..to really not want teenagers at the table

[NoCatsToday]

..but unable to explain why without being a grinch.

I have teenagers, all my friends have teenagers. This means we no longer need babysitters to go out which is great.

Occasionally one of my friendship group will suggest sharing a takeaway at one of our houses instead of going out. I need to emphasise that it isn't a cost issue. It's just a 'life's easier at home' issue.

I really really hate it when we are sitting around having a good chat, often discussing our teenagers, when these teenagers descend and start picking at our food before we've even finished. I go so far as to ban my own teenagers from appearing on the rare occasion that I am hosting in this scenario. This food picking only happens if we have a takeaway. They steer clear of 'normal' food.

I haven't said anything because the friendship group is precious to me. However the thought of it is starting to eat me up and spoil my potential enjoyment of any evening.

So AIBU and a grinch or should I say something and if so, what?

No, not at all! I think your post was lovely - you seem to have it sussed with your son.
And given the selfishness of many of the posts, your stood out as a nice one!

Exactly this. We had friends over with takeaway, DD asked whether she could join us and chat. I said absolutely she could, as long as she was happy with my hanging out with HER friends next time she had them over for pizza. Funnily enough she chose not to join.

And that's absolutely fine because it's the right of you as the homeowner to decide the rules for your house.

It isn't fine for guests to dictate how things should be done in other people's houses. Some families are strongly opposed to having TVs/gaming consoles etc in kids' bedrooms, so the kids would have to come downstairs if they want to use these. And some families just don't want to tell their kids to stay out of the way because that's not how they want to parent. Their house, their rules

Yes of course. I think anyone who thinks their mates want to come round and spend the evening chatting to their teenagers though is kidding themselves. Id probably just avoid going to this persons house OP. Wouldn't be wasting one of my own child free evenings to go and talk to someone else's or watch them play Xbox all evening in the living room.

And OP could suggest buying them a pizza or whatever in the hope they then leave them alone.

OP.

Engage with them - the teenagers. Ask them questions about themselves:

• How are you.
• how are you finding the teenage hormonal changes
• How's school.
• Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend.

What are they like

• How are you doing in Maths GCSEs.
• You really should watch this educational YouTube channel, it really helps with Maths.
• Are you involved in school debating/politics

Etc etc.

This !! To everyone

Oh sorry - I thought you were responding to my latest (rather blunt) post.
Thank you, that actually means a lot to me.

I get you OP! Other people who think their teens are just wonderful and want to show them off. And the rest of us are “meh!” I have a friend who does this. To be fair whatever age her son was (I’ve known her for nearly 15 years), she’s always thought he was something special. He’s just a normal, slightly annoying, fine in small doses, teenager though. Very opinionated. Likes to say things which are a bit controversial. Likes to talk about himself. Nice enough lad. But I don’t want to spend the whole evening with him thanks!

And that's entirely your choice.

Personally, I would be perfectly happy to sit and chat to my friends' kids every now and then. They are nice kids and good company, and obviously they are important to my friends so it's nice to get to know them a bit. And in any case, I don't view children and young people as a separate species to be kept away from adults as much as possible.

My own dd would rather hang out with her own friends rather than join a bunch of me and my mates, so this situation would be unlikely to arise for us in any case.

Does the host always order the takeaway in advance or do you decide when you get there? If the latter why not always ask what the dc want ordering so that the quantity of food is enough to feed you all.

Do your teenagers all get on? Might it be an option for them to gather in one house while you are at another and have some takeaway delivered to them at the same time?

Yabu. What’s right for you in your house isn’t necessarily right for someone else. Their house, their rules. Your only agency is deciding whether to go or not - that’s entirely up to you.

It’s up to the parents. Maybe they find it nice to mix their social group with their teenagers, I find it nice and am interested in chatting to my friends’ kids. How do your kids feel about being banished?? I don’t see the problem if you mostly go out and it’s only the occasional takeaway anyway.

Isn't this the downside of open plan living and 'sociable spaces'?

It’s kind of exactly what she said 🤣

I go so far as to ban my own teenagers from appearing on the rare occasion that I am hosting in this scenario. This food picking only happens if we have a takeaway. They steer clear of 'normal' food.

Close enough for “intimate wimmins chat” whatever the fuck that is, but not close enough to them to say what’s on your mind? Why do people have friends they’re terrified of? You can’t just say “nah, let’s go out we’ve stayed in the last x times” or “we need to order more food this time then as x and y ate it all last time”. And if the urge to talk about your dried out fanny or your husbands ED pops up when the kids are in the room, then say “alright now kids I’m going to talk about grown up things, can you give us some privacy”

Or maybe those who are wanting the kids to be around is to stop you waffling on about these “intimate wimmin issues” they don’t want to discuss?

How much do you hate women? Or is it just older women?

Me and DB as teenagers were rarely ever in so didn’t have this issue. No idea if it happened when DP’s went to other friends houses.

You can’t just exclude family members from their house because you’re there. To be honest I think is strange OP that you restrict your own DC from joining you for dinner or socialising with you and your friends, if they want to do this.

This list of questions is a surefire way to get teens fleeing for the hills 😂

YABU but I feel like we would be friends 🙃

I think if something really sensitive is being discussed or teenagers are taking over the conversation that that’s fine for the DP’s to say “now now Lily etc time for us adults to have an adult chat!” Accompanied with a laugh and cuddles etc.

So do that then. Decline the invitations to other people’s homes and just go on the nights out. I think if you accept an invitation to somebody else’s house, you are accepting the possibility of coming across other family members that live there, if this is too much for you, then stop going.

My friends have no issue telling the kids this is our adult time and to go away. They are given plenty of their own food. Only the little ones get away with handing around the adults, and that’s only when upset.

Teenagers can be boring too

YANBU. Coming to say hello and staying a few mins is fine. Its up to the parents how to feed them but they should not be all over the adult food when you're there and they should not be dominating the evening. I feel for you because I have friends who let their kids do this and it makes me not want to go round. I want to socialise with my friends, not with 16 year olds.