For taking my baby away from MIL

[firsttimemum990]

My DD is 2 weeks old. She's a terrible sleeper at night (as are most newborns from my understanding), and as a result, I've only been getting a few hours sleep at night. DD tends to sleep quite a lot throughout the day. MIL has basically blamed me for this and says that I need to keep DD awake in the day so that she sleeps at night, as it's not "normal". She's also suggested that I give her a bath every evening as this will "settle her" and "make her sleep through the night". I have been ignoring her advice so far, as I know that it is completely normal for newborns to wake during the night (especially since I BF and DD cluster feeds), and giving them a bath in the evening is unlikely to make any difference.

She visited yesterday, and of course, DD was asleep. I went to use the toilet shortly after she arrived, and on my return, saw that MIL had woken DD up and was lifting her in the air and telling her to "wake up". DD, who was obviously still tired, could barely keep her eyes open and her head was flopping all over the place as she was still half asleep. I immediately went over and took DD from her and told her it's perfectly normal for DD to be sleeping during the day and I don't want her woken up. She made a comment along the lines of "well don't moan at me when you're up all night"

DH is now angry with me as he thinks MIL was "just trying to help" and is now of the opinion that we should be keeping DD awake in the day. He's also accused me of treating her like an "outsider". They are making me feel unreasonable for wanting to just let my baby sleep. I am not going to spend my day waking up my newborn every time she falls asleep. I also read sleep is good for babies development, which I've told DH, but he thinks I'm talking rubbish.

Surely I wasn't being unreasonable for taking the baby from her?! I didn't think I was being unreasonable but I think I've let them get to my head!

Show your husband this thread. Most people on this thread have had newborns and ‘real life experience’. His mother is wrong, you’re right.

YANBU.

She needs to get a grip and the whole “baby needs to be bathed every evening” is a choice not a necessity. It’s only been two weeks! Some babies do sleep quite long and some don’t. My first was every two-three hours like clockwork and the second slept 5-6 hours a night, both breastfed from birth. The second actually made us nervous, and we often checked to make sure he was breathing because we hadn’t expected him to sleep so long so early. Granted, he was more alert and active than his brother was even in utero, and still is.

I was given advice from both my mother and MIL despite them knowing I had been a childcare provider for 10+ years, and I’m a researcher at heart so I had already updated myself on current information at the time. I just smile and say “thank you, I’ll give that a try if this way doesn’t work”. MIL accepted that and left it alone. My mother, however, would go on and on or like your husband call the advice I quoted from actual experts and studies, especially with bf, rubbish, even though she herself never did it. Heck, my aunt was no better and I ended up snapping at her because she was undermining me as if I was a teenager who didn’t know anything about my own child. By that time, my oldest was about one and I had him practically on my own since his birth with DH often gone weekdays for 10-12 hours and I only see this Aunt every 3-5 years.

Ask your DH why his mother’s advice is more trustworthy when it has been decades since she’s had a newborn compared to recent studies by experts and medical professionals whose careers are based on knowing these things and to keep advice updated for the health and safety of young children.

Take him to the next check-up and ask questions to the doctor. You can easily say, “my husband and I want to check on if xyz is the right way.”

You need to take care of your mental health, you don’t need this stress. You are a postpartum mother and are vulnerable. Speak to your health visitor so they can look out for you seeing as nobody else is. Listen to your maternal instincts, they’re there for a reason. If anything happens to your baby because of their BS advice they will blame you anyway. This is all rooted in patriarchy where the mother is undermined and disrespected. Where are your own family or support network? Seems like they are ganging up on you and it will only get worse.

YANBU at all. It is totally normal for newborns to wake a lot at night, and to feed frequently throughout the night. They are supposed to do this, and it is pretty mean to wake them up in the daytime without a really good reason. In any case, it is not up to MIL to tell you how to parent your baby.

She is confusing your 14 day old baby with an 8 month old baby.
Few people remember what a baby needs at each stage/ each month of the first year.

Don't bother showing your husband this thread - show him the bloody door instead.

I'm so angry for you!

So much for being a team. I'd be furious.

Can you get your Mum round? Can you tell him, yes I'm following real life experience by someone who doesn't believing in harming an infant by wobbling their head, keeping them awake all day and refusing to feed them at night!

Oh honestly, I'd be so outraged!

Could you not use your own mother or a great aunt Hilda or something and tell him that she agrees with you?

Not at two weeks old!!!!!

How often does my newborn need a bath? There's no need to give your newborn baby a bath every day. Three times a week might be enough until your baby becomes more mobile. Bathing your baby too much can dry out your baby's skin.

Nhs website again.

Problem is, OP, the same people who criticise that the baby sleeps too much are also the ones who spout the "sleep when the baby sleeps" bullshit. And they tell you you should ignore the baby outside of the strict feeding schedule. And they use the phrase "being good" about a baby who can't even fucking see a foot in front of its face.

It's toxic.

