To message my ex-best friend?

[FattyAirways]

My best friend and I had a disagreement in January. I was uninvited from a group night out by him and when I asked him about it, he got really arsey. He had also been unkind before that which I called him out on, so the friendship had become somewhat fragile. Despite this, he was my best friend and we texted each other a lot each day and shared our lives with each other.

After the disagreement, he blocked me on social media and we haven't spoken since. I have seen him around six times in our local city on the commute but he pretends he hasn't seen me and I walk on by. The problem is, I really miss him terribly. I have been thinking about getting in touch with him, but if he didn't reply, I wouldn't cope with the rejection too well. Has anyone else been in this situation?

I think that’s very presumptuous tbh. There’s no need to out accusations I’m OPs head as we don’t know the ins and outs and his reason for going NC. Not everyone that goes NC is a narcissist - they just need to do what’s right for them and that’s ok.

Well what was his shittiness that you picked him up on?

I can see that I would be annoyed if I was just being my (somewhat shitty) self and someone was telling me off all the time.

I'd think eiher it was bad enough to not be my friend or you know who I am so stop niggling at me.

Ah I thought it all seemed familiar.

OP, in the kindest way, you need to move on and leave him alone now.

It sounds like you made him a substitute for a partner in your mind, rather than a friend. Knowing him impacts your life
as it stops you finding a suitable partner and it has stopped you making suitable friends.

you need to actively put yourself out there to meet new people. Female friends.

how do you spend your free time now?

He was making personal insults to me, attacking my personality mostly. I am a nice person, I think it was a reason to damage the friendship with a view to it ending.

People often act strangely. My BIL has decided to completely ignore his siblings because of very minor things that just don’t make sense to me. Eg because one sibling went out to dinner at a restaurant near him without extending an invite. BIL does have a history of cutting people out for trivial reasons.

These things seem petty and minor but often they can amplify in someone’s head.

Oh gosh, I wouldn't know where to start making new friends.

Don’t contact him, it will only end badly. He’ll ignore or block, but in the unlikely event he does respond, he’ll say something that will hurt you.

If he blanks you in the street there’s no way he’ll respond to a message.

He was making personal insults to me, attacking my personality mostly

counselling is important here i think. You need to unravel why you want him as a friend at all.

what does your weekly life look like now? Work? Exercise? Activities?

I really feel for you, I do. You sound a little Co dependent and I think as your only friend this could have been quite a burden on him?

I’m not criticising you, I genuinely feel for you but the answer is not to invite yourself back into someone’s life who doesn’t want you there.

Please - go and join a club and meet a group of people and see how you get on, the answer to your loneliness is not with your ex friend.

Try not to demonise him, the only thing you can look at is your part in all of this and why he may have got a little tired of you and use that knowledge to be more aware of peoples thought and feelings in the future.

You have to try and make new friends. Join clubs, groups etc and find people who share your interests.

sounds like this one got a bit intense and personal and it was too much for him for whatever reason. If you have more friends you might regain this friendship anyway but it will matter far less which is much healthier

It's so hard when this happens and a friend cuts you out. I've been through similar and I was absolutely gutted however it was a toxic friendship and very unhealthy. Even if you patch things up now how long will it be untill you say the wrong thing, according to him, and you find yourself out in the cold again?
Go through the pain now and start to build yourself up again. It's not easy to make new friends as an adult, so I'm not glibly suggesting you to do that but volunteering is a great start or as others have suggested meet up groups, joining a club etc. It can take time but be your own best mate in the meantime. You deserve better.

I still miss a friend who stopped contact years ago, but I wouldn’t dream
of getting in touch! At the time - pre-FB etc I did try as I was ghosted, essentially, but just gave up after a while of no returned texts.
its natural to miss people esp if you’ve been close or gone through a lot together, she’s probably the person I miss most out of all the friends I’ve lost touch with for whatever reason, but you need to keep your pride intact - and find new friends!

He was making personal insults to me, attacking my personality mostly.

What sort of friend does that? He sounds awful and you're well rid of him. You really need to focus on getting to know new nicer people. Volunteer/join meet up/bumble, anything to give you a wider pool of people who could turn out to be better "friends" than he was.

He is not your friend. Find new and better friends. X

He’s no friend. @FattyAirways you know this.

yes it’s a bereavement of sorts so just use this time to heal, it will get easier.

your life IS better without him in it.

This⬆️
let it go and move on!

Yes I have and I walked away.
No way would I go chuck my pride and dignity in the bin and go crawling back round someone who treated me like shit .

Someone cannot be both a good friend and treat you badly.

It's one or the other.

That's it, I feel like I would lose face if I messaged him. No way do I want to do that. I just feel so lonely :(

I just have a question that pops into my head regularly. After such a close, often dependent (on both sides) friendship, do you think he misses me?

Sorry OP but a real friend wouldn't treat you that way.

Not in the way you miss him

It's ok and normal to miss him. You can have those feelings but the feelings can't be more important than your self respect. Let yourself grieve the friendship but don't chase after him and don't go backwards. He isn't treating you well and you know it.

He attacked/criticised you

You called him out on his words

He blocked you and is now ignoring you

Hes done all the above before

Yet you want to be friends with him because you have no other friends

Read the above a few times. If you were advising a loved one, wouldn't you say 'stop being so needy and such a door mat, move on, get a hobby, live your life'

He got a new boyfriend around the time we fell out. It felt almost like he was disappointed that I wasn't bothered he had met someone. I genuinely didn't have feelings for him at that point and was pleased he had found someone. He had said that he'd known I had feelings for ages for him before I had told him, so when I told him and that I needed us to communicate less while I got over the feelings, I really think that he missed the attention I gave him, the love I had for him. After that it became a normal friendship and I think that might have got to him.