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AIBU?

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Original poster

For taking my baby away from MIL

429 replies

firsttimemum990 · 16/04/2023 16:50

My DD is 2 weeks old. She's a terrible sleeper at night (as are most newborns from my understanding), and as a result, I've only been getting a few hours sleep at night. DD tends to sleep quite a lot throughout the day. MIL has basically blamed me for this and says that I need to keep DD awake in the day so that she sleeps at night, as it's not "normal". She's also suggested that I give her a bath every evening as this will "settle her" and "make her sleep through the night". I have been ignoring her advice so far, as I know that it is completely normal for newborns to wake during the night (especially since I BF and DD cluster feeds), and giving them a bath in the evening is unlikely to make any difference.

She visited yesterday, and of course, DD was asleep. I went to use the toilet shortly after she arrived, and on my return, saw that MIL had woken DD up and was lifting her in the air and telling her to "wake up". DD, who was obviously still tired, could barely keep her eyes open and her head was flopping all over the place as she was still half asleep. I immediately went over and took DD from her and told her it's perfectly normal for DD to be sleeping during the day and I don't want her woken up. She made a comment along the lines of "well don't moan at me when you're up all night"

DH is now angry with me as he thinks MIL was "just trying to help" and is now of the opinion that we should be keeping DD awake in the day. He's also accused me of treating her like an "outsider". They are making me feel unreasonable for wanting to just let my baby sleep. I am not going to spend my day waking up my newborn every time she falls asleep. I also read sleep is good for babies development, which I've told DH, but he thinks I'm talking rubbish.

Surely I wasn't being unreasonable for taking the baby from her?! I didn't think I was being unreasonable but I think I've let them get to my head!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
SeenYourArse · 16/04/2023 21:31

Actually TERRIFYING that there are adults that still think in 2023 that it’s appropriate or safe to try to keep a newborn baby awake when it needs to sleep 😩 OR that they shouldn’t wake frequently to feed through the night this is a biological safety mechanism to help avoid SIDS

Original poster
firsttimemum990 · 16/04/2023 21:31

Had another argument with DH tonight. Apparently I need to listen to people with "real life experience"

OP posts:
Bluebellsbells · 16/04/2023 21:33

You can listen to advice but it's completely up to you if you choose to take that advice or not.

It's absolutely unacceptable to have that advice inflicted on you, it was not your MILs place to wake a sleeping baby.

I find my MIL as lovely as she is, her advice comes from the 70s and not the good parts! She's very forthright about her views as if they are truth and fact. I listen and nod, but never follow any of her advice.

You also have a husband issue here, waking a sleeping baby and ruining their routine is not good parenting- if he agrees with his mother's actions you need to put him straight!

Mumsanetta · 16/04/2023 21:34

@firsttimemum990 i’m sorry you’re having to deal with this idiocy! Is your own mum around? Can she visit and support you? Perhaps talk to your DH? And definitely get straight on to your midwife or health visitor to come round and refute your MIL’s outdated advice x

Maria1982 · 16/04/2023 21:34

You are not wrong !!

babies don’t distinguish day from night for the first few months. This is because they don’t produce melatonin .
later on (around 6 months, which right now for you is basically a lifetime away!) you can start worrying about bedtime routines and not sleeping too much in the day.

Right now you are 100% correct.

the fact your MIL told you to put baby to sleep on her front just shows she has her advice very wrong I’m afraid. Tell your husband that your MIL is out of date and there has been significant research showing sleeping baby on their front increases risk of SIDS/cot death.

Finally- congratulations on your baby!

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 16/04/2023 21:35

He needs to listen to YOU. You are baby's mother and YOU know best.

Keep pushing back. You're absolutely doing the right thing.

When my DS was about a week old my outlaws told me to stop picking him up so much because 'he'll get used to it' and instead wanted me to let him cry. Didn't listen.

Trust your instincts x

ginlovingqueen · 16/04/2023 21:35

Mil sounds bonkers

Snugglemonkey · 16/04/2023 21:36

Gh12345 · 16/04/2023 18:05

You definitely can’t sleep train a 2 week old but eventually you will have to try and keep them awake longer through the day but not for another week or so when they start becoming more aware of the world around them. I always did a bath every evening and get a routine going - which is a little more achievable.

My baby is 4 months old. She sleeps when she likes. She has several naps a day. She is a cracking wee sleeper at night. Why on earth would you stop a baby sleeping?!

Bluebellsbells · 16/04/2023 21:37

Real advice! A baby especially at 2 weeks needs sleep to develop and grow. You can't put a 2 week old in a routine and it's utterly cruel to do so! Babies need sleep to grow and develop well. For newborns this is usually 14-17 hours in every 24 hours. But sleep patterns can vary a lot.

From the nhs website. Your MILs advice was not for the benefit of your baby it was for the convenience of those around her.

As for your husband he needs to step up and support his wife!

Maria1982 · 16/04/2023 21:38

firsttimemum990 · 16/04/2023 21:31

Had another argument with DH tonight. Apparently I need to listen to people with "real life experience"

Can you show him this thread?
My mum put me to sleep on my front, because in 1982 that was the standard advice.
but when I had my first baby last year, I sent her a link to the latest guidance which is to put baby to sleep on their back.

Things change ! Lots of things. We used to give babies a nip of alcohol to help them sleep. Corporal punishment used to be standard! Lots of things which these days are rightly considered unacceptable.

tell your DH there is more to it than ‘real life experience’

ginlovingqueen · 16/04/2023 21:38

Also, a 2 week old doesn't need a bath every day

HungryandIknowit · 16/04/2023 21:41

Or you could listen to advice based on studies of real life data of hundreds or thousands of families and children, rather than one woman who thinks she knows best based on her one real life experience.

