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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not trust DH to not shout at me again

108 replies

LaMaG · 18/04/2023 23:29

My DH is a bit stressed these days (as am I) for a million reasons but particularly cos of some behaviour problems with our teenage son. I could write a book about it but let's just say he is extremely argumentative. I have many times begged DH to not shout back or engage in aggressive talk, partly cos I can see it makes everything worse but also on advice of a number of psychologists. Yet he always shouts back and has to have the final word. If I intervene the anger can turn towards me. Recently we had a family dinner at in laws and my son started rising my DH, bringing up something he was asked to not mention in front of gran. This was done intentionally to cause a stir, this is what he does. Anyhow shortly after I unintentionally cut across DH, and he let rip, shouting at me in front of everyone saying how dare i interrupt, I have no respect etc. I was in shock and then told him to get over himself and then just sat there while he yelled again. Everyone was mortified and I left shortly after. DH apologised shortly after and now acts like all is OK. I am so angry. Less than 24 hours later when I told him how upset I was he said I was trying to drag it out again so I feel like I can't talk to him or he will shout again. I don't want to see my inlaws again and am afraid of a dinner we are throwing for some friends in a few weeks, I just feel like it's all going to happen again and I will not set myself up for humiliation again. I have no idea how to let it go or do I try to talk it through and risk another tantrum.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 19/04/2023 07:04

He shouldn't have shouted. It's not acceptable.

Your son shouldn't be shit stirring. Sitting around the table with family goading his father about how cousins are more privileged, Dad's brother is better and more successful is unacceptable and the fact he's bold enough to do that with an audience in order to try and get a rise from your husband is unpleasant.

You and your husband aren't on the same page with your son and son is taking advantage of the situation.

Sissynova · 19/04/2023 07:07

It sounds like you and your husband are not on the same page when it comes to dealing with your sons behaviour.
You view it as not giving the behaviour attention by by ignoring it your husband views it as allowing him to continue and enabling him.
DS was being a dick at the dinner table with GPS there too and it seems like he can just do and say what he wants without any consequences.
It’s not acceptable for your DH to shout but he just sounds at the end of his rag with this. It’s telling that you made the whole issue about DH when it was DS who created the situation.

LolaSmiles · 19/04/2023 07:13

Sissynova
That's what stood out to me. The root cause here is a teenager who seems to get a free pass to be argumentative, intentionally starts arguments in situations to cause a stir, and in this case has started picking a fight with her DH in front of relatives as part of an ongoing pattern of unacceptable behaviour.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 19/04/2023 07:27

What teenager doesn't start arguments or isn't a knob. Sounds like he's extreme in comparison to some, but he's still just a teen. Rather than shouting and losing his temper, why isn't his DF finding ways to resolve the conflict without getting angry and shouting? Could the reason his DS is being a knob because he's seen his DF shout at all members of the household on a regular basis - monkey see, monkey do.

OP your DH needs to find a way of resolving conflict without getting angry and losing his temper. Regardless of what you or your teen did, his reaction to this was terrible and far too extreme. I'm not surprised you're struggling to get past it. Tbh I'd cancel the dinner with friends.

As for your teen, could he speak to someone? Maybe a councillor at school to get to the bottom of why he's deliberately annoying his DF? There might be an underlying issue (or he could just be being a twat)

CecilyP · 19/04/2023 07:30

PottyMouthkaka · 19/04/2023 01:23

@LucifersLight I agree. Many MNers brandish DHs as abusive at the drop of a hat. Verbal abuse isn't acceptable but it's also not a light thing to accuse someone of being abusive over a heated argument or raising their voice once. Who hasn't raised their voice or got annoyed or snippy? Totally unrealistic expectations of a normal relationship.

Do you not understand the meaning of the word ‘again’? And where do you get the idea of a heated argument? The son’s behaviour was bad and embarrassing. Her husband could have dealt with it. He did not have to create a massive row with OP and basically blaming her for the son’s behaviour. It it is pretty easy to see where the boy gets it from.

LolaSmiles · 19/04/2023 07:35

What teenager doesn't start arguments or isn't a knob.
Most teenagers can be moody and a little bit argumentative at times.

Most parents of teens wouldn't say they can write a book about their teen's poor behaviour, extreme argumentative nature, and most teens wouldn't continue this sort of behaviour in company by baiting and baiting a parent to get a reaction.

GabriellaMontez · 19/04/2023 07:40

Is this genuinely, the first time, in many years of marriage, that your husband has behaved like this?

