To wish I hadn’t told food bank about my benefits

[AreweCf]

preparing to be slated so putting my hard hat on. DH had been running a business but devastatingly has had to stop due to mental health issues which he is getting counselling for. He has had to claim benefits (we are definitely claiming all we’re entitled to) but it’s still a huge drop in income. I’m a SAHM to my very high needs neurodivergent DC who are expensive in every way, before my DH became unemployed he had been footing the huge bill for their restricted diet, days out, groups, classes, toys, lessons, high heating costs, high everything costs, could go on, there are some things we have had to cut, but without these things there is a noticeable effect in my DC’s. Benefits won’t cover all of our rent either. We get our next benefit payment in 2 weeks, and our money won’t last us that long. Now, we thought we could use a food bank to help spread our money a bit further. All the food banks in the area are the same, and after honestly explaining my situation, they literally expect us to completely deplete our bank account balance down to pennies before they will help us. we’re not rolling in it, nor do we have have absolutely nothing in our accounts, but in our situation it’s not ok to be completely financially vulnerable. Are we CF’s for asking?

I said it's a wide variety if tastes and textures, which it is.

Sorry OP, it sounds hard but YABU. Food banks are in high demand and short supply and are for people who cannot afford food. If you can, but just prefer to spend the money elsewhere or save it then others will -rightfully - take priority.

ARFID is connected to sensory issues and has nothing at all to do with nutrition, cooking skills or anything else. And parents don’t ‘enable it’ - quite the opposite, because often if they don’t source or can’t afford the specific brand and type of food, the child won’t eat it. Nothing to do with being fussy or difficult, or anything else. It’s a sensory issue among other things.

If someone was suffering so severely with psychosis of any kind, as you describe they would likely be sectioned under the mental health act and detained temporarily while they are treated. And your hunch is wrong. Whether male or female, depression can be severe and debilitating, and similarly so if it’s a breakdown brought on by the pressures of running a business in the present climate. You’re implying that he’s a man baby with absolutely no evidence to support that, given we don’t know what the problem is or how severe.

@Rosscameasdoody While I agree there are too many excuses for men, people are not necessarily sectioned with psychosis.

The point you keep missing by banging on about McDonalds is that she has little choice if he won’t eat anything else. What do you want her to do, watch him starve ? Because that’s literally the alternative. What’s healthy and nutritious goes out of the window with something like ARFID, it becomes a nightmare of finding something the child will eat. Why do you not get that ?

I didn’t say they were, I said they likely would be if they were a danger to themselves or anyone else as that poster was suggesting.

People can only speak from experience though, and I’m not romanticising. I have good memories of people who came together to help out if someone was in difficulty. And I am disabled myself. In the 1960s attitudes were starting to change. I went to a mainstream school and my parents made sure I had as normal a life as possible. At the time I was born, and with the disability I was born with it was, as you say, common for disabled people to be institutionalised. I was lucky, and this is one of the ways in which society has changed for the better, although I think with successive Tory governments bent on unpicking 60 years of progress in disability issues, things are going a bit backwards now. Interestingly the medical term ‘Spastic’ was changed to Cerebral palsy and the Spastic Society changed its name to Scope, simply because the term Spastic had been bastardised into an insult. The term is still used medically and there is a form of CP called Spastic CP, when muscle tone is affected making movement stiff and difficult.

So you don’t for a minute assume we are trying other methods every day, all day? But whilst we are trying, we can’t simply not feed our DS….because he would die.

You’re wasting your breath @Verbena17. Some people just use MN threads as sport. @impz has posted some of the most contentious and ignorant stuff I’ve seen on this thread - not worth the effect on your blood pressure.

@impz

If you think getting your son a McDonald's every day is sustainable for his physical or mental health or your finances then fine but it doesn't sound sustainable to me and I would look for other ways of resolving the problem.

Whereas I'm sure the parents on this thread dealing with this issue in their real lives are just twiddling their thumbs and not looking into other ways to tackle the issue...

How patronising you think they aren't looking for other ways to tackle it 🙄

Very true - think I’ll go and make tea and not given it another thought. 😉

Wow! There really is such little compassion and understanding on this thread.

If people haven't walked a mile in the shoes of another poster they really shouldn't pass comment.

