To ask if you’d consider me a failure? Be honest.

[Ladybirdshere]

I met with friends on Saturday I’ve been friends with for around 10 years. We are very close, meeting up twice a month on average and share things about our life.

Well Saturday turned out to be a sort of intervention for me by my two friends. They said that they wanted to speak to me as they’d been talking and they felt that life was passing me by and that they felt I wasn’t doing much with my life.

l I think this was mainly focused around around boyfriends and living situation as we are all 29, I am single but my friends are both engaged and both have children.

Anyway, would you consider me a failure?

1. I work in advertising for 32k a year
2. I’m well travelled, last year I went travelling around America on my own
3. I can drive and have my own car
4. I have a degree and a masters
5. Ive lived in 4 different cities in the past ten years

but I don’t have

1. a partner, I’ve been single around a three years. I had a really bad breakup and simply haven’t found a new person
2. i recently moved back in with my mum as my finances changed and it meant I couldn’t afford living alone.
3. I don’t have any children

Am I a failure? We sort of agreed to disagree and they said they wanted to just make sure I stayed on the right track :(

I understand what you’re saying and I guess I could go out and meet some random bloke and get pregnant but a child is a lifetime commitment and honestly, I don’t want that commitment with someone I’m not truly invested in.

I did believe that I might have that with my ex boyfriend, we were together for a long time but it wasn’t to be and rightfully so as he was an asshole.

Ive spoken to my mum about it and she says she isn’t concerned or worried as she knows that what will be will be and I will make the right moves when I’m ready. She also married my dad very young at 18, had babies very young and has always said to me that if she could’ve had her twenties and done it a little later she would’ve so I’ve seen that perspective.

I do have a plan to move out and I will by the end of this year but with the cost of living crisis I really don’t see the benefit in paying some landlord 700 a month for a room when I can give my mum some money also for a room and help her out.

What your friends think of you is none of your business! Success is not measured by other people, it's how you feel about yourself! If you are happy, travelling, helping your mum out, building a career and building self confidence after a horrible relationship, I'd say that's success right there!

You need new friends 😀

You’re not a failure!
i’d never choose it as I’d be miserable but as long as you’re happy you’re succeeding. It sounds like something is lacking in their lives to be so judgemental

Of the 3 (your mum and your 2 "friends"), your mum is right.

The friends have taken a different path and had kids and now have weddings to plan (and fund) which I still think is arse about tit.

You really need to find different (nicer) friends.

Honestly, they sound jealous and have agreed among themselves that it's your lifestyle is the problem because they are in the same boat together.

Their 20s or part of, have been given over to having children and sounds like you've enjoyed many life experiences they haven't, so, to make themselves feel better, they try to convince you (and themselves) that your lifestyle is inadequate.

Not so. Please don't let this ridiculous attack get in on you.

Agree! I thought @Avarua2 must be one of OPs "non" friends.

I married at 24 and had two DC. My best friend-didn't want children anyway- married at 49 and had no DC. I didn't try to intervene in her life, and she didn't try to intervene in mine. That's what friends do.

I would be so happy if my DD turned out like you.

feckin cheeky pricks! There’s no one size all ‘right track’. You sound like you’ve had a fulfilling & frankly fab life with the travelling & different cities.
i wouldn’t be surprised if a touch of envy has crept in & they’ve rephrased it as ‘support’.
can you IMAGINE If 2 of you were single & childless & staged an intervention on the mother of the group, ‘oh we’re a bit concerned you’ve missed out on fun in your 20s & reduced you career to bring up your kids, we’re really concerned you didn’t have enough one night stands, we’re just saying don’t have more kids & get back on the right track’

Of course you’re not. Why do people think you can’t be happy if you’re single? It’s ridiculous when 4/5 people I know in relationships are unhappy. Get some new friends, you’re doing just fine. Settling down and having kids is clearly what they call a success, it’s them that has the problem

Please don’t feel you need to justify living at your mum’s. It makes total sense to atm, you have a full life, and seem to love and respect each other. Some very smart life developments can grow out of this period of housing stability and mutual support. If she was stifling you I would think differently

They sound like arseholes and the fact they've ganged up to come to you together means I'd be keeping my distance and not trust them again

There's no such thing as "normal", OP, and what's more important is what's right for you. I'm not surprised that you feel embarrassed. I would actually have been hurt and angry, so you're reacting much better than I would have!

