyurheid · 20/04/2023 10:26

I never mentioned knitting?

Show quote history

Is that all you got from my post.

mainsfed · 20/04/2023 10:28

MyHouseOnTheHill · 20/04/2023 09:28

But she is buying sperm. It’s slightly better than surrogacy which is truly buying a baby as at least the baby won’t be taken away from their mother. So erm donors are still unethical to a lot of people though. They have empathy for the child. But of course it’s all about what the adults want. 🙄

Show quote history

Why is it more ethical to have a baby via sex? Do you also find IVF unethical?

awaynboilyurheid · 20/04/2023 10:28

Humanbiology · 20/04/2023 10:28

Is that all you got from my post.

Show quote history

Oh No loads more but I’m not going to go into it.