For taking my baby away from MIL

[firsttimemum990]

My DD is 2 weeks old. She's a terrible sleeper at night (as are most newborns from my understanding), and as a result, I've only been getting a few hours sleep at night. DD tends to sleep quite a lot throughout the day. MIL has basically blamed me for this and says that I need to keep DD awake in the day so that she sleeps at night, as it's not "normal". She's also suggested that I give her a bath every evening as this will "settle her" and "make her sleep through the night". I have been ignoring her advice so far, as I know that it is completely normal for newborns to wake during the night (especially since I BF and DD cluster feeds), and giving them a bath in the evening is unlikely to make any difference.

She visited yesterday, and of course, DD was asleep. I went to use the toilet shortly after she arrived, and on my return, saw that MIL had woken DD up and was lifting her in the air and telling her to "wake up". DD, who was obviously still tired, could barely keep her eyes open and her head was flopping all over the place as she was still half asleep. I immediately went over and took DD from her and told her it's perfectly normal for DD to be sleeping during the day and I don't want her woken up. She made a comment along the lines of "well don't moan at me when you're up all night"

DH is now angry with me as he thinks MIL was "just trying to help" and is now of the opinion that we should be keeping DD awake in the day. He's also accused me of treating her like an "outsider". They are making me feel unreasonable for wanting to just let my baby sleep. I am not going to spend my day waking up my newborn every time she falls asleep. I also read sleep is good for babies development, which I've told DH, but he thinks I'm talking rubbish.

Surely I wasn't being unreasonable for taking the baby from her?! I didn't think I was being unreasonable but I think I've let them get to my head!

Both twats. You're right.

YA definitely NBU. Stick to your guns. Maybe show your DH some information on this from a good source as well as involving the HV. If your MIL did not even support the baby's head, and thinks babies should be put on their tummies to sleep, she is obviously badly informed. I would tell him you need his support.

Honestly the wake window at that age is only 1-2 hours then nap. Enjoy the day time naps, even if it's on you - shock horror! I used to watch so many box sets and dream of those days now. Your baby is only this little once and needs you to do best by her needs and yours. You do what suits you both. I tried to keep mine awake for longer and entertain her but then she'd be beside herself with tiredness and I feel so stupid now for having done that. I slept downstairs with baby for the first couple of weeks as I found it easier (c-section, downstairs bathroom, divan bed was hard to get out of etc). I had MIL telling me I needed to get the baby upstairs for sleep at night so she knows what night is. Pretty fucking sure baby didn't care what bloody room we were in and I'm glad I didn't listen.

Don't beat yourself up.

It was absolutely clear that it was the way that lunatic was holding your baby that was the problem.

I'd have killed her for that alone

At 47 her ideas shouldn't be that outdated

I'm shocked your mother in law did that a two week old and had her head unsupported. DH needs to grow up and be a father here and support you. Yanbu

I don't think you need me to tell you that YANBU, since everyone else has already done so.

I would like to point out that you have a DH problem, not (just) a MIL problem. Whether or not a marriage survives a difficult MIL depends entirely on how the DH manages it - does he choose his wife or his mother? It sounds as if your DH is choosing his mother atm, which does not bode well for your marriage, unfortunately.

I think you probably need to give him an ultimatum - two options:

1. He supports you and works with you as a parenting team, respecting your opinion, doing his own research, and in case of any disagreement, talking it through with you and reaching an agreement or compromise... which will inevitably mean ignoring and/or challenging his mother as and when necessary.
2. If he is not willing to do the above, effectively it means he is allowing MIL to come between you as parents, so if he is at all interested in protecting his marriage, he must agree to stopping or drastically reducing any contact between MIL and baby, in order to reduce conflict between you both.

If he doesn't agree to either of those things, you're in trouble I'm afraid.

I doubt you have the time or energy for reading at this point (!) but when you do, "toxic in-laws" by Susan Forward is a helpful read.

YANBU.

Your MIL and husband are idiots. Sleep is so
important for babies; it’s responsible for growth and development and rest.
You can’t even effectively introduce a sleep routine until you’re past the 4 month sleep regression.

