For taking my baby away from MIL

[firsttimemum990]

My DD is 2 weeks old. She's a terrible sleeper at night (as are most newborns from my understanding), and as a result, I've only been getting a few hours sleep at night. DD tends to sleep quite a lot throughout the day. MIL has basically blamed me for this and says that I need to keep DD awake in the day so that she sleeps at night, as it's not "normal". She's also suggested that I give her a bath every evening as this will "settle her" and "make her sleep through the night". I have been ignoring her advice so far, as I know that it is completely normal for newborns to wake during the night (especially since I BF and DD cluster feeds), and giving them a bath in the evening is unlikely to make any difference.

She visited yesterday, and of course, DD was asleep. I went to use the toilet shortly after she arrived, and on my return, saw that MIL had woken DD up and was lifting her in the air and telling her to "wake up". DD, who was obviously still tired, could barely keep her eyes open and her head was flopping all over the place as she was still half asleep. I immediately went over and took DD from her and told her it's perfectly normal for DD to be sleeping during the day and I don't want her woken up. She made a comment along the lines of "well don't moan at me when you're up all night"

DH is now angry with me as he thinks MIL was "just trying to help" and is now of the opinion that we should be keeping DD awake in the day. He's also accused me of treating her like an "outsider". They are making me feel unreasonable for wanting to just let my baby sleep. I am not going to spend my day waking up my newborn every time she falls asleep. I also read sleep is good for babies development, which I've told DH, but he thinks I'm talking rubbish.

Surely I wasn't being unreasonable for taking the baby from her?! I didn't think I was being unreasonable but I think I've let them get to my head!

What??? Babies should absolutely NOT sleep a long stretch at night at two weeks. Most of them will need food every 3-4 hours. Also, babies that young are not going to be able to have a "schedule" no matter what you do. Your information is outdated, please refrain from advising new mothers.

Forcing a newborn to stay awake is SO cruel. YANBU.

The reason they wake up so much is because their tummy is so small, they dont take much milk to fill but at the same time, they empty quick too and baby is hungrey...hence why they feed every 4 hours.
Babies also need 18 hours sleep for their development, they have nothing else to be awake for at this age.

oh my lordy I remember those days - everyone has advice, most of it completely well intentioned but totally wrongly remembered! at 2 weeks old you can't possibly expect anything other than to simply get through as best you can and YOU and your DD will learn a routine as you go without any outside interference. If there's one thing I've learned as a parent, you do NOT know what you're doing half the time (well okay maybe slightly more than half lol!) as the 'stages' are so fleeting you just get a handle on one and you've moved on to learning something new, but the best person to know what baby needs is ALWAYS going to be Mum so unless you're getting to the end of your wits and ask for help (and please, if you feel you need it then you should ask a trusted friend or family member, don't try to tough it out yourself, there's no medals given out for being able to do it all yourself!) then take whatever's said to you with a large pinch on salt! Just to be balanced here though, I do remember immediately after the birth and probably for the first 6 months being almost irrationally protective of the baby (its nature, we're supposed to be!) and it was my MIL that pressed that button for me also so just bear in mind that your protective instincts are on overdrive here and your MIL is not respecting those boundaries but probably well intentioned. To be honest I think your MIL was totally in the wrong to go beyond a polite recommendation but its your DH that should be thoroughly ashamed of himself, yes your MIL has had kids but as I said previously this does not make her an expert in YOURS and he should be acting as a barrier between you and not in any way taking sides let alone his Mum's! Big hugs, you're doing great and will continue to (you might just have to grit your teeth a bit through it though!)

Jesus… time to tell her (and him) that it’s a thousand years since she last had a baby. She’s obviously forgotten thh he e newborn bit. In the meantime, she’d be welcome to have her own one back if he didn’t pull his head out of his butt and get with the programme. The baby is two weeks old. This is what they do at this age. They’re basically nocturnal, despotic party animals.

@firsttimemum990 You sound like you know exactly what you are doing and what your baby needs.

Those first few weeks of sleep deprivation are brutal. I am so sorry that you have found out that your MIL is unsupportive and an interfering, disrespectful person who is deliberately undermining you. That is the last thing that you need.

She probably doesn’t really believe the crap she’s spouting she just wants to oppose you and get her son to view her as more important than you.