OnlyFannys · 16/04/2023 21:43

Why does your DH think that his mothers 'advice' trumps that of all the mothers on here saying she is wrong? We all have plenty of real life experience and many posters have linked detailed articles about the matter. He is a pratt.

Pallisers · 16/04/2023 21:44

firsttimemum990 · 16/04/2023 21:31

Had another argument with DH tonight. Apparently I need to listen to people with "real life experience"

Like the midwife? Like the doctors?

He needs to listen to people with "real life experience" of prioritising their mothers over their wives. it won't end well.

Invadersmustdie · 16/04/2023 21:46

Well, you've had a shit lesson on why not to have a child with a mummy's boy 😬 you are doing well though OP! Take no shit and maintain those boundaries and if he doesn't like it then off he fucks back to mummy. They sleep constantly at 2 weeks old!

Mumsanetta · 16/04/2023 21:47

Most reputable sleep training guides start at 12 weeks as you can’t sleep train a newborn. Cluster feeding at night is also designed to maximise your supply. Pretty sure that babies actually cluster feed at night because breast milk is richer and more nutritious at night.

As for sleeping on her tummy, since the safe sleep advice changed to recommending that babies should be put down to sleep on their back there has been a 70% reduction in SIDS. Here’s a link from the Lullaby Trust website to send to your DH. That advice has saved millions of baby’s lives.

https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/rates-of-sudden-infant-death-syndrome-go-down-to-lowest-on-record-but-baby-charity-says-more-lives-could-be-saved/

He can think what he likes but I would sooner divorce a man than follow his mother’s advice and endanger my baby. If that was the price that had to be paid for advocating for my baby’s safety then that was the price I would willingly play. Whenever my DH lost leave of his senses and tried to argue with me about a safety issue when our DD was a baby, I reminded him that seeing as I had agreed to have my body cut open to ensure her safe arrival and would quite literally give my life for her, it meant nothing to me to disagree with advice that could harm her.

Rates of sudden infant death syndrome go down to lowest on record but baby charity says more lives could be saved - The Lullaby Trust

Sudden infant death syndrome, often referred to as ‘cot death’, is when a baby dies suddenly and unexpectedly and the cause of death remains unexplained after a post mortem has been carried out.’ The new figures show that the 2014 rate dropped  by 17%...

https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/rates-of-sudden-infant-death-syndrome-go-down-to-lowest-on-record-but-baby-charity-says-more-lives-could-be-saved/

Crikeyisthatthetime · 16/04/2023 21:47

Oh dear. She's bending his ear and he's taking it all in. Stay firm, OP! (I can sense that you will.)

Babies2223 · 16/04/2023 21:50

Definitely not unreasonable! I’d have been telling her to leave and my husband to leave with her if he was having a go at me for that.

Baby’s don’t even have their circadian rhythm at 2 weeks old. They have no idea what’s day and what’s night. Completely and utterly pointless trying to keep baby awake all day, all that will happen is you'll get an overtired fussy baby, who’s likely to be awake even more through the night than normal!

MIL tries to give you any other unwanted parenting advice just remind her that you live with one of her kids and he could use some work 🙌🏻 (mostly in jest but she doesn’t need to know that haha!)

Bluebellsbells · 16/04/2023 21:50

This is the following advice I've been given by my MIL

  1. Babies should be left to cry it out.
  2. You should never cuddle a baby it spoils them
  3. You should only hold a baby for as little as possible it spoils them.
  4. If your toddler bites you should bite back harder so he won't do it again.
  5. A slap round the legs never does anyone any harm.
  6. Stop cuddling him if he cries it rewards bad behaviour!

What was acceptable in the 70s is utter child abuse now!

I told my husband about this thread and I said I'm so glad I have the ability to ignore your mother and he replied- aren't we all!

raincamepouringdown · 16/04/2023 21:50

I'd tell your DH to pack his bag and go live with his mummy if he's not going to back you.

You are up to date on the current information via your HV, your new mums to be groups, friends, current reading material. Your MIL is not. If he's going to back his mum over you, tell him to get to fuck.

Please talk to your HV.

CoffeeLover90 · 16/04/2023 21:50

Is your DH doubting himself because of MILs advice or is he also an idiot? Newborns sleep, its what they do. Sleep, milk, fill a nappy. That's about it. Very cute though so all forgiven. Did your DH come to the classes with you to hear actual facts? Can you show them the advice on lullaby trust re front sleeping and something online about them needing to sleep 18 hours a day? Then explain you want to follow up to date advice because you are mum and you know best.

PurpleWisteria1 · 16/04/2023 21:50

TheShellBeach · 16/04/2023 16:55

"Never wake a sleeping baby" is a pretty good maxim (as long as the baby is well and full term).
It's a great shame that your husband didn't stand up to his mother and support you. Navigating the early weeks of a baby's life is very difficult.
It sounds like you're doing a great job.

But ‘never wake a sleeping baby’ is most defiantly not what is advised for BF mothers so that’s not good advice!

CoffeeLover90 · 16/04/2023 21:52

In fact, show them this thread. I've got actual real life experience of a newborn. As have many others on here. And DH and MIL couldn't be more wrong.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 16/04/2023 21:53

Your baby spent nine months in the dark, with her own wake/sleep cycle. It's going to take time for her to get used to ours.

He's being an idiot, and even if his mother was right, she is YOUR daughter, and you can parent the way you wish.

Congratulations on your lovely little one Flowers

maddy68 · 16/04/2023 21:53

You are not unreasonable BUT there is an element of truth in this. A routine where she has a bath , feed and bed sets a pattern. So it died actually work. No one is saying you should disturb a two week old sleeps. That's just daft. But going forward she's right. If you can extend her waking hours she will sleep for longer during the night

Non if this is excusing her overriding you !