Or, is the truth, that you're often on eggshells around him to some extent?

CecilyP · 19/04/2023 07:43

Focus on sorting out your son's behaviour. I'd be mortified about my son rather than my DH shouting in company.

So it’s her sole responsibility to sort out her son’s behaviour, not he husband’s? A husband who is now unwilling to to even talk about how things got so out of hand? He’s the one who has basically closed down all conversation and wants to carry on like nothing has happened yet you expect OP to sort things out?

CalistoNoSolo · 19/04/2023 07:46

Your son sounds like a complete nob and your husband sounds like he's at the end of his tether with it. It's an awful dynamic to live in and you and your husband really need to be on the same parenting page otherwise your marriage is pretty much over. Your H yelling isn't necessarily abusive, it depends if it was a one off during a high stress moment, or if its how he always is.

CecilyP · 19/04/2023 07:54

OP your DH needs to find a way of resolving conflict without getting angry and losing his temper. Regardless of what you or your teen did, his reaction to this was terrible and far too extreme. I'm not surprised you're struggling to get past it. Tbh I'd cancel the dinner with friends.

As for your teen, could he speak to someone. Maybe a councillor at school to get to the bottom of why he's deliberately annoying his DF? There might be an underlying issue (or he could just be being a twat)

OP mentioned advice of psychologists in her first post so it seems the son’s behaviour has already got passed the school councillor stage. My own feeling from the limited information given, is the underlying problem is his dad.

CecilyP · 19/04/2023 07:58

CalistoNoSolo · 19/04/2023 07:46

Your son sounds like a complete nob and your husband sounds like he's at the end of his tether with it. It's an awful dynamic to live in and you and your husband really need to be on the same parenting page otherwise your marriage is pretty much over. Your H yelling isn't necessarily abusive, it depends if it was a one off during a high stress moment, or if its how he always is.

Is he at the end if his tether? I bet he’s not unable sleep and asking for advice at midnight! As he is unwilling to even talk about it with OP, it sounds like he’s quite happy to get on with his day like nothing has happened.

Theunamedcat · 19/04/2023 08:00

Doesn't even sound like the son did anything wrong teasing someone for being jealous can and should be laughed off

Sapphire387 · 19/04/2023 08:00

It's not fully clear to me from your post but... if you were interrupting while he was dealing with your and his (very rude) teenage son, then you are being unreasonable. It does sound like you are excusing poor behaviour on son's part and husband doesn't agree with you on how to tackle it. Neither of you is necessarily 'wrong'.

IF, however, he just took his anger out on you as part of an unrelated conversation because he was still annoyed from your son's behaviour, that is unacceptable and he is unreasonable.

It does sound like the root cause is son's poor behaviour- your husband is allowed to be angry at your son. And also neither you nor your husband seem to agree on how to tackle it, which sounds like it is creating tension.

Cherry8809 · 19/04/2023 08:01

PottyMouthkaka · 19/04/2023 01:19

Your son sounds a knob. I'd cut your poor husband some slack it all got too much. I would look into why my son is such a shit stirrer instead of adding more grief to an already stressed out husband. I wouldn't be so dramatic as to not go see my in laws again.

This.

AP5Diva · 19/04/2023 08:08

If your DH were an abusive twat, shouting would have started long before there was a teenager in the mix deliberately pushing buttons to make his dad angry.

Your DH should not have shouted at you, but OMG I have shouted at my teens and my DN when the teens have egged me over the brink. I can count the number of times on one hand though, and I don’t think that is too terrible.

Obviously, I did start doing mindfulness and working on taking three deep breaths before responding to one of my teens being deliberately provocative towards me. Teens can be a whole new challenge.

Id punish the teen for being deliberately provocative and also tell DH he needs to find a solution to not shout- even if it means saying “I can’t deal with this right now” and walking away to cool down.

Maray1967 · 19/04/2023 08:21

Cancel or at least postpone the dinner - you don’t need the stress of that right now.
No, your DH should not have behaved as he did, and I wouldn’t be rushing back to the in-laws any time soon, I must admit.
But - you need to get a grip on your son’s behaviour. What consequences does he face for behaving like this? You should not be intervening to pacify him, you should be warning him and then carrying out consequences. Mine would have been ordered to leave the table and head to the car and I would have driven him home. I would have warned the in-laws in advance so they did not intervene to try to stop me taking him away. Then I would make sure he respected what he receives from his dad’s work - does he fancy going without his phone for a month? I’m wondering why you ‘pacified’ a teenager who was basically humiliating his dad by belittling what he earns compared to his brother?