Send them this NHS link and tell them to keep their outdated POVs out… as the saying goes ‘mother knows best’…. Not MIL.

“Newborn sleep needs
Most newborn babies are asleep more than they are awake. Their total daily sleep varies, but can be from 8 hours up to 16 or 18 hours. Babies will wake during the night because they need to be fed. Being too hot or too cold can also disturb their sleep.”

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/caring-for-a-newborn/helping-your-baby-to-sleep/

Please show DH this thread. You're right, they're wrong but it doesn't matter who's right anyway, your baby, your rules and MIL can fuck right off, she's had her turn 💐

At 47 she is years younger than me but I was well aware that babies must not be put down to sleep on their fronts . Dear god, her advice is very dangerous. Your DH needs an almighty bollocking.

You're not being in any way unreasonable. My understanding is that babies don't know the difference between night and day so they just sleep whenever they want particularly at 2 weeks.I hope it gets easier for you soon and your MIL backs off. You were completely right to take your baby away.

Babies dont find their circadian rhytm until 6ish weeks. They are literally programmed to sleep during the day and be awake during the night. Ignore MIL

what was the adivce 30 years ago surely it wasnt wake them up during the day?

For a 2 week old baby rhata ridiculous and I'd be furious. Later, when the baby is older, a routine is worthwhile to ensure they don't sleep too much during the day but absolutely let them sleep while a newborn fgs!

@firsttimemum990 then she is an idiot. The advice she is giving was outdated when my two were small and I’m in my fifties.

It was the health visitors in our case, telling us first-time-mums firmly, that babies needed to go four hours between feeds, even when they were small and completely breast fed.

I don't think they had enough maternity beds in my city so you only got to have a baby in hospital in the 50s if there was a medical need or your housing situation was so dire it was considered unsuitable. I'm not sure how bad it had to be when you consider my mum and dad in one room, mum's two younger siblings in the other bedroom, gran on the sofa, no bathroom and toilet at the far end of the yard. When my mother tried to get referred to hospital she said she was told, "You've got your own bedroom, it will be fine."

Advice changes so often, I had mine in the 70s and advice was sleep them on their back, sister had hers in the early 80s and advice was sleep them on their front, I started my second family in early 90s and my sibling was shocked that I was still following that outdated advice from the 70s and was shocked when she found out it was her advice from the 80s that was outdated.

In the 70s I was told 4 hrs between feeds (never listened) start solids at 6 weeks (never listened) don't co-sleep (never listened.) I found smiling, nodding and doing what I wanted generally worked well.

They’re wrong. You’re right. Don’t give in to or be gaslighted by the bullies. I’m really angry with your husband on your behalf.

You arnt being unreasonable but I do think new mums would do well to take advice from other mums who have raised babies because they usually do know what there are talking about. Your baby is round the wrong way. She does need to be awake more during the day to sleep at night so she is correct.

My theory is that they sleep in the day because when they're in the womb, you're walking around and being active so it rocks them to sleep.

Similarly, they're up most of the night because, in the womb, you're sleeping and so staying relatively still so they're wide awake because they're not being rocked.

You MIL doesn't know what she's talking about. I would be so pissed off with my other half for backing her up over you. I would be giving him the cold shoulder until he realises the error of his ways.

YANBU!! Baby's only 2 weeks old...what is she on about. Not cool for your H to side with her though that would make me livid.

Although people have experience of raising children I found quite often I’d be given advice that didn’t apply to the stage my child is in. People’s memories aren’t the best and children develop fast. Also lots of outdated info.

Do we have the same MIL? Mine told me that the reason my newborn didn’t sleep through the night was because we hadn’t bathed him and put talc on his bum from day 1 🙄.

You did absolutely the right thing by taking your baby back. And if she thinks not being allowed to make parenting decisions makes her an ‘outsider’, then yes, that’s exactly what she is.

I recommend you give them a copy of Your Baby Week By Week as it sounds like your husband could do with educating himself on the latest advice and your MIL needs to update her ideas significantly. It's been 30+ years since the advice changed to babies sleeping on their backs: https//www.lullabytrust.org.uk/the-lullaby-trust-celebrates-25th-anniversary-of-back-to-sleep-campaign/