To ask if you’d consider me a failure? Be honest.

[Ladybirdshere]

I met with friends on Saturday I’ve been friends with for around 10 years. We are very close, meeting up twice a month on average and share things about our life.

Well Saturday turned out to be a sort of intervention for me by my two friends. They said that they wanted to speak to me as they’d been talking and they felt that life was passing me by and that they felt I wasn’t doing much with my life.

l I think this was mainly focused around around boyfriends and living situation as we are all 29, I am single but my friends are both engaged and both have children.

Anyway, would you consider me a failure?

1. I work in advertising for 32k a year
2. I’m well travelled, last year I went travelling around America on my own
3. I can drive and have my own car
4. I have a degree and a masters
5. Ive lived in 4 different cities in the past ten years

but I don’t have

1. a partner, I’ve been single around a three years. I had a really bad breakup and simply haven’t found a new person
2. i recently moved back in with my mum as my finances changed and it meant I couldn’t afford living alone.
3. I don’t have any children

Am I a failure? We sort of agreed to disagree and they said they wanted to just make sure I stayed on the right track :(

@dimorphism I think you missed my point which was it doesn't matter what the perceived advantages/disadvantages of any situation are - it is just that the grass will always look a bit greener on the other side of the fence. & people don't like to see that.

They want to surround themselves with grass that matches their colour. If your grass seems greener to them, they will want to piss on your lawn.

Say u have heard them.

But are happy with your arrangements and planning to go backpacking again.

Your friends sound wrong to me - having a DH and DC isn’t what everyone wants. It’s also not a race. You also have to just see if the right person comes along; not a lot within your power unless you do a lot of online dating and settle when you’re not 100% happy. (Don’t do that).

You’re really young still. Your salary is great. In your shoes I’d be saving up for a house deposit (if not already) but other than that your life sounds lovely.

I left my job and spent a year travelling at 29/30, learnt to drive at 32 and had children at 33 and 36. I love them dearly but do miss the free-er aspects of my former life. Their life rules apply to you and comparison is the thief of joy. You absolutely do not sound like a failure to me - just an independent young woman with some interesting life experiences. Hold your head up and keep making yourself happy!

29? Trust me - they are jealous of you for having the confidence and independence to live your own life and they want you to validate their own life choices by “admitting” you should be settling down

genuinely FUCK THEM

Wow! With friends like those eh? You are most definitely NOT a loser but your terrible friends are! What a nasty pair of witches. Tell them to mind their own business and get yourself out to a hobby and find new friends

I was mildly uncomfortable with being single & living at my mums at 29, cos friends were more settled...then met my partner and brought my own house at 30, brought a better house together at 34, had 2 kids at 35 &37. It will click when you are ready.
Maybe get some better friends though!!

How very dare they?! You are in no way a failure. FWIW, I didn't get married till I was 37.

I am the failure compared to you OP. You have had a very exciting life so far and you are ONLY 29. Marriage and children are not the be all and end all (I should know) and do not let your friends tell you otherwise.

I haven’t read the whole thread as it’s 15 pages long, but the gist seems to be that these are “friends” not worth having and I’d have to agree, as it seems that their intent has been to make you feel bad about yourself and the life you live at the moment under the pretence of being concerned for you.
You live your life the way you want to live it, not the way they want you to.
You’ve packed a lot in during these last 10 years, travelling the world, gaining good qualifications and a career. It’s possible there’s a little jealousy on their part, perhaps they haven’t done all or any of these things. So, they have partners and children? Well, jolly good for them, but it’s not the be all and end all of life. Some people love that lifestyle, for others it’s not a necessity and not for everyone. Perhaps you do at some point, but not right now. You’ve been hurt in your previous relationship, I think you’re wise to step back, lick your wounds and then decide what you’d like - but whatever you want, don’t allow others to pressurise you into something just because it’s what they have and suits them, it might not suit you at all.
My advice, for what it’s worth, is concentrate on friends who value you for being you, not “friends” who want you to be what they would like you to be.

Jesus F christ, what shit friends. I was single living with parents at 30, totally messed up my stressful job, constantly felt under pressure as I come from a town where if you arent married with kids at 30 there is something wrong with you despite the fact I was a professional with a degree, post grad qualification and have travelled the world/lives abroad a few times.
I jacked in my pressured job, moved to Italy and met my husband a few years later at 34, very happily married for 6 years with a toddler now.
I'm eternally grateful I never listen to that shit about being on the shelf and didn't grab on to whoever just to be in a relationship etc. my husband was well worth the wait and lots of people I know who for married young end up divorced or hating each other.
I didn't read past the first few posts and won't read any others but you sound very accomplished and this isn't the 1940 where getting married and having kids is the be all and end all. IMO this kind of pressure is bloody awful and leads to people settling when they shouldn't. Maybe you are just pickier than your friends and they are jealous of your freedom.

