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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so torn regarding having a baby on my own?

103 replies

Frankenweenie · 17/04/2023 19:54

Name changed for this one. I have a lovely son, age 4, about to go to school. I don't want a relationship. I've been single since he was born and absolutely love being a lone parent. I'm good financially, I live in a lovely house which I've made my own, have a good job, and lots of family support. I love my life. I really, really would love another child, possibly two but not thought too far ahead yet. I've been toying with the idea of sperm donation. I'd love to do it, but the only thing stopping me is the worry that a child could grow up to be affected by the way they were conceived. Is it ethical? Is it really OK to do this? I'm so torn. I want another biological child but don't want to if they're going to potentially be traumatised by the mere fact that they exist. It sounds awfully dramatic but I feel like a lot of people don't think about this side of things. Does anyone have an opinion on it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Frankenweenie · 17/04/2023 21:04

HappyHedgehog247 · 17/04/2023 21:02

You might want to explore the donor conceived network if you haven’t already and check out the donor page on here as well as some sites such as pollentree. In a perfect world a child might have two loving parents, but what matters most is love and secure attachment plus lack of deprivation. It sounds like you can offer all these things. Is the parent of DC1 an option as a donor so the DC are full siblings? Is there a friend? Would you consider a passive co-parent who is willing to be known to the child but happy to leave day to day parenting to you?

A passive Co parent would be the ideal scenario but how on earth do you find one?

OP posts:
Original poster
Frankenweenie · 17/04/2023 21:06

Choccyeggs20 · 17/04/2023 21:03

I’m not sure tbh. I think it’ll be very hard on your four year old. It’s hard enough bringing a new baby into the family when you already have a child….less time and attention for your existing child and sometime lots of jealously issues, and yes that’s hard enough when you have a partner.

Given you’re a single parent, how will your boy feel when you’re giving so much attention to the baby. Will his dad be around to help compensate for this?

Will you manage the sleepless nights with the baby and look after your existing child by yourself? Lots of people have to do this because they don’t have a choice, but you’re actively choosing this.

Lots to think about. It will be very hard and also affect your existing child.

I don't worry too much about this as my mum is on hand and stays with me 2 nights a week. Mainly because she lives being around my son. My son also stays at my dad's house once a week for a sleepover which he is always hugely excited for. I worry more about emotions and feelings. All very difficult.

OP posts:
carly2803 · 17/04/2023 21:06

honestly you are better having no dad than a shit one - much easier!

Do it OP but i would do it alone, I think co-parenting means your newborn/youngest would be spending time/overnight with their other parent - how would your other child feel then? to me its cruel

go it alone. Im a single mum - im doing ok!

RoseHenley · 17/04/2023 21:07

SnackSizeRaisin · 17/04/2023 20:06

My opinion is that it's unethical to deliberately deprive a child of a father (or mother) and the child will probably have lifelong issues as a result.

You will probably get loads of people on here telling you to just go for it though.

A friend of mine has a child by sperm donor, she's a single mum by choice. Her child is now 2 and asking about his daddy. It's heartbreaking. Not only does he have no dad, he has no grandparents or any family on that side or even photos to look at or stories about them.

I know that lots of children end up with absent fathers through various circumstances. But what sort of mother would deliberately choose that for their child? Doesn't seem very loving.

I agree with everything that is written here

shutthewindownow · 17/04/2023 21:09

It's not very fair to purposely deprive your child of a father. I think that would affect them as they got older

RunningFromInsanity · 17/04/2023 21:09

I can’t see how it’s any different from the set up with your current child tbh.
I would go for it, you clearly have the lifestyle to support another child.

Original poster
Frankenweenie · 17/04/2023 21:09

carly2803 · 17/04/2023 21:06

honestly you are better having no dad than a shit one - much easier!

Do it OP but i would do it alone, I think co-parenting means your newborn/youngest would be spending time/overnight with their other parent - how would your other child feel then? to me its cruel

go it alone. Im a single mum - im doing ok!

But then is choosing to not have another at all the better alternative to potentially having a child who is emotionally troubled because of how they were conceived? The more I write about it the more I feel uncomfortable about it. Thanks for all of the honest feedback it is much appreciated.

OP posts:
Twinedpeaks · 17/04/2023 21:11

But what sort of mother would deliberately choose that for their child? Doesn't seem very loving

But you could flip that and say "what sort of mother would prevent their child from existing?". It's not a choice between give that same child a dad or not. It's exist or not

Original poster
Frankenweenie · 17/04/2023 21:11

RunningFromInsanity · 17/04/2023 21:09

I can’t see how it’s any different from the set up with your current child tbh.
I would go for it, you clearly have the lifestyle to support another child.

