To feel guilty about missing DH's cousin's wedding

[eighteenthirtyeight]

It's a child-free wedding. My parents will be on holiday, and DH's parents will be attending the wedding.

We won't therefore have appropriate childcare.

DH's cousin is disappointed and sad we can't attend.

I feel guilty despite it being completely out of my control!

AIBU.

Ah snap see now it’s the wife’s fault the poor man won’t go. Men just have no agency of their own do they.

I think your dh should go in his own. I certainly would if it were my family and it was a first cousin’s wedding.
Maybe he could leave after the meal if he doesn’t feel comfortable dancing without you?
My dh has to attend a function recently without me as I was too ill to go - it was my friend’s event but luckily dh has known them for years so was happy to go and sit with the group. A but different but still a dh doing something a bit out of his comfort zone.

No need to feel guilty. Your DH's cousin needs to accept that this is a consequence of having a child-free wedding. Your husband doesn't need to attend alone at all and it is an invitation, not a summons.

Yabu. Its only 90 minutes away
If you dont wanna leave your kid thats on you. But Dh could (and should!) go himself. Rather weird that he can't or won't do anything without you. It is his cousin. There will be relatives. He is just looking for an excuse by the sounds of it.

And so are you tbh.. But I guess you can hide behind the "my baby is only 14 months" excuse (but let's be honest . If you wanted to go and if this wedding was important enough to you: You would go )

In my family one half of the couple would attend - but then we are quite big in showing up for these events.

your Husband should think carefully about how he words this though if he close with his cousin. You could go - babysitters only mean one half of the couple can’t go.

I know on mumsnet there seems to be a lot of people who won’t go to weddings without their partner - but that’s not my experiences in real life. People can socialise without their partners - particularly at a family event where I assume your husband will know a lot of people. If people couldn’t go to weddings alone then single/widowed/divorced people could never attend!

He could attend - he just doesn’t want to. That will cause hurt - it’s an invitation so fine to decline - but just be aware there might be I’ll feeling

I'd be disappointed if I was the cousin as your dh is obviously not that keen to go. It's his family so he should get priority over you. 90 minutes is not that far.

If the cousin is sad and disappointed it must mean he thinks alot of his cousin and its not just a duty invite. Your husband should go on his own. If he can't handle being away from you all day just go for a couple of hours.

No one is in the wrong here. They want a child free wedding and that's fine. You could go but don't want to arrange babysitting and that's fine too.

@TheKobayashiMaru

the DH is in the wrong

he should go on his own. When you’re married you can do stuff separate to your spouse and children - especially when it’s someone in your family getting married!

Just go for either the day or evening part and get a bsbysitter

I can see why she would be disappointed in her cousin not attending her wedding because he "doesn't want to come without his wife" it's a bit of a wet excuse really.

I don't get these comments. DH "should go on his own, or he's a dick"? Why should he go if he doesn't want to, for whatever reason? He shouldn't.

Its a wedding invite, not a court summons. Nobody has to go. If you have a child free wedding, you must be perfectly well aware that some people with children can't or won't come. That;s the deal.

Plus its a cousin wedding. Who gives a fuck anyway?

It's the OP saying she feels guilty. If she feels so guilty, why isn't DH going?

I'm going to go with : because they are different people and her (bizarre) guilt has no bearing on what he should or shouldn't do.

But perhaps you have a different notion.

He should go on his own, it's his family. Don't get people who won't do things without their partner.

Perhaps I didn't make my point clearly. It is the OP who said she feels , nobody made her feel that way. However, for someone who apparently feels guilt about missing the wedding, as a couple they don't seem to be doing anything at all to mitigate that. They don't have to attend, but she started the thread, she mentioned feeling guilty. In some families, cousins are almost as close as siblings

Well, if dh doesn't want to go, and you feel guilty about not going, then why don't you just go?

If you felt guilty enough your husband would attend. That would be within your control.

How would it? Do you control what your partner does and where he goes? Cos that's a bog red flag.

You made your point clearly enough. She feels guilty about not attending. She cannot attend. He does not want to attend on his own, her guilt is completely immaterial.

Not sure what you're not understanding about the point that married couples remain separate people? The notion that I would go to a wedding I have said I don't want to go to because my spouse felt guilty about not going is INSANE.

"Oh darling husband, it's perfectly fine for you to go to your beloved cousin's wedding without me. I'm a grown ass independent woman, we're not joined at the hip - take photos and bring home some cake"

You don't sound guilty. Neither of you wants to go to the wedding so just decline. You're obviously just looking for validation.

Is the reception in the hotel?

Could you all go to the hotel and get a local babysitter to look after the children in the hotel room, then you are able to go and check on them and maybe spend sometime getting them ready for bed, etc.

And yet you appear to be faulting mumsnet posters. Her guilt is on her, not on what nasty nasty mumsnetters say - and the situation is a bit odd. The biggest question is why she feels guilty but is doing literally nothing to mitigate the situation. Husband not going with his parents to his cousins wedding is also rather odd - and again, she has chosen to post this on a forum where she seeks validation comments

What is unclear here? Why are you so confused?

She feels guilty, for absolutely no good reason. Why would that make the slightest difference to whether he goes?

Some seriously controlling posters here.