For taking my baby away from MIL

[firsttimemum990]

My DD is 2 weeks old. She's a terrible sleeper at night (as are most newborns from my understanding), and as a result, I've only been getting a few hours sleep at night. DD tends to sleep quite a lot throughout the day. MIL has basically blamed me for this and says that I need to keep DD awake in the day so that she sleeps at night, as it's not "normal". She's also suggested that I give her a bath every evening as this will "settle her" and "make her sleep through the night". I have been ignoring her advice so far, as I know that it is completely normal for newborns to wake during the night (especially since I BF and DD cluster feeds), and giving them a bath in the evening is unlikely to make any difference.

She visited yesterday, and of course, DD was asleep. I went to use the toilet shortly after she arrived, and on my return, saw that MIL had woken DD up and was lifting her in the air and telling her to "wake up". DD, who was obviously still tired, could barely keep her eyes open and her head was flopping all over the place as she was still half asleep. I immediately went over and took DD from her and told her it's perfectly normal for DD to be sleeping during the day and I don't want her woken up. She made a comment along the lines of "well don't moan at me when you're up all night"

DH is now angry with me as he thinks MIL was "just trying to help" and is now of the opinion that we should be keeping DD awake in the day. He's also accused me of treating her like an "outsider". They are making me feel unreasonable for wanting to just let my baby sleep. I am not going to spend my day waking up my newborn every time she falls asleep. I also read sleep is good for babies development, which I've told DH, but he thinks I'm talking rubbish.

Surely I wasn't being unreasonable for taking the baby from her?! I didn't think I was being unreasonable but I think I've let them get to my head!

You are definitely not being unreasonable. What is going on with all of these MILs. When it comes to babies, they don't seem to be able to control themselves. If she can't be trusted to behave herself and respect your boundaries then she shouldn't come in the house.

Totally show him this thread.

Yes! YADNBU op. Tell DH he needs to support the mother of his child unless he wants to go and live with mummy instead. What a tw@t.

Overtired babies also do not sleep. Often the better they nap the better they sleep at night. they aren’t adults and can sleep too much.

My MIL also told me babies should sleep through the night from birth and to get them to sleep late I just needed to keep them up late. All bullshit.

God, it's tiring enough having a newborn, but add a twat of a husband and a witch of a MiL into the mix...

The key to a baby sleeping through the night is to nail a good daytime routine with naps.

That said, it’s completely irrelevant. It’s your baby and you can do whatever you want. It’s not for your MIL to impose her views on you or your baby. I would be livid.

her head was flopping all over the place as she was still half asleep.

Not because she was sleepy , because she's a newborn who can't support it. MIL should have been supporting her head so it DIDNT flop all over the place.

As for "keeping a new born awake by day to make it sleep at night!!!!!! FTW plante is she on? Seriously, did she not raise DP from birth? Perhaps he was adopted at age 10? Clearly she knows nothing about new babies.

This was in 50s and 60s America. Hospital deliveries were the norm, and women were anesthetized for labour, with babies pretty much dragged out of them work forceps. They then spent two weeks in hospital.

I was born in the 60s in Ireland where home births were a rarity. My mother was partially knocked out for each of her three deliveries. I'm not sure she spent two weeks in hospital each time, but she did spend at least a week as she was still in hospital when I was baptized at the grand old age of seven days.

Totally not unreasonable, I’d have done the same!

2 weeks is still very young, mine literally alternated between feeding and sleeping at that age. I had to change her nappy just to get her roused enough to feed sometimes!

A few things you can do to start teaching her day from night, little things like opening all the curtains and moving to the lounge (even if all you do is sit on the sofa and feed!), place her down in a Moses basket in that room when you nip to the loo, make tea etc. then as it gets towards evening, draw the curtains and dim the lights.

That was in response to @Iwasafool

Frankly, your MIL sounds like an idiot and your husband is an idiot to side with her over this.

Who the hell wakes up a 2 week old baby and then expects them to sleep through the night as a result; at 2 weeks a baby should most definitely not be sleeping through the night.

Small babies sleep when they sleep. Broken nights are part of having a new born.

I do wish posters would stop blaming views like your MIL's on the fact that she's older. It's nothing to do with her age and everything to do with the fact that she's ignorant about what babies need and how they function.

I'm 74 and would never have dreamed of waking up my sleeping babies, at any age, let alone at 2 weeks, nor would I expect small babies to sleep through the night.

She's eleven years younger than me [gasp]. Where is she getting all this nonsense from?

You need to tell your H if he isn't going to support you in parenting the baby then he can return to his mummy.

He needs to stop arguing and adding stress to all the rest of what you're dealing with. You'd manage far better without him and his interference.

The key to baby sleeping through the night is to nail a good daytime routine with naps....

Not at 2 weeks it isn't.

A 2 week old baby should be waking through the night to feed.

There's a whole thread here of women with real-life experience. I've personally had five babies.

Babies need their heads supported when lifted.

Babies have to be put down on their backs because it reduces the risk of SIDS. This is not up for debate.

Two week old babies need to be left to sleep for up to three hours at a stretch. After that, they can be gently encouraged to feed. They need to sleep because brain development occurs during periods of sleep.

