To think that my DH and I are growing apart due to political differences?

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DH and I met 15 years ago. We were both fairly liberal and centre in terms of politics and subsequent discussions were amicable. Fast forward all those years and he’s turned more to the right, whereas I’ve gone more to the left.

We differ now about almost everything: Brexit, refugees, unions and strikes. I feel that he’s become a real Tory bore to be honest. Has this happened to anyone else? Obviously we do try and be respectful of each other and have good debates about politics but fundamentally I feel that we aren’t as close as we once were. He’s a lot older than me too and he has become cynical, grumpy and argumentative whereas I’ve got a lot more energy and vitality to me. Sometimes I really crave a decent left wing professor to spend my evenings with. (Partly joking about that, but you get the gist)

I manage to ignore it quite happily as a dyed in the wool Labour of 50 years. There’s a lot more to my bloke than the way he votes. And morality is a lot bigger than political inclination.

Labour voter!

And I think that the politically under-informed are dangerous.

OP, I couldn’t stay married to someone whose politics diverged from mine, and I couldn’t parent effectively with him. Increasing right-wingness on her previously leftist DH’s part was part of what ended my friend’s marriage.

Me and DH have similar issues, though I'm the one on the right and he's left. What I have noticed is that he takes it very personally when people (not just me) don't agree with his view and gets very upset, seems to take it as a personal rejection, whereas I view it just as having a discussion where we have different view points. I can accept that he has a different opinion, but find it hard to understand why he gets so upset at me not sharing his opinion. I now try to avoid political discussions with him!

Oof! Harsh but true.

My experience is once someone has accumulated some wealth then they move right.

My left and left of centre friends are either skint or very, very wealthy (so can afford to be benevolent).

I've been a centralist of years now, as conversely we're neither skint or rich but just muddling along in the middle.

There's a quote accredited to Churchill about how if we're not liberal when young we have no heart but then if we're not conservative by middle age we have no brain. No idea if he actually did say that though.

Me too. We disagree about some minor details but fundamentally we are on the same page.
I can’t understand people who say:- Just don’t talk about politics. DH and I, we don’t talk about politics, we talk about life and its problems.

No way could I be with somebody whose politics were so different to mine. Politics is important to me

It's because he doesn't just see it as a different view point. He sees it as a reflection of the kind of person you are, your morals and your values. I would be upset too if I was forced to face the fact that my partner didn't share the basic moral values that I consider to be important, and I would be questioning whether I still wanted to spend the rest of my life with him if that were the case. It hurts when you realise that your partner is not the person you thought they were, I guess.

I don't think people on the right will ever fully understand this perspective because they don't view politics through the same lens.

I am curious though as to where people draw the line. For those who think it doesn't matter if you have different political opinions, would that also apply if your partner started to express e.g. racist, sexist or homophobic views. Would those views also be seen as just a different point of view that didn't really matter, or would you start to question your relationship?

I guess what I'm really asking is, is it simply that some people don't understand why some people on the left find right wing views morally unacceptable, or is it that they just don't care about what their partner believes about anything?

For those who think it doesn't matter if you have different political opinions, would that also apply if your partner started to express e.g. racist, sexist or homophobic views. Would those views also be seen as just a different point of view that didn't really matter, or would you start to question your relationship?

It wouldn’t apply for me because those things are about values and who you are fundamentally as a human. They’re not a different point of view, they go far deeper than that. The main political difference between me and my bloke is that he’d prefer a smaller state and lower taxes, I’d rather pay more tax and have decent public services. I actually feel quite sorry for him right now because he’s been squirming at the behaviour of his party since 2019 but can’t bring himself to vote any other way. A bit like me with Corbyn.

I think fundamentally we do have the same concerns for the poor and marginalised in society, and are both very involved in addressing this at grass roots level, but we have disagreements over how best to address the issues at a government level. Plus DH can never see any good in the Tories and can never concede that Labour can do any wrong. Whereas I feel I have a more nuanced view, there is good and bad in every individual and in every political party (and I dont always vote Tory!). I would never blindly support anyone just because they are Conservative, whereas DH always has an excuse for anything Labour might do, eg past failure to deal with racism under Corbyn, current personal ad attacks on Sunak... Tbh I'm looking forward to Labour getting in to government because then DH won't be able to blame everything on the evil Tories!

Interesting.

For me, it is about values as well. I just think those values impact heavily on whether you lean left or right. It's fine to believe in a small state/low taxes etc in theory but do those people voting somehow close their eyes to the damage that Tory policies are doing in practice to the poorest and most vulnerable in our society or do they just not care? Or is it that they have somehow convinced themselves that the poor and disabled are undeserving of help/need to try harder etc.

