to be so torn regarding having a baby on my own?

[Frankenweenie]

Name changed for this one. I have a lovely son, age 4, about to go to school. I don't want a relationship. I've been single since he was born and absolutely love being a lone parent. I'm good financially, I live in a lovely house which I've made my own, have a good job, and lots of family support. I love my life. I really, really would love another child, possibly two but not thought too far ahead yet. I've been toying with the idea of sperm donation. I'd love to do it, but the only thing stopping me is the worry that a child could grow up to be affected by the way they were conceived. Is it ethical? Is it really OK to do this? I'm so torn. I want another biological child but don't want to if they're going to potentially be traumatised by the mere fact that they exist. It sounds awfully dramatic but I feel like a lot of people don't think about this side of things. Does anyone have an opinion on it?

Ah the old chestnut. If I had a pound for every time I’d been asked that…

It’s a pointless question. And not one you’d pose to a child conceived to an abusive parent, for example.

Such an easy card to throw isn't it?!

I don't believe lesbians or people of any sexual orientation should have a child via sperm donation. I don't believe it is ethical to have ivf either. Guess what... I'm bisexual! I have spent more time in same sex relationships than in hetero ones and this is my opinion. Does that make me homophobic?! Of course not. You have to be really very simple to not be able to grasp that.
Or perhaps you do understand it but use that card to lazily shut people up. So which is it?

But lesbian Mums are giving their children 2 pairs of grandparents. I know several lesbian Mums and, most of them, conceived remotely from the fathers, but the fathers are available if the child wants to know their father. Some fathers are actively in the children's lives. This is very different to having one known parent with no idea as to who their father is.

It is a pointless question. If I had never been conceived I would be none the wiser about it.

One does not deny existence to a child by not conceiving one.

Well said

This is my opinion too sorry.

Im guessing not because your mum used a donner? But because your dad wasn't interested? (Sorry to be blunt, mines the same).

The big difference is. Having a father that wasnt interested/abandoned his child. Vs a child that was so wanted and born into a 1 parent household, but also part of a larger supportive family network.

You’re trying to say you’re not homophobic because you’re including heterosexual couples. That means, if you had your way, a small percentage of heterosexuals and 100% of lesbians wouldn’t be able to use sperm donation.

You might be interested to know the NHS IVF policy used to be exactly the same: they wouldn’t fund the use of sperm donor IVF for heterosexuals or lesbians.
…until they realised it was blatant homophobic discrimination and changed their policy.

It's not though. The outcome is still the same (if anything worse as it's known and guaranteed), no father

I think it's fine, and would have done the same in your shoes. I definitely wanted my first to have a sibling and in a way it's easier to do it the way you are thinking of than involving another adult. The downsides of course are lack of father figure, and that you will solely and fully responsible.

Someone I know decided to have another child with her ex in a similar situation. It was frankly disasterous and led to a full breakdown of the ok-ish coparenting relationship they had with their first.

PMSL you are seriously telling me I'm homophobic!!!! Im sat here with my lesbian bestie as I type this. God you have given us a good laugh thank you; I needed that!!!! Bless your heart....

This is the same NHS that promotes trans ideology and the sterilisation of children? Yes?

Oh well i suppose if the NHS says so then you win this argument.🙄

I was waiting for the ‘my best friend is a lesbian’ comment.https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/I%27m_not_racist,_I_have_black_friends

We obviously disagree. You keep your opinion, if you like, and I’ll keep mine. My main point to the OP was to look into studies to find opinions from donor conceived children because at the end of the day neither of our opposing opinions are what matters; it’s her child/rens future opinions that are important.

It doesn't sound like the best of ideas.

And I have no idea why some think having a sibling is always a good thing. It can be a bit luck of the draw but I had destructive ones. On the other hand you hear of some lovely sibling relationships on here.

The black People can be racist line was wholly predictable.

Yawn.

