..to really not want teenagers at the table

[NoCatsToday]

..but unable to explain why without being a grinch.

I have teenagers, all my friends have teenagers. This means we no longer need babysitters to go out which is great.

Occasionally one of my friendship group will suggest sharing a takeaway at one of our houses instead of going out. I need to emphasise that it isn't a cost issue. It's just a 'life's easier at home' issue.

I really really hate it when we are sitting around having a good chat, often discussing our teenagers, when these teenagers descend and start picking at our food before we've even finished. I go so far as to ban my own teenagers from appearing on the rare occasion that I am hosting in this scenario. This food picking only happens if we have a takeaway. They steer clear of 'normal' food.

I haven't said anything because the friendship group is precious to me. However the thought of it is starting to eat me up and spoil my potential enjoyment of any evening.

So AIBU and a grinch or should I say something and if so, what?

I do get it, I would feel the same. Sometimes we visit eachothers houses and the kids are pretty much all teens too, nosey and will come to say hello and if we had food defo to steal it. But after this are usually told, off you go then. If they hung around it would annoy me too. As you say we are often talking about them, it's our space to chat.

However in this scenario I would suggest that you just go out to eat instead. If it's not a cost issue, just go out then this won't happen. I think it's ok to suggest you all go out so you have space away from teens. If you are worried about being rude maybe simply say we all deserve a break and so this js the best way. If it was my friends I'd just say I need a break away from all children let's go out! They'd likely agree, haha

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing I wasn’t making a direct comparison to evening takeaway/drinks. I don’t like socialising with my children during the day. At toddler friendly times. My life and attention constantly has to pivot onto my children. I don’t want my socialising time taken up by them.

is everyone merged with their children?

I sort of agree with you OP & we have teens as our friends.

We don't do takeaway when we go to each others houses but we do cook dinner & when friends come to us our teen comes down to get food & sticks around for a few mins to say hello & goes up to their room after that.

It's the same with most of our friends & I love to see the kids who we've known since they were babies.

But we've one set of parents who let their not v sociable 15 year old son sit all night with us & I hate it. He's a nice enough kid but it's hard work & it really does change the dynamic. He has 2 sisters & they flit in& out which is fine but he plonks himself at the table & that it - he's there!,

Just start talking loudly about sex, or the menopause or something equally ‘embarrassing.’ They’ll soon run away.

Just raise how it's not fair the teenies have to come down and pinch food, so why don't we buy a dish or two for them and banish them to their rooms so we can have adult talk in peace?!

Surely if they're good friends you can say that and if yhey don't agree you can accept their views too?

I love it when all the teenagers descend and join us. They are lovely and amusing and interesting and great.
I think you are a grinch. They don’t be around for much longer and then you will miss them!

I’m completely with you OP. We have friends with DC the same age as ours - all older teens. We’ve always done takeaways at each others houses and when the DC’s were young they’d have pizza or McDonald’s in the other room and we’d have a reasonably peaceful night in the kitchen.

Now DCs are older they get the same takeaway as us, and their teens, whichever house we’re at, spend the entire night with us. They aren’t particularly well mannered. Wipe greasy hands on my nice furniture, my table got scratched last time when they kept banging stuff on it, they take huge portions of all the nice food and completely domineer the conversation. My DCs, if they happen to be around, eat and disappear off to do their own thing.

It really puts me off seeing my friends, but they seem to love their teens taking over our night. I keep suggesting going out but they never seem keen.

I love my teenager. He is amusing and interesting and great.
I don't want to wish his life away.

I am also a lone parent and am finally getting some time away from him, which is healthy for both of us.
I love when he has his mates round and we spend a bit of time together when they're in the kitchen or coming and going.
I can now leave him alone for quite long periods. I could not have done so only a year ago. It was easier to see friends at my own home and my friends were/are happy to accommodate this. Preferring to spend a single evening every couple of months with someone other than him does not make me a grinch or selfish or that I dislike my child.
I'm not going to ban him from coming down to say hello and get snacks and a drink, but he absolutely knows and appreciates that time with my friends is important - it does him good to see his Mum having fun.

It's not actually an issue anyway, as he spends most of the evening in his room so I'm hardly banishing him.

