To ask if you’d consider me a failure? Be honest.

[Ladybirdshere]

I met with friends on Saturday I’ve been friends with for around 10 years. We are very close, meeting up twice a month on average and share things about our life.

Well Saturday turned out to be a sort of intervention for me by my two friends. They said that they wanted to speak to me as they’d been talking and they felt that life was passing me by and that they felt I wasn’t doing much with my life.

l I think this was mainly focused around around boyfriends and living situation as we are all 29, I am single but my friends are both engaged and both have children.

Anyway, would you consider me a failure?

1. I work in advertising for 32k a year
2. I’m well travelled, last year I went travelling around America on my own
3. I can drive and have my own car
4. I have a degree and a masters
5. Ive lived in 4 different cities in the past ten years

but I don’t have

1. a partner, I’ve been single around a three years. I had a really bad breakup and simply haven’t found a new person
2. i recently moved back in with my mum as my finances changed and it meant I couldn’t afford living alone.
3. I don’t have any children

Am I a failure? We sort of agreed to disagree and they said they wanted to just make sure I stayed on the right track :(

I think it's an excellent idea to branch out and make some new friends. Just gently distance yourself somewhat from those two. They don't deserve you.

Wow OP you need new friends. These sound nothing like friends. They sound jealous. I'm bloody jealous - I used to travel the world and I can't now I have kids. Love my kids but they do restrict what you can do and are very, very expensive!

And why the hell do people think moving back in with parents is a failure? You've lived independently, it sounds like a success that your relationship is so great with your Mum that you'd rather live with her (and save money for travelling, buying a house or whatever) than pay through the nose (destroying your saving options for the future) for some no doubt much more crappy room in a shared house with strangers?

If you want to buy a house or do more extensive travelling, living with your Mum is a no brainer and I bet she loves having you around.

I have severe PCOS and I had a baby at 43, naturally (also had one in my late 30s naturally after spending my late 20s and early 30s trying unsuccessfully via IVF at great cost).

29 isn't a huge age for having children (I can't believe I'm writing this) but if having children is something that is one of the most important things for you, you could consider egg freezing, particularly if you don't want to have to compromise on who you have children with. Or you can choose to go it alone, but that is a big decision and commitment.

The only thing that I think has some merit in what these "friends" have said is that it's worth considering how big of a deal children is for you and there are things you can do (egg freezing) to give you options if you don't meet the right person to raise a family with until later.

However, I would say that I have friends who are childless not by choice (through infertility or not meeting the right person until their 40s) and who went through a period of really wanting children in their late 30s but now, in their 40s and 50s, are living exciting lives of travel and being hands on aunties to friends children. All the people I know in this position say they are glad life turned out the way it did for them.

I also have a friend who's always known she hasn't wanted children and all she's ever wanted to do is travel. So she works, saves (and this has included living with parents for various periods) and then goes on the most amazing month long trips around the world. I live vicariously through her facebook photos. She has a very full life.

I’m 30 and I was talking with one of my friends the other day about how it seems to be nearly impossible to time the whole “settling down” thing perfectly. If you’re one of the first ones in your friendship group to buy a house, have babies etc then you’ll be left out of travelling, nights out etc while you’re tied down with responsibilities that most of your friends aren’t. If you’re one of the later ones, you start running out of easily available friends to do things with and you start worrying about being “left behind”. The absolute ideal is to time it so that you’re exactly middle of the pack but how impossible is that given that so much is up to circumstance?

Anyway, you sound like you have a great life and are not at all a failure. My friends range from living at home and travelling to married with two kids and a mortgage, it’s all normal and just part of the big tapestry of life. Your friends sound like dicks.

You've achieved so much. Not sure what your friends are worried about.

The only way I’d understand them saying anything at all would be if you’d always been adamant you desperately wanted a traditional family and you were in a place where you wouldn’t even go on a date due to your experiences with your ex. I’d be worried for you that if you steered clear of men too long you’d reach a point that having what you wanted would be really hard. Sometimes friends can be really mean unthinkingly. I remember not long after my second was born meeting up with 3 old school friends. One was recently divorced, one in a relationship that wasn’t going well and one had been single a long time. They were “concerned” I was letting myself go and that my OH would stray if I didn’t take care. I think they genuinely expected that to be something that would happen based on their experiences vs them just being jealous/catty, but they still shouldn’t have said it. If you think your friends are generally decent people who care about you then maybe it’s more something like they’ve had some struggles with getting pregnant in their 20s and are assuming you would too. They could also just have blinkers on to the idea anyone could want something different to them. I think finding some new friends whose lives are more like yours right now will be great and personally I’d send the quote and let them know you are happy in your life and they need not be concerned. If they let it go and it’s just been a misunderstanding then great. If not then maybe it’s time to just accept the friendship has come to its natural end point and move on.
You are absolutely not a failure. Marriage/children can contribute to a successful, happy life but they are far from prerequisites for one. To me success is achieving your own goals, whatever they are and enjoying yourself on the way.

