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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to really not want teenagers at the table

360 replies

NoCatsToday · 18/04/2023 20:55

..but unable to explain why without being a grinch.

I have teenagers, all my friends have teenagers. This means we no longer need babysitters to go out which is great.

Occasionally one of my friendship group will suggest sharing a takeaway at one of our houses instead of going out. I need to emphasise that it isn't a cost issue. It's just a 'life's easier at home' issue.

I really really hate it when we are sitting around having a good chat, often discussing our teenagers, when these teenagers descend and start picking at our food before we've even finished. I go so far as to ban my own teenagers from appearing on the rare occasion that I am hosting in this scenario. This food picking only happens if we have a takeaway. They steer clear of 'normal' food.

I haven't said anything because the friendship group is precious to me. However the thought of it is starting to eat me up and spoil my potential enjoyment of any evening.

So AIBU and a grinch or should I say something and if so, what?

OP posts:
Plumbear2 · 19/04/2023 06:05

NoCatsToday · 18/04/2023 20:57

But I do.

Show quote history

Different house different rules. I would never stop stop my own teenagers coming into the same room as us. They live there

MathsNervous · 19/04/2023 06:55

LolaSmiles · 18/04/2023 20:57

The person hosting should buy enough for their teenagers and then the adults should be able to socialise without being interrupted.

This.

Devoutspoken · 19/04/2023 06:59

She's not stopping teenagers coming into the room, she just wants some adult only chat

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 19/04/2023 06:59

Personally, I think the person hosting should get to decide what they do in their own homes. If visiting friends don't like it, they are free to leave.

Not everyone feels comfortable socialising with kids around. Not everyone feels comfortable with banishing their kids from certain areas in their own home. Neither of those positions is unreasonable, they are just not compatible. So either the OP should host and apply her own house rules, or they should go out, or those that are happy to socialise with kids hanging around can crack on while the OP does something else.

Devoutspoken · 19/04/2023 07:03

Not sure anyone's banishing anyone

Bloopsie · 19/04/2023 07:04

Erm why dont you order more to cover the kids as well? Pretty sure if it wasnt for the smell of food they wouldnt want to hang around with their mums either.

Eddielizzard · 19/04/2023 07:06

YANBU

I'd advocate for going out every time rather than a takeaway.

MathsNervous · 19/04/2023 07:08

Banish those teens they're so annoying 😂

FOAD37 · 19/04/2023 07:09

Anyone order a Victorian...?

WellPlaced · 19/04/2023 07:13

YANBU - other people’s kids? Meh

FOAD37 · 19/04/2023 07:16

NoCatsToday · 18/04/2023 21:13

Thank you. So my question is can I say anything or do I have to smile and pretend it is my favourite thing in the world to spend the evening with someone else's kids?

Show quote history

so they breeze in, eat 'your' food and spend the rest the rest of the evening with you, but wittering in a teenager way?
Or
They breeze in, speak to the adults who are visiting their parents (rather than ignoring them), sneak a bit of the 'treat' food, chat a bit more and then go their merry way?

Suggest in future that you:
change your friends
don't go to the houses with the pesky teenagers
go to an adults only venue

But be grateful your friends have normal sociable teenagers

TheOrigRights · 19/04/2023 07:16

Saracen · 19/04/2023 05:11

Once when my SILs wanted to remove the young people from the dining room, they started talking in loud and intimate detail about menopause symptoms. The effect was immediate.

Why were they there?
Why could they not be asked to leave the adults to their evening?

KitKatLove · 19/04/2023 07:19

NoCatsToday · 18/04/2023 21:01

I don't resent them for being alive. I resent the fact that they roam free interrupting our fun night in ... and eating all the food.

Show quote history

Next time when they ask what you want to order tell your friends a couple of extra dishes for the table then when their children descend ask them to pull up a chair and get a plate. Maybe ask them what they’ve been up to?