Two week old babies do not distinguish between night and day, and no amount of trying will make them hurry up and do that. You go with the flow until they do.

What an odious woman!

A baby's stomach is so tiny they can only hold a little milk which is why they need to be fed every 4 or so hours ie thry wake up for a feed in the night. At around 8-14 weeks when their stomach is bigger, they may sleep through the night. Both mine did at c10 weeks.

Your MIL and DH know nothing. Are they called Jon Snow???

Why are you complaining so much about being awake at night, after a merely two hole weeks, to the point that mil feels the need to intervene though.. .
Same as with the head wobble. Did you expect a 2 week old to have complete neck control and no waking during the night? Your post reads like you didn't read 'what to expect when expecting ' 🤐

Tell your mil to bud out and to get both yourself and dh a book about babies to learn a few things about what to expect.

I woke my babies up when they slept 'too long' during the day though. And as early as 4 weeks. Because i recognised a pattern in their sleep/awakeness. Which resulted in a tired and sometimes cranky baby but on the upside: they both did sleep 11 hours straight without waking once from 8 weeks on. Bliss. I was hated in my mums group as all their babies kept waking through the night for months and sometimes even years.
I do believe in the so called rod for your back. But I also believe that your mil has nothing to do with your baby's sleep. And your dh should try to be on your side. Especially if you are the one that has to deal with the nightfeeds as your are breastfeeding...

Seriously, I would have cast out anyone who dared to wake my baby at that age (to be fair, at any age). Jesus wept. Well done for asserting yourself OP - keep doing that and they get the message. Your baby, your way -
agree with advice re your DH, he needs to get 100% the f%@k onto your team right now or there will be a consequence.

YANBU
i have a 6 week old, he sleeps the majority of the day and is awake more at night….although we are gradually turning it around a little bit but definitely at 2 weeks old he slept all day. Newborn Babies need around 18 hours of sleep per day, they will literally wake up to eat and that’s all.

Also my little boy has maybe had 3-4
baths in the last 6 weeks, on average once a week (after his cord had fell off) and 2 of those have been due to nappy explosions. Newborns don’t need a bath every night and they advise against this too.

can you ask your midwife/health visitor about these things whilst husband is present so he can hear from a professional that MIL is wrong?

I have 'real life experience'. My second child, until he was 3 weeks old, slept all day, apart from feeding, and was awake most of the night. Nobody who came to visit saw his eyes for ages. We would sometimes try to wake him (gently!) but it didn't make any difference. We also did give him baths most evenings but that didn't make any difference either. It was quite difficult, but only because I had to get up early to take my other child to school. Then one day he suddenly changed and stopped doing it.

Where in my post did I say that I didn't expect the baby to wake up? Did you actually read it? Because if you did, you would see that I said I'm fully aware that newborns wake frequently during the night, which is what I've been trying to tell MIL and DH, and is one of the reasons I took the baby from her, because I know that no amount of trying to keep her up in the day will make her sleep through the night. I do not need a book on 'what to expect' thanks. How condescending.

In regards to my "complaining", I don't see anything wrong with talking about the things I've been finding difficult as a new mum, including being sleep deprived. Sleep deprivation is actually a form of torture! Yes I knew what to expect, but absolutely nothing prepares you for having a child, no matter how many books you've read. I thought I had a safe space to express these things, especially to MIL who is supposed to be family, but obviously not, lesson learned.

Oh my goodness please don’t beat yourself up. Be proud of yourself, it’s your baby, you are a first time mum? Follow your intuition. Newborn babies sleep constantly. You physically cannot keep them awake during the day! You are also well within your right to talk about being kept awake all night. Don’t doubt yourself, if you ask someone for advice you can take it or not. Unsolicited advice is the worst. Trust your instinct, honestly you know best x

OMG, I’d have flattened her!! Your DH is out of order to defend her.

Unsolicited newborn advice is THE WORST. Especially when none of it fucking works, you know it won’t fucking work and the smug twats dispensing the advice couldn’t look after a Tamagotchi let alone a baby.

Your DH and MIL are idiots. Good luck.

Your MIL is right. Babies need help to regulate their sleep hormone so they can differentiate between day and night. You do this by sunlight exposure during the day, and a clear bedtime routine at night. Bath at night is actually suggested by many sleep experts. Also, btw, at two weeks babies should actually sleep a long stretch at night, including many doing a six hour stretch (if healthy weight and not hungry). The sleep regression actually kicks in around 12 weeks of age, and onwards. If you are struggling with new born phase there are plenty of books/ online resources/ courses to help you better understand this phase. I would actually also accept whatever help any trusted family member is offering - you need to rest as much as possible. Best of luck

What? A 2 week old baby cannot differentiate between day and night, as many PP's have already highlighted. Also, I'm not sure who all these 'many newborns' who are sleeping long stretches at night are, but it is very normal, (especially for BF babies who cluster feed) for newborn babies to wake frequently throughout the night. My baby is not doing anything that is out of the ordinary. Maybe it's you who needs to read some books/online resources/courses to better understand this phase.