I was about your age when I realised that having children wasn't right for me. Luckily, I found out before I had any. However, I gave into pressure to marry a BF, and he turned out to be an abusive shit. It was the biggest mistake of my life.

😂 All the Gen X’er’s on this thread showing their ages with talk of Bridgette Jones and ‘smug marrieds’
OP, your friends are the reason the book was written! I’d highly recommend you reading it, it will make you feel better.

But to answer your question, not only are you not a failure, I’d consider you an outstanding success!
Stay on the path you’re on, concentrating on yourself and your career. If someone comes along and you want to share it then great. If not, it’s a lot easier to make yourself happy by yourself than in a relationship that isn’t right.

@Ladybirdshere Shagging a random bloke and becoming pregnant was the very last thing I was trying to suggest! And you were right to bin an abuser - no mother would want their daughter to stick with someone who was like that. I was meaning more along the lines of having met someone in the 'natural' way (through work/travel/hobbies). But you're better off with nobody than with the wrong somebody.

Your friends should have got married before having children if they are going down the SAHM route, but I don't suppose you were rude enough to say that to them in response.

I do regard having children as my one success in life, so I can see how people think this. But I wouldn't suggest to my child-free friends that they should have done the same (we are now all too old for any of my child-free friends to change their minds).

You found anything but a failure. People who judge success based on whether or not you are coupled and have popped out kids can fuck off. You're doing great.

Your friends have a very narrow view of what 'track' people should be on. It makes sense for you to move in with your mother and save for a deposit. Or even if it just suits you both to share, that's fine too. Most of my friends only married and had children in their thirties. But your path might be to continue travelling without being tied down.

Share the Bridget Jones Smug Married clip on your social media op.

What popped out at me was the comment about your fertility. It’s so incorrect it’s embarrassing for them. I have PCOS and while getting pregnant might take a little longer your menopause and peak fertility are later than non PCOS women. I’m older now but I had my first baby at 30 which was the average age for a first time mum, so what on Earth are they on about?
Nobody sensible would jump into a relationship and reproduce in haste unless they had to. I think they’re being weird and you’re worrying unnecessarily.
As for living with your Mum, tons of people do that to boost their deposit and help with finances. It sounds more like they’d like you to have a flat they can meet at. Find more fun people and accept they can’t see beyon£ their own experience.

I also think you sound amazing. There are different ways to live one's life. You're better off single and free than with the wrong person, as you well know. But that's life. Failure would be if you'd stuck with him!
As to the living with mum being wrong in some way, no it isn't. Families have done it for generations. My ds (29) still lives with me for now and helps me out here even though he has bought a flat and is paying the mortgage, because it suits us both. With the ridiculous renting situation there's going to be a trend towards more multi-generational living.

My son is 28 and has only just managed to afford to move out. He doesn’t have a girlfriend, but then neither do 3 of his close male friends. His best friend is my friends daughter who is also 28. She is currently living at home (saving for a deposit), has done lots of travelling, has moved into a new job earning £120k. She doesn’t have a boyfriend and only goes on a couple of dates after meeting men online. Is she a failure? Hell no! If she and my son were only being defined by a single aspect of their lives then failures let them be. You and they are not failures. Live your life as you wish to not as others wish you to.

If you are my daughter, I’d be proud of you and wouldn’t consider you a failure in the slightest. maybe in your choice of friends!

They are either bitches or very jealous of what you’ve achieved.

Getting a boyfriend or being married is not an achievement. I don't know why so many think it is.

You are not a failure, far from it.

They are not friends in my opinion.
your life sounds great, and I wonder if they are envious! I’d tell them honestly how judgemental they’re being and cut them from your life

To ask if you’d consider me a failure? Be honest.

No.
Your friends have the old Bridget Jones smug marrieds syndrome. In their minds their lives are the only lives.