I don't see how it can not be about morals, personally. Unless it is genuinely just ignorance about the level of suffering that is being caused?

So you work with the poor but you genuinely don't see how much worse things get every time the Tories are in power? I am honestly surprised by that. I don't think I know a single person with direct experience of working with the poorest in our society who doesn't believe that the Tories are a major part of the problem... and I know a lot of people who are involved in this kind of work. The stats back it up as well.

I get that the weird blind devotion to Labour would be annoying. I have been disappointed with them personally on many different levels, but I still don't understand why anyone thinks that the Tories will do a better job of creating a fairer society. That isn't really what they are about.

I think maybe our different perspectives are due to the fact my work is as a volunteer (I do also have a paid job!) whereas his is his paid employment? So maybe I should accept he knows better? But I think it is his dogmaticism in relation to politics that maybe gets my back up and makes me argue the other way. I supported him 100% in taking a major pay cut to move into working in his current job, and absolutely support his aims, so hopefully I'm not a completely heartless bastard! I will be genuinely happy if Labour improve things for those who àre at the bottom of the economic ladder, I just am pessimistic that they will be competent to do so as well as managing the whole of the wider economy. We would all love to throw endless money at problems, but sometimes that can't solve complex underlying problems.

'throw endless money' probably sounds a bit OTT - i mean it would be great if there were no financial constraints to solving problems

Well, I can't comment on the specific dynamics of your relationship, obviously, but I don't doubt that his dogmatism is annoying, and I can see why it pushes you to argue the opposite point of view. However, on the other hand, there is probably a huge amount of frustration on his part that you just don't see what he sees. I know I would really struggle with that.

I think when you're seeing the impact of Tory policy all day every day, it's actually incredibly hard not to feel very angry at the people who keep voting them in, and it would be hard to think of your own partner potentially being part of that.

And honestly, yes, having done both, I do think you get a different picture as a volunteer and as a professional. I know I did.

It wears you down, after a while. It's a privilege to be in a position to help, but seeing the sheer volume of suffering and the extent to which it has increased, day in, day out... it's exhausting, it's relentless and it makes you start to lose faith in humanity.

And yes, it makes me feel a lot of rage. I don't understand how we as a society - a so-called developed country - are allowing people to live like that in this day and age.

🤣😂🤣😂 what does this mean?

I have noticed in both settings that people will only admit to being Conservative in one-one conversations, when we know each other really well.

Sounds like you're ashamed to admit supporting a party hell bent on destroying so many ordinary people's lives.

Recently, more conservative radio stations and TV channels have come out, and my conservative friends have found it a huge relief to finally hear their views being normalised.

What like GB News, where disinformation, racism, antisemitism, sexism, antivax, conspiracy theories are all perfectly acceptable because fucking free speech innit. These kind of views? At least you've found your safe space eh.

I think you have to learn to live with it. Centre-right or centre-left are both legitimate democratic positions. So long as he is not a fascist and you are not a communist, it should be perfectly possible for you to live under the same roof.
Imagine he had always been a floating voter and sometimes voted Labour, sometimes Conservative - the only two UK parties which can realistically form the Government.
It is quite common to become more conservative as you age, so he is hardly unusual in that.
It is also as you mature that you have more to lose financially from a left-wing Government or may now worry about being in a position to pass more on to your children. Maybe he just cares about free speech, doesn't like cancel culture and 'gender identity ideology'. I know I don't and so cannot currently support the Labour party although I was once a member.

I think you have to learn to live with it.

No, the OP has to decide whether she can learn to live with it or whether it's a deal breaker for her.

It doesn't really matter if people on MN think she should tolerate his views or walk away or whatever. It's a very personal decision, and only the OP can decide whether this is a big enough issue to end the relationship or whether she can find some way of making peace with it. Neither conclusion would be wrong, it just depends how strongly she feels about it.

For those that don't discuss 'politics', what do you discuss? Would you talk about the NHS strikes, pay, benefits, education, people dying in small boats, passport backlogs, etc etc etc That's all politics.

It's not about who you vote for but are your values aligned? I couldn't be with someone whose values I find abhorrent and that's what a person's politics are formed from.

If my partners values/ethics/politics changed dramatically it would change who they are and I would absolutely not want to be with them.

I'd find it impossible to be truly connected with someone whose politics and values are vastly different. Unless they were respectful of difference..
Not all lefties are loonies and not all tories are tossers....
Though it's the other things that make him sound rather unpleasant to live with.

Labour = good
Tory = Evil
Do you have any idea how juvenile that approach is?
It is a secret ballot for a reason.

Yes. It is just an x on a piece of paper every 5 years and only makes any difference if you live in a marginal seat.