Page 2 | To feel guilty about missing DH's cousin's wedding

eighteenthirtyeight · 2023-04-16T17:41:49+00:00

It's a child-free wedding. My parents will be on holiday, and DH's parents will be attending the wedding. We won't therefore have appropriate childcare. DH's cousin is disappointed and sad we can't attend. I feel guilty despite it being completely out of my control! AIBU.

Original poster

eighteenthirtyeight · 16/04/2023 19:00

FirstFallopians · 16/04/2023 18:57

I don’t think anyone is being unreasonable here.

The cousin is within their rights to have a childfree wedding.

DH isn’t unreasonable to not fancy a family wedding without his partner, especially if there’s money involved for travel or accommodation.

It’s a shame but it is what it is- no point anyone dwelling on it.

I agree with this

OP posts:

DailyMailHater · 16/04/2023 19:01

eighteenthirtyeight · 16/04/2023 18:57

Because whilst I'm fine for them to left in the evening after I've done bedtime, I'm not comfortable with them being left with a stranger all day. The youngest is only 14 months old.

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So DH goes to the full thing, as it is his family, and you join for the evening once the kids are in bed….

fruitbrewhaha · 16/04/2023 19:02

Is it local to home OP?

TidyDancer · 16/04/2023 19:03

Is it going to be expensive for DH to attend? Unless there's information you're leaving out as to why he can't go alone, I think he's being quite dickish to his cousin. He absolutely could attend without you (and I would be encouraging him if I were you) so I don't blame the cousin for being disappointed. It's not like he won't know anyone there. Do you want him to decline?

Original poster

eighteenthirtyeight · 16/04/2023 19:05

fruitbrewhaha · 16/04/2023 19:02

Is it local to home OP?

Unfortunately not

OP posts:

TimeForMeToF1y · 16/04/2023 19:08

eighteenthirtyeight · 16/04/2023 18:45

Suppose he could but we've been invited as a couple.

He doesn't want to go without me really.

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So what's the problem then? I'm not understanding why you feel guilty about the choices of others. They want a child free wedding (fine), your husband doesnt want to go by himself (also fine) why are either of these things your fault?

Do you suffer with people pleasing?

PhoenixReincarnated · 16/04/2023 19:10

YABU to feel guilty.

The cousin has a right to have a child free wedding. You and your DH both have the right to decline what is after all an invitation not a court summons. Sure your DH could go on his own but maybe he doesn't want to. Maybe he'd rather spend the time with his wife and children. That doesn't make him unreasonable/dickish/joined to the OP's hip.

GoodChat · 16/04/2023 19:12

If he doesn't want to go without you he can stay home with the kids and you can go.

ExtraOnions · 16/04/2023 19:14

Her DH doesn’t want to go without her, seems fine to me.

we’ve been invited to a “child free” reception for a wedding in a few weeks, so DD isn’t invited … she’s 17, so it’s kinda made me laugh. I’ve always wondered the age where “child free” ends.

bumbledeedum · 16/04/2023 19:14

Bit surprised by some of the responses that H should go alone with the insinuation 'it's family', completely ignoring the fact that half his immediate family haven't been invited. Bit hypocritical no?

SomeRolyPolyLittleBatFacedGirl · 16/04/2023 19:15

I can still remember the bizarre phone call I had from DH's aunt when I had declined the invite to her son's wedding - DH was going - but she couldn't understand why I couldn't get a babysitter to look after 4 kids under 6 for at least 12 hours, feed them two meals and put them to bed ... with one being breastfeed as well. She was mad - but still not willing to invite any of the kids! Dh went and left after the meal, he was going to stay longer but the presence of so many other children at the wedding was a bit galling.

Densol57 · 16/04/2023 19:15

I wouldnt go if I was DH especially as a long way from home so will work out more costly. Don’t feel guilty

Skybluepinky · 16/04/2023 19:15

Let hubby go by himself.

LumpySpaceGoddess · 16/04/2023 19:17

You shouldn’t feel guilty OP, my DH wouldn’t go a wedding without me and I wouldn’t go to one without him, it’s just how we are. We’ve had to miss a couple of weddings due to childcare issues and distance.

