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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For taking my baby away from MIL

429 replies

firsttimemum990 · 16/04/2023 16:50

My DD is 2 weeks old. She's a terrible sleeper at night (as are most newborns from my understanding), and as a result, I've only been getting a few hours sleep at night. DD tends to sleep quite a lot throughout the day. MIL has basically blamed me for this and says that I need to keep DD awake in the day so that she sleeps at night, as it's not "normal". She's also suggested that I give her a bath every evening as this will "settle her" and "make her sleep through the night". I have been ignoring her advice so far, as I know that it is completely normal for newborns to wake during the night (especially since I BF and DD cluster feeds), and giving them a bath in the evening is unlikely to make any difference.

She visited yesterday, and of course, DD was asleep. I went to use the toilet shortly after she arrived, and on my return, saw that MIL had woken DD up and was lifting her in the air and telling her to "wake up". DD, who was obviously still tired, could barely keep her eyes open and her head was flopping all over the place as she was still half asleep. I immediately went over and took DD from her and told her it's perfectly normal for DD to be sleeping during the day and I don't want her woken up. She made a comment along the lines of "well don't moan at me when you're up all night"

DH is now angry with me as he thinks MIL was "just trying to help" and is now of the opinion that we should be keeping DD awake in the day. He's also accused me of treating her like an "outsider". They are making me feel unreasonable for wanting to just let my baby sleep. I am not going to spend my day waking up my newborn every time she falls asleep. I also read sleep is good for babies development, which I've told DH, but he thinks I'm talking rubbish.

Surely I wasn't being unreasonable for taking the baby from her?! I didn't think I was being unreasonable but I think I've let them get to my head!

OP posts:
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Ruffpuff · 16/04/2023 20:50

Fml I’d have absolutely hit the roof if anyone woke my sleeping newborn! It’s a normal part of their development, and it’s actually good if they wake frequently as it protects against SIDS. Your husband and mil have no idea what they’re talking about!

PurplePlayhouse · 16/04/2023 20:50

The Lullaby Trust gives safesleep advice to prevent SIDS. Might be a good idea to show your DH.

The best advice I can give is to always trust your own instincts. You know your baby best.

LookItsMeAgain · 16/04/2023 20:50

VickyEadieofThigh · 16/04/2023 17:02

I do hope that if ever MiL nods off in your company - at Xmas, for example - you poke her awake!

100% do this!

Purpleturtle45 · 16/04/2023 20:50

I have 3 kids and all of them had day and night mixed up as newborns. I gave up trying to keep them away during the day, it was impossible. Around 6 weeks things turned around. They barely know they are born at 2 weeks. Not such an issue with your first but when you have a newborn awake all night and a toddler awake all day it's not the best! 🙈

Throughalookingglass · 16/04/2023 20:52

mathanxiety · 16/04/2023 17:16

And quite frankly, your MIL is an outsider. He needs to be told that in no uncertain terms.

She's not a part of your marriage.

She's not one of the baby's parents.

If your H thinks she's part of a trio in your home, your problems are bigger than just an argument over sleep.

The fact that he's making an issue over this when you are two weeks post partum doesn't bode well for your relationship.

Sit him down.
Spell out exactly what you expect from him in terms of loyalty and moral support.

Tell him he has to choose you every time there's a choice to be made between your mothering instincts and his mother's, or he can return to live with her.

Do not let him get away with thinking he can treat you with disrespect and lack of loyalty and support.

This.

I have a 'strong willed' MIL who is used to being the matriarch of her household while her husband meekly stays out of things. She is a PITA. When I had my DC1, she was overbearing. At first, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and thought she was trying to be helpful but as time went on, I ignored her more and took a big step back from her. DH of course stayed out of it, even though he could see how stressed his mother was making me.
These days, I keep her at a distance. Visits are longer apart, I learned not to tell her too much. I advise you to say less and less to her so she will be less involved in your decisions.

Daffodilmorning · 16/04/2023 20:57

shutthewindownow · 16/04/2023 20:27

You arnt being unreasonable but I do think new mums would do well to take advice from other mums who have raised babies because they usually do know what there are talking about. Your baby is round the wrong way. She does need to be awake more during the day to sleep at night so she is correct.

Except newborn babies aren’t designed to sleep at night and be awake through the day… they are supposed to sleep and wake to be fed around the clock.

It’s not until they are 8-12 weeks old that their circadian rhythm is mature enough for them to start to recognise night and day (and longer until most are ready to sleep through the night).

Waking a 2 week old up is just likely to make them overtired.

SchoolTripDrama · 16/04/2023 21:01

Fansandblankets · 16/04/2023 16:54

No you weren’t being unreasonable. 2 week old babies sleep a lot obviously and wake a lot during the night. You could keep the baby awake all day and they’d still wake at night because they need to eat!

Mine never woke during the night. Even the night she was born she slept through and has every single night since. I'm honestly not being smug as believe me, I've had my fair share of other difficulties with her as a baby and as a child, but to say that they all wake in the night at any age is incorrect.

OP, I agree with your MIL about the bath as that's been proven to relax them. What you have to remember though is, even though yes she is being unreasonably forthright with the way she's giving advice, this is what her generation were taught by Midwives when they had their babies! My Mum was told to begin sleep training immediately! Which of course is nuts but back then, they didn't know any different.