This is the first thread I've read that has been vile this week either

The lack of mental health bed situation is abysmal I agree. But IF that were the case (that he was a danger to himself and others) then surely he shouldn’t even be in the same house with the children? I’m not saying that IS the case but it’s a case of you can’t have it both ways.. is somebody very seriously mentally Ill to the point of being unfit for work and childcare or not?

He could be unable to provide childcare but not ill enough for hospital, there is a middle ground. (Or there may be other reasons - with DS, me being ill is a trigger for violent meltdowns.)

My point was really that it shouldn't be assumed that if he were a danger to himself or others that he would be in hospital. Even people who have recently tried suicide aren't necessarily in hospital, people who have recently and consistently said they were going to kill themselves, are not necessarily in hospital

There’s so little awareness and understanding of the disgusting paucity of mental health facilities for the seriously mentally unwell on this thread. In the interests of total disclosure, my brother, an Oxbridge graduate and high-flying corporate lawyer, had a catastrophic mental health breakdown following the sudden and unexpected death of our father during the COVID pandemic. DB, previously a fully functioning member of society and, to his shame, a Conservative voter, was ‘arrested’ and handcuffed as he played chicken on a motorway. No bed on a psychiatric ward was found for him. It was only when DB climbed over a high wall to access railway lines to kill himself but was thwarted and filmed by fellow passengers - who stood by - while bloodied and battered that the film came to my attention. I ‘reported’ him to the British Transport Police who were amazing. Within 30 minutes of my report, a team of (previously disinterested) social workers arrived at the door. My brother was sectioned and eventually spent six months on various psychiatric wards. He is now fully recovered and has resumed his law career. I sincerely hope that he will never vote Conservative again, especially as he is the uncle of two children who are both significantly Neurodiversity.

As mental health services are spread ever more thinner, the services for those with severe mental health issues have been reduced.

Could you possibly be more ignorant? Giving a child with ARFID food they will actually eat isn't enabling their eating disorder, it's stopping the child from starving.

• Spastic (word), a pejorative used against disabled people

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spastic

It was used in many more places than the playground. Spasticity is a different word.

The OP would have had the referral to the food bank because of her benefits, and would have been asked about any savings. And yet another poster assuming that DH is capable of looking after 2 high needs children despite a potentially serious MH problem.

it would be a very slow board then, most likely not exist?

2 high needs children (that dont have ages) that DH cannot look after with his mental health, but was previously self employed, and family dont get DLA/PIP/Carers Allowance (appealing - how long has this claim been in?)

Based on the data already provided at least one adult in the household could actually get a job

There is a factually correct explanation of the word ‘Spastic’ in a post upthread. Spastic is a legitimate medical term formerly used to describe the condition Cerebral Palsy(CP) and the Spastic Society, now known as Scope and representing those with CP. The word came to be used as a slur and bullying term against disabled children and adults with any and all visible disabilities, and the renaming was in recognition of that. It is still used as a medical term in connection with CP though. Spasticity is a condition in which an abnormal increase in muscle tone or stiffness of muscle can interfere with movement, speech, and causes discomfort or pain. It’s caused by damage to nerve pathways within the brain or spinal cord that control muscle movement, and is present in about 80% of people with CP in addition to the motor disorder which causes CP.

No data on whether DH gets PIP, so that doesn’t mean he doesn’t, and if he does, it would signify a substantial MH problem, as its’ extremely difficult to claim for a MH condition unless you are receiving secondary care. And I don’t understand the relevance of the length of time of the claim for child DLA. Given that OP is appealing the decision, it could be quite a while, and if the claim is for mobility component, the child would have to be over the age of three at least. So how do you arrive at the conclusion that work is feasible for either of them ?

I think it’s fairly unreasonable of you to put restrictions on what I can and can’t do in my own time. According to you, I’m not allowed to think about or do anything else in between thinking about this? Jog on

Hi op , sorry you were unable to access the food bank as you wanted. If you have money, even a small amount, you have means to buy food food banks are there for when you have nothing.
I realise the money you set aside is to make your children's lives easier and the consequences of not having toys , days out , groups ect will have a greater impact on them due to their disabilities, but you now find yourself in the position we're you have to prioritise food over days out .
Unfortunately there are many people having to do this so I understand them turning you away as you do have some funds .
As others have suggested you need to re visit any benefits you can claim, look into working and start making the hard decisions as to how you prioritise your money.