To not trust DH to not shout at me again

[LaMaG]

My DH is a bit stressed these days (as am I) for a million reasons but particularly cos of some behaviour problems with our teenage son. I could write a book about it but let's just say he is extremely argumentative. I have many times begged DH to not shout back or engage in aggressive talk, partly cos I can see it makes everything worse but also on advice of a number of psychologists. Yet he always shouts back and has to have the final word. If I intervene the anger can turn towards me. Recently we had a family dinner at in laws and my son started rising my DH, bringing up something he was asked to not mention in front of gran. This was done intentionally to cause a stir, this is what he does. Anyhow shortly after I unintentionally cut across DH, and he let rip, shouting at me in front of everyone saying how dare i interrupt, I have no respect etc. I was in shock and then told him to get over himself and then just sat there while he yelled again. Everyone was mortified and I left shortly after. DH apologised shortly after and now acts like all is OK. I am so angry. Less than 24 hours later when I told him how upset I was he said I was trying to drag it out again so I feel like I can't talk to him or he will shout again. I don't want to see my inlaws again and am afraid of a dinner we are throwing for some friends in a few weeks, I just feel like it's all going to happen again and I will not set myself up for humiliation again. I have no idea how to let it go or do I try to talk it through and risk another tantrum.

These responses are so contrasting and it's great to see this from different perspectives so thank you all. I'm new to this site and find great support in it.

To give some background, my son was diagnosed with autism and ADHD, he is high functioning and masks it well. To the outside world he is a good looking popular clever kid who is a gifted athlete. But I think he struggles to keep it together publicly and lashes out at home. We have gotten help and guidance but it's been mostly for us as he refuses to acknowledge any problems. I mostly think he is a pr*ck but sometimes I feel this is a cry for help from a vulnerable child, he is only 15. I NEVER defend him against his Dad as he always instigates the argument, but he feels like no one supports him. And I rarely think kindly of him, I pray for the next few years to fly by so he can move out and I can be myself again but I do feel guilty for feeling like this.

There's no doubt DH behaviour is linked to deterioration in DS behaviour in the past few years. The day before this incident they stopped to get an energy drink for DS on the way home from a match and he called DH a "stupid f*ggot" for tapping the wrong button on the self service machine - loudly inside in Tesco. DH was so upset.

It's a constant issue and I feel like I spend half my life deep breathing in the bathroom (like advised) and some day I will lose the plot. Someone has to stay calm and it has to be me as DH isn't doing his side of it. And now it seems im the target too. Whatever the child does we have to be adults and show example. I'm so worried how this is affecting my younger two kids. My youngest is incredibly sensitive, also has autism and heartbreakingly asked Santa to make Daddy's shouting stop😥

There's no doubt DH behaviour is linked to deterioration in DS behaviour in the past few years. The day before this incident they stopped to get an energy drink for DS on the way home from a match and he called DH a "stupid fggot" for tapping the wrong button on the self service machine - loudly inside in Tesco. DH was so upset.*

And posters still think the dh is at fault? Your d
S sounds horrible and gets off on gaslighting your dh and others. No one can keep their tolerance with a child like that.

Have you tried any medication for the ADHD? I ask because it's really helped with my DS's hugely impulsive, often unpleasant, behaviours. When my DS is not taking medication he can have really quite intrusive thoughts.

Given your son is autistic and has ADHD, I'd wager that he has a lower gauge of how shitty he sounds and what an impact his words are having. Equally the impulsivity will mean he will just come out and say/do something without thinking and then his teenage pride will prevent him backing down. The masking outside of the home will also be completely exhausting.

Your DH's behaviour is unacceptable (as is your son's of course). The difference here is that your DH is an adult.

I thought it might be ASD as my dd was similar though she’s a lot younger. After masking all day she used to let loose in the day and shouting at her only made it worse.

I think you need to sit down with your dh and give him an ultimatum. Is he going to support you and your dc by not losing his temper over every little thing, or is he going to keep reacting and making this worse? If the latter he needs to leave.

Dilemma19, how on earth does the wife deserve to get shouted at? Where is the logic in that?!

Not read the whole thread. But the culprit is your son who winds up his Dad. You should focus on his behaviour.

Yes, I absolutely still think he's 'at fault' for shouting at his wife.

I have an AuDHD teen ds and I know! It’s a lot.

For those rushing in to take DH’s side, have you read that op is a ring on the advice of psychologists?

Op, has your dh consulted these psychologists with you? I might be projecting here but my dh has often missed those meetings and my answer, has to be, that if he doesn’t agree with the approach I’ve worked out with a professional then we need to have another meeting, with him in attendance , to figure something else out.

As snarky as that sounds written down, I am actually open to trying a different approach, but only as long as it’s considered and informed. Not just about being irritated in the heat of the moment.

But one way or another you do need to find your way to the same page.

I’m also going to add that one of the greatest failings of the support for ND dc is the assumption that the dps and siblings are NT when the balance of probability is that we’re not.

Most behaviour management relies on parents being consistent and paragons of emotional regulation.

The reasons for that are about economics and convenience rather than best practice or psychology.

It is worth taking a look at everyone involved to figure out 1) whether you have traits or an undiagnosed condition; and 2) what your needs and triggers are.