You are right though that neither our opinions matter. Nice 'chatting' with you. 🤗

If the father isn't going to have anything to do with the child from the offset, no.

Nobody has the right to have a child.

I never thought I'd wade in to such a discussion but here's my two penn'orth.

A lesbian (or gay) couple, fundamentally, cannot biologically conceive a child without help from a donation from the opposite sex. And said child would only be genetically related to one of the couple. There's nothing wrong with the biology, there's no medical intervention available that can change this, it is just a fact that a lesbian couple cannot conceive their own child. Should they seek a donor, and the child enquire about their father in the future, they will have no answers other than 'we did this (ie deprive you of a father) in order to satisfy our own needs'.

A heterosexual couple fundamentally CAN conceive, and if there are faults with the biology, there can be medical interventions which will make conception possible. The grey area remains as to the nature of the donor/donation as well, I suppose, as the 'we did this to have a baby', but the fact remains that there is usually something wrong in the biology that is preventing conception, not that it is impossible (as in the case of lesbian parents).

I say that coming from a position of my own dad not being around much, and likewise my kids dad has reduced contact to Xmas and birthdays, so I see the impact that a missing dad has on people.

In OP's case, she only has sole care of her dc 4 nights a week. She can support her current dc. Adding another without another parent around is going to put pressure on her, both her parents, and inevitably reduce the time, emotion and cold hard cash available to the existing dc. Before you ask the inevitable question of 'why don't I have a daddy like everyone else?'

Have you considered adopting instead?

why don't I have a daddy like everyone else?'
But ‘everyone else’ doesn’t have a daddy.

Life isn’t made up of neat little nuclear families, as you know. Children see other children living in all sorts of families: children who live with their nan, have same sex parents, single parent families, foster families, children who had a dickhead dad in the past who has fucked off. Etc etc.

Or maybe that’s just my experience.

You can be bisexual and still homophobic. It's called internalised homophobia.

And just cos your ~lesbian bestie~ agrees with you, doesn't make it not homophobia.

I’m on the fence on sperm donation. I think adult donor conceived people are the most qualified to speak on it and their opinions should probably hold more weight than anyone else’s.

However I don't think those against it for reasons related to ethical concerns for the rights of the child are homophobic. I’ve heard that said about people who are against surrogacy too. Rights of different groups have to be balanced sometimes.
Also if someone is against sperm donation that applies to anyone, not just same sex couples, and it doesn’t mean they have an issues with homosexual couples having children through others means.

Everyone. EVERYONE has a daddy.

Some are present and amazing. Some are present and awful. Some aren't present but desperately want to be, some are absent, but the child is aware of them, for better or worse.

That's on the fella himself.

VOr sometimes the mum, if she excludes him from the child's life. What op is suggesting is to completely exclude half of her dc's genetic history from her potential child's life. To prevent them from knowing half of their life (again, for better or worse). Not because her body doesn't work and needs help to conceive, but because she is actively choosing to exclude a father from her child's life. That child will be daddy-less for 18 years, likely longer. There will be no second parent (of either sex) to support her, to support thee child.

Would I hurt my child to take away half of their physical being? Never in a million years. Op is chosing to take away half heer child's emotional being, their sense of self, of wholeness, of completeness, by chosing to do this.

Agreed. My best friend has done it, and her daughter is so lucky to have her as a mum, she is so loved.

No. I don’t agree with gay men doing it either. That’s just my personal opinion. I had IVF, some people don’t agree with that.

I'm definitely not homophobic. Its not internalised or anything else. I simply don't think sperm donation or assisted fertility or ivf is ethical. That doesn't equate to homophobia. But its so easy to silence people who have different standards or values than you with the homophobic card.

Everyone has a biological father, not everyone has a daddy.

And as you’re quoting me I obviously wasn’t trying to say that men are not a part of procreation. I was responding to a PP who said what if the child says “why don’t I have a daddy like everyone else?”. I was saying that the child will look around them and will see that not everyone else has a ‘daddy’ present, just like them.