The current set up with my son isn't exactly the best. I thought my partner was lovely, until I got pregnant and he started losing his temper, it was a horrible pregnancy, then he was arrested when he assaulted my son. I left the same day, literally packed a bag and left and haven't seen him since. He has tried to get access and the courts put an order in place and he is not allowed contact of any form. This is partly why I also don't want a relationship. You can think you know someone but you really don't.

OP posts:
Whinge · 17/04/2023 21:11

SnackSizeRaisin · 17/04/2023 20:06

My opinion is that it's unethical to deliberately deprive a child of a father (or mother) and the child will probably have lifelong issues as a result.

You will probably get loads of people on here telling you to just go for it though.

A friend of mine has a child by sperm donor, she's a single mum by choice. Her child is now 2 and asking about his daddy. It's heartbreaking. Not only does he have no dad, he has no grandparents or any family on that side or even photos to look at or stories about them.

I know that lots of children end up with absent fathers through various circumstances. But what sort of mother would deliberately choose that for their child? Doesn't seem very loving.

Another one who agrees with this. I know a child in what could be the OPs situation. They have an older sibling who spends time with their dad and wider paternal family, and although the child is young it's already having an impact as they often ask about their daddy. Sad

Original poster
Frankenweenie · 17/04/2023 21:13

I'm so anxious about the whole thing and find myself tearful as I feel a real pull towards being a mum again. But I know I'm not entitled to be. I'd love my son to have a sibling, but ultimately maybe it's just not meant to be.

OP posts:
CleverLilViper · 17/04/2023 21:18

I'm really not sure about the ethics of it.

I could probably understand a little bit more if you didn't already have a child and were single but at an age where getting pregnant naturally may prove difficult.

As far as I'm aware there's different types of sperm donors. There's closed-where no information of the donor gets passed on-and there's open-where information does get passed on.

There's a woman on IG who has gone this route and her sperm donor was open-and she's shared information about the baby with the sperm donor and his family and vice versa. So they're not entirely strangers anymore.

You do need to think about the ramifications this could have on your DS and also on any children you conceive through this method. Willingly depriving a child of their father seems a little selfish-however, there are lots of conventionally conceived children who never see their dads at all (through the dad's choice) and grow up to be perfectly fine and well-adjusted. It'll all come down to how you handle it.

GobbieMaggie · 17/04/2023 21:20

Thescriptures · 17/04/2023 20:18

Imo it is unethical and I would actively encourage you to listen to the part of you that already knows this rather than act completely selfishly a ignore what deep down you seem to know to be true. The fact you are asking tells me you know this.

Sadly I think you will be encourage by the majority of people on mumsnet.

Totally agree with this. It’s just wrong.

Shamoo · 17/04/2023 21:21

Is this intended to kick off another horrible discussion OP? Is that why it’s in Aibu? I ask because if you spend much time on the site you will have probably seen other discussions like this where people come out to tell those who have used a donor what horrific human beings they are, and how they have ruined their kids lives’ before they are born.
There but for the grace of god, and all that.
If you want to have an actual meaningful discussion on it you would be better on the conception and infertility boards.

SBHon · 17/04/2023 21:23

girljulian · 17/04/2023 20:41

I’m shocked by some of the posters above. Do you therefore think it’s not good for lesbian mums to conceive a child using a donor?

I’m shocked by this too.

Do you feel lesbian couples shouldn’t have children @SnackSizeRaisin @Thescriptures @usererror99 @Whinge @shutthewindownow @RoseHenley ?

VestaTilley · 17/04/2023 21:25

I’m afraid I think it’s really unethical, sorry. Deliberately bringing a child in to the world who will only have one parent and never have a hope of knowing their Father is not a gamble I would take. I don’t believe in playing with human lives like that, not just to fulfil adult desires.

Original poster
Frankenweenie · 17/04/2023 21:25

Shamoo · 17/04/2023 21:21

Is this intended to kick off another horrible discussion OP? Is that why it’s in Aibu? I ask because if you spend much time on the site you will have probably seen other discussions like this where people come out to tell those who have used a donor what horrific human beings they are, and how they have ruined their kids lives’ before they are born.
There but for the grace of god, and all that.
If you want to have an actual meaningful discussion on it you would be better on the conception and infertility boards.

The donor conception board is so, so quiet. I assure you I have no hidden agenda but happy to report my post and asked it to be moved. If anything I just wanted some honest opinions. It's a big decision and I don't want to be lulled into a false sense of what I'm considering is totally fine when actually the implications are bigger than I may have realised.