You cannot focus everything on the needs of one child - it’s about balancing a system. Once you get clear on when, where and why you each need support it becomes easier to find it.

He sounds like a horrible bully. Next time I'd film him and tell him that's why he's now single.

Given your updates, the problem is clearly your DH.

It is heartbreaking to hear your little ones are asking for Santas help to make daddy stop shouting.

What eldest DS said really doesn’t sound that bad to me. Certainly not enough for the full scale shouting from DH that followed. Does he have no SOH? I would think it rather funny (as would my siblings) if our DC were talking about us like that. We would probably respond with “yeah, but at at least I don’t have his stinky feet” or similar.

Would DH consider anger management? Is he eldest DS father?

I am autistic and I grew up with a shouty autistic father too. Has DH always been like this or is it a recent thing?

If he's always been shouty then your son is pushing his buttons as he has become immune to the shouting. If you're going to get shouted at no matter what you do you may as well get a few jabs in to the person you despise before all hell breaks loose. DH is then directing his anger at you as you don't fight back, he still has power over you.

If this is just since DS started pushing his buttons then DH needs to grow up a bit. I know it's hard but it's best to ignore teens when they are like this. I usually walk away or tell them how lovely teenagers are at this age or something else to diffuse the situation. Don't lose you sense of humour, adapt it to the hell that is raising autistic teens! It's not forever, they'll be human again in another couple of years. 10 at the most!

I think it's very easy to ignore a child on the wind up, in the same way I can ignore a buzzing insect, ignoring a fully grown man shouting, is not so easy

Agree with onions, humour is a better tool than shouting, when dealing with provocative kids

Oh for goodness sake. DH has been arguing with DS and shouted at his wife once and now she’s being abused.

If you’re arguing with your DS or DD and snap at your DH because of the stress of it all are you an abuser?

We all get angry, we all have very stressful times in our lives and occasionally we take it out on someone who doesn’t deserve it, it’s human, it doesn’t make use abusive.

How does your son behave when his dad isn't around? Is it mainly him that he targets?

I wonder whether he's reacting to your husband's control- it often happens.

Well the other children have asked santa to take daddy's shouting away as their Christmas present and a phycologist has told him to not shout as a way of Communication and his wife is serious going to cancel a dinner party because she is scared he will kick off and shout at her.
And that's all we have read about. They have a significant parenting challenge but shouting and humiliating his wife at home that scares the other children and in front of family so they leave, is a problem.

A one off it ain't

A psychologist is hardly going to say ‘yes, shout back, that will make it better’ but the fact psychologists are involved indicates the immense stress this family are under.

Who said it wasn’t a problem? Because that wasn’t me. I said OP was not in an abusive relationship because her DH shouted at her.

Honestly MN are so quick to jump to ‘abuse’ if it was the Mother acting like this she’d get sympathy.

Many, if not most MN users massively struggle to see any view point other than their own. There are real people involved here all with their own thoughts, feelings and processes. Making dangerous assumptions and jumping to conclusion from extremely limited information can leads to misguided advice, conflicts and conclusions.

With your updates, your DH's behaviour is a bigger problem.

Whilst it's unacceptable for him to have shouted in your first post, it could be understandable that someone could lost their temper after an ongoing situation is bubbling for ages and they're being endlessly goaded.

The fact that your DH seems to react with shouting with such regularity that children have asked Santa for him to stop suggests a worrying pattern of behaviour on his part.

You and him still need to get on the same page to address your teen's behaviour, but he also either needs to change his behaviour and possibly go to therapy himself so he can address the root cause of why he is that badly triggered by the behaviour on such a regular basis.

OP have you ever read about Oppositional Defiant Disorder? Trying to wind others up is part of this, and it's more likely in someone with adhd than someone without.
Your dh may be experiencing stress from the situation with his son, but he also may have a similar condition yourself.
Whether it's ODD or not, I found the book 10 days to a less defiant child really helpful - I haven't shouted at my dc since and I'd say his behaviour is improving (slowly!) as a result.

Of course the dickhead H is still at fault for shouting at his wife in front of his whole family.

Why is the son’s ADHD and behaviour OP’s fault?

To the usual nonsense, i.e. ultimatums etc, get over yourselves.

Your husband has been horrible to you. This is not excusable. It is understandable. He needs to reflect on his source of anger.

He's likely struggling with realising that his son is going to have a far worse sort of life than he'd hoped for him. He likely thinks that your son can be either reasoned with or bullied into proper conduct; he can't.

I'm sorry your family are dealing with such a tough situation.

You poor woman.

How dreadful.

You have a lot going on.

Your son has issues but he is a child still.

Personally I wouldn't know how to move forward with someone who would humiliate me like that and behave so badly.

I certainly wouldn't be sharing a bed with them.

His behaviour is nasty and abusive and your younger children are feeling it too.

Do you want to remain married is the question?

He really made a complete show of himself didn't he!

I'm so sorry.

This must be very tough to live with.

Could your dh also have ASD- given that at least two of the children do, and there is a big genetic component to the condition? Even if he does, it does not excuse his obviously quite frequent shouting; but could explain some of his stressed behaviour and lack of tolerance.

Whether this is the case or not, it is certainly not your fault.