Im not saying just roll over and take it - course not! But to 'punish' her by essentially banning her from seeing her grandchild just because she gave advice a bit too passionately, is wildly unfair & cruel

SchoolTripDrama · 16/04/2023 21:02

Oh and I completely agree she was bang out of order for waking the baby up. I expect she genuinely believed she was helping. Still very wrong though and I too would've flipped at that

IndysMamaRex · 16/04/2023 21:03

Your baby is 2 weeks old! Babies that young are asleep more than they’re awake. YADNU your MIL needs some boundaries settling down ASAP & your husband shouldn’t be siding with mummy as your are the mother not MIL she should respect your wishes. It’s obviously coming from a good place but executed badly sorry not to be too hard on her…but definitely a conversation about boundaries needs to be had

Wally1983 · 16/04/2023 21:05

I’m sure it comes from a dated view !! you just have to stand your ground, do what works for you!!!
no baby will remain awake all day..
I did set a routine of a bath every evening very quickly with both mine but that’s what worked for us. That was when dad got his time with baby tbh and I got to just chill for a bit.
your baby may turn day in to night for a while and I think perhaps a routine of an evening can help that but it’s YOUR choice what you do, not you mil!!!
congrats on your baby 🥰

VestaTilley · 16/04/2023 21:06

Get your MIL away from her and out of your house. She sounds awful. Babies are supposed to sleep on and off throughout the day and are awake a lot at night - for months - at the beginning.

Your baby needs sleep whenever she wants it. Do not leave your MIL alone with her.

Silene · 16/04/2023 21:06

I had my babies in the 70s. I am amazed that your MIL would suggest keeping a two-week old awake. Ours slept on their backs, I was grateful when they slept, nor did we ever waken them. My own MIL would have been horrified if I'd let a baby's head flop, they were supported always, nor were they bathed every day. It seems such weird intervention from a 47 yr old. My own children and DILs are better parents than I was, I would never dream of interfering. I had my turn.

sausagepastapot · 16/04/2023 21:10

Fucking MILs. Honestly. Can't we just bin them all? Mine's an absolute witch.

YADNBU, she's an arsehole.

WTP91 · 16/04/2023 21:14

Absolutely YANBU!
I hope things start to feel easier soon

moderationincludingmoderation · 16/04/2023 21:14

1FootInTheRave · 16/04/2023 16:57

Mil is an idiot.

THIS.

Sennelier1 · 16/04/2023 21:14

The only valid point of your MIL is that a nice bath really makes babies sleepy and tired. So yes you could give that a try. It'll probably make your baby fall asleep but it doesn't work all night! So after the bathe, when baby is asleep, try and get some winks in yourself 😊

RobertNotBob · 16/04/2023 21:15

YANBU! Babies sleep when they need/want to, whatever their grandmother might choose to believe. Any further MIL interventions should result in her being told to f**k off. Followed swiftly by DH if he sides with her against you.
Follow your instincts

pinkstripeycat · 16/04/2023 21:18

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

Let sleeping babies lie 😂

It’s never wake a sleeping baby and let sleeping dogs lie.

OP YANU. Like a PP said get your midwife or health visitor to speak to DH and MIL. DH should be supporting you 100% as you will be the main carer.

GettingStuffed · 16/04/2023 21:21

That's not generational advice, I had my three late 80s and early 90s and we were to let babies sleep when they needed to but to wake then up if they were too long for a feed, I seem to remember 4 hours but that could just be old age thinking.

I think my mum said that they were told to be very strict on sleeping and feeding. So that would be the case if your MiL is in her 70s or older.

MyEasterEggs · 16/04/2023 21:23

Haven’t read all the comments but I’d invite them to discuss their viewpoints with HV during next visit. My daughter napped 5/6 times a day at that stage, gradually reducing to 2 naps and was still having 1 nap aged 3. The pair of them need to get along to a baby class or read a book. Silly buggers. And your DH should be ashamed of himself.

TrustyRusty68 · 16/04/2023 21:23

Holy moly! Your baby is 2 weeks old - please tell your mil to butt out!! New borns sleep A LOT!! And it’s just plain cruel to wake them unnecessarily. Like you said, babies need sleep for their development & growth. You’re their mum, you make the decisions!

Antihistamine62 · 16/04/2023 21:24

They are lucky that’s all you said. I would have went absolutely ape. Well done for keeping your cool

pinkstripeycat · 16/04/2023 21:27

mathanxiety

Brilliant! Exactly what this poster said

Boogiewoogieanddance · 16/04/2023 21:28

YANBU and welldone for speaking your mind.

Snooze during the day if you can and hand in there with the BFing. My baby is now 5 months and sleeping through a majority of nights. He is still BF.. but for the first 4 or 5 weeks I literally could not put him down at night and was in tears I was that tired but during the day he was an absolute angel. I am a strong believer that if you follow your baby's ques for naps and dont let them get over tired then your going to have a better sleeper than keeping them awake to follow a routine they aren't ready for.

Namechangethisonetime · 16/04/2023 21:29

In classic mumsnet form- you have a DH problem. A big one. Your mil is also an absolute twat. Good luck

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