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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel guilty about missing DH's cousin's wedding

141 replies

eighteenthirtyeight · 16/04/2023 18:41

It's a child-free wedding. My parents will be on holiday, and DH's parents will be attending the wedding.

We won't therefore have appropriate childcare.

DH's cousin is disappointed and sad we can't attend.

I feel guilty despite it being completely out of my control!

AIBU.

OP posts:
Daffodilmorning · 16/04/2023 20:40

I understand not wanting to pay for accommodation for just one of you, but 90 minutes isn’t far to travel, especially if he’s close to his cousin. Can’t he just go and drive home?

rainyskylight · 16/04/2023 20:43

I think it’s very unreasonable of your DH not to go. It’s not like he won’t know anyone there and needs your support 🙄. Sounds like he can’t be arsed and is using childcare as an excuse. Except he doesn’t actually a have childcare issue because you’ll be at home. If this were me I would be encouraging my DH to go, tell him I’ll be fine, and look forward to watching whatever I want on tv after bedtime.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 16/04/2023 20:48

If your DH doesn't want to go alone I'm not sure why you're the one that feels guilty.

That said, I think he should go alone.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 16/04/2023 20:51

You can't go because of the DC, DH doesn't want to go without you or DC. There's no issue here. If you want a childfree wedding you can't be annoyed someone without children can't attend, regardless of reason.

My family have an upcoming wedding but only aunts & uncles have been invited - no cousins. My parents have decided not to attend and we are all adults. To them, you invite the family (for a family wedding obviously), or you don't

HunterHearstHelmsley · 16/04/2023 20:53

WhyDoesItAlways · 16/04/2023 20:36

Whilst I generally don't agree when people get upset that invites are declined for child free weddings, your DH is being ridiculous. Surely he's grown up enough to go to an event without you, especially as I assume there will be other members of his family there too?

I went to my cousin's wedding yesterday (3 hours away) with DS but DP couldn't attend so I declined his invite (giving our reasons) and it was fine because.... we are two separate people! The hotel cost the same whether he was there or not so made no difference.

He doesn't want to attend. That's not ridiculous. As people on MN always say - it's an invitation, not a summons

Comedycook · 16/04/2023 20:55

Don't feel guilty...it his family. He should attend. Why won't he?

springhas · 16/04/2023 20:57

You husband should be going. It’s utterly ridiculous he isn’t especially as his family including his parents will be there. 90 minutes isn’t far. Id be hacked off too if I were his cousin

Sceptre86 · 16/04/2023 21:01

You need to stop feeling guilty. if anyone should it's your dh as it's his cousin's wedding after all. We were invited to a friends wedding this week but our youngest wouldn't stay with a babysitter so dh went. We were invited as a couple but the bride is more dh's friend so he went and I happily stayed home. Doesn't have to be a big deal.

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 16/04/2023 21:04

If I was the cousin I would say how sad and disappointed I was whilst secretly cheering that was two less meals to pay for.

it's not polite to say that though is it so you say , 'oh how sad, how disappointing, what a shame you can't come , is there no way round it?'

sunshineandshowers40 · 16/04/2023 21:05

I don't see why your DH can't go especially as his parents and other family members will be there. If he doesn't want to go he should just say rather than using childcare as an excuse (totally understandable not to want to leave a 14 month but it doesn't need 2 of you). Would you not go if it was your cousin?

Tinkerbyebye · 16/04/2023 21:05

i don’t see why the cousin is disappointed, they made the child free rule

although I don’t see why dh can’t go on his own

Peapodburgundybouquet · 16/04/2023 22:26

Tinkerbyebye · 16/04/2023 21:05

i don’t see why the cousin is disappointed, they made the child free rule

although I don’t see why dh can’t go on his own

They could well have just been being polite. I said something similar when an obscure cousin of my H couldn’t attend due to not being able to bring her two dogs. True story. I didn’t really care that much.

Bunnichick · 17/04/2023 06:38

It seems silly to me that DH should miss his cousin's wedding. If we were in a similar position I think DH or I would go on our own. If your DH doesn't want to then fine but he could go.

