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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To message my ex-best friend?

77 replies

FattyAirways · 16/04/2023 08:20

My best friend and I had a disagreement in January. I was uninvited from a group night out by him and when I asked him about it, he got really arsey. He had also been unkind before that which I called him out on, so the friendship had become somewhat fragile. Despite this, he was my best friend and we texted each other a lot each day and shared our lives with each other.

After the disagreement, he blocked me on social media and we haven't spoken since. I have seen him around six times in our local city on the commute but he pretends he hasn't seen me and I walk on by. The problem is, I really miss him terribly. I have been thinking about getting in touch with him, but if he didn't reply, I wouldn't cope with the rejection too well. Has anyone else been in this situation?

OP posts:
PaigeMatthews · 16/04/2023 09:46

FattyAirways · 16/04/2023 09:27

That's it, I feel like I would lose face if I messaged him. No way do I want to do that. I just feel so lonely :(

Show quote history

Op, do you work? If so is it out of the house? what do you like to do in your spare time? What exercise do you do?

you were using this man, who treated you poorly, to fill the gaps. He wasnt a good friend. You're mislabelling him because he served a bigger purpose to you than being a friend. You mistook him for a romantic interest recently to fill that gap, not because he was in any way suitable.

you 100% need to cut him out of your life and thoughts. In order to do that successfully you need to fill up the gap you used him to cover.

people have suggested and can suggest ways for you to do that. It is difficult at the start but it soon become routine.

What are you interested in?

CheersForThatEh · 16/04/2023 09:59

FattyAirways · 16/04/2023 08:58

He was making personal insults to me, attacking my personality mostly. I am a nice person, I think it was a reason to damage the friendship with a view to it ending.

Show quote history

So he wasnt nice to you, you had feelings for him and now you are tempted to beg him to come back into your life?

Sorry to sound harsh but I think you need to stay well away and work on your self esteem. You are at serious risk of entering damaging and abusive relationships with your current mindset.

Join some clubs, volunteer, make some friends that way and focus on building a life of positive interactions so you can build resilience to assholes and quickly shut down toxic people trying to get into your life.

You say you're a nice person. There are lots of other nice people to be friends with x

FiddleLeaf · 16/04/2023 10:03

I think you should let it go & grieve the end of the friendship.

It doesn’t sound very healthy on either side & it reads that you’re either after a partner or he’s a void filler for the lack of other friends. He’s vile to you & true friends are not that way.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 16/04/2023 10:13

My best friend and I haven't spoken for ages now. She ghosted me in the run up to my wedding and it was all about Covid and blaming me for lockdowns etc etc. the last time I went round to see her she had become this negative angry person. Anyway she was still my bridesmaid but did nothing towards my wedding. Everyone was telling me to just make her a guest but I carried on because we'd been friends for 37 years. Since tiny children. Anyway we agreed to move on then she started again. Didn't even wish my dd a happy birthday so I unfriended her on Facebook and even though I miss her and it hurts a lot I realise what an awful friend she had been to me.

7eleven · 16/04/2023 10:25

Leave it. He doesn’t want a friendship and you need to let go.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 16/04/2023 10:27

FattyAirways · 16/04/2023 09:42

He got a new boyfriend around the time we fell out. It felt almost like he was disappointed that I wasn't bothered he had met someone. I genuinely didn't have feelings for him at that point and was pleased he had found someone. He had said that he'd known I had feelings for ages for him before I had told him, so when I told him and that I needed us to communicate less while I got over the feelings, I really think that he missed the attention I gave him, the love I had for him. After that it became a normal friendship and I think that might have got to him.

In honesty I think you're a bit deluded. You had feelings for him, he didn't as he's gay and now the friendships over, it's time to move on. He won't be missing you like you miss him. He avoids you if you pass each other. You need to leave him alone and move on.

Spongecake556 · 16/04/2023 10:41

I have lost a friend too along the years. Without sounding dramatic- it was far worse than any relationship break up I have ever been through.
You’re right- it is like a bereavement in a way.
You are upset over the loss of a friend and all of the good times you had together and you think it could it fixed as he is still around.
We always forget the bad times though! The thing that got me through was just trying to remember the reason in the first place and remember how she had made me feel.
It's very hard- but unless you want to be on that rollercoaster of emotions again with him, knowing you could get dropped at any stage, I wouldn’t bother going back to him.
It would be useful if you could put yourself out there and join some groups in your area- reading, walking or other groups. Maybe you have a local page on FB that you could join to see what people in the area are doing?
Just always remember- fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.
Good luck OP- I hope you find some peace.