I hope your husband sees that he needs to back you and work as a team with you and establish some healthy boundaries with his mum.

This should be a time when you and dh bond with each other and with your baby and learn how to be parents together. How dare she interfere and get in the middle.

And as for your husband saying that you are treating her as an outsider, she is not meant to be in your immediate family. Her son has grown up and now has his new immediate family which is you and your baby. She is treating you as the outsider. That is very wrong. Remind your husband that you gave birth to this baby not your MIL. She needs to be more respectful and get back in her place. And he needs to remember that and back you up.

She is grandma not mum.

They’re both fucking idiots.

I would see if the health visitor or your midwife can offer your stupid husband some advice. And hell would freeze over before my MIL touched my baby again for a LONG time

It doesn't sound like you'll be able to confide to your MIL, which is a shame as it is nice to have someone with real life experience to talk to. But if she's going to throw it back in your face every time I'd ease off on it for the time being.

Just from this post alone though you can see that there are people who will insist their way is correct, EVERYONE has an opinion on what's they would do and a lot of things are subjective so theres not always a right or wrong, just different ways, but you're doing the right thing by researching everything yourself, and deciding for yourself.

By all means listen to what people say though, as most the time they do mean well, and decide yourself if you want to implement it or not, and you can always give them a simple 'thank you I'll look into it' knowing full well, that you've got no intention of doing it, it'll help keep the peace in the long run, or what I found helpful to shut down any potential arguments was, 'yes, I've heard of that, they don't recommend that anymore, but I'll bear it in mind, thank you'.

I wouldn't worry about the night and day thing, it will resolve itself, keeping the daytimes bright/noisy and the nights quiet/dark helped but following 'wake windows' worked brilliantly for us, from what I recall no one ever told me about them, not even midwives or HV, I came across it myself researching and once I understood how they worked and how they change at each stage of development, it helped enormously to establish a routine, it's like suddenly having a map!

You're doing great OP, don't let people get to you.

Is she absolutely bonkers? Your baby is 2 weeks old not two years old. Pretty much all they should do is sleep except for feeds. Even when much older I always agreed with “sleep breeds sleep”. When my babies napped well during the day they slept well at night too.

Sorry, but 2 weeks after having a baby, your MIL wouldn't been told to get the fuck out of my house for that, and DH would've followed.

Doesn't matter what she thinks, your baby is brought up by your rules, and as for your husband, he needs to pick up a book. If he doesn't know what you do, from reading, he needs to be quiet too.

I'm sorry OP, he should be supporting you, and the first step of that isn't allowing his mother to undermine you as your DDs mother.

They sound like Pair of idiots who havnt got a clue what there talking about about , you can't sleep train a 2 week old or stop if from sleeping in day ,your mil is being stupid and so is your husband

With you completely - newborns wake up a lot at night, it’s how it is. No, they do not sleep 6 hour stretches at night.

Also, I would personally not give a two week old a bath every night (unless you are especially keen to). Their skin is too sensitive for that at that stage.

This is terrible advice

2 week old babies sleep the vast majority of the time, 17/20 hours a day. What would you do with them if you wake them up other than lay them on floor, put them in a chair, sing to them etc. They do sleep, wake up, get fed, changed then go back to sleep. MIL definitely needs to butt out, if she want to help when she's round, take the baby for a long walk so you can rest. Or MIL can do the washing/ironing, make a meal etc. Your husband needs to support you, not side with outmoded MIL. Get reassurance from your HV.

It is and I'm a dinosaur who raised their children in the 80's.

My first baby slept through the night for the first time at 3 weeks. That was incredibly unusual even then and completely freaked me out.

We did bath ours in the evening and did have some sort of bedtime routine, but not with any expectation that it would do much in the early days. The idea of waking a sleeping week old baby is horrifying.

Get some sleep every day and get DH to start to appreciate you as the main caregiver to your child.
Have set times and days where MIL is allowed to visit.
Your DH needs to communicate to MIL your conditions, strongly and proudly.
Ask DH to move in with MIL until he can side with you.