Sorry OP this is either a F off with your stealth boast or get new friends - only you know which

If this is for real then please take the above nicely and have fun!!

I didnt buy a house until 29, got married at 33 and am having my first baby at 34.

There is no deadlines for any of these things except the one you set for yourself in your mind. Tell these women to get to fuck.

March to your own band OP and do what makes you happy. Life is so short and if you are enjoying it then bollocks to them!

No way, OP. You just need new friends. It sounds like you have freedom, which is perhaps more than they have.

The type of person I consider a failure is someone who never felt the urge to move on from secondary school in their head… never wanted to get any qualifications or pursue any sort of career, never wants to go anywhere out of their comfort zone or do anything interesting, still living at home doing a teenager’s minimum wage summer job in their 30s because they don’t see the need to move on if living at home is free, eating dinner in front of soaps and reality tv in the evenings, mum cleans their room and does their laundry. (Can you tell I know someone like this?)

If you are a functional adult with a career, goals, and a decent grasp on responsibility, you are doing great. Partner and/or kids have nothing to do with it.

Urgh they don't sound like friends. Surely being a good friend is accepting that everyone has different life paths.
Makes total financial sense to move in with your mum if she is struggling financially.

I'm in a similar position as you, same age, similar background, spending time travelling and have no partner or children at this point.

As long as you're happy with what you're doing, don't worry what other people think.

Live your life how you want to live it, not how others want you to. ❤️

From what period did rent on a one-bedroom flat increase ten fold from £90 a month to £900 a month?

I don’t know what area you live in, but I don’t think rent was as low as £90/month since before you were born!

To answer your post more generally, you absolutely don’t sound like a failure. I’m surprised your friends think so. In fact, I can’t for the life of me think why anyone would need an “intervention” from friends for being single and child-free at 29.

It’s no exaggeration to say that I don’t know a single person who became a parent by 29.

In London professional circles, the average age to have a baby is 36-40.

I’ve just turned 30. Got married last year and have a baby on the way. I have plenty of friends in similar positions to you though. I do not think of them as failures!!! We’re all just doing different things. As long as my friends are happy, I’m happy! Your friends sound very old fashioned! You do you OP, you’re doing very well by the sounds of it xx

Personally cringe when people have children before they are 30.

Cheeky bastards. I'd be looking for new friends.

Your only problem is you need some new (nicer) friends

it is a sad person who judges somebody's worth by whether they have a partner or not, but it does happen, even among younger people. A friend's daughter was being laughed at for being single at 19!

You have chosen a different path to them and have had a lot of experiences that they haven't.

They can't judge you based on their lives.

You are doing a very sensible thing financially and if they can't see that, well that is their problem not yours.

If they start again, then just shut them down.

Honestly? They sound like my DDs14 year old friends who are concerned she wants to go to university. 😁

Get rid of the smug friends. I would much rather my daughter has her priorities right like you than settling for someone that isn't right for her because her so called friends said so.

What a bunch of absolute weirdos. Imagine staging an intervention for someone because they don’t currently have a boyfriend. It’s laughable.
When I read the title I was expecting someone who’s never left the county, doesn’t have friends, is unemployed etc. Concentrate on making new friends and planning your next trip somewhere amazing, forget their petty judgments.

Your friends are horrible and making you sound like a failure because of their own insecurities.

You are young, you have a good job in a creative industry, you travel to far away places. You live with your mum, so what? So you have time to build your own family life and home.
If they are so concerned about your personal life, did they introduce you to someone nice?

Gosh I have some family like this. Unless you're a millionaire, married and have kids you've somehow failed. I dont think they live in reality at all.

Your so called friends are horrible, very judgemental and sound like something out of the 1950's.

Time to widen your circle of friends OP. They won't improve and will only use the excuse of 'being helpful, only telling you the truth' to insult and belittle you.

I know you're trying to be kind and constructive (and you are spot on about the 2 against 1 angle/living at home bits), but I think saying you'd feel you'd 'failed' your daughters if there was no sign of kids or a husband at 29 is quite small-minded.

The OP would certainly be smart to investigate her fertility situation immediately if she has PCOS and hopes to have a family. But maybe she - and/or your children - will ultimately decide not to marry/have kids. I think you need to be very careful not to subtly undermine their choices if that's what you think is most important in the world (I know you say you wouldn't say it directly but they may pick up on this). If your daughters decided that they didn't need a partner or children to make their lives what they wanted, that they felt happiest alone/independent - would you truly see that as a failure??? I'd say that would be a testament to your parenting that they felt confident enough in their choices to follow their own wants rather than conform to societal pressure and end up stuck in some shitty marriage.

29 is young.

OP - as long as YOU are happy, you are doing perfectly.

What they mean is you're not doing what they're doing. There could also be an element of jealousy because you've done a lot more with your life. Ignore and move on.