I can never understand why anyone would want to wake a sleeping baby. I found that other people holding them could be quite unsettling for them when they're tiny. They probably get overwhelmed with too many different smells.

But, the nightly bath is actually a very good routine and does help them to settle. It's also one of the easiest ways to introduce a barrier between day and night. The creases in their armpits and under the neck can get sore pretty quickly, and a bath is the easiest way to check them over thoroughly once a day.

Anyone who wakes up someone’s 2 week old baby like that has serious boundary issues. Family or not.

Tell your DH to do some research and things have changed since his mum had a baby

He needs to massively fuck up, get back in his lane and recognise that YOU are the expert on YOUR BABY, MIL has fuck all to do with it, end of.

I’d knee him in the balls tell him that he has three choices: you decamp to your mum’s, he decamps to his, or you both stay put on the strict condition that he winds his fucking neck in and tells his mother to do the same.

MIL is talking nonsense. I am a trained Nanny, a two week old baby will wake to feed and then sleep. You absolutely cannot expect the baby to sleep through the night at this age, and as you said you are entitled to feel tired but you do understand why. A bedtime bath is a good routine to get into, it signals the end of the day and establishes a good routine for when they are older. Bath time can be lovely so do it just to enjoy it, babies usually love bath time too, they get your undivided attention and lots of play and chatter. MIL can offer advise but you can explain to her how the thinking has changed since she had babies and things are done differently now. Be polite but firm. You never know, one day she may offer advise which might be helpful. Stranger things have happened.

Tell her to back off immediately because it will get worse.
You can also speak to your HV/Midwife in private and they can speak up infront of your husband if you don't want to.
I've never heard of anyone EVER waking up a 2 week old baby.
Don't feel bad for offending anyone. Your baby, your rules. Not hers or his, YOURS!

Op stick to what suits you. I had one who slept all night well, 2 till 6 🙂, and one who was nocturnal for.the first 3 months both breast fed neither ever woken form naps. This was at a time when the contented baby was the rage so very regimented regime of sleep feeds and waking about 20yrs ago, we did not so this. I had friends who couldn't go out with 2 month old as.it was nap time.and they needed to sleep in a dark room and wake at 1015 to feed! . Safe to say by 12 months mine both slept better and anywhere. We did do night time bayh from about 3 months to help encourage sleep which it did.

Aw jeezo I absolutely hate it when ppl behave like this. I often didn't listen to advice from my own mum because she had her kids 30+ years ago and times have changed a lot! I did listen to my sister who had her kids a lot more recently lol.

The bath thing is hilarious, I did a bath every night as part of the bedtime routine. It makes no difference imo. My first born slept through from 6wks my second one was a nightmare. She's 3 and still doesn't sleep through!

You can't keep a baby awake especially a newborn. It's just all totally ridiculous. I do hope ur dh is around when ur health visitor comes next time and I would mention it to get her response. Then ur dh can hear from her how ridiculous it all is!

I've only ever woken my baby if she was well overdue a feed. Even then sometimes she wld have a little bit of milk and just go into a wee sleepy milk coma.

2 week old babies basically feed and sleep. That's it. They don't play, they just want to be held and boobed. That's it. Don't creep around in the day, if she's asleep you don't need to be quiet, she will get to grips with day and night soon. Try to go outside every day, day light helps regulate diurnal rhythms, and have a chat with DH about supporting you and not undermining you.

This is very odd advice, it has been expected babies nap in the day for at least the last 60 years in the U.K.
Establishing a bedtime routine can help them settle, but a nightly bath is not recommended by dermatologists, can remove natural protective flora as well as dry out and irritate skin, cause eczema for some babies.
MIL doesn’t sound like she is holding the baby safely. I wouldn’t leave her unsupervised.
DH sounds clueless and unsupportive. I don’t know why he’s backing up MIL, but hopefully you will find a way to get through to him.

Nope!
Sorry your DH is being such a dick rather then what he should be doing which is making sure you get rest in where you can and supporting you!

Personally I would be asking him if he thinks his mother knows better then the lullaby trust, hv, Dr's etc and why the hell he thinks you should risk your DD just to appease his mother!

You really don’t need to try to keep them awake at just a few weeks old. What utter nonsense.

That wasn’t the advice for my generation. I think it’s from the 1920s.
newborns this age need to have their heads supported when lifted. They sleep the majority of the time, need food every couple of hours. TheY will eventually distinguish night from day because the environment changes but they won’t learn it yet and don’t need to.
You are doing a good job and shouldn't have to fight your DH over this. I can understand he might think “Mum knows best” but he’s listening to the wrong Mum. Get the Health Visitor or midwife if she’s still visiting to have a word.

OP I've been there, young MIL, every single part of it has been "well back in my day".. Well your day was YEARS ago regardless of how young you are. I keep saying I obvs think MIL was a good parent as she raised the person I ultimately chose to start my own family with but research and advice has changed (hell, it'll probably change again by the time I have a second child), so I'll stick to what the current guidelines are and know where to go if I need further guidance.