Read up about realistic bedtime routines for newborns.
Bathing is often suggested and keeping night time calm, dark and quiet while day time is sunny, noisy and bright.
Though babies sleep during the day, of course, when they wish and eat at night when they wish.

yuck, this is all you need two weeks after giving birth. Tell the mil to shove her ‘advice’. Let baby sleep when she wants to and you make sure you sleep/rest when they do. It took about a year for both of mine to reliably sleep through the night. It’s actually cruel to try and keep a newborn baby awake all day long, and to be honest would be a losing battle anyway.
Babies do not need a bath every night either, I don’t think it’s good for their skin as I imagine it would dry it out.
your DH needs to start supporting you rather than pander to his mother!

I think some they change so much in the first few weeks people forget each individual stage. Like my husband blotted out that my 3 year old didn’t sleep at night as a baby because by the time she was 3 months she would sleep through 12 hours and has done since. So he would say she was always a great sleeper. I remember taking her downstairs at 2am angrily folding washing and being quite annoyed when she fell asleep as she wouldn’t in her cot upstairs!
I also think it’s a generational thing, even my mum says things like that. Much easier to tell your own Mum to give it a rest though!
DD2 is 7 weeks old and sleeps somewhat at night, she for some reason has skipped the middle of the night feed every other night but in the nights in between still wakes for it 🤷🏼‍♀️. It get easier. They establish their own routine. The only thing I personally do is persevere at putting them back down in their bed between night feeds to establish that it is actually time to sleep. I feel this works for me but could just be random luck!
ps 7 week old is much sleepier than DD1 was and still spends most of the day asleep! We are only just getting decent wake periods where she can play for a little bit! Xx

Your MIL sounds about as helpful as mine with her know it all attitude… at 2 weeks babies sleep A LOT! Read about the fourth trimester and get your husband to also.

You should be allowed to say you’re tired without being made to feel guilty or like you’re doing something wrong.

I’m on my third and he still only sleeps in stretches of 3-4 hours through the night. My other two didn’t sleep through the night until well over a year, for context all have been exclusively breastfed. The majority of my friends babies haven’t slept through the night until several months old, it’s perfectly normal. Don’t feel pressured by MIL or DH to do anything other than what you’re doing and what you want to do, definitely do not put baby to sleep on their front… at the end of the day you’re her mum and you know best! Good luck with MIL, it sounds like she’s going to have a lot of ‘helpful’ advice for you over the coming months… she’ll probably tell you to start weaning next!

Oh, and babies don’t need baths everyday - especially at 2 weeks, it dries out their skin! X

YANBU. My ex-MIL told me she was bringing bottles and a box of formula for my newborn because I “couldn’t feed such a big baby by myself”. Luckily ex-DH firmly told her no. I had no end of warnings about the dangers of breastfeeding on demand and ex-MIL was tearing her hair out when I breastfed for 18 months - DD is now mid-20s and not Velcroed to me. Your MIL had her chance to bring up her own DC - it’s now 2023 and your turn to bring up your baby. Put boundaries in place now and MIL’s bossiness will reduce over time. It’s your way or the highway with a young baby.

Your m’n’law behaved inappropriately but my son did not sleep through the night until he was 4.5 years old so I spent a lot on sleep consultants and she is right about a bath at night as it signals a sleep routine.

Sorry lots of bad advice here. Bathing so frequently is not good for their skin as it dries it out. Bathing as part of a night time routine is great but when when older.
feeding at this age, without cluster feeding, is around 3-4 hourly. Cluster feeding reduces that further. 6 hours would be very rare and not the norm.
while you should accept help where it is offered that is not the same as accepting criticism and bad advice.

I hope you can get some support from your mw or HV, OP, because your idiot husband needs a stern talking to by a professional.

Mine knew better than to claim his DM knew better than us how to care for our baby - but then he’s not an idiot and she was very clear that she knew that things had changed and she didn’t have recent knowledge of best practice.

If everything happened exactly as you describe then yanbu, as waking your sleeping baby is pretty thoughtless.

However I find it quite strange that mil, who has had at least one child herself, would think that a newborn could or should sleep through the night. Did she really say / mean that, or did she mean “sleep better”?

It strikes me that the issue really is the relationship with your mother in law, rather than the advice per se. The bath doesn’t seem an unreasonable suggestion, and you haven’t even tried it. Your baby is only 2 weeks old and changing all the time, how do you know it won’t make any difference? Seems you are dismissing her suggestion out of hand, is she generally rather pushy and you are trying to keep her out of the picture?

I guess my advice would be to take her advice in some areas (or at least appear to listen) and then maybe she will back off on the areas you disagree on.