Tell them to fuck off. This is not friendship, this is a very narrow view of what life should be like. If you are expressing discontent or unhappiness, that would be one thing, but I dont hear that from you, so think they are massively out of line.

They sound horrible! Especially joining together to gang up on you. They sound very narrow-minded and bigoted. Not everyone needs to 'settle down' with a partner and have children; and even if that was your wish, you still have plenty of time- the average age for starting a family is nowadays over 30. And in the current cost-of-living crisis, many people have to temporarily share accommodation with relatives or friends. You have many achievements and are NOT in any way a failure or 'not doing much with your life!!! The only thing that you may wish to do differently is to find some better friends!

Ifs 2023 OP and so many women's self worth is still wrapped up in marriage and children. What your friends did, it says far more about them than you.

I think it's time for you to change your friends - If I had friends as judgy as yours I'd walk away without a backward glance.
True friends just don't behave like yours do.😞

Nooooooo! You’re doing great. When I was 29 I was all about travel, fun and no big plans. 10 years later, I’m happily married with a couple of kids, a big house and decent salary and I’m so so grateful I had my adventures before kids. I never ever feel I’m missing out when I’m staying in with the kids. My friends who had kids in their 20s usually can’t say the same.

@Ladybirdshere

You are anything but a failure!!
You are successful in your career earning good money.
You are confident in living in various cities over the years.
You are obviously intelligent being educated to degree and masters level.

Ignore your friends they are probably jealous seeing you having such a successful carefree lifestyle.
They sound quite sad individuals measuring success only by being in a relationship.
You are still so young, enjoy your fabulous life I say.

You're not a failure, no way!! You're free to do what you want without the encumbrance of kids and a partner. You're independent and I bet you're really interesting to be with. You've got guts and determination, you're educated. You sound great! So what that you've moved back with your Mum? Loads of people are are feeling the cost of living crisis. That isn't you failing that's the stupid capitalist system we're living under! Sounds to me as if you should look out for some new like minded friends, as I think you've outgrown this lot. And......I bet you meet someone smashing who shares your life with you.

Omg. Get new friends. Having a partner and kids is not the pinnacle of achievement.

LOL your "friends" are pissed off you have a great life and they've fallen for the must have a man and reproduce BS. Carry on as you are OP and start moving in different circles. Focus on your career, save your money and see the world.

If anything I would think life is passing by your friends - 29 is young to settle down and have children (where I live in London, it is mid 30s really that people have kids).
where is their travel experience? Their career?

YOU'RE a failure?? With a great paying job, lots of travelling, and an actual Masters degree? Wow, if you are then there's no hope for the rest of us!! You sound amazing.

In seriousness, I think they are being not only rude but also ridiculous. What tight do they have to define what being a failure is anyway?? Everyone has different priorities! And I hate hate hate the expectation of women to get married and have kids - it's 2023 for goodness sake! You know what? If you were a man this would not even have been a conversation...

Keep enjoying your life. Ignore your friends' ridiculous views... and maybe find other friends!

If anything I would think life is passing by your friends - 29 is young to settle down and have children (where I live in London, it is mid 30s really that people have kids).

I agree. I'm 36 and have single/ child-free friends and I'm so jealous of their ability to travel still. I did wonder if they're jealous but who knows!

Moving back in with your Mum does not make you a failure either!

Why live in a shitty house share paying a fortune in rent for the sake of appearing to be a proper adult when you can live with someone you get on with while saving money for a deposit.

Your 'friends' are patronising cows.

I read a really good thing once that stayed with me. People always ask you if you're married, if you have children and what you do for work. No one ever asks if you're happy. Life isn't a list to tick off. It's yours to do what you want with it.

Honestly they sound maybe a bit jealous. I have a decent job, a good husband without whom I'd be happily single (refuse to settle just to be with someone) and had my first child in my mid thirties. That child was not planned, a bit of a shock, but I'm happy now they're here. I have friends who all they ever wanted was a husband and children, who regularly tell me how their lives are better because they did the family thing before me. Yet they spend a lot of time complaining about how their husbands are useless, or mean. Or how much they hate their job or are worried about money but can't progress or work doing what they want. Therefore I take their opinions on how my life was done wrong with a pinch of salt. I love my life. I'd love my life whether I was married or single, child free or with my child. Because it's mine and I'm doing it for me. Not them.