To think that my DH and I are growing apart due to political differences?

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DH and I met 15 years ago. We were both fairly liberal and centre in terms of politics and subsequent discussions were amicable. Fast forward all those years and he’s turned more to the right, whereas I’ve gone more to the left.

We differ now about almost everything: Brexit, refugees, unions and strikes. I feel that he’s become a real Tory bore to be honest. Has this happened to anyone else? Obviously we do try and be respectful of each other and have good debates about politics but fundamentally I feel that we aren’t as close as we once were. He’s a lot older than me too and he has become cynical, grumpy and argumentative whereas I’ve got a lot more energy and vitality to me. Sometimes I really crave a decent left wing professor to spend my evenings with. (Partly joking about that, but you get the gist)

Hmm, I’d say what you describe doesn’t bode well.

DH and I have always differed somewhat politically. He is right leaning, and I’m left leaning. But it has always been that way, and we have always been able to have reasonable discussions.

To be honest, he is probably better defined as a libertarian than right wing, per se.

He was - and still is - a Remainer. And he volunteers for the Red Cross, helping settle refugee families locally.

So while he might naturally lean one way ideologically, he is a reasonable, humane person.

So it means we have good discussions and help each other see differing viewpoints.

How Tory is he?
How left are you?
Both extremist? No common ground? What exactly is it that you can't agree on?

I dunno.
The ideal scenario is that times are stable and politics are boring.

OK our times are not exactly stable but social media hugely exacerbates things.

Hear out my metaphor. The Internet is like a giant pub, each table filled with one note fanatics. A normal person walks in, says something in passing - I don't like the new town bypass - the pro town bypass tables all stand up cracking their knuckles. The NIMBYS stand up, and the YIMBYs face them down. The I Want A Shorter Commute Club stand up and the Conserve the Lesser Spotted Grass Frog Committee squares off against them. The fists and chairs start flying.

Over and over and over again. Each time it happens the more likely the quiet unaffiliated drinker feels obliged to protect an attacked friend and finds themselves on a Team, pumped with adrenaline.

This is us.

Say The Boats. Good to want to help and protect desperate people. Sensible to want to try and figure out how many, where, the pros and cons, who gives up what, and what's the limit, if there's a limit who deserves it more etc etc. You try and figure out the logistics of another baby if your period is late, fgs, it's a similar thing.

But we're so used to fighting that the slightest thing sets one of the tables off, and then the whole thing kicks off again. We need to learn to talk again.

It really is interesting to see how it is Left-wing people who can't imagine being in a relationship with someone on the Right, not the other way around. I think it's emblematic of so much that's wrong with the Left today. They've just become so intolerant of different worldviews and will actually totally disassociate themselves from people they disagree with.

Exactly this.

We’ve been married for 23 years now. In all that time one of his pet names for me has been “pinko, commie slimeball” which gives you a flavour of our political differences! We have an agreement never to discuss politics because of our fundamental differences - and because I run rings round him! I’m far more interested in politics than he is so I talk to other people about it.

OMG are you me??! My DH spends ages watching right wing videos on you tube, fell out with a lot of family and friends over Brexit, has recently joined the Reform party. It does affect how I feel about him tbf.

Bit of tolerance goes a long way

You want to spend the evening in a left wing echo chamber? You think people who think like you do are more intelligent? You’ve lost respect for your husband?
Answer those questions honestly.

It sounds like he enjoys the sport of going on about this and baiting you. This would put me off him more than what ever his views are (within reason) . I wouldn't go along to group events if I felt isolated and unhappy. It isn't really his politics that is the issue here, it is how he operates.

I don't think I could be with someone who was a tory esp if they want to spout crap.

If your no longer in love and you don't think you can get that feeling back, it might be time to call it a day, amicably of course.

However, if you do love him, then tell him how his behaviour is eroding uour relationship. He might not change cos he clearly doesn't listen to you, but you never know, it might be enough to make him reflect a little more...

Tbh I do not know anyone who has actually left their partner because of their politics with a capital P. But people certainly do split because of how they argue, and they can't stop; and it does ruin the relationship eventually because the disagreement escalated into one party saying something that is so disrespectful of the other that the relationship is dead.

Arguing with your spouse about politics and on the same point is not that healthy- it can be a proxy for all sorts of other problems.