WhatNoRaisins · 17/04/2023 06:45

Does he just not want to go? That sort of distance away is one thing when it's an event you really want to make but quite a long way for something you're just not that fussed about. Life with small children is tiring, there's no shame in deciding the logistics of this are too much. Not everyone is close to their extended family.

Its up to him whatever the reasons, no need to feel guilty about another adults decision.

Oysterbabe · 17/04/2023 06:49

Your DH should go alone. Mine has done this a couple of times when we had no one to have the kids.

LuckySantangelo35 · 17/04/2023 07:14

yabu

your husband should go

no need for you both not to go

he’ll be fine without you, you’re not joined at the hip

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 17/04/2023 07:19

TidyDancer · 16/04/2023 19:03

Is it going to be expensive for DH to attend? Unless there's information you're leaving out as to why he can't go alone, I think he's being quite dickish to his cousin. He absolutely could attend without you (and I would be encouraging him if I were you) so I don't blame the cousin for being disappointed. It's not like he won't know anyone there. Do you want him to decline?

The dickish thing is inviting half a family.

Unbridezilla · 17/04/2023 07:26

Nowvoyager99 · 16/04/2023 18:47

Sorry - just seen your update.

Then his cousin has every reason to be hacked off with DH. I would be upset if my cousin did this.

Can't go without his wife? Seriously? Or is there a huge made up dripfeed coming saying DH has a disability?

Why on earth would the cousin be hacked off? As mn is fond of saying "it's an invite not a summons!" Anf the terms of tge invite don't work for op (or her husband if he doesn't want to go without her)

It's only a wedding. As long as the couple marrying are there, and at least 2 people for witnesses they're grand. And as long as OP rsvp'd quickly to the invite.

Rewis · 17/04/2023 07:29

You can't attend because of the bride and grooms decisions. Your husband has decided not to attend. So there is no reason for you to fel guilty.

SallyWD · 17/04/2023 07:41

There's absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty. Your DH has made the decision not to go to his cousin's wedding. Perfectly doable for him to go but he doesn't want to. End of.

LuckySantangelo35 · 17/04/2023 08:21

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 17/04/2023 07:19

The dickish thing is inviting half a family.

Show quote history

@onlyoneoftheregimentinstep

contrary to what many believe on mumsnet, having a child free wedding is not a Dick move

most people know deep down that child free weddings are better

OhmygodDont · 17/04/2023 08:23

Bride and groom cannot get angry if it’s their own fault some guests cannot or would rather not attend. Child free, destination weddings etc all mean you have to accept some people will say no.

I don’t see why the dh should have to go alone either just because family, in this case family was clearly not that important to the couple inviting. They may not be joined at the hip but they were invited together and it’s not their fault again that only one would be able to attend and not the pair.

Only wedding we turned down has been a family child free one. Since you know the childcare was all there.

LuckySantangelo35 · 17/04/2023 08:26

Unbridezilla · 17/04/2023 07:26

Why on earth would the cousin be hacked off? As mn is fond of saying "it's an invite not a summons!" Anf the terms of tge invite don't work for op (or her husband if he doesn't want to go without her)

It's only a wedding. As long as the couple marrying are there, and at least 2 people for witnesses they're grand. And as long as OP rsvp'd quickly to the invite.

Show quote history

@Unbridezilla

as long as the b&g are there and 2 witnesses…!
setting the bar low

wow, you really have a sense of occasion don’t you?!

TheDuck2018 · 17/04/2023 08:30

90 minutes is nothing!
Are you sure your DH doesn't want to go, or is it more that you don't want him to go without you ....

WimpoleHat · 17/04/2023 08:32

DH's cousin is disappointed and sad we can't attend.

This is the natural consequence of a childfree wedding - there will be people who can’t attend because they have children. That’s the constraint they have chosen - and they are perfectly well within their rights to do so. But equally, you’re perfectly reasonable to say you’re not comfortable to leave your kids with an unknown babysitter (no way on earth I’d have done that either) and your DH is perfectly reasonable not to want to go on his own. You’ve been invited with conditions that don’t work for you, so you can’t go. Send a card and gift and your good wishes.

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