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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not trust DH to not shout at me again

108 replies

LaMaG · 18/04/2023 23:29

My DH is a bit stressed these days (as am I) for a million reasons but particularly cos of some behaviour problems with our teenage son. I could write a book about it but let's just say he is extremely argumentative. I have many times begged DH to not shout back or engage in aggressive talk, partly cos I can see it makes everything worse but also on advice of a number of psychologists. Yet he always shouts back and has to have the final word. If I intervene the anger can turn towards me. Recently we had a family dinner at in laws and my son started rising my DH, bringing up something he was asked to not mention in front of gran. This was done intentionally to cause a stir, this is what he does. Anyhow shortly after I unintentionally cut across DH, and he let rip, shouting at me in front of everyone saying how dare i interrupt, I have no respect etc. I was in shock and then told him to get over himself and then just sat there while he yelled again. Everyone was mortified and I left shortly after. DH apologised shortly after and now acts like all is OK. I am so angry. Less than 24 hours later when I told him how upset I was he said I was trying to drag it out again so I feel like I can't talk to him or he will shout again. I don't want to see my inlaws again and am afraid of a dinner we are throwing for some friends in a few weeks, I just feel like it's all going to happen again and I will not set myself up for humiliation again. I have no idea how to let it go or do I try to talk it through and risk another tantrum.

OP posts:
PousseyNotMoira · 18/04/2023 23:35

This is abuse. You are in an abusive relationship. The only way to fix it is to stop being in an abusive relationship.

SemperIdem · 18/04/2023 23:38

He sounds like a dick.

You shouldn’t feel embarrassed by his poor behaviour in front of your in laws, as much as I fully understand why you do. It doesn’t read as though any of them thought his behaviour was ok!

Lysianthus · 18/04/2023 23:38

There's a lot to unwrap here. Your son triggered the argument but saying something he knew would rile the grandparents? You launched in to either pacify or defend but neither worked?

You have two issues. Your son is clearly clever and playing the situation. You are defensive because you don't like seeing a 'wrong'.

You need to talk to your DH and tell him how you interpreted what was going on. He needs to understand what led to his son behaving the way he did.

All of this is about communication. If your DH won't discuss his reaction and behaviour then you do have a problem which could be remedied with mediation and you also need to consider your son. Perhaps he is reacting as a consequence of his observation of both your behaviours.

Original poster
LaMaG · 18/04/2023 23:47

I have intervened many times to pacify but never to defend my son as he starts the argument on purpose. Its complicated, he has a lot of issues. Ironically on this occasion I didn't butt in, in fact I don't recall interrupting at all. The group was kind of having two conversations around the table and I had steered away from my son on purpose. I was actually measuring my little twins against each other with my sister in law and having a laugh when he let loose. He said I had said " stop being so competitive" as my son was teasing DH about his brother basically being wealthier / more successful in life and going on about his cousin being more priveleged. I don't remember saying it but even if I did it was to diffuse a situation and change the topic. I may possibly have been teasing my twins about who is taller this month!

OP posts:
PousseyNotMoira · 19/04/2023 00:04

LaMaG · 18/04/2023 23:47

I have intervened many times to pacify but never to defend my son as he starts the argument on purpose. Its complicated, he has a lot of issues. Ironically on this occasion I didn't butt in, in fact I don't recall interrupting at all. The group was kind of having two conversations around the table and I had steered away from my son on purpose. I was actually measuring my little twins against each other with my sister in law and having a laugh when he let loose. He said I had said " stop being so competitive" as my son was teasing DH about his brother basically being wealthier / more successful in life and going on about his cousin being more priveleged. I don't remember saying it but even if I did it was to diffuse a situation and change the topic. I may possibly have been teasing my twins about who is taller this month!

Literally none of this matters. He doesn’t get to shout at you. At all. Ever. The fact that you’re scared to bring it up and risk annoying him is just further proof that you’re in an abusive relationship.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 19/04/2023 00:56

Your son is an ass that intentionally riles everyone up. You seem to deflect or ignore it and your husband is fed up with the dynamic.

Good luck is all I have to say. Clearly you and DH aren’t on the same page and your son is taking full advantage of it. This will probably not end well.

LucifersLight · 19/04/2023 01:13

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mainsfed · 19/04/2023 01:17

Whose friends are coming? Are you able to cancel? Or if they’re your friends can you tell DH that due to his anger issues he needs to make sure he is not present that evening?

On his anger and shouting - this is a death by a thousand cuts. You will gradually get inured to the shouting in the sense that you will start making excuses for him and you will start treading on eggshells in an attempt not to trigger his anger. But he will always look for an excuse to get angry because you make a convenient punching bag.

You may start shouting back at him to try and level the score but this won’t work, you will gradually start getting quieter and quieter to defuse his anger.

Basically, you will become a shell of the person you are today.

mainsfed · 19/04/2023 01:19

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Reported.

