To ask if you’d consider me a failure? Be honest.

[Ladybirdshere]

I met with friends on Saturday I’ve been friends with for around 10 years. We are very close, meeting up twice a month on average and share things about our life.

Well Saturday turned out to be a sort of intervention for me by my two friends. They said that they wanted to speak to me as they’d been talking and they felt that life was passing me by and that they felt I wasn’t doing much with my life.

l I think this was mainly focused around around boyfriends and living situation as we are all 29, I am single but my friends are both engaged and both have children.

Anyway, would you consider me a failure?

1. I work in advertising for 32k a year
2. I’m well travelled, last year I went travelling around America on my own
3. I can drive and have my own car
4. I have a degree and a masters
5. Ive lived in 4 different cities in the past ten years

but I don’t have

1. a partner, I’ve been single around a three years. I had a really bad breakup and simply haven’t found a new person
2. i recently moved back in with my mum as my finances changed and it meant I couldn’t afford living alone.
3. I don’t have any children

Am I a failure? We sort of agreed to disagree and they said they wanted to just make sure I stayed on the right track :(

You sound amazing!

I really cannot see what they are trying to do, but sounds like you have a great life, a great outlook and you should carry on doing what you want to do.

Fuck them.

I will be your friend.

Jesus. What is it with some women needing a man to somehow validate them?! You're doing just fine, op. As others have said, living with your parents is not a long term solution but I'm sure you know that.

Also, fwiw I have a friend who is single and childless at 44. She's always off visiting lovely places, living life to the full with friends. I am ever so slightly envious! Not that I'd swap my dh and dcs but a part of me wishes I'd travelled more when younger.

You've plenty of time to settle down, if and when that's what you want. I focused in building my career, got married at 30, had first child at 32 and my second at 38.

Have some perspective from an older woman who felt 'on the shelf' at 27, then met and eventually married the man I met at that age.

Nobody judged me but I realise I wanted a secure home and saw what I wanted to see in my EX husband (who put in a good pretence).

Knowing your worth is good. Feeling ok about your choices is good.

Friends who stayed single into their 30s have done 'better' than me in their choice of partner.

I'm single and nearly 50. I have a modest home as divorce (and abusive ex) wrecked me. I have a chronic health condition from a life of stress and single parenthood and career has been hard. I often feel like a failure but I have counselling and work on this.

Drifting is not necessarily a good choice and goals can be useful but as long as it's what you want. You don't have to measure up to some idea from your friends.

Good heavens, OP, are your friends time travellers from the 19th century who believe a woman cannot possibly be leading a meaningful life unless married and having children at regular intervals? You are doing what is right for you at this stage in your life. I’d stage an intervention with your chums called ‘butt out’.

Do not worry about being 'on the shelf'.
Some of the most interesting people I know are single and I'm nearly 50!
I would put it to them that based on your previous experiences being 'off' the shelf, you have become a lot more selective in who you would see as a life partner or someone to share your life with. There is absolutely nothing wrong in doing that. In fact, I honestly think that if more women were more selective in who they selected as a partner, their lives would be a lot better!

Your priority list has been different to theirs. Doesn't make either of them wrong. What does make it wrong is that they think that you should conform to their way to do things, as it's the only way. It's not.

Keep doing what you're doing and live your best life!

Having children is not an achievement - anyone without fertility issues can do it. A junkie that abuses their child can do it. It is not a life achievement. Similarly with getting married - the amount of marriages and relationships that end in divorce/separation means literally anyone can be in a relationship and it means fuck all.

Your career is an achievement. Living independently in 4 cities in 10 years is an achievement. Exploring the world is an achievement. What have your friends done bar lay on their backs and spread their legs?

^ and all that is to say, you’re not a failure. I’d consider you having achieved a hell of a lot more than your friends in this instance.

Good grief they would have an aneurysm if they met me! I'm in a very similar life situation to you and I'm 42. And I can't drive 😂😂 I'm single and have no kids (although I don't want them so it's not an issue for me really)

I would just contact them and say that as an observer, you see their lives to be complete failures, and seeing them has taught you exactly what to avoid.

If you dont want to keep their friendship, then just leave it at that, if you do want to , then say something like....

