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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so torn regarding having a baby on my own?

103 replies

Frankenweenie · 17/04/2023 19:54

Name changed for this one. I have a lovely son, age 4, about to go to school. I don't want a relationship. I've been single since he was born and absolutely love being a lone parent. I'm good financially, I live in a lovely house which I've made my own, have a good job, and lots of family support. I love my life. I really, really would love another child, possibly two but not thought too far ahead yet. I've been toying with the idea of sperm donation. I'd love to do it, but the only thing stopping me is the worry that a child could grow up to be affected by the way they were conceived. Is it ethical? Is it really OK to do this? I'm so torn. I want another biological child but don't want to if they're going to potentially be traumatised by the mere fact that they exist. It sounds awfully dramatic but I feel like a lot of people don't think about this side of things. Does anyone have an opinion on it?

OP posts:
Golaz · 17/04/2023 19:59

If you are concerned about the idea of sperm donation, What about co-parenting?

Original poster
Frankenweenie · 17/04/2023 20:00

Golaz · 17/04/2023 19:59

If you are concerned about the idea of sperm donation, What about co-parenting?

Co parenting with who though? It takes a long time to get to know someone. I wouldn't want to co parent with someone I didn't 100% trust to be a good father. I've learnt this from bitter experience.

OP posts:
SnackSizeRaisin · 17/04/2023 20:06

My opinion is that it's unethical to deliberately deprive a child of a father (or mother) and the child will probably have lifelong issues as a result.

You will probably get loads of people on here telling you to just go for it though.

A friend of mine has a child by sperm donor, she's a single mum by choice. Her child is now 2 and asking about his daddy. It's heartbreaking. Not only does he have no dad, he has no grandparents or any family on that side or even photos to look at or stories about them.

I know that lots of children end up with absent fathers through various circumstances. But what sort of mother would deliberately choose that for their child? Doesn't seem very loving.

Thescriptures · 17/04/2023 20:18

Imo it is unethical and I would actively encourage you to listen to the part of you that already knows this rather than act completely selfishly a ignore what deep down you seem to know to be true. The fact you are asking tells me you know this.

Sadly I think you will be encourage by the majority of people on mumsnet.

usererror99 · 17/04/2023 20:25

SnackSizeRaisin · 17/04/2023 20:06

My opinion is that it's unethical to deliberately deprive a child of a father (or mother) and the child will probably have lifelong issues as a result.

You will probably get loads of people on here telling you to just go for it though.

A friend of mine has a child by sperm donor, she's a single mum by choice. Her child is now 2 and asking about his daddy. It's heartbreaking. Not only does he have no dad, he has no grandparents or any family on that side or even photos to look at or stories about them.

I know that lots of children end up with absent fathers through various circumstances. But what sort of mother would deliberately choose that for their child? Doesn't seem very loving.

This

But I find most people who post about this sort of thing go ahead and do it anyway because they'll always prioritise their own wants and needs and self entitlement over anything else

ReadtheReviews · 17/04/2023 20:30

I believe in the UK you find out the donor at 18?
I sort of agree with other posters in that willingly depriving someone of a parent is bad. But also, was very close to going that route myself.I asked gay male friends if they were interested, I went on coparenting websites and entertained the idea of one or two.
In the book 'Knock Yourself Up' the author says, another option that single women very keen to conceive take is plumping for a passive partner. That's what happened to me in the end. I dated Mr Nice, against type and we were both very keen on children. It obviously didnt work romantically, but I am glad they have a Dad. Im not at all suggesting you do this, more that, all options are kind of shit!
Another anecdote- former boss had three female friends who had all gone the donor route. And all of their children had inherited conditions that clearly hadnt been confessed by the presumably, three separate donors.
It is hard OP. Would you consider adoption at all?

RoxanaRoxana · 17/04/2023 20:36

I agree with those saying it’s awful to deliberately deprive a child of a father (to me it’s similar to using a surrogate to have a baby without a clear mother figure).

WindyWends · 17/04/2023 20:38

I grew up without a father and it's definitely affected me in life.

I would say not to do it, but that's not to say that's the right decision.

I'm sure you're an amazing mum x

girljulian · 17/04/2023 20:41

I’m shocked by some of the posters above. Do you therefore think it’s not good for lesbian mums to conceive a child using a donor?

drpet49 · 17/04/2023 20:41

Thescriptures · 17/04/2023 20:18

Imo it is unethical and I would actively encourage you to listen to the part of you that already knows this rather than act completely selfishly a ignore what deep down you seem to know to be true. The fact you are asking tells me you know this.

Sadly I think you will be encourage by the majority of people on mumsnet.

I fully agree with this.

PippaF2 · 17/04/2023 20:42

Perhaps see if you can find a Facebook group, or forum of people who have done this or people who were conceived via a sperm donor.

Try and get a sense of how they really feel about it.

I think you really need to speak to people who have lived the experience.

Mum2jenny · 17/04/2023 20:44

Sperm donor from a mate? Would that work for you??

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/04/2023 20:46

I wouldn’t worry about it so much in terms of ethics. Between all the different family set ups, circumstances, sizes, structures, finances, parental health etc virtually no child has the “perfect on paper” family or childhood and the vast majority of us turn out absolutely fine.

I’d think more along the lines of the capacity to meet the needs of more than one child very different ages and stages and having to balance it on your own with no one to share the load. One child one parent is fairly easy, two of three far less so. And a second child being disabled could throw your entire comfortable lifestyle on its head, particularly since you wouldn’t have the option of one parent staying at home to date whilst the other works as a couple would.