Agree to no politics at home OP, for both of you. You may just discover that you relate well without, let's face it, the same old worries that are always in British politics.

Not really, being anti EU was a traditionally left wing position, the fact the modern left have gone full on neo lib isn't a right wing stance, it is the overten window of the left being shifted so much that they was on side of the multinationals.

What is being noted in political science at the moment is that the the left are generally less tolerant of differing views, have at some point become the ones who are now parroting neo cons of the early 90's with regards to speach and war (in the US).

There is a reason why in the EU alone proper far right parties are showing strong in elections and in some cases winning or influencing (Nordic countries/Italy/France/Germany etc etc), it isn't because of 'muh evil right wing press' and is routed elsewhere.

Being 'quirky' with a never kissed a tory t-shirt or thinking that someone who votes differently to you is some slur shows that the RG education you apparently got hasn't really given you the knowledge that you think it has.

Labour will win the next election, and a few years in it will be considered not true labour as nothing of material value will change, just the same that is happening across the world.

I'm wondering why you can't leave - and wondering if the right wing Tory you live with has an evil job with a nasty bank or is CEO of a horrid capitalist company. Which means of course that you are living in a lovely four bed detached house in a nice neighbourhood, (where they are all Tories), and you don't have to worry about foodbanks and paying the gas bill. Evenings are warm and comfortable (Except when the convo over dinner gets boring) - you're not doing your office cleaning job to make ends meet.

(And I'd take a guess that there aren't 400 young male refugees living in the hotel on the High St. They'll all be living Somewhere Else. But that might be unfair.)

A bit older than my generation but I don't know a single one. It tends to be people who come from families that always voted that way ime.

TempNCforthis · Today 20:30
I'm just thinking of your future, OP - it sounds as though it'll be more of the same but much worse, with him needing care, too

People can need care at any time of their lives. Is that a reason to end a marriage?

I’m pretty sure my wedding vows included “in sickness and in health”.

It's weird how everyone seems to think that left = remain and right = brexit. I know people who would define themselves as socialists, who voted to leave the EU. Wasn't Corbyn anti EU membership?
Also, having concerns about how immigration is handled in this country doesn't mean that people don't care about refugees drowning, which is an assumption that the left seems to make about Tory voters!

The right tends to think that the left is wrong, but the left think the right are evil. And that's the problem for couples who aren't on the same 'side'. Yet some of the least tolerant and kind people I've come across are left wing and consider themselves to be morally superior.

OP, I think your main problem is that your dh insists on talking about politics all the time. It's exhausting and makes all situations charged. When the two of you are so ideologically opposed, the relationship can only work if you agree to respect the differences, not take them personally or judge the other person as morally inferior. You have to remember what bonds you in the first place - don't throw away all the good because you see the world differently.
And you have to agree to not make all discussions political - leave space to remember why you actually love each other.
If the basic feeling has gone though, then there's no incentive to tolerate the differences.

He has to listen to your request not to get into big discussions over dinner parties etc. in ignoring this he is disrespecting you. You heed respect in a relationship and if it is gone, you are better off out of it. Living with a permanently grumpy person is demoralising.

Sorry - that comment probably came across as personal when it wasn't meant to _ I apologise. It was meant as a comment on what I see as hypocrisy of many vocal left wingers. Not very nice of me - sorry

This. It's about values, isn't it? I couldn't love someone whose values were so drastically different from mine.

He sounds like a grumpy bastard, anyway, OP. It's a LTB from me. I'd rather be a single cat lady than stuck with a miserable Tory.

(Do you have children with him, OP? You haven't mentioned it.)

Will also just post this as to how the Overton window has changed so much for the left, and why treating it as a team sport is why posts like the OP is becoming common, it ties into why the red wall fell during the last election, winning it back after 13 years of tory decline isn't going to be a win for the never kiss a tory crowd, it runs far deeper

The British working class is what real anti-racism looks like - spiked (spiked-online.com)

I absolutely couldn’t be with someone who supported the current Conservative Party. It’s a total deal breaker. Thankfully my DH has grown more radically left wing in middle age.

No advice but massive sympathy. To me opposing conservative policies is a moral issue. It’s not something you can just ignore. As they say, politics is personal.