DelphiniumBlue · 16/04/2023 19:20

If the bride and groom are that sad he won't attend, maybe they could invite his DC?
If the wedding is local to you then maybe it's not unreasonable to expect that you could find a babysitter for a few hours, but if it is some distance away, then most people would not be able to leave a child overnight. If the B&G are bothered, then they should not make the wedding childfree.

diddl · 16/04/2023 19:32

Is he not bothered about going?

Does he think that you wouldn't want him to go alone?

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 16/04/2023 19:33

When you say not local, how not local?

Could DH go to the day time stuff and you head over to the evening do once the kids are in bed (left with a babysitter obvs)

Original poster

eighteenthirtyeight · 16/04/2023 19:35

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 16/04/2023 19:33

When you say not local, how not local?

Could DH go to the day time stuff and you head over to the evening do once the kids are in bed (left with a babysitter obvs)

About 90 mins in the car

OP posts:

LightDrizzle · 16/04/2023 19:39

Why are you bothered when your DH isn’t?

They chose a child-free wedding, which I think is fine, you can’t go, which is fine, your DH chooses not to go, which is fine if a little weird to me. He’s obviously not that close to them or he’d go. It’s going to be full of his own family so it’s not like he’d be alone. Or is he being passive aggressive because his babies aren’t invited?

I don’t see any reason for you to feel guilty.

Peapodburgundybouquet · 16/04/2023 19:41

I’d probably urge my H to go and have a nice time, and I’d take one for the team.

Linio · 16/04/2023 19:51

It’s only a 90 minute drive. Surely DH can go for at least part of the day.

LightDrizzle · 16/04/2023 19:55

@bumbledeedum but the half of his immediate family who aren’t invited are young children; who tend to be bored by long days involving a service, lengthy meals, speeches and adults talking.

The bride and groom have chosen to prioritise adult guests.

The groom may love his nieces and nephews but he has a very different relationship with them to the adults who will be attending. He won’t go for dinner or clubbing with them, just as he won’t take his friends or siblings to soft play, the park or to watch Epic. It doesn’t make him a shit uncle or friend, I mean he may be a shit uncle but we don’t know on this information.

bumbledeedum · 16/04/2023 20:11

LightDrizzle · 16/04/2023 19:55

@bumbledeedum but the half of his immediate family who aren’t invited are young children; who tend to be bored by long days involving a service, lengthy meals, speeches and adults talking.

The bride and groom have chosen to prioritise adult guests.

The groom may love his nieces and nephews but he has a very different relationship with them to the adults who will be attending. He won’t go for dinner or clubbing with them, just as he won’t take his friends or siblings to soft play, the park or to watch Epic. It doesn’t make him a shit uncle or friend, I mean he may be a shit uncle but we don’t know on this information.

I wasn't questioning the B&G's decision to have a child free wedding, that's their choice. Just as it's the H's choice not to go. I just think it's bizarre to quote 'family' connection why H should go in these circumstances.

WeWereInParis · 16/04/2023 20:16

DH's cousin is disappointed and sad we can't attend.

Shouldn't have had a childfree wedding then 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think people should have whatever wedding they want, but they need to accept that some people may be unable to come, depending on the wedding they choose. I've nothing against childfree weddings (I went to one yesterday, we left our DDs with my parents and had much more fun than if they'd been invited and had come too) but childcare can be hard to find, especially for v young children like OP's, and so if you have a child free wedding, you can't be surprised when some people can't come.

Just like if you have a destination wedding, and some people can't come due to price or annual leave etc.

WhyDoesItAlways · 16/04/2023 20:36

Whilst I generally don't agree when people get upset that invites are declined for child free weddings, your DH is being ridiculous. Surely he's grown up enough to go to an event without you, especially as I assume there will be other members of his family there too?

I went to my cousin's wedding yesterday (3 hours away) with DS but DP couldn't attend so I declined his invite (giving our reasons) and it was fine because.... we are two separate people! The hotel cost the same whether he was there or not so made no difference.