FOAD37 · 19/04/2023 07:20

brooksidebackside · 18/04/2023 21:15

I know. The absolute cheek!!

Show quote history

There ought to be a law against it!
In my day, children were sent up chimneys, so in bed when the adults met for vittals. Teenagers were either in a Southwark brothel or pprenticed to a criminal, so not living at home, and therefore unable to access their parents' friends food

MagpieSong · 19/04/2023 07:21

NoCatsToday · 18/04/2023 21:04

I think my friends think it is lovely that their children make an appearance. They do love them after all.
It is me who doesn't want to see them in that context. It spoils the atmosphere as all the focus moves to the teenagers ... and the food goes.

Show quote history

Can you just suggest they are included in the order?

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 19/04/2023 07:23

You are entitled to not like it. If you were to say something though, I suspect it might be the last time you were invited. You can't tell people what to do in their own homes.

SeatonCarew · 19/04/2023 07:24

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 18/04/2023 21:45

I completely agree, and I also don't see why the teenagers need a take away.

Because the teenagers need something to eat?

Because teenagers are always hungry?

Because it's more faff to make something separate for them? ( OP has made clear it's not a question of money).

Because it's pretty mean to treat the adults and deprive the kids, especially as they will be able to smell it throughout the house?

I think it's absolutely fair and reasonable to want some adult time without them, but why they wouldn't get any takeaway is beyond me. It seems clear to me that's a big part of why they're hanging around.

OoooohMatron · 19/04/2023 07:25

Seems like a tight arse move to get a takeaway and none for the kids

itsyourletters · 19/04/2023 07:31

It really made me laugh that your 'good chat' is 'often discussing our teenagers'

So you want to talk about them behind their backs but you don't want to treat them as human beings and engage with them 🤣🤣

FOAD37 · 19/04/2023 07:32

@TheOrigRights Will you be my mum please? You sound lovely!

ShandyQuaffer · 19/04/2023 07:36

It’s up to the host. If you know that at X’s house teens often join the table, you can choose not to go. You don’t get to dictate who’s allowed to be there in someone else’s house.

FWIW I do think you’re being a bit negative- we often have meals with friends where all our teens join (properly, not just for leftovers) and it’s lovely. But that’s obviously up to you and a question of personal choice. At your house you set the rules. At your friend’s house she does.

ifonly4 · 19/04/2023 07:39

In these circumstances my friends would buy extra for anyone else in the house that wanted it. Mind you, most of my friends over order and there's plenty left, so it'd be a good thing if someone else in the house helped out. Obviously I'd be going to see my friends, but I actually enjoy seeing their DC for a while, all are polite, will engage in conversation and it's good to hear what they're up to or have a chat in general.

TheOrigRights · 19/04/2023 07:43

FOAD37 · 19/04/2023 07:32

@TheOrigRights Will you be my mum please? You sound lovely!

Are you being sarcastic?

RosesAndHellebores · 19/04/2023 07:47

I'm assuming the teens come home from.school starving and are fed then. However, teens can almost always eat another full meal two to three hours later.

I think it's lovely the teens drop by to say hello and have a bit of social chit chat. Mine would have done the same but it would have been quite clear that they weren't expected to join the table on a mum's night. However, they would have had free range to order their own takeaway and it would have been suggested.

The issue is that the teens aren't being ordered for and that's a bit low.

KikaMellon · 19/04/2023 07:49

If it was me hosting I'd buy a pizza for the kids and take to their rooms and tell them I'm having a night in with some friends and to shout if they need anything.

I don't agree with the consensus on here that kids / teens can take over the "communal" areas of the house whenever they want because it's their home. Yes it is but I am also the home owner and the person who pays the mortgage/bills. I am also the person who pays a bloody fortune to keep their rooms kitted out with the latest gadgets, consoles, TVs etc so that they have their own space to be in with everything they need. So I won't feel guilty at saying I'm using the living room tonight and I don't want to be disturbed.