PottyMouthkaka · 19/04/2023 01:19

Your son sounds a knob. I'd cut your poor husband some slack it all got too much. I would look into why my son is such a shit stirrer instead of adding more grief to an already stressed out husband. I wouldn't be so dramatic as to not go see my in laws again.

mainsfed · 19/04/2023 01:21

All the male apologists are out tonight.

If OP shouted at her husband in front of her in laws people would be calling her abusive.

PottyMouthkaka · 19/04/2023 01:23

@LucifersLight I agree. Many MNers brandish DHs as abusive at the drop of a hat. Verbal abuse isn't acceptable but it's also not a light thing to accuse someone of being abusive over a heated argument or raising their voice once. Who hasn't raised their voice or got annoyed or snippy? Totally unrealistic expectations of a normal relationship.

AliceOlive · 19/04/2023 01:23

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Serious question; you are a guy, right?

Because women understand why men who can’t control themselves verbally are scary physically.

PottyMouthkaka · 19/04/2023 01:24

@mainsfed male apologists because we have a different view? OK, if it makes you feel better.
By the way I disapproved of her son, who is a male.

emptythelitterbox · 19/04/2023 01:29

Is your DH the teen son's father?

Rustyhandlebars · 19/04/2023 01:38

saltinesandcoffeecups · Today 00:56

Your son is an ass that intentionally riles everyone up. You seem to deflect or ignore it and your husband is fed up with the dynamic.

Good luck is all I have to say. Clearly you and DH aren’t on the same page and your son is taking full advantage of it. This will probably not end well.

This

mainsfed · 19/04/2023 01:55

PottyMouthkaka · 19/04/2023 01:23

@LucifersLight I agree. Many MNers brandish DHs as abusive at the drop of a hat. Verbal abuse isn't acceptable but it's also not a light thing to accuse someone of being abusive over a heated argument or raising their voice once. Who hasn't raised their voice or got annoyed or snippy? Totally unrealistic expectations of a normal relationship.

Shouting at his wife in front of his whole family is much more than ‘raising his voice’.

And it’s not ‘once’.

Nice attempt to minimise though. Typical of your cohort.

mainsfed · 19/04/2023 01:58

PottyMouthkaka · 19/04/2023 01:24

@mainsfed male apologists because we have a different view? OK, if it makes you feel better.
By the way I disapproved of her son, who is a male.

You disapproved of her son by implying that it’s her fault her son is the way he is and justified the husband as stressed out.

Women are often blamed by misogynists for how their sons turn out, when the reason why is he has such a poor male role model at home in the shape of the abusive father.

Kanaloa · 19/04/2023 01:59

I wouldn’t want to live with anyone who screamed and shouted at me. It would be basically the beginning of the end for me, I’d never feel comfortable.

PottyMouthkaka · 19/04/2023 02:06

You talk about your humiliation at dinner table but what about the dad who is having it from both sides, the son and the mum. Nobody respects him it seems and it's all a mess.
You don't want to see your in laws after your husband shouting at you but how do you think your husband feels when his wife and son are both disrespectful and undermining in front of his own parents and family?
Is there a chance that your husband getting angry at you because he thinks you minimise or enable your son? Maybe your husband thinks you're not on the same page with regards to dealing with your son's horrid behaviour and so indirectly you are condoning it or facilitating it?
Focus on sorting out your son's behaviour. I'd be mortified about my son rather than my DH shouting in company.

mainsfed · 19/04/2023 02:10

PottyMouthkaka · 19/04/2023 02:06

You talk about your humiliation at dinner table but what about the dad who is having it from both sides, the son and the mum. Nobody respects him it seems and it's all a mess.
You don't want to see your in laws after your husband shouting at you but how do you think your husband feels when his wife and son are both disrespectful and undermining in front of his own parents and family?
Is there a chance that your husband getting angry at you because he thinks you minimise or enable your son? Maybe your husband thinks you're not on the same page with regards to dealing with your son's horrid behaviour and so indirectly you are condoning it or facilitating it?
Focus on sorting out your son's behaviour. I'd be mortified about my son rather than my DH shouting in company.

How did OP humiliate her husband?

You’re becoming a parody of yourself mate. Back to the incel Reddit me thinks.

Coffeeandbourbons · 19/04/2023 02:35

PousseyNotMoira · 18/04/2023 23:35

This is abuse. You are in an abusive relationship. The only way to fix it is to stop being in an abusive relationship.

Abuse? He shouted. He’s going through a testing time with the son who sounds maddening. It’s not great behaviour but it’s not abuse.

NeIIie · 19/04/2023 06:22

It sounds like its obvious where your son has learned his bad behaviour from! Your son and your DH both sound like dicks.

I wouldnt do any kind of entertaining with him and I'd tell him why. He could get to fuck if he spoke to me like that. To be honest I wouldn't stay with someone who screamed at me like that, he sounds like he has anger issues and I wouldnt tolerate living with someone who I felt on egg shells with.

Peapodburgundybouquet · 19/04/2023 06:57

Well, not hard to see where your son gets it from. Your H is a horrible, aggressive, abusive man.

Peapodburgundybouquet · 19/04/2023 06:57

At least the inlaws know what a nasty twat your husband is now.