CalistoNoSolo · 19/04/2023 08:24

CecilyP · 19/04/2023 07:58

Is he at the end if his tether? I bet he’s not unable sleep and asking for advice at midnight! As he is unwilling to even talk about it with OP, it sounds like he’s quite happy to get on with his day like nothing has happened.

Show quote history

I have no idea, OP hasn't given much background info. But why are you so invested in the husband being an abusive bastard?

CalistoNoSolo · 19/04/2023 08:24

CecilyP · 19/04/2023 07:58

Is he at the end if his tether? I bet he’s not unable sleep and asking for advice at midnight! As he is unwilling to even talk about it with OP, it sounds like he’s quite happy to get on with his day like nothing has happened.

Show quote history

I have no idea, OP hasn't given much background info. But why are you so invested in the husband being an abusive bastard?

Daniella12 · 19/04/2023 08:28

Teenagers can be very testing and cruel. I know from experience. The husband was being riled and humiliated, and lost it. Forgive him.

MagiMagic · 19/04/2023 08:29

Really odd replies on this thread.

I'd be devestated to be shouted at like that too. In some ways it's good there was an audience as it means it's harder to ignore and brush under the carpet.

The fact he is shutting you down talking about it makes it a lot worse.

How often does he shout at you? Do you even want to stay with him? What do you feel about your future? What about when the kids leave home and it's just you and him? Retirement is a long period of time and you need to be able to trust the other person.

Do you feel tense around your husband?

I would.

I HATE being shouted at. I never shout. Never ever so people can fuck of if they think they can shout at me.

I assume all the odd posts on this thread are from posters who can't control their tempers.

Good luck OP. I'd cancel the meal.

piedbeauty · 19/04/2023 08:36

I wonder where your son learned this abusive behaviour from.

Comeohsavinglight · 19/04/2023 08:46

saltinesandcoffeecups · 19/04/2023 00:56

Your son is an ass that intentionally riles everyone up. You seem to deflect or ignore it and your husband is fed up with the dynamic.

Good luck is all I have to say. Clearly you and DH aren’t on the same page and your son is taking full advantage of it. This will probably not end well.

I don’t normally agree with posts like this, but this time I do. After seeing what your son said, that just nasty. He was deliberately and calculatedly going for the jugular, and in public too.

it sounds like you and your H need to agree a strategy for how to deal with son’s behaviour. I’d suggest outside mediation / support to agree an approach.

ClareBlue · 19/04/2023 08:48

CleaningOutMyCloset · 19/04/2023 07:27

What teenager doesn't start arguments or isn't a knob. Sounds like he's extreme in comparison to some, but he's still just a teen. Rather than shouting and losing his temper, why isn't his DF finding ways to resolve the conflict without getting angry and shouting? Could the reason his DS is being a knob because he's seen his DF shout at all members of the household on a regular basis - monkey see, monkey do.

OP your DH needs to find a way of resolving conflict without getting angry and losing his temper. Regardless of what you or your teen did, his reaction to this was terrible and far too extreme. I'm not surprised you're struggling to get past it. Tbh I'd cancel the dinner with friends.

As for your teen, could he speak to someone? Maybe a councillor at school to get to the bottom of why he's deliberately annoying his DF? There might be an underlying issue (or he could just be being a twat)

This is it in a nutshell. However bad a child behaves there is never ever an excuse to shout at the other parent. Doing in front of others shows a serious lack of self control.
And it just reinforces the power the teenager has as he got exactly what he wanted and also sets an example that shouting at his mother is an acceptable way to take out your anger. He did it twice in front of the in laws over the same meal.
Humiliating, agressive, embarrassing. Everyone left. OP thinks same could happen again next week. There is no excuse, even if he was 'at the end of his tether' and people shouldn't be making them for him.
He needs to address this quickly

Devoutspoken · 19/04/2023 08:51

Nice of the inlaws to do nothing about their sons behaviour

Gregorylass · 19/04/2023 08:55

Your son is the problem here. He is clearly manipulating the situation and deliberately causing tension and arguments. You both need to be on the same page regarding his unacceptable behaviour, and back each other up when dealing with him.
I don't believe that shouting is abuse when there is a stroppy teenager winding everyone up.