Page 5 | To feel guilty about missing DH's cousin's wedding

eighteenthirtyeight · 2023-04-16T17:41:49+00:00

It's a child-free wedding. My parents will be on holiday, and DH's parents will be attending the wedding. We won't therefore have appropriate childcare. DH's cousin is disappointed and sad we can't attend. I feel guilty despite it being completely out of my control! AIBU.

AgentJohnson · 17/04/2023 11:34

I do not understand your guilt, given your H’s response, I doubt he does either.

Stripedbag101 · 17/04/2023 11:35

piratypotato · 17/04/2023 10:24

I don't get these comments. DH "should go on his own, or he's a dick"? Why should he go if he doesn't want to, for whatever reason? He shouldn't.

Its a wedding invite, not a court summons. Nobody has to go. If you have a child free wedding, you must be perfectly well aware that some people with children can't or won't come. That;s the deal.

Plus its a cousin wedding. Who gives a fuck anyway?

Of course attendance isn’t compulsory.

If this man doesn’t want to attend his cousins funeral then he shouldn’t.

but some people are close to their cousins - I am single and I have attended ten weddings alone because I love my cousins.

but childcare not a believable excuse for both adults - he could go if he wanted to. I am sure he is a functioning adult who can make small talk with his aunts and uncles and cousins and siblings without his wife present. He just doesn’t want to go.

so why the angst? Just politely decline the invitation and send a nice gift. But don’t use it being a child free wedding as the excuse - brocade that’s not true.

wingingit1987 · 17/04/2023 11:37

I missed my uncles wedding as my youngest was only 3 months old and EBF and it was child free. The couple were fine with it. In your situation I would send DH and I would stay home with the kids. It’s not like he won’t know anyone there.

strawberry2017 · 17/04/2023 11:44

It's wrong for them to be disappointed they must know that people with kids may say no.
Totally within their right to have a kid free wedding but totally acceptable to say no if you have no childcare and don't want to go alone.

piratypotato · 17/04/2023 11:44

Stripedbag101 · 17/04/2023 11:35

Of course attendance isn’t compulsory.

If this man doesn’t want to attend his cousins funeral then he shouldn’t.

but some people are close to their cousins - I am single and I have attended ten weddings alone because I love my cousins.

but childcare not a believable excuse for both adults - he could go if he wanted to. I am sure he is a functioning adult who can make small talk with his aunts and uncles and cousins and siblings without his wife present. He just doesn’t want to go.

so why the angst? Just politely decline the invitation and send a nice gift. But don’t use it being a child free wedding as the excuse - brocade that’s not true.

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You've somewhat missed the point. Its not so much about childcare as about the choice for a childfree wedding (a perfectly valid and reasonable choice).

You choose a childfree wedding, that means couples need childcare. That may not be possible, ergo, one or both needs to stay home.
BUT, it is the norm to go to a wedding as a couple. It's literally about celebrating a new couple, a new marriage, and it's generally a thing couples attend together.

Now, if one wants to go alone, that is a valid and reasonable choice. If one half of a couple does not want to attend alone. that is also a valid and reasonable choice.

Not valid and reasonable are the following: Getting mad that your choice to have a childfree wedding affects the choices of guests with children. Forcing yor spouse to go to a wedding they have said they don't want to go to because you feel bad about not going.
These are responses above posters feel are reasobnable. They are wrong.

HoppingPavlova · 17/04/2023 11:53

About 90 mins in the car

I would consider that local. Does he not drive?

It seems strange that for a (what most would consider) local wedding he couldn’t drive there and back and attend by himself. Surely if it’s a cousin then he would have other family there, so not like he would not know anyone or need you to hold his hand? And no accom required for that drive.

Tbh, if I was the cousin/his family, while I’d be fine with him declining, as it’s an invitation not a summons, I’d be perplexed and my go to assumption would be that as he couldn’t get pissed using his wife as designated driver then he just couldn’t be arsed.

Stripedbag101 · 17/04/2023 11:58

piratypotato · 17/04/2023 11:44

You've somewhat missed the point. Its not so much about childcare as about the choice for a childfree wedding (a perfectly valid and reasonable choice).

You choose a childfree wedding, that means couples need childcare. That may not be possible, ergo, one or both needs to stay home.
BUT, it is the norm to go to a wedding as a couple. It's literally about celebrating a new couple, a new marriage, and it's generally a thing couples attend together.

Now, if one wants to go alone, that is a valid and reasonable choice. If one half of a couple does not want to attend alone. that is also a valid and reasonable choice.

Not valid and reasonable are the following: Getting mad that your choice to have a childfree wedding affects the choices of guests with children. Forcing yor spouse to go to a wedding they have said they don't want to go to because you feel bad about not going.
These are responses above posters feel are reasobnable. They are wrong.

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I don’t think I have missed the point - I just don’t agree that both halves of a couple have to attend a wedding.

he absolutely shouldn’t go if doesn’t want to (although to be honest in life some of us go to family functions
out of obligation rather than the joy of the event!).

I think all this couples need to go together to celebrate the love is a bit odd and twee - but to each their own!!! It’s like saying funerals should be attended alone because we leave this life alone😂. But may that’s just me.

anyways - I suppose I do give a fuck about my cousins maybe that’s the difference?

piratypotato · 17/04/2023 12:02

I didn't say that they do have to, in fact I clearly said its a perfectly valid choice for one of them to go...if they want to.