Yeah this is a mad idea.

Personally, I don’t think you are being unreasonable to not want them joining in. I have two toddlers and a teen - their presence each changes the conversation in different ways just as any other unexpected guest’s arrival would. It’s not unreasonable to want dedicated time with your friends.

That said, either it matters enough to say something or it doesn’t.

I’d simply tell them next time it comes up to be at someone’s house “You know, I don’t feel quite as free to say what’s on my mind when the kids are around. Can we go out instead? Or maybe throw all our kids together with food in another room? I can host.”

What age are these teens? 'Older teens' to me means 16+ and I find it strange that they're brought along if they're that sort of age. Surely they're old enough to be left at home especially when they're as annoying as you say and it doesn't sound like your own teenagers have much to do with them?

THIS!!

Dont see how anyone could argue with this!

most teens would not like it if their parents and their mates gatecrashed their evening and pinched all their food, so why should op?

i know on mumsnet you’re supposed to be indulgent and tolerant of teens all the time however they behave but outside of mumsnet it’s ok to have boundaries, adult only time and to teach them about respect

@RichardsGear yep, 16+ DC’s were friends when they were younger but not so much anymore. Mine are rarely about on Saturday nights anyway but theirs always are.

Do the teens grab and run?

i think it’s really unreasonable to not buy the teenagers a takeaway too.

I get what the op is saying - many seem to be missing the point. 5 friends put too for a takeaway then the hosts teens ( who weren’t included when ordering) come in & help themselves so not enough for the people who have ordered. If we have ever done this then then you include them & the parent of teen pays their share & orders accordingly. They eat as much as adults.

They’re teenagers if there’s someone in the house with takeaway food they will want some.

I’m with you, OP.

it’s like adults aren’t allowed the choice in this scenario.

I have a group of friends where one of their 20 year old kids wants to socialise with the adults. We are all in our 50s.

people too polite to say no, focus shifts to the young person, we can’t talk freely. Their parents think it’s lovely. Everyone else hates it. Doesn’t help that said 20 year old is incredibly self absorbed.

recently it blew up because one couple invited another couple to dinner. All fine, except they then invited a second couple without mentioning it. The wife of the second couple was away, so rather than decline or rearrange, the husband asked if he could bring this daughter instead. Hosts agreed without checking with everyone else and presented it as fait accompli.

daughter is really hard work due to self absorption.

Other couple pulled out when they realised, (the dd really is that bad) leaving the hosts and the man and his daughter on what was supposed to be the hosts plus another couple.

People in their 50s generally don’t want to socialise with their friends teenagers.

My teens tend to make themselves scarce at our dinner parties. But I'll see one with a friend slinking about and I laugh and tell them to please get some food, and they don't need to be sneaky about it at all. I'm not mean with food; we have tons of leftovers. And one has a particular friend with a very plain, normal diet at home. It's fun to make sure he gets to try all the particulars we are serving, like varieties of cheese, fancy desserts. He had his first panini at ours. 😝

They don't hang around because they are much more amusing company to each other than the 'boomers and karens'

What @Jabiru has described would be awful but we're not talking about the teens hijacking the whole night are we?

More like smelling the takeaway, popping in and making enough conversation to seem polite and like they're not only there to steal the food.

It wouldn’t bother me but why not next time suggest: “shall we order extra to stop the little fuckers coming in and stealing our food and interrupting our fun?!”

I'd bung them £20 to go and buy their own fast food.

Certainly would not want boring, self opinionated teenagers hanging with me all night. I agree some parents just don't get that their kids are not the sparkling wonderful beings they think they are.

And most normal teenagers don't want to hang with adults all night long. We had one couple friend who brought their kids along and they sat their dominating the conversation with their ill-informed crap and it was tedious as fuck.

Once when my SILs wanted to remove the young people from the dining room, they started talking in loud and intimate detail about menopause symptoms. The effect was immediate.

Do the teens actually stay for long though? I would have thought they would descend, hoover up a pizza, and stay just long enough exchanging pleasantries to seem polite and pretend that they didn't just appear for the pizza.

If they seem inclined to hang around longer than you want after they've eaten, you could introduce a topic of conversation calculated to drive them away, such as mortgages or proctology exams.