" This isn't a topic I would have chosen to raise, because I dont want to be judgemental of your life choices, but obviously, I feel far more successful and fulfilled in my situation than I would in yours, so this is probably a subject we are just going to have to agree to disagree on, not discuss, going forward"

Who do your friends think they are? Being married with children isn't the be all and end all! Your life and you should do what makes you happy.
Id say youre very successful
(Im married with children, havent travelled much abroad and dont have a great career (by some standards) but its all chosen by me and im very happy with our lives)
Tell your "friends" to do one and get nicer more supportive and less judgemental ones 😊

They also mentioned the fact I have PCOS and that “having babies is only going to get harder”

You aren't childless. You are child free.

I get very irritated by the narrative that the only aim in life is to have babies.
These mothers are projecting because they can't see beyond their own little lives.

Yes to the second paragraph.

So you’ve had the temerity not to run your life to their plan? Fuck that!

It seems to me like they don’t like the fact that you aren’t affirming their life choices by making the same choices. Maybe they are insecure. Maybe jealous. Definitely insufferable.

😂righty ho.

Sorry, didn't get a chance to read the entire thread but were they simply wanting you to get back out there after this bad breakup?

I have thought this about a couple of friends (I'm single but with children). That the past breakup has really crushed them and they are afraid of starting again. They haven't dated and I've encouraged them because why should these shitty things make them potentially miss out on other experiences like having a relationship or maybe children. And yes, I don't want my friends to wait around till its too late, some are 50 and have wasted 10 years on things like this.

I’m nearly 40 and have always lived alone. My friends have slowly sidelined me because they think I’m a bit weird and am not really interested in going to soft play. I have a lovely time 90% of the time, with the odd lonely patch. As long as you’re happy that’s all that really matters. You made a good financial choice moving home, it’s really none of anyone’s business what path your life takes.

Your only failure would be keeping these two idiots as friends. Get better friends, you are doing just fine, far better than I was at that age.

WTF?

I would have dumped them on the spot.

Find new friends and let these two smug people get on with their tedious, petty little lives.

i am not sure how to vote
yabu for thinking you are a failure
their attitude is appalling.

I think you have a small anxiety about being left on the shelf so now you are questioning yourself. But actually you have achieved so much. However I think your friends are just wanting you to get over the stresses of your relationship breakdown and they want you to have the experiences they have ie partner and children. I don't think they are horrible at all.

Hi OP,
I caught up with an old friend from my 20s the other day. She went the opposite route to me, career focused, got married,, didnt want children. I didnt really ever find a job I loved or stuck at, never married, had children with a nice boyfriend.

We are both, at 40, single, living with one older parent, decided that we wasted far too much time bothering about men who really just drained a lot of our time and energy. She's divorced, I amicably coparent. We both have pets. We both are quite happy in our jobs. Only differences are she is senior, I'm part time. I have children, she doesnt want any. She owns, I rent. The latter is the only thing Id change and will eventually.

Anyway, my point is, pick your priorities yourself, you have no idea what the future holds, just work out what you enjoy and what you would regret not doing and find a balance, regardless of your friends' choices.

Wow they are absolutely out of order. I have a 40 year old friend who lives with family, isn’t in a relationship and never has been. You know what, she’s one of my happiest friends and so content so stuff societal norms.

come back when you’re 40. See if they are still so smug and condescending or have they been divorced, having relationship troubles.

be yourself and don’t worry about their concern!

I haven't read the thread but just wanted to comment as me and my partner have a mutal friend who I'd say is poss depressed and letting life pass him by. He owns his own home, has a good job, a degree, car etc. So although these things are markers of success he's not really living and is letting life pass him by. So I think this can apply even if you have all of these things.

However if it's just about being single they can get in the bin!

Not a failure, Christ!
Not everyone needs or wants to get married and have children, first of all.
If that’s the life you want, you have plenty of time left for that. PCOS doesn’t get worse as you get older, so it’s not like you need to have a baby now or it won’t be possible.
Moving back home to help with your financial health is an excellent move if you’re looking to buy eventually. Work on your credit score, save hard and you’ll be there before you know it. (There an excellent Instagram I follow called howifundthis which is full of advice for saving).
Your friends need a reality check. Settling with another person and having babies means life starts to pass you by - keep experiencing things and live a life that makes you happy!

Nasty