To not trust DH to not shout at me again

[LaMaG]

My DH is a bit stressed these days (as am I) for a million reasons but particularly cos of some behaviour problems with our teenage son. I could write a book about it but let's just say he is extremely argumentative. I have many times begged DH to not shout back or engage in aggressive talk, partly cos I can see it makes everything worse but also on advice of a number of psychologists. Yet he always shouts back and has to have the final word. If I intervene the anger can turn towards me. Recently we had a family dinner at in laws and my son started rising my DH, bringing up something he was asked to not mention in front of gran. This was done intentionally to cause a stir, this is what he does. Anyhow shortly after I unintentionally cut across DH, and he let rip, shouting at me in front of everyone saying how dare i interrupt, I have no respect etc. I was in shock and then told him to get over himself and then just sat there while he yelled again. Everyone was mortified and I left shortly after. DH apologised shortly after and now acts like all is OK. I am so angry. Less than 24 hours later when I told him how upset I was he said I was trying to drag it out again so I feel like I can't talk to him or he will shout again. I don't want to see my inlaws again and am afraid of a dinner we are throwing for some friends in a few weeks, I just feel like it's all going to happen again and I will not set myself up for humiliation again. I have no idea how to let it go or do I try to talk it through and risk another tantrum.

Regularly screaming at your wife, even in public, your younger children wanting to ask Santa to stop Daddy shouting, absolutely indicates a highly dysfunctional environment that I would describe as abusive.

It's hardly a happy home or anything resembling one.

Her husband may indeed be struggling with their son, but that doesn't mean he gets to terrorise the house with his shouting and temper.

This is toxic masculinity in action. Men unable to express themselves through anything other than shouting as they're told crying and talking about their feelings are signs of weakness. Passed on through the generations.

Your DH shouting is really unacceptable and unhelpful but equally it sounds like he's really struggling. Your son also is really struggling which you recognise.

Not that it makes their behaviour ok. Your DH is massively out of order, but also needs empathy. Both things can be true at the same time.

I suggest before you walk out that DH gets counselling, and joins a men's talking club, and you both attend a teen parenting course for neurodivergent children. Look at trauma informed parenting or explosive child parenting.

You also need to take care of yourself. Find an outlet to vent and explore your own feelings. You are currently doing a huge job holding this all down.

Both you and DH need to work on your triggers and find inner calm. I know you're not shouting which is harmful to everyone, but hyperventilating in the bathroom isn't good for you either. It's tough but you're the parents and you're the ones that need to be cool, calm and in control here. Good luck.

@Irritateandunreasonable and I was careful to not say it was abusive. I have used the word unacceptable in all my posts. I agree that it is sometimes used too quickly as is LTB. And having 3 children I would agree sometimes you're frustrations on your children's behaviour can project to your partner, but not shouting and humiliating them. Not in my world, anyway.

Your husband is scolding you in public. It's designed to humiliate and embarass you in front of others, cause stress and anxiety re upcoming occasions, and there is absolutely no justification for doing that to anybody. He lacks control. If I was at a table and witnessed something like that I'd get up and walk out.

The teenage son issue must be addressed seperately, he is way out of order. There needs to be consequences. However you are not to be scapegoated for your son's behaviour. & his dad is no role model, clearly.

Ignore the 'yeah buts' on this thread, they have no standards. You do not have to accept or put up with this. & you should tell him so, and mean it.

Once unkindness becomes a norm, your relationship is dead in the water anyway. So thats also something to think about. Alongside the fact he doesnt respect you and wants others to see and know it.

@DeeCeeCherry completely agree.

I would be absolutely appalled if anyone connected to us behaved as her husband did.

I certainly wouldn't remain sitting by and allow him to think it was acceptable.

I would be cancelling all future social dinners and meet ups.
I would tell friends/family that his behaviour is completely unacceptable.

I would be telling him that you have cancelled all future socialising with him and explained that his verbal abuse of you is the reason.

This bullshit continues because people accept it.

Shine a light on it and let him deal with the fact his wife refuses to socialise with him and why.

If you socialise with him again, the message is clear, that you accept this behaviour and its okay with you.

I'm so sorry.

Yes but my point exactly was that OP wasn’t in an abusive relationship (from what was written about said relationship) and you were responding to me.

Glad we agree on everything else.

Thanks all. Just to answer a few questions - DS was offered meds 4 yrs ago when diagnosed with ADHD but DH really strongly felt it was a bad move. I disagreed as we had a prof recommendation but then DS said he would refuse to take it and then his teachers said they didn't think it was necessary, so we put it off. Then puberty and covid hit and it all escalated. We have gone back to ask for meds but have to be reassessed so thats where we are now.

Thanks for the ODD book recommendation. I am v familiar with the condition since teachers and minders have used the oppositional word his whole life. I have been on so many parenting courses and read so many books but mostly based on children not teenagers. DS is a serious athlete, it's his life and lockdowns were horrific for him. I think we chose our battles carefully at that time and possibly lost a lot of parental control just trying to get through the day.

I intend to sit down and have a very honest talk this weekend with DH. It probably won't end well but I have been so stressed and have a tummy ache and head ache all week so I know I have to do it now for my own sake. Dreading it

OP,

You are in a very difficult stressful situation.

You are not your husbands emotional punching bag.

Far better he leaves than continues to bully you and escalate an already difficult situation.

Your upset all week is clearly telling you that your health is also now at risk.

Remain calm.

If he becomes aggressive, ring the police.

Your husband is an out of control bully and you do not have to accept this.

I really wish you well.