Chickychoccyegg · 16/04/2023 10:50

This sounds hard op, but you can't contact him, it sounds as if from his point of view the friendship is over, and he wad horrible to you anyway, so thsts a good thing.
You need to work on your own self esteem, and get out there and meet other people , is there any local groups you could join? Round my way there's free walking and running groups, choir, drama for adults, and I'm sure there's others too, is there anything like that where you live? You'd soon get to meet lots of people.
What about through your work? Any friendships that could be built there? A gym or class you could join?

Irritateandunreasonable · 16/04/2023 11:35

FattyAirways · 16/04/2023 09:42

He got a new boyfriend around the time we fell out. It felt almost like he was disappointed that I wasn't bothered he had met someone. I genuinely didn't have feelings for him at that point and was pleased he had found someone. He had said that he'd known I had feelings for ages for him before I had told him, so when I told him and that I needed us to communicate less while I got over the feelings, I really think that he missed the attention I gave him, the love I had for him. After that it became a normal friendship and I think that might have got to him.

You’re overthinking this to the point it’s affecting your MH. This needs to stop honestly. The friendships over stop questioning if he’s thinking of you or misses you and move on.

Original poster
FattyAirways · 16/04/2023 15:53

Thanks for all your replies. I think everyone agrees that I should keep my dignity and not get in touch with him which is what I am going to do. I'll look up where I can meet new people and hopefully meet friends who are a bit nicer.

OP posts:
JulieHoney · 16/04/2023 17:18

FattyAirways · 16/04/2023 09:29

I just have a question that pops into my head regularly. After such a close, often dependent (on both sides) friendship, do you think he misses me?

OP, I think he’s relieved.

What was once a friendship had changed dramatically when you were pining for him
romantically. You are far too emotionally invested in a gay man who could never return your feelings.

He’s been criticising you in a bid to push you away, he acts unkindly. When he sees you he blanks you. He decided never interacting with you was preferable to being your friend, so for him at least the friendship had soured beyond redemption.

You were once very close. That has ended. It’s normal to grieve the end of something, but it’s also essential you move on.

Original poster
FattyAirways · 17/04/2023 18:07

I feel really sad about the whole situation.

OP posts:
Lemur97 · 17/04/2023 20:20

FattyAirways · 17/04/2023 18:07

I feel really sad about the whole situation.

It's normal to be sad. Treat it like a bereavement.

Don't block him. If he ever wants to speak he can contact you.

SparklingChampagneAndStrawberries · 17/04/2023 20:46

I honestly wouldn’t bother. This happened to me and it felt like a bereavement at the time. However, I got over it in the end and realised that the friendship had simply run its course. Not all friendships are for life. I’m sure you’ll find someone else who’s more deserving of you.

Phoebo · 18/04/2023 03:31

I agree with PP. Losing a good friend is similar to a bereavement as in you do feel sad and grieve somewhat. It sounds like they aren't good for you, so acknowledge your sadness and move forward.

Original poster
FattyAirways · 18/04/2023 04:41

Thanks all for your advice. I will look for a new hobby hopefully to take my mind off the sadness I am feeling and also to make new friends. It's a daunting prospect, but one that needs to happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
FattyAirways · 23/04/2023 10:03

I have resisted the urge to message him but it's so hard. When will it get easier? He was an arsehole but I miss the fun times greatly.

OP posts:
7eleven · 23/04/2023 11:23

It will get easier x

WoofWoofBeachLife · 23/04/2023 12:18

@FattyAirways I remember your thread from before, he's a nasty piece of work. As well as the PP suggestions have you considered some counselling sessions to help you take the next steps forward. I recently had a few with an occupational therapist to cope with my illness and also how to deal with specific feelings and behaviours. You sound such a lovely person. Don't forget the good times but keep mindful of the times he made you feel like total shite.

girlfriend44 · 23/04/2023 12:32

Nobody is irreplaceable, there are plenty of human beings around looking for friends.

Original poster
FattyAirways · 23/04/2023 16:42

Thank you. It feels like a ghastly breakup. It's often all-consuming of my thoughts. I'm glad to hear that it gets easier.

OP posts:
Original poster
FattyAirways · 23/04/2023 16:43

@WoofWoofBeachLife I feel like I may be pathetic to go for counselling over this, though I have thought about it.

OP posts:
WoofWoofBeachLife · 23/04/2023 21:56

You're not pathetic in anyway, shape or form. Have a look tomorrow and see if there's anyone close to you or if you're GP can recommend someone. You might already have someone in the practice who can help. X

Bunnichick · 23/04/2023 22:13

You need to step back. From what you've said you'd have very little self respect if you text him anyway in my opinion. It is possible to make new friends. I made some friends through a Mumsnet thread on here a few years ago. If you start a thread about making new friends you might find you have lots of replies.

Original poster
FattyAirways · 24/04/2023 23:36

We have always shared the good times and not so good times in life, and for the past few days there's been something that I have been wanting to share with him so very much but i've been strong and refrained from contacting him but it's been difficult.

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