I wouldnt go to a wedding without my spouse, not because we're twee and love love, but because they are fucking boring and I need someone interesting to talk to for the day! Plus I need them to drive me home/bring me to the hotel etc when I inevitably drink too much.

Stripedbag101 · 17/04/2023 12:12

piratypotato · 17/04/2023 12:02

I didn't say that they do have to, in fact I clearly said its a perfectly valid choice for one of them to go...if they want to.

I wouldnt go to a wedding without my spouse, not because we're twee and love love, but because they are fucking boring and I need someone interesting to talk to for the day! Plus I need them to drive me home/bring me to the hotel etc when I inevitably drink too much.

fair enough - I suppose as someone who regularly goes to weddings alone I do roll my eyes a bit when some people say they can’t possibly attend weddings without their spouse. Particularly if it’s a family wedding where they will know dozens of people.

for me, Family is about occasionally attending boring events to show support and love (I hate, hate, hate weddings but I go). But agree they aren’t compulsory and to each their own.

the world would be very boring if we were the same😊

Violetcrush · 17/04/2023 12:14

This doesn’t make sense… if your DH can’t bear to go alone (sexy) then the guilt is for him to bear…

TheKobayashiMaru · 17/04/2023 12:14

LuckySantangelo35 · 17/04/2023 09:52

@TheKobayashiMaru

the DH is in the wrong

he should go on his own. When you’re married you can do stuff separate to your spouse and children - especially when it’s someone in your family getting married!

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He clearly does not want to go though. I find adults who can't go somewhere on their own rather wet, but hey ho.

DappledThings · 17/04/2023 12:16

Nothing for you to feel guilty about, the B&G have made it impossible for you attend. But your DH should pull his finger out and get himself there. If he can't be arsed going and that's upset the couple then that's for him to feel guilty about.

puttinoutfirewithactimel · 17/04/2023 12:19

Absolutely ridiculous that he cannot go without you or you don't want him to go without you or whatever the case may be.

piratypotato · 17/04/2023 12:19

TheKobayashiMaru · 17/04/2023 12:14

He clearly does not want to go though. I find adults who can't go somewhere on their own rather wet, but hey ho.

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Who said he is an adult who can't go anywhere on his own? Not wanting to go to one event on your own is not even slightly the same thing, I'm sure you are aware.

Bamboux · 17/04/2023 12:20

We were in a very similar position. Dh didn't go because it would have meant 12 hours round trip on his own, 2 nights in a hotel at £100 a night, and frankly he couldn't be arsed.

Our kids would have loved to go, both of us were relieved to have an excuse not to go.

If you have a childfree wedding, even close family, far away from home then you accept that some people won't come as a result. And they hve no right at all to object.

We sent them £200 (still loads cheaper than attending) and they never even bothered to say thank you, so it was the right decision 👍

piratypotato · 17/04/2023 12:21

puttinoutfirewithactimel · 17/04/2023 12:19

Absolutely ridiculous that he cannot go without you or you don't want him to go without you or whatever the case may be.

It's amazing how many people are this confused by a simple concept.

People are allowed to not want to do things! And then not do them! I know, shocking, right?

aSofaNearYou · 17/04/2023 12:21

Naturally you can't go but if your DH feels guilty then he should just go. No point wasting time on guilt if he doesn't feel guilty enough to push himself to go alone.

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/04/2023 12:35

If there's time and someone who'll do it, I'd have a trial leaving them for a day, and if it goes well then go. 14 months isn't tiny.

But if you don't want to suggest just DH goes

And if he doesn't want to then he can say to the cousin it cannae be done. Going child free does have consequences

OhmygodDont · 17/04/2023 14:12

why is he wet to not want to go alone? Nowhere has op said he doesn’t go out say with his friends or whatever without her.

Maybe he just doesn’t find mandatory family fun actually fun without his lived with family.

RampantIvy · 17/04/2023 23:11

Maybe he doesn't want to go alone as it would mean he can't have a drink (assuming the OP drives)?

WimpoleHat · 17/04/2023 23:19

It seems strange that for a (what most would consider) local wedding he couldn’t drive there and back and attend by himself.

This is right - of course he could. He just doesn’t want to. Just as the bride and groom could invite the OP’s kids if it was so important to have them there….but they don’t want to. Totally fair enough - their day and their choice. But the consequence of that choice is that some people won’t be able or won’t want to come.

TheKobayashiMaru · 18/04/2023 06:02

piratypotato · 17/04/2023 12:19

Who said he is an adult who can't go anywhere on his own? Not wanting to go to one event on your own is not even slightly the same thing, I'm sure you are aware.

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I never said he can't go anywhere on his own. I said somewhere I.e. this one event.

moonspiral · 18/04/2023 06:11

eighteenthirtyeight · 16/04/2023 18:45

Suppose he could but we've been invited as a couple.

He doesn't want to go without me really.

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Utterly ridiculous. He should go by himself

moonspiral · 18/04/2023 06:12

moonspiral · 18/04/2023 06:11

Utterly ridiculous. He should go by himself

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Unless of course he needs you for care or something like that

moonspiral · 18/04/2023 06:12

RampantIvy · 17/04/2023 23:11

Maybe he doesn't want to go alone as it would mean he can't have a drink (assuming the OP drives)?

He can not drink for one day surely..