OP posts:
SBHon · 17/04/2023 21:31

Cocochai · 17/04/2023 21:02

I’d suggest you’d seek out people who have actually lived the experience to see how they feel- both the parent and child from a donor. Personally I don’t think it’s the right thing to do to deliberately deprive a child of a parent.

I knew a woman a few years ago who was one of the first babies born as a result of donor sperm, not long after Louise Brown (first IVF baby). She was massively emotionally affected by the way she was born and it blighted her life manifesting in depression, anxiety and a feeling of rejection and loss. She had endless counselling relating to her birth and never knowing who her biological father was.

When she was born, as I understand it, records were not kept of donors meaning she has no official route to track down her biological father, although via Ancestry DNA she did find two people who would be a close relative (but they denied knowing anything). I know it’s different these days with how records are kept and you can find your bio father at 18, but it would be a no from me. Sometimes you have to come to terms with your life and be grateful for what you already have.

Things have changed drastically since this time.

There’s a study somewhere, it may be on the donor network, that basically says that on the whole children who grew up in stable, happy homes and who were aware of the fact they were conceived by donor grow up to be happy adults.

Obviously there are issues, as there are in many paths of life. In this situation issues seem to come from secrecy/shock reveals and, as in Louise’s case, from the children not being able to access any details of their donor.

Coffeellama · 17/04/2023 21:40

Frankenweenie · 17/04/2023 21:04

A passive Co parent would be the ideal scenario but how on earth do you find one?

Show quote history

A passive coparent is just a crap parent that’s disinterested in their child and will likely teach their child that they never really wanted them and they don’t matter. And your existing child would be disadvantaged as they don’t even have that. You need to think about what would be best for both children, not you and what suits you most to reduce any guilt. Same with a gay couple, how would that help the kid? Are you happy to share 50/50 custody of your child, because why would the other parents not want 50/50? And how would your son feel that their sibling has 2 dads and he has none? If you are going to go for it, don’t hide under ‘ethics’ that suit you, do what’s actually best for both children’s development.

SBHon · 17/04/2023 21:42

https://www.wearedonorconceived.com/2020-survey-top/10-highlights-from-the-2020-we-are-donor-conceived-survey/
And this one too is interesting. We Are Donor Conceived do so much research into how the (now adult) children are. The main message for happiness is be clear and honest with the child and make sure they have the opportunity to know about their donor (ie no anonymous donors).

Original poster
Frankenweenie · 17/04/2023 21:42

Coffeellama · 17/04/2023 21:40

A passive coparent is just a crap parent that’s disinterested in their child and will likely teach their child that they never really wanted them and they don’t matter. And your existing child would be disadvantaged as they don’t even have that. You need to think about what would be best for both children, not you and what suits you most to reduce any guilt. Same with a gay couple, how would that help the kid? Are you happy to share 50/50 custody of your child, because why would the other parents not want 50/50? And how would your son feel that their sibling has 2 dads and he has none? If you are going to go for it, don’t hide under ‘ethics’ that suit you, do what’s actually best for both children’s development.

Show quote history

Thank you, and everyone else who has commented. There's a lot to unpick and a lot I haven't thought about. I doubt I would have got these responses on another board.

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 17/04/2023 21:49

girljulian · 17/04/2023 20:41

I’m shocked by some of the posters above. Do you therefore think it’s not good for lesbian mums to conceive a child using a donor?

In two cases I know the Lesbian mums used a Gay donor.
He initially wanted nothing to do with the DC.. But is a better dad to the children than many divorced dads.
The DC are post Uni now.
They know both sides of their family.
It has been a success because their dad has been in their lives constantly.

lochmaree · 17/04/2023 21:49

aw bless you @Frankenweenie you sound lovely. I dont have any real advice but interested in other responses as my SIL is a single parent by choice with a sperm donor. She wants a second too but unlike yourself does not currently fully financially or practically support the baby she has (her parents have stepped in and do not feel able to now stop providing the significant support they give her as they believe it will cause disadvantage/harm to the baby)

Coffeellama · 17/04/2023 21:54

Frankenweenie · 17/04/2023 21:42

Thank you, and everyone else who has commented. There's a lot to unpick and a lot I haven't thought about. I doubt I would have got these responses on another board.

Show quote history

I’m glad you’ve taken it well! Many ask for opinions but then don’t actually want to hear them. If you do go ahead, I think straight sperm doner is the best way, then both kids have 1 parent but the option to track their dad down one day. I’m not sure if I agree with it or not to be honest, it’s such a personal choice. But it absolutely shouldn’t disadvantage either kid.