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/04/2023 20:46

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/04/2023 20:46

I wouldn’t worry about it so much in terms of ethics. Between all the different family set ups, circumstances, sizes, structures, finances, parental health etc virtually no child has the “perfect on paper” family or childhood and the vast majority of us turn out absolutely fine.

I’d think more along the lines of the capacity to meet the needs of more than one child very different ages and stages and having to balance it on your own with no one to share the load. One child one parent is fairly easy, two of three far less so. And a second child being disabled could throw your entire comfortable lifestyle on its head, particularly since you wouldn’t have the option of one parent staying at home to date whilst the other works as a couple would.

*staying at home to care

Curiosity101 · 17/04/2023 20:49

I'd worry about how your current DS or hypothetical might feel about eachother. Is DSs father involved with him at all? Could it breed resentment between them?

I agree with a previous poster though. The vast majority of replies on here will be hypothetical opinions. You should go and speak to some people who've done it and see how they feel/how the children have grown up.

CalistoNoSolo · 17/04/2023 20:50

Yes, it's pretty selfish imo. What's the problem with just having the one and giving him the best life possible?

SarahAndQuack · 17/04/2023 20:53

I think the thing that would worry me is that your existing child presumably knows s/he has a male parent out there, and wasn't conceived by sperm donation? I would be slightly concerned about tensions between potential children - might your donor-conceived child(ren) feel they'd missed out? Might your non-donor-conceived child be jealous if and whe your other child(ren) were able to contact their donor parent?

I definitely think you would need to spend some time figuring out how you would discuss this with children. Of course clinics provide mandatory counselling, but you might need to really delve into it.

FWIW (and slightly tongue in cheek!), I do think it's unethical to saddle any child with a father. Many people make the decision to do so, of course, but it's generally a selfish act. Wink

Mrspopper · 17/04/2023 20:55

You sound like a lovely mum. The negative responses here have suprised me. Children need a loving and secure family and it sounds like you are providing that very well for you and your DS. Good luck whatever you decide x

Speedweed · 17/04/2023 20:56

Have a look at the donor conception network, op - they run discussion groups for all types of family, including people in your situation (ie potentially with donor-conceived and non-donor conceived children, as well as being a solo parent with more than one child) which is helpful to chat through pros and cons, and the groups are led by someone in that situation. It's a brilliant organisation.

Agree with the @ComtesseDeSpair - the world is big enough to accomodate all sorts of families, and there is no right or wrong set up - it's about the needs of the kids being met. A mummy, a daddy and a wedding ring are no guarantee of anything.

HappyHedgehog247 · 17/04/2023 21:02

You might want to explore the donor conceived network if you haven’t already and check out the donor page on here as well as some sites such as pollentree. In a perfect world a child might have two loving parents, but what matters most is love and secure attachment plus lack of deprivation. It sounds like you can offer all these things. Is the parent of DC1 an option as a donor so the DC are full siblings? Is there a friend? Would you consider a passive co-parent who is willing to be known to the child but happy to leave day to day parenting to you?

Genevie82 · 17/04/2023 21:02

I think this issue is more complicated by already having a DC that knows their paternal identity - maybe not right now but they can explore it in the future and make connections if they wish as an adult even . This could cause difficulties for a half DC that wouldn’t have the same ‘ opportunity’ as a sperm donor may give their details it’s not likely to be any relationship in the future etc - I think that could cause tensions. The ideal would be a passive male friend donating ..

Wittow · 17/04/2023 21:02

What about your son's dad? Is he still around at all?

Cocochai · 17/04/2023 21:02

I’d suggest you’d seek out people who have actually lived the experience to see how they feel- both the parent and child from a donor. Personally I don’t think it’s the right thing to do to deliberately deprive a child of a parent.

I knew a woman a few years ago who was one of the first babies born as a result of donor sperm, not long after Louise Brown (first IVF baby). She was massively emotionally affected by the way she was born and it blighted her life manifesting in depression, anxiety and a feeling of rejection and loss. She had endless counselling relating to her birth and never knowing who her biological father was.

When she was born, as I understand it, records were not kept of donors meaning she has no official route to track down her biological father, although via Ancestry DNA she did find two people who would be a close relative (but they denied knowing anything). I know it’s different these days with how records are kept and you can find your bio father at 18, but it would be a no from me. Sometimes you have to come to terms with your life and be grateful for what you already have.

Original poster
Frankenweenie · 17/04/2023 21:02

Thanks everyone. My son's dad has no part in his life. This is for the best and has been determined by the courts. My ideal would be to co parent with a gay couple, but again would worry about how id even go about this, and also that my existing son would feel left out. I'm only thinking about options at the moment but my gut is telling me not to, so I don't think ultimately I will.

OP posts:
Choccyeggs20 · 17/04/2023 21:03

I’m not sure tbh. I think it’ll be very hard on your four year old. It’s hard enough bringing a new baby into the family when you already have a child….less time and attention for your existing child and sometime lots of jealously issues, and yes that’s hard enough when you have a partner.

Given you’re a single parent, how will your boy feel when you’re giving so much attention to the baby. Will his dad be around to help compensate for this?

Will you manage the sleepless nights with the baby and look after your existing child by yourself? Lots of people have to do this because they don’t have a choice, but you’re actively choosing this.

Lots to think